To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

Let go of wanting a ‘perfect’ life.

It doesn’t exist.

The human race would have died out of people had waited for ideal circumstances to have dcs in.

'I questioned why because to lose both parents by the time you are 40 is pretty tough for sure. or if it's a case of being estranged, that's surely worth telling people so we can see the whole picture?'

It's no one's business and doesn't affect anything. She's not beholden to give anyone 'the whole picture'. Saying 'I don't have any family' is enough if that's what a person cares to divulge .

What turned it round for me was buying my own flat and finally being free of the shackles of my family. I didn't understand that at the time, though, but I was properly happy finally. I stopped stressing about what I didn't have and enjoyed the life I did have with my friends. I was a long way from my family and that made my life much easier. I also lost weight, which did make a difference to my confidence. So when I met my DH, I was in a place to grab my new life with both hands.

It really is about being in the right place to make changes to your life. When you're feeