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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Niece(15) is saying my DS is Trans!?

497 replies

upsideup · 04/03/2018 11:25

My 15 year old niece added me on facebook this morning, she doesnt live in the UK and is comming to stay with us in a few weeks and as I havent seen her for almost a year I had a quick look down her facebook page just to see what she looked like now and what she was up to and about 2 weeks ago she posted a short video on trans children which I havnt actually watched because I was too annoyed by the comment she had posted with is basically saying:
'Aww my cousin is transgender (MTF) and she is the most beautiful, loved and accepted little girl, she's lucky that she has such a good family around her but not all children are so lucky, so many transgender children are ignored and not listened to and so are not able to be who they truly are.... I will fight anyone who tries to suggest that my cousin is anything less than a girl. It was much longer than that but thats the general message and the most relevant things. There's almost 20 comments from her friends saying how lucky she (my son) is to have an amazing accepting cousin like her and how great it is that she(my son) is able to be herself (himself).

Now we have had the 'is he trans?' 'are you sure he isnt trans?' comments from family members before but have always just said no, hes fine, we have dealt with it, he just likes pink, he just wants long hair etc and thought that had been accepted and dropped. Hes not transgender, hes a 4 year boy that has blond shoulder length hair who likes wearing anything sparkly or glittery and playing makeup/dolls/dressing up with his big sisters. We have also added an 'y' to the end of his name because he wanted to but this doesnt even make it a 'girls' name it just makes it a cuter nickname for his boys name and he was the only one out of his siblings whose name didnt end it 'y' anyway but shes used this to imply we are letting him live as a girl.

I am furious that she thinks she can talk about my son publicly online like this without my permission and that what she is saying is all lies, I dont know whether its just cool to have a transgender family member and it just gives you attention and makes you popular around your friends or what.

WIBU to comment on the post saying actually he is a boy and I dont know why you would need to lie about him? Or am I going to have to be an adult and either ignore this or try and deal with it privately throught her parents? Either way If she comes and stays I am not having her call my son things that he doesnt actually want to be called.

OP posts:

MaceWindu · 04/03/2018 12:26

This is where I thank my lucky stars that the trans thing hasn't taken off where my DD's cousins live- yet. There is no way I would be having her to stay either.

funnylittlefloozie · 04/03/2018 12:26

Dear God, what a load of hysteria. Private message her and ask her politely to take the post down, and then have a calm chat to her when she comes to visit. She's a 15 year old trying to be right on, i very much doubt that she understands the full implications of the whole trans issue. My 15 year old certainly doesnt. Often these kids think they are being open-minded and understanding by "embracing trans", and havent even thought about the idea that actually, it is reinforcing traditional gender stereotypes. My kid was very thoughtful for a long time when that one was pointed out to her - it just simply had not occurred to her.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/03/2018 12:26

I wouldn't have her in the house - who knows what sort of bollocks she'll start filling your son's head with!
And I agree with the virtue signalling comment - it's very "trendy" just now for teens to be all in favour of trans, and very "anti-TERF" - but she had no right to use your son as her flag, and no right to talk about him at all in those terms.

Do not address her on FB. Talk to her parents and have them ask her to remove it, and if she doesn't report her via FB instead. But do NOT give her the chance to call you a TERF and start wittering on about how you are transphobic and her cousin can depend on her when no one else will listen.

Children all go through phases - my own DS2 went through a pink phase and a long curly hair phase when he was 3 - still doesn't make him a trans kid though! I think it's a huge mistake to push kids down this route at such an early age, and that's why I wouldn't have her in the house.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2018 12:29

I would report her post to FB rather than only her parents as they
likely have no idea about the content of (or actually care about) her own FB feed. FB may or may not take the post down.

I would also cancel her visit to you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2018 12:30

I’m agog! My first reaction is to scream at her. But the calm route of asking her to take it down and talking to the family. I read and I think commented on your last thread about having n&n from two families over Easter. Why are they going away, I can’t remember if you said.

Personally if the parents don’t totally back you up, I’d withdraw my offer to have the children. You seem to be doormatting yourself with these people anyway. Time to get assertive and stay calm.

chequeplease · 04/03/2018 12:31

Your son sounds brilliant, and I think you sounds like great parents by allowing him to express himself how he likes.

Hopefully your DN will be able to understand that this is not a trans issue and it can be used as an opportunity to educate her better. She probably doesn't realise what she's done and the gravity of it.

chequeplease · 04/03/2018 12:31

*sound

ChasedByBees · 04/03/2018 12:35

As everyone has said, she is misgendering him and imposing her stereotypes of what a ‘male’ and ‘female’ should be which is really harmful.

Your DS may choose any number of things for himself in the future, but the point is, he will choose them for himself. Even if he was trans, she would have no right to ‘out’ him in a public way.

Ellen Page wrote how uncomfortable being outed made her, see www.theguardian.com/film/2017/nov/10/ellen-page-brett-ratner-gay-comment

Unless she apologises unreservedly and realises why what she has done is wrong, I would think he’s about her coming to stay.

MaceWindu · 04/03/2018 12:36

Why would Facebook care? From their perspective it's a totally harmless comment showing how lovely it is to embrace any slight action by a child as a sign they must be trans. Society is falling for this rubbish.

PixieCutRegret · 04/03/2018 12:41

I know she is only 15 and this is what our current society has conditioned her to believe, however your son must always come first, don't have her down if she is going to spout that bile in your home for DS to hear.

HotelEuphoria · 04/03/2018 12:43

I think this has to be dealt with by the parents. She is 15, and your Dh needs to speak to his DB about the issue and he then has to sit his DD down and explain that long hair on a little boy does not mean he is transgender.

jkl0311 · 04/03/2018 12:44

Is it still being talked about by your family behind your back though?
It's up to each individual but maybe cut his hair and don't let him wear pink glittery clothes, DS is 4 he needs guidance from parents still that boys wear this girls wear that.

