To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

I think the advice to 'open yourself up to love' is pretty patronising and insulting tbh

Ok, well the alternative is "carry on being negative about everything, never try anything to improve things, and keep on wondering why you're alone and nothing ever changes".

Well my sister got married at 21, had 4 children. Fast forward ten years, she's now separated all her kids are in care and one of the children has passed away. Now she's living in a one bedroom flat on her own, in debt , not much money.

Me on the other hand I'm 34 , no kids , never married and still go out to night clubs , bars and holidays with friends. I couldn't be happier to be honest. The grass is not greener.

I agree, stopfuckingshouting.

Counselling or life coaching might be a good idea as positive things tend to happen to positive people...

Hey OP, not at all.
I am in the same boat, just packing up to move house, downsizing in area and cashing in some equity to release ourselves from mortgage, something we’d never had been able to do if we’d had kids. Do I regret not having them? Not for one second, I often think how different my life would have been if we’d gone down that route but from the moment I net my wife she was adamant she didn’t want children and I was happy to respect that and, honestly I would have been a walkover as a father, the dog gets away with murder!!! Look back at those memories and feel however you feel but please don’t feel too sad, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be x

Somehow in a flash, you're not young anymore

Oh that is so true - it's almost physically painful to read those words.

Seriously? Both my parents were gone by the time I was 23. I went back to uni as a mature student that year , came out at 26 with a degree and no parents to share the experience with. At my graduation it was just me and my sister

Quite frankly, everything in life is a choice

"Bullshit !
People don’t choose to get cancer
People don’t choose to get hurt in a car accident
People don’t choose redundancy
People dont choose to born into damaging home environments that damage their self esteem
People don’t choose to be infertile"

I think what the poster meant about choice was not the above list. Of course shit happens. Of course we can't control events like accidents and genetics and our parents.

But we CAN control our responses to all of those things

Two people can have exactly the same shit thrown at them but they might respond in very different ways. That's the choice: HOW you respond.

It's very easy when posting on a forum to be a little-less than accurate because most people are posting in a hurry. So don't go jumping down people's throats just because they've not explained something perfectly. It's easy enough to read between the lines.

There is a lot of frustration on this thread because the OP has counter-argued every single 'helpful' suggestion with her negative replies. Nothing that anyone has suggested has been seen as a possibility. Everything has been seen as a 'Oh I couldn't possibly do that, because a) It didn't work last time b) I'm not that kind of person c) It didn't work for my friend, her cat, her dog...(whatever.)

If people post in AIBU that by its very nature gives people the opportunity to be critical because the question is AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?

If someone simply wants to 'cry' and not receive advice then they ought to say they are want that at the start.

So no, you are not unreasonable for feeling sad OP but you ABU for eschewing every single suggestion from people trying to help you.

But she didn't ask for advice in the OP.

It’s ok to feel sad - but you probably know that anyway.

I used to struggle with the fact that I had not made much of a career and did not fulfil my potential. I will never be x, y or z. I learnt to grieve for them then move on. Grieve for the things you think you may have lost out on, and don’t let anyone belittle that loss, but appreciate that time is passing and the longer you dwell the less you can focus on the next adventure.

This thread is ultimately about loneliness and you are not, ironically, alone in that Wedding

Loneliness can be crushing and effects physical and mental health. It's not just the elderly. I think we always imagine ways we can combat it, it we're stuck at home single, disabled, with a baby or whatever, we fantasise about ways we can/could of escaped it. But it's not that easy and loneliness is growing.

Wedding I don't know if this is helpful

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/loneliness/

But I really understand how you feel x

Well sorry for saying ‘bullshit’ that was rude I agree . Just that post made me see red

But I dont agree that positivity , counselling and a nice new haircut can overcome everything ! I keep saying this - but chronic loneliness is a very very hard state to snap out of . Can OP change - yes if she really want to . But it’s not easy and will take something of her .

And bad shit happens to good people . And yes they can out on a brave face and keep going but some people carry a little kernel of sadness in them at all times . And to deny that we deny humanity itself

Are there things you would like to try? What hobbies do you currently have or do you go to work and just go home every night?
Sometimes as we get older we just quietly lose confidence and are a bit scared to try new things... I get that ... it kind of creeps up on you..
There are a thousand skills or new things to try out there from Art classes , woodwork or join a choir or learn a language ...
The hardest thing is not to be afraid ... their are cheap options in most areas ... support groups that need help etc
I’m probably a few years older then you and will never get over not having children ... I’m still exploring other options ... but the sense of loss is constant especially as Mother’s Day looms ... maybe you could rent a room if you have your own place ... this will mean you have some company and a new circle of friends but will also give you more cash to help you do other things in your life...
Good luck and take a risk or two it may pay off when you aren’t expecting anything ..

So true , Rosevi

Hi, I have friends that have been in a similar situation and I have as well. If you really want children, have you thought about donor conception. I have friends that were single, couldn't find a partner (despite trying many different things - online dating, speed dating etc.) and they saved like mad and conceived via donor sperm. They are now very happy mums with beautiful children.

It depends how much you want children. If you really want them, you will do whatever it takes whether it is adoption/donor conception/fostering. It does cost but they worked overtime, extra jobs, saved like mad as it is what they wanted. They both said they didn't want to get to 50 and have regrets.

I don't agree children are overrated. I never thought I'd be able to have a child and am lucky to have one (would have loved to have had more but it is a medical impossibility) so for me, having my daughter is the most amazing thing -hard but amazing.

good luck - maybe counseling would help work out what you really want and how to get it.

You sound very low and would probably benefit from some professional support. You are sounding as if you have had no choice over the course of your life. We always have choice, however it can be difficult to see that, when we are focussing on the negative and counselling might help you to see that. It sounds as though it is still feasible to have children, however you choose not to pursue this, so you are making a choice there. You could become a single parent and adopt or foster. You blame lack of money for your lack of opportunity to travel etc, however there is nothing to stop you from getting a job in the travel industry, or working/ living abroad more cheaply as there is only you to consider. If you have regrets and want your life to be different, you have to be brave. Only you can change it.

You’ll find there are quite a few people who regret having got married - myself included.

I’ve been married - and divorced - twice. I just wish i’d never bothered.

It's never too late to meet someone and get married. But never have regrets. Of my two bridesmaids, one got divorced, one was widowed. My dh has a friend who s about to marry for the third time. You could have ended up in a miserable relationship, or a violent one. If you want to make a change then do, but don't feel they had something you didn't.

OP - I really feel and sympathise with your original post (although not sure if you're following this thread now).

I'm a little younger, but the feelings you've shared are very similar to how I feel. However, I felt compelled to respond to this thread for the comment you made about being ashamed, which many people questioned.

I really recognise that feeling. It stems (as many issues do) from what society expects of you. You feel shame because you don't have the life that society thinks you should - marriage, kids etc. You feel shame because you think that being single, and not having managed to achieve what society expects means there must be something wrong with you. A lot of people will say 'screw what society thinks you should do', and to a certain extent, they're right. But the truth is, those expectations permeate much deeper than many people even realise, and simply ignoring or pushing them away can be very hard.

I do agree with some of the posters who have said about getting professional help. Some of the things you've said do sound like you may benefit from some additional support. Please don't feel embarrassed about asking for help - I did and it did help to a certain extent.

I'm not going to try and offer advice on stuff to do to 'get out there' and 'meet people', as I think you've had plenty of that over the last 24 hours, but if you're reading this, I just wanted you to know you're not the only one out there that feels like this.

Final thing - have a read of Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Really helpful and inspiring book (she also does Ted talks).

Sending you hugs and

Marriage and children aren't all they're cracked up to be...I'm married not to my sons father...if 8d thought what a dick he was i wouldn't of married him or had my son..I love him wouldn't beven without him but turn the clock back.
Enjoy what you have and I'd you find a companion make sure they're right for you never change for another person.x

YANBU I felt like this for a long time, after having my heartbroken when I was 18 by a much older man, I entered into a series of self destructive relationships with drug addicts, alcoholics, anyone that might get some sort of reaction from the person I was still hung up on. By the time I was in my late 20s I had given up on men, had decided I was never going to have the perfect life with husband and kids and all that. I had my job, an unskilled job but one I enjoyed, and my beloved dogs I resigned myself to a life alone with my dogs. Then one day this most amazing man started working at my workplace it was love at first sight on both our parts. Within 3 weeks we were buying a house together we married after we'd been together 6 months. 7 years on we have 2 amazing children and are happier than I ever thought possible for me to be. On our wedding day someone gave us a card with this written on it
'Sometimes right in the middle of a ordinary life love gives us a fairytale'
Don't think you have missed out, life can take many unexpected twists and turns on its way

I married someone who already had two children and I got fixated on having children of my own. It did not happen and so I pressed ahead with adoption. I am now 50 and feel trapped and old. I look around at my friends who are childfree and they are the ones having the fun. The feelings that you are having can strike anyone, whatever decisions you have made in life. It is all part of the passing of time. There are few people who can look back with no regrets and if there are they are very lucky or deluded! xx