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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Niece(15) is saying my DS is Trans!?

497 replies

upsideup · 04/03/2018 11:25

My 15 year old niece added me on facebook this morning, she doesnt live in the UK and is comming to stay with us in a few weeks and as I havent seen her for almost a year I had a quick look down her facebook page just to see what she looked like now and what she was up to and about 2 weeks ago she posted a short video on trans children which I havnt actually watched because I was too annoyed by the comment she had posted with is basically saying:
'Aww my cousin is transgender (MTF) and she is the most beautiful, loved and accepted little girl, she's lucky that she has such a good family around her but not all children are so lucky, so many transgender children are ignored and not listened to and so are not able to be who they truly are.... I will fight anyone who tries to suggest that my cousin is anything less than a girl. It was much longer than that but thats the general message and the most relevant things. There's almost 20 comments from her friends saying how lucky she (my son) is to have an amazing accepting cousin like her and how great it is that she(my son) is able to be herself (himself).

Now we have had the 'is he trans?' 'are you sure he isnt trans?' comments from family members before but have always just said no, hes fine, we have dealt with it, he just likes pink, he just wants long hair etc and thought that had been accepted and dropped. Hes not transgender, hes a 4 year boy that has blond shoulder length hair who likes wearing anything sparkly or glittery and playing makeup/dolls/dressing up with his big sisters. We have also added an 'y' to the end of his name because he wanted to but this doesnt even make it a 'girls' name it just makes it a cuter nickname for his boys name and he was the only one out of his siblings whose name didnt end it 'y' anyway but shes used this to imply we are letting him live as a girl.

I am furious that she thinks she can talk about my son publicly online like this without my permission and that what she is saying is all lies, I dont know whether its just cool to have a transgender family member and it just gives you attention and makes you popular around your friends or what.

WIBU to comment on the post saying actually he is a boy and I dont know why you would need to lie about him? Or am I going to have to be an adult and either ignore this or try and deal with it privately throught her parents? Either way If she comes and stays I am not having her call my son things that he doesnt actually want to be called.

OP posts:
GardenGeek · 04/03/2018 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrazyFolkTale · 04/03/2018 12:02

I imagine she’s too young to really understand what’s she saying

She’s 15 not 5!!!

UnmitigatedBollocks · 04/03/2018 12:03

Silly little mare.

InHibernationTilISummer · 04/03/2018 12:05

Does the Facebook post in any way identify your child? If there's any way your child could be identified from the post, I would insist that it is removed. (I think you should be able to insist on this regardless of the trans issue - It is not for her to post details about a young child, whether she believes they are trans or not).

I think she is just a silly girl who thinks she can get some kudos by being super-right-on and trendy by believing ridiculous sexist stereotypes claiming to have a trans relative.

However, unfortunately, your son is at risk in a society which increasingly does not tolerate boys who don't conform to gender stereotypes and insists they must be 'corrected'. He is likely to start getting this message at school and from other sources and there will be pressure to conform by either behaving in what is perceived to be the 'correct' way for a boy or to be reassigned as a girl - This is a path to puberty blockers (google 'Lupron risks'), hormones, surgery and a lifetime of medical problems - even if he later detransitions.

Even if he says he is a boy, she will likely think that he is being forced to be a boy by 'transphobic' parents or that he is in "egg mode" ie he just hasn't realised that he is trans yet. (Basically, children who don't conform to gender stereotypes but don't think that means they are in the wrong body are considered to be in a 'pre-trans' state where they need help to realise their 'true gender identity'.)

I would agree with previous posters who say cancel the visit - Your son's future well-being is too important.

Kokeshi123 · 04/03/2018 12:05

True, but the trans cult is unbelievably powerful. I can totally see how apparently intelligent teenagers end up falling for it.

I like the suggestions that some posters have made, of engaging this girl and her parents. There may be an opportunity to change minds here.

But the issue of commenting about her cousin on social media--she needs to informed in no uncertain terms that she should not be making these kinds of public comments about your son, regardless of what her views are.

Original poster
upsideup · 04/03/2018 12:05

She is definately talking about my son, she has 3 other male cousins who are all short haired and football loving.

OP posts:
SpikeGilesSandwich · 04/03/2018 12:09

Wow, I would be furious OP!! So sick of this enforced stereotyping, teenagers seem to lap it up though, it's "cool to be trans" at the moment.
They need to realise what is actually being done to these poor children who are being pumped full of drugs, sterilised and mutilated in the name of acceptance.

I expect court cases in the future from this mess. Mermaids in particular have a lot to answer for, their "information" indoctrination is all over the web for vulnerable young people and confused parents to latch on to. Very scary.

Backscratchesforever · 04/03/2018 12:10

I would screenshot it and send it to her parents. Chances are she blocked them from seeing it, and I would say can you make sure this post is removed please.

I’d then giving her the talking to of her life when she is at yours.

KatharinaRosalie · 04/03/2018 12:12

I'd be furious as well and it's so damaging for boys who are convinced they must be trans just because they like sparkly things. I incidentally have a 4-yo DS as well who loves his Elsa dress. He may or may not turn out to be trans, but he certainly isn't a girl because he likes the dress!

ChelleDawg2020 · 04/03/2018 12:14

Call her out online, let her friends find out what a lying, manipulative person she is. Also confront her parents.

Lies like this can damage lives.

