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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

449 replies

Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 08:12

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years (Shock) and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

OP posts:
cherrybath · 05/03/2018 18:36

Better not to be married than to get married for the sake of it. We all know people who felt they should settle down and marry, and we've seen some marriages fail. Equally we know people who had happily remained single but surprised themselves by meeting someone special later.

Just take life as it comes and live it, don't be a sad person who is disappointed with her life.

clarkl2 · 05/03/2018 18:52

I agree with both points:
You are never too old to find love..... and kids are MASSIVELY overrated

etcher70 · 05/03/2018 18:56

I have done everything late. Met my partner at 40. Had my first child at 41. Just adopted my second child aged 47. None of it planned but I don't always feel unusually old at baby groups etc :-) Adoption is always an option - it's worked well for us - and I know several single adopters who tell me it's the best thing they've ever done. If that's what you want go out there and get it x

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 05/03/2018 18:57

It’s fine to be reflective on why you are where you are now : you shouldn’t overglamourise the road ‘ not taken ‘ though.

Lizzie48 · 05/03/2018 19:14

I think the OP has hidden the thread as she said she would. I'm not surprised as advice from people who apparently have all the answers can be depressing when you're feeling low.

And for those of us who are married with families it's very easy to forget what loneliness can be like. (Speaking for myself here. I was single until my early 30s but it feels like a lifetime ago now.)

PoppyFleur · 05/03/2018 19:16

OP I'm sorry life hasn't turned out as you had hoped, it's shit and unfair. When life is presented as Noah's ark, everyone paired up 2 by 2 it's hard. OLD isn't for everyone, I have friends who have had success and others that had woeful experiences that ruined their already fragile self esteem.

You are allowed to feel sad and grieve for the life you thought you would have. I would echo comments that others have made about volunteering, honestly you will meet the best people plus it will also give you fixed pointers in your diary when you will get out and meet people.

MummyShah369 · 05/03/2018 19:17

Yup not having kids changes perspective... you just make the most of the options you have on the table.... Adoption may be an option, perhaps doing other things in your spare time... no one can make you feel happy... and its easy to feel hard done by... just try to enjoy the little things and plan a way forward...

Bramley1331 · 05/03/2018 19:44

I am married but at the age of 47 fostered 2 children. They are with us long term but you could foster long term, short term, respite (e.g. once a month for a weekend) . Single carers are welcomed as long as you have a spare bedroom.

IndieTara · 05/03/2018 19:46

Op it really isn't too late. I met my now ex husband at 41 and had DD at 43. I'm now 51 and have been a single parent for 5 yrs.
I honestly never thought any of that would happen, I married for love, but in many ways things still haven't worked out.
I have the best daughter but sudden unexpected health issues have meant I now have mobility problems so running around after an 8 yr old is painful and tiring.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you never know what will happen but the things you dream about don't always make you happy either.

Didoofcarthage · 05/03/2018 19:47

Hi, Movedbyfancies - yep, you’ve got it. Me too. And thanks. A weird guilt involved too. I’ll think on that one.

Teacher22 · 05/03/2018 19:47

I had a colleague who was a confirmed bachelor at over 50. We all thought it would never happen for him. However, he got talking to a nice Thai lady in a local restaurant and, reader, he married her. They are as happy as Larry and tour the country and the world.

VladmirsPoutine · 05/03/2018 19:48

Yanbu to feel the way you because your feelings are legitimate and it's ok to wallow in self-pity for a bit but at some point you have to draw a line. Decide what it is you want and if you want to do anything about it.

You don't have to stray very far from MN to see that no-one has the 'perfect' life.

Picoloangel · 05/03/2018 20:18

I know this isn’t what this about for you OP but thought I would throw this into the mix.
I went through most of my 20s and all
of my 30s single. As I hit my 40s I thought I would be single and childless and I had made my peace with it.

I decided to try internet dating and met DP 12 years ago at the age of 41. I had DD at the age of 45. Don’t get me wrong there were some absolute fuckmuppets on the various dating sites that I tried but I saw it as a dating experience more than a way to meet a permanent partner.

I’m just saying that things can change and can change quickly. I hope you find what you want OP or make peace with the fact that you haven’t. Good luck!

MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled · 05/03/2018 20:43

Thanks Dido - I'm glad someone 'got' what I was wittering on about! Wonder what you mean by guilt?

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 05/03/2018 20:47

TEacher22, is that really a happy ending?

Middled aged men ignore middle aged women and marry thai brides half their age.

I'm not enormously heartened by that story of love surprising a single person to be honest.

scheners1 · 05/03/2018 20:50

I feel your pain, I do have a teenage daughter which I adore but I have recently become single after being with my daughters father for 16 years, it frightens me knowing that I will be completely on my own soon once my daughter goes to uni, i have no friends really that I can hang out with, my partner was quite controlling and didn’t like socialising, I know it’s a good thing to be out of that relationship but until you get your confidence to go on dating websites, it’s lonely. Sounds crazy but have you ever considered fostering just to give you a purpose until your life turns a corner, I know single people who have fostered and they love it 😊

cheval · 05/03/2018 21:02

I agree with the children are over-rated remark. I love my now grown kids, but I could have had another life without them, too. Point is, they are not the be all and end all. You can still grab life by the horns and do what you want to do. Sit down, make a plan, be it small or large. And go for it!

