Niece(15) is saying my DS is Trans!?

[upsideup]

My 15 year old niece added me on facebook this morning, she doesnt live in the UK and is comming to stay with us in a few weeks and as I havent seen her for almost a year I had a quick look down her facebook page just to see what she looked like now and what she was up to and about 2 weeks ago she posted a short video on trans children which I havnt actually watched because I was too annoyed by the comment she had posted with is basically saying:
'Aww my cousin is transgender (MTF) and she is the most beautiful, loved and accepted little girl, she's lucky that she has such a good family around her but not all children are so lucky, so many transgender children are ignored and not listened to and so are not able to be who they truly are.... I will fight anyone who tries to suggest that my cousin is anything less than a girl. It was much longer than that but thats the general message and the most relevant things. There's almost 20 comments from her friends saying how lucky she (my son) is to have an amazing accepting cousin like her and how great it is that she(my son) is able to be herself (himself).

Now we have had the 'is he trans?' 'are you sure he isnt trans?' comments from family members before but have always just said no, hes fine, we have dealt with it, he just likes pink, he just wants long hair etc and thought that had been accepted and dropped. Hes not transgender, hes a 4 year boy that has blond shoulder length hair who likes wearing anything sparkly or glittery and playing makeup/dolls/dressing up with his big sisters. We have also added an 'y' to the end of his name because he wanted to but this doesnt even make it a 'girls' name it just makes it a cuter nickname for his boys name and he was the only one out of his siblings whose name didnt end it 'y' anyway but shes used this to imply we are letting him live as a girl.

I am furious that she thinks she can talk about my son publicly online like this without my permission and that what she is saying is all lies, I dont know whether its just cool to have a transgender family member and it just gives you attention and makes you popular around your friends or what.

WIBU to comment on the post saying actually he is a boy and I dont know why you would need to lie about him? Or am I going to have to be an adult and either ignore this or try and deal with it privately throught her parents? Either way If she comes and stays I am not having her call my son things that he doesnt actually want to be called.

Initially speak to her parents? and get their support to discuss with her and lay down the law
sounds like a 15 year old, soaked in current cool ideology, all excited and attention seeking over social media with no thought for anyone but herself.

Points to make:

1. Posting anything about DS is out of order: hes a 4 year old and should have no presence on social media that is not with the agreement of his parents. Any posts about him/photos of him should be pulled (I think you can you contact Fbook to do this if photos are involved?)
2. Facts/discussion with DN. He is a happy, non gender conforming boy who can have any interests he wants: he is not trans, and quite honestly its disgusting that she would misgender him and make assumptions about his gender identity. Put it in that language, even the most ardent social justice warrior cant really argue against that

1. A combination of the two points: tell her 'your cousin X is a child, not grist to your mill, not a tool to gain you attention on social media, and I am disgusted that you would both discuss him online and invade our privacy without any permission, or create a narrative around him to suit your purposes.' Discussion about the responsibility of social media, and the fact that information posted on the internet is there forever, and that this is not fair in any way on your DS.

Insist that the posts are pulled (by her or fb if photos involved) and an apology made to you and DS.

I would contact her parents and insist she take the post down. She is an immature little brat jumping on bandwagon and making up something she knows nothing, trans or parenting. Her post is about as all 'me me me' as it gets. She should not be using your little boy for like clicks.

I would be cancelling the trip until she grows up.

I like AskBasil’s suggestion.

I wouldn't be having her to stay tbh, what will she be telling your young child about who he is when your back is turned?

Hi OP. I would be furious, then try to calm down and address it. My dd at that age wanted short hair, clothes from the boys’ section in the shops, played with toys traditionally thought more “boyish” and wanted to be addressed by a masculine name. I said to her and everybody that she was a girl and she could do whatever she wanted. To others I would sometimes phrase it “she is a girl and likes boy’s toys/clothes/hair etc”. If you are taking the same approach explain this to your relative. It worked for us. I got asked if she was a boy/ gay/ lesbian/ transgender... I found it rude but took the practical approach of repeating the above “she is a girl who likes xyz” and it worked.

I would be straight on the phone to her parents. She has no place making those statements in that way. I dare say she means no harm but really she needs to be talked to about appropriateness.

And quite frankly I find the trend to reinforce gender stereotypes deeply disturbing. Surely rather than insisting that a boy who likes pink, long hair or plays with dolls is a girl we should be accepting boys can equally do these things. Rage inducing.

Shes BiL's daughter so I am going to have to wait for DH to get home so we can talk about it and either he can deal with it or we will togther. I am too angry and if I try and speak to her I will probably end up saying something I shouldnt.

Whether I would then have her to stay would depend on her reaction. If she apologises, understands the points and seemed genuine then yes I would but would have firm words with her on arrival.

If however she takes the view that you are oppressing your son’s true identify then she would not be coming to visit me.

I wouldn't comment on the post. It will likely create a shit storm and draw more attention to it.

I'd absolutely contact her parents and insist it is immediately removed.

1. Call her parents and get them to have her remove the post. She has no right to post picture and comments about other people’s children without their permission, regardless of what she is saying .

1. Cancel her visit. She clearly has strong ideological views which you disagree with ( quite rightly ) and you have been reason to think she will will push them on your young child. Again this is unacceptable . You wouldn’t allow it in any other context would you eg if you were a Jewish family and your niece was promoting anti Semitic views.