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 04/03/2018 12:14

I would be very pissed off, especially as you have already had conversations with family about him being trans. Do nothing for now wait until dh is home then decide what to do, I am not sure I would want her staying with me

CrochetBelle · 04/03/2018 12:15

Is she aware that your son is continuously telling you he wants to be a girl?

MrsJayy · 04/03/2018 12:16

She is 15 a right on pain in the arse you can't have a go at her for her rightonness, however you can comment on her post saying don't be ridiculous he is 4 and likes sparkles that doesn't make him trans it makes him 4, and ask her to take her post down

AskBasil · 04/03/2018 12:18

"And you could think with her about the prejudices he might face due to gender stereotyping, and how unjust that is - and point out she is part of the problem."

Genius

I do agree with everyone who says if you go in there with high emotion and anger, the danger is that she'll just write you off as a bigoted old transphobe.

She's a teenager, it's really unfair to call her lying and manipulative, when she's probably just attention seeking and virtue signalling. She's 15, not 50. She's behaving like a teenager. This is what they're like.

Give yourself some time to think about how to handle it.

OhCalamity · 04/03/2018 12:19

I thought the whole point of trans acceptance was to not 'misgender' a person.

She's just misgendered your son.

You have two options, as I see it. Quietly request the post about your son gets fully deleted, and use her Easter visit to educate her, or ask her to remove the post in a more public way and cancel the visit.

While my anger would make me want to choose the latter way, I know that the former is a far more mature way of approaching it and may nudge her a bit more towards thinking differently about gender constructs.

justilou1 · 04/03/2018 12:19

She is fifteen. She has no idea of the impact that this statement has on anyone but herself. It is purely self-serving - she has grasped a very popular media platform upon which to hang herself for attention - fairly typical behaviour for her age. You are totally entitled to tell her off and ask her to remove her post, but be prepared to be flamed as you are now going to be painted as the unreasonable, trans-phobic parent who's in denial.
I would be absolutely furious. I suspect her parents are CF's and will defend her stupidity to the hilt.

Bejazzled · 04/03/2018 12:20

Ignorant little besom. She needs 'informed' in no uncertain terms. If it was my young son being labelled by a virtue signaller I'd be spitting teeth.

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/03/2018 12:22

I wouldn’t have her come to stay now. Absolutely not.

user187656748 · 04/03/2018 12:22

teenagers have been so sucked into this sort of stuff. Its cool to know someone who is trans Hmm.

I'd be responding on the post to say "don't be ridiculous he is 4 years old and likes sparky things and pink things, along with his ball and mud! These are neither girl things nor boy things, they are child things. Please don't "misgender" my child"

Then I would be straight onto the parents saying its absolutely not acceptable, she needs to take it down immediately and in the circumstances she is no longer welcome to visit. Perhaps when she has had a chance to reflect on her actions you can reconsider a visit.

Mayhemmumma · 04/03/2018 12:23

Very sensible to not reply OP I'd not be able to respond without being very rude.

What kind of world do we live in where a 4 year old boy can't like pink without being 'trans'

Annabelle4 · 04/03/2018 12:23

Did she name and/or post a picture of your son?

I'm going against the grain here, but she's 15... a child herself. She's doing what every other 15 yo is doing; not realising the seriousness of what she posts online and following the current trend of being overly PC and inclusive.
Personally I'd blame her parents for either not monitoring what she's posting or for not educating her on what is and what is not acceptable to post online.

CadyHeron · 04/03/2018 12:24

Wow. I'd totally want her to be taking it down too! Really,really not her place to put anything on social media about your son and she needs a lesson in what is and isn't appropriate.
To those saying she's 15, not 5 - I have a nearly 15 year old and they're still a bit daft at that age.As in not fully mature, they're still essentially a kid themselves.
If family member have been saying stupid things like "are you sure he's not trans?" in the past it sounds like she genuinely believes he is as they could have been filling her head with shite/making her think he is! Still doesn't give her the right to post about him on FB though, she should be more sensible there.
Honestly, I think the whole trans thing is a big thing at schools and places now - even my 15 year old has mentioned about it and coming out with daft things such as "did you just assume my gender?!" which is definitely picked up from school as it isn't from here!
When he says it though it's in the context of just being his usual daft, jokey self.
Can totally see that some taking it more seriously would think like your niece and also your family too by the sounds of it if they've said stuff about trans before.
I'd be telling them that I wanted it taking down pronto and that in no way was he so could they please shut up about it.

Gendarme · 04/03/2018 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SockMobster · 04/03/2018 12:25

OP - Some Questions

  1. Would anyone outside your family and close friends be aware she is definitely talking about your son?

  2. Does she live in a country where MTF Transgenderism is more accepted as "lady boys" etc.?

  3. "I will fight anyone who tries to suggest that my cousin is anything less than a girl" - regarding this comment, it's a bit strange that she says this - it does make me wonder if her parents are also calling your son, your daughter, and referring to him as her - surely she should know the entire family view him as male?

  4. Is it just her coming to stay with you, or are her family coming too?

  5. Did she see your son a year ago, or just you? When was the last time she saw your son?

Esspee · 04/03/2018 12:25

I suggest you and your husband put your thoughts in writing to her parents. A phone call might get out of hand and you could be misquoted. You are right to be extremely angry and no way would I allow that child near my son.