And by the sounds of it so does your DN on what's acceptable to put on social media.

scaryteacher · 04/03/2018 12:45

I wear trousers, like fast cars, and prefer a blue colour palette. I wear boots, not heels. I am a 52 year old woman with a dh and a ds. Just as it is normal for your average women to do 'male' things, like be an RM Cdo, or a nuclear submariner, or a plumber, without being called trans, why can't a boy like sparkly things? He may well turn out to be the next John Galliano, Yves St Laurent, or an artist with an appreciation of different colours and textures; Kaffe Fasset works in textiles.

Tell your niece to stop posting, or have a long, detailed and menacing word when she comes to stay (and don't give her the wi-fi password)!!!

Goosegrass · 04/03/2018 12:46

She added you so you could see her post. It's about attention and virtue signalling.

nineteentwelve · 04/03/2018 12:48

I would say as much as this girl needs a talking to, I also don't think its as sinister as her trying to push the whole trans thing on your son. She's 15, and was probably exaggerating a story for likes online. And being in another country and not friends with you on facebook at the time she thought she would get away with it.
Tell her to remove it and to think before she lies and adds bits on to stories in future. But as long as there is no naming/pictures, then let her deal with her own guilt over it, because she will certainly feel it!

iceycage · 04/03/2018 12:49

I feel like I'm missing a massive point here.

Ok so your son isn't trans that's fine. But it doesn't sound like she was in anyway trying to be hurtful or malicious. She's 15 and actually showing a huge amount of love and support. If she'd posted some kind of hateful comment about her "trans cousin" I would understand your fury but it seems like she's just confused. She obviously hasn't learnt properly what trans actually means and entails. I don't think she's lying about your son being trans but more is just confused and in her head he IS trans and in all honesty with her generation it's really not seen as a bad or negative thing so while some people are highly offended, I doubt she even understands why it would be considered offensive even if she were mistaken.

When I was 16 a friend assumed my brother was gay. I just corrected her. To me "gay" wasn't an offensive term. In this case she's said nothing awful or nasty about your son. She's just got the wrong end of the stick and I'm not surprised given the current teachings of trans which is often very inaccurate. Just educate her no need to jump down her neck.

Original poster

upsideup · 04/03/2018 12:50

It's up to each individual but maybe cut his hair and don't let him wear pink glittery clothes, DS is 4 he needs guidance from parents still that boys wear this girls wear that.

I hope you are not being serious!? I am not fucking doing that.

OP posts:

CrochetBelle · 04/03/2018 12:51

Is she aware that your son is continuously telling you he wants to be a girl?

MayCatt · 04/03/2018 12:53

I would comment on the post as I would want it on the record to anyone that may have seen that thread.

I'd focus on the fact that she is lying rather than getting into any debate on details about your son.

"I've just seen your comments here X and I can't understand why you have decided to lie about your family. This is a total fabrication. Please take it down before your lies cause further upset."

It is harsh, but in my opinion the harm this could cause to your son warrants it.

I would also speak to her parents and explain how furious you are. She'll likely block you when you write that so take screenshots now and make sure her parents follow up on getting it removed.

CountryGirl1985 · 04/03/2018 12:54

Dear Niece, thank you for your kind sentiments, however, as I am sure you would be aware had you asked, Son is not transgender - he is 4. He likes his hair like it is, he likes pink and glitter and he likes the cute nickname. And that is all. Unfortunately given that you have opted to post misinformation about my son without care or due regard for how this may affect us as a family or him in the future should he see this post I have had to rethink you staying with us as I am concerned it may give rise to further misinformation. I have screenshot this post and will forward to your Mum/Dad explaining this and hope you are able to find suitable alternative accommodation. (But then again if I was in your shoes I'd have already been on the phone ripping her a new one by now so perfectly prepared to be told I'm being harsh!!)

Lweji · 04/03/2018 12:55

YANBU to post saying your boy is not trans. Be assertive.

But I'd not accuse her of lying in public. Not at first at least.

I would send a private message for her to remove the comment, though. Only because, presumably, those people don't know you or your DS personally. Otherwise, I'd want a public retraction from her.

Annabelle4 · 04/03/2018 12:55

She probably wanted the OP to see it. She probably thought she was doing the right thing and that the op would be proud of her. She believes the OP's child is 'trans' because that's what she has been told and taught by those around her.

Like I said, she's 15 and has made a mistake/poor judgment. It's not easy being a teen and having the platform of social media available at your fingertips as well as the need and pressure to fit in. I cringe when I look back at my own beliefs and opinions before I was at least 25. I'm glad I never had the option to post them online.

Please be gentle with her. She's 15 and will never have meant to hurt anyone.

ChasedByBees · 04/03/2018 12:56

@jkl0311

It's up to each individual but maybe cut his hair and don't let him wear pink glittery clothes, DS is 4 he needs guidance from parents still that boys wear this girls wear that.

I’m despairing at this post too. There is no, “boys wear this, girls wear that” apart from some weird social construct. It’s the same construct that leads to “boys can do this, girls can do that” and girls who want to be engineers or racing drivers being frowned on.

Why shouldn’t a boy like glitter and have long hair? There is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

funnylittlefloozie · 04/03/2018 12:56

CrochetBelle, where has the OP said this? I can't see where she has said that her son is continuously telling her that he wants to be a girl.

ChasedByBees · 04/03/2018 12:57

@CrochetBelle

Is she aware that your son is continuously telling you he wants to be a girl?

Where has the OP said this?

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