Your child is 4 and should be free to be himself as you and his father are allowing. You can’t allow a virtue signalling, attention seeking teenagers persuade him that he’s wrong or damaged and needs medical help. IMO that would be abusive .

What a shitty thing to do. However, are you sure her parents aren't saying that behind your back, in their own home?

I share your anger.

How soon is the visit?

is your son at school? You may need to warn his teacher to guard against more of this.

I agree it's not wise or helpful to anyone to get into this on fb. Although by all means ask to have it taken down. I wonder though what adults around her have been saying to her about this - from what you said it sounds like it was a focus in the family at some point in the past and maybe no one has explained to her that your sons love of pink does not make him trans. It's hard when angry but this situation sounds like it needs a sit down conversation where you ask open questions about why she thinks this.

She's 15 and probably not able to see the consequences of this post beyond how it affects her. The whole trans thing is big in the teenage community at the mo, and she may well be interpreting what she sees in her cousin as a trans thing, and getting it wrong. I think a quiet word with her parents and her clarifying the situation is what is needed here with a request to remove the video/post. Reacting emotionally right now will just make everyone else react emotionally too, and may not get the result you want.
Honestly the amount of discussions I've had with my teen DC about gender and trans, but it all ends up with them getting emotional as they are trying to understand their own place in the world and their own groups/cliques and they are teens "who know everything" and I'm an older adult "who knows nothing". I'm hoping this is all teenage drama played out via social media which will then wane as they grow older....
Good luck OP in sorting it out.

I posted a few weeks ago saying that we we had (stupidly) agreed to look after 5 DN's as well as our own 4 for fee for a week in the easter holidays because their parents made plans without sorting childcare. This is just another thing to add to the long list of why we are never going to agree to anything like that for them again.

If she even tries to suggest now that I am the one is the wrong and he is a girl, no way is she comming anywhere near him.

Honestly, I'd just cancel her visit, block her and ignore.

She sounds a bit hard of thinking and you really can't argue with someone like that. You'd just be banging your head against a brick wall.

Why not take the opportunity to have a role in her critical thinking skills - who hasn’t got it a bit wrong at this age. You or DH welcome her and then have a calm and questioning conversation about her post. If you steam in, she will take the moral high ground and decide you are bigoted, whereas if you show you are totally accepting of her and him, but not accepting of gender stereotypes, you could really enhance her understanding. And you could think with her about the prejudices he might face due to gender stereotyping, and how unjust that is - and point out she is part of the problem.

She clearly means well so I'd avoid going apeshit. Can you call her parents and say it's lovely she is so fond of your DS, but can she avoid a) posting about him online without your permission and b) saying he's trans when he's just a gender-nonconforming 4-year-old?

Are you sure she is talking about your DS? Your DS obviously isn't trans so I'm confused why would you assume she was talking about him unless he is her only cousin.
Speak to your DH. He can speak to his DB about the post. Then you can all decide together whether the visit is still appropriate. You could see it as an opportunity to teach her that boys can like glittery stuff or you could decide it's not worth the risk of her telling your DS he is a girl . . .Personally I'd opt for the former. Your DS will get his values and sense of self from you and his DF not from a cousin staying for 2 weeks.

I would reply “Are you talking about my son? I don’t have a daughter so your post has confused me. If your referring to my son he’s not trans, he’s just not stereotyped. If he wants long hair he can, if he wants pink trainers he’s allowed. If he wants to play baby’s he will.”

we have had the 'is he trans?' 'are you sure he isnt trans?' comments from family members before

Playing devils advocate here - is she parroting other family members? If adults are implying your DS is some how trans (or gay, whatever) because of pink sparkles, then she is going to repeat that verbatim.

Has she actually names him or just alluded to him on SM and you assume its your DS shes referring to?

I would contact her parents asking them to get the post removed asap and they need to explain to her the difference between trans and a 4 yr old who likes pink. I would be seriously rethinking having her to stay. This is so not on.

When talking to the parents try and keep a cool head, or hopefully your dh can keep a cool head...

You don’t actually know how much of this has come from her parents gossiping or speculating (unkindly & inappropriately in my opinion!) in their daughters earshot.

Hopefully it’s cultural influence only and they’ll be shocked and clearly see how upsetting and unacceptable their daughters little attention seeking video is, but don’t assume that will be the case.

Try and brace yourself in case they say they have questioned the gender of your son, whilst chatting freely amongst themselves in the privacy of their own home... so it might get a bit ‘time for a bit of education’ style. Not ok I know, and potentially really upsetting, but in their own little family unit, they may have let their ignorance hang out and not put their brains in gear at all whilst opening their mouths...

I hope it’s not that option though, and it’s just the dd going out on a limb.

I really feel for boys and men these days. They're not allowed to like anything considered femminine, without being told they're definetly trans. What a sad, sad society, we're so closed minded we can't even accept the possibility of a male liking pink and glitter.

As the mother of a girl who is like your son as in she likes clothes/toys/games that were once typically solely for 'boys'', I would be quite annoyed if somebody referred to her as trans.

But if that somebody was a fifteen year old immature kid who is trying to a) be cool b) stand up for social issues she believes in albeit in complete disregard for personal boundaries, I would not post or comment on her page and I would speak directly to her parents.

Imo this is more about your niece's need for a good conversation about her use of social media than about who she was posting about.