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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

449 replies

Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 08:12

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years (Shock) and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

OP posts:
MrsDesireeCarthorse · 04/03/2018 20:44

My 30s were shite. Infertility, redundancies, being wiped out financially in the recession, nearly having a breakdown, negative equity, being stuck in a dead-end job.

40s fucking brilliant. Children, two new careers taking off, new house...I may look older than I want to admit but le joie de vivre is STRONG in me.

mynameisLuca · 04/03/2018 20:59

I don't really get the posters saying "change things"

You don't? Someone comes on and says their life is miserable and not at all as they would like it to be, and your answer is keep on doing everything the same way?
Hmm

susiebee61 · 04/03/2018 21:04

no , having watched a friend try so many different things, and it got her nowhere, and having seen so many others barely need to go out of the door to meet their partners, I don't think its necessarily the answer, that's all. however I get the idea to maximise opportunities to meet someone, but for some people they find socialising very difficult and it doesn't come easy, not to mention expensive and often demoralising.

FreeNiki · 04/03/2018 21:05

Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.

I could have written that.

It is very hard for me to imagine a future.

I feel as though life has been one long wasted opportunity.

None of the firsts are there. Now they are to become things I'll never do.

stevie69 · 04/03/2018 21:11

Maybe if you're my 82-year-old father, but get real, 40 isn't really young.

Oh, I'm real, alright. I wonder about you though Hmm

mynameisLuca · 04/03/2018 21:14

It's not really young, but its not old either.

ziggy1986 · 04/03/2018 21:30

Re the people who barely need to leave the house to meet a partner...I do think some people are naturally more receptive / open to meeting someone and that comes over in the vibe they give off.

I am quite reserved and take a while to warm up to people (even just as friends).

To give you an example I have a friend who meets people wherever she goes. She could get stuck on a train and hit it off with the bloke sitting beside her for example. I wouldn’t meet someone on a train because I would be trying not to speak to anyone / reading.

snapperstickers68 · 04/03/2018 21:33

I'm 50 this year.

I had my youngest child at 40

I was pregnant again at 46 but lost her

I'm now engaged to be married for the first time

I was a single parent for many years

You never know what's around the corner Flowers

Thursdaydreaming · 05/03/2018 00:14

I am struck by the differences on this thread and a recent one where an OP was frustrated with a friend of hers who had withdrawn from her, and OP speculated it was because the friend was experiencing infertility. On that thread the OP was shouted down for expecting the friend to keep in touch, how could she going through such a terrible, hard time, OP should have no expectations of this friend and be endlessly patient. In this thread OP also hadn't been able to have children and the response is "hey, you can travel". The way I see it at least the women in that story has a partner, which OP doesn't.

And I did meetup.com for a year, and tried to be as outgoing as possible. I didn't even make a friend, or even anyone I could call an acquaintance. Let alone a partner.

And online dating? Literally hell and I also got nothing despite genuinely trying. Some people do online dating and meet a lot of fools/jerks/unsuitable people and get some interest as well. They say online dating is hard. Others get literally nothing. They also say online dating is hard. But they aren't having the same experience.

Thursdaydreaming · 05/03/2018 00:31

Ps: I did meet a partner eventually but it was luck honestly. Nothing special I did.

LizzieCorday · 05/03/2018 00:32

I am struck by the differences on this thread and a recent one where an OP was frustrated with a friend of hers who had withdrawn from her, and OP speculated it was because the friend was experiencing infertility. On that thread the OP was shouted down for expecting the friend to keep in touch, how could she going through such a terrible, hard time, OP should have no expectations of this friend and be endlessly patient. In this thread OP also hadn't been able to have children and the response is "hey, you can travel". The way I see it at least the women in that story has a partner, which OP doesn't

There isn't a single comminality in those two secanarios. They are not even slightly comparable.

Thursdaydreaming · 05/03/2018 01:34

They both haven't had children. One is judged a sad situation worth endless sympathy. One is judged as pathetic for even feeling sad about it.

Lizzie48 · 05/03/2018 07:27

It's not really young, but its not old either.

Yes that's why it's called middle aged. It's a term I used to hate but the best thing is to embrace it, there's plenty of life still to come.

lostmyslippers · 05/03/2018 07:55

@TreasureInMyTummy I think that's very courageous how you turned things around for yourself! Lovely post Thanks

LizzieCorday · 05/03/2018 09:27

They both haven't had children. One is judged a sad situation worth endless sympathy. One is judged as pathetic for even feeling sad about it

Neither is judged in that way, but its not the same thing. Someone who really wants to have children but is struggling wit m/c, IVF etc is totally different to someone who says one day "hmm I never bothered to do anything about the vague notion I had about maybe posssibly having children one day".
I find it pretty offensive to equate the two tbh

PollyPerky · 05/03/2018 09:38

They both haven't had children. One is judged a sad situation worth endless sympathy. One is judged as pathetic for even feeling sad about it

There is no comparison. Totally different scenarios.

And no one said the OP was 'pathetic'- that's your take on it.
It's offensive that you equate someone who had fertility issues with someone who seems unable to take steps to create a life where she might meet a man.

All the posts were either empathising, showing you can have a child at 40+, or suggesting ways she could either meet men, improve her life, by giving practical suggestions.

Amarriedcatlady · 05/03/2018 10:25

Quite frankly, everything in life is a choice. People get married at all different ages, and you have already said you still have time to have children.

You have two choices. 1. Keep convincing yourself you will never get married, will never find someone to love or find you loveable. That you will never have kids and spend the rest of your life alone on one big pity party.

Or

2.You can realise how silly your current mindset is and open yourself up to love and take the steps to bring it into your life. Such as open yourself up to love, work on whatever insecurities are preventing you from finding love, work out what you want, values and traits you want in your future husband, read books on relationships, join an online dating group, ask friends to set you up etc etc. There is so much you can do but you’ve got to take the first step and realise it is believable for you.

If you don’t think it is, respectfully, I suggest you get counselling to help you. If you take a risk, you could have such a rewarding life. Or you could remain the same and miss out on all that makes life worthwhile. Obviously you are unhappy with how your life is now. So do something about it!

Wintertime4 · 05/03/2018 10:28

I have had children. However I’ve never married. I’d love to!

I want my forever man!

Currently breaking up, nearly 50. I refuse to give up hope. Even if I’m not going to look young and pretty in a wedding dress.

lostmyslippers · 05/03/2018 15:02

OP where have you been for the last 20 years?
Why haven't you been career driven to get yourself a better life?

How horrible are you? I don't think the OP needs this and a lot of other crappy comments on here.

lostmyslippers · 05/03/2018 15:11

OP I'm sorry about how you must be feeling and reading some of the rubbish on here can't be helpful. When you feel ready please give the meetup groups a go! I did and it really helped. Please remember you are not alone and it's okay to feel sad bc it's not nice being alone when you don't want to be...but you have to pack those bad feelings away and not let them define you and look forward too. Have you considered therapy or counselling as it may help you to resolve some of the negative stuff you feel. There are millions of women in your position and whilst that doesn't help you it should give you strength that you are not alone Thanks

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/03/2018 15:19

Quite frankly, everything in life is a choice

Bullshit !
People don’t choose to get cancer
People don’t choose to get hurt in a car accident
People don’t choose redundancy
People dont choose to born into damaging home environments that damage their self esteem
People don’t choose to be infertile

Bad things happen all the time . Some of us are Luckier - for now

Vitalogy · 05/03/2018 15:26

OP where have you been for the last 20 years?
Why haven't you been career driven to get yourself a better life? Some people don't give a monkey's/don't define themselves by a career. I know I don't. Never stopped me doing/getting what I wanted out of life.

Basta · 05/03/2018 15:47

No, YABU. At all.

Flowers
starlightafar · 05/03/2018 16:19

I think the advice to 'open yourself up to love' is pretty patronising and insulting tbh.

user1490465531 · 05/03/2018 17:01

I'm going to be honest OP but if I knew I would of ended up a single mum I would not of had my dd.
Lots of people are coming on here and advising OP to have a baby and go it alone but especially with no family support you will end up feeling even more depressed.
I totally get you OP I'm nearly 39 been single ten years and had some horrible experiences on OLD that have really knocked my already fragile self esteem.
Rather than worry about a man I've tried to set some small realistic goals that are achievable such as paint my room,treat myself to a new bed etc.
I have a low income and a dd to support so certain things are not possible but even a small achievable project can make you feel so much better.
And sorry but I know some people have success with OLD but it really doesn't work for everyone.