VetOnCall · 05/03/2018 21:10

I used to work with a woman who met her first husband at 43 and had her first child at 44! I'm not saying it's common but it obviously can and does happen. I say that as a single and child-free 36 year old as well. I am looking for Mr Vet and I would like to try to have a child at some point, although I've never been massively broody. I've had LTRs in the past but I've very much been the world traveller type and have been pretty much everywhere, mostly on my own. I wouldn't change those experiences for anything but I'm ready to cut it back a bit now and try to get me one of them thar husbands Grin I realise that it may or may not happen but I know that the chances are much higher if I put the effort in so I'm doing OLD (depressing as it can be), I'm a climber and runner and have joined a couple of clubs, and I'm going to try Meet Up at some point soon too.

SJN71 · 05/03/2018 21:10

I just thought I’d put my two cents in because I thought at one point this would be me. I left an emotionally abusive marriage after 15 years at age 39 (with no kids) and was terrified I would end up a mad cat woman - I also had done the same office job for about 25 years and was in a rut. Was not on the lookout for a new relationship but had a complete surprise and met my (now) husband only a couple of months later.

Realised that with him I desperately wanted kids and ended up having a donor egg cycle in Europe and having my first adored DS at 45. Also re-trained as an Architectural Technician at age 42 (and there were older people in my class) and got a job doing that before I went on maternity leave. I was able to do these things as I had the love and support I had been lacking before.

So now I have a husband, baby and job that I love all in my late 40s. Not sure what age you are but things are still possible (and also for all those above who say too late to re-train etc - its not! And I tell you what us mature students were the top students of our year because we know how important it is - lots of the young ones dropped out or didn’t bother too much with the work - so go for it!!)

Good luck OP - I hope you find happiness, whatever shape or form that might take xx

FreeNiki · 05/03/2018 21:17

@VetOnCall how easy is it to get into climbing if you're reasonably fit?

VetOnCall · 05/03/2018 21:31

@FreeNiki it's not hard at all to give it a go. To get really good takes years and enormous effort, but you can achieve a pretty competent level within a year or two if you do it regularly enough. It's completely engrossing, challenging and great fun; I've been climbing since I was 11 but you can take it up at any age. You can learn to climb with ropes (top roping, lead climbing) and/or bouldering which requires no harnesses or ropes. Pretty much all cities and a lot of decent sized towns will have a climbing wall and most will offer taster sessions and then short introductory courses so you can learn the ropes (climber humour, sorry Grin). You can hire harnesses and rock boots (climbing shoes) so you don't have to commit to buying anything to start with. Once you can tie in and belay competently then you'll be able to use the wall independently/with a partner. For bouldering you can usually just turn up, hire the shoes and have a go. It's an incredibly friendly sport. I'm a bit evangelistic about it as it's been a central feature of my life for well over 20 years, feel free to PM me if you want more information.

FluffyWuffy100 · 05/03/2018 21:34

Yanbu to feel the way you because your feelings are legitimate and it's ok to wallow in self-pity for a bit but at some point you have to draw a line. Decide what it is you want and if you want to do anything about it.

Great advice

DesertSky · 05/03/2018 21:41

Hi OP.

I didn’t want to read and run... To me it sounds like you are stuck in a rut and fed up with the monotony of life. Going by things you’ve said, it does sound like you may be a bit depressed too - trust me I recognise the signs!
It’s easy to dwell on the what ifs and what could’ve been, but I’ve realised that you really need to live for the day. I think in some ways, life can be lonely even if you are surrounded by others and you feel like you’ve lost your way. Having a goal or aim is something that can really help. It doesn’t have to be something excessive, but something you would like really like to achieve. Having that focus can make a difference. You mention you’ve just moved house, that’s good to have a change. Embrace it and enjoy making it ‘your own little sanctuary’. I think making changes to your every day routine helps too. Just trying doing something a little out of the ordinary each day, even if it’s just taking a different route to work etc. Mixing your routine up a bit may prevent that repetitive feeling. You never know what unexpected excitement might be just round the corner.
Most importantly you ARE important. Please believe that. It’s something I am learning myself. Remember to take care of you. Diet, exercise, pampering yourself now and then all helps to uplift your spirit.
I wish you all the best and I hope things improve soon. xx

neekeem · 05/03/2018 21:45

I really hope you are able to get some counselling, OP. You are so adept at hiding how you are really feeling to your friends so no one is going to realise you're actually very sad so you're going to need to be pro-active and start some talking therapy.

I hope it gets better for you.

palepinkflowers · 05/03/2018 21:47

I am sorry to hear you have been feeling so low and hopeless. It sounds very difficult. Perhaps it may be helpful to talk to someone about it? For example, Samaritans are there to listen, not give advice, and you don’t have to be suicidal to contact them. They have a freephone number (116 123) , or you could email, text or visit your local branch. I wish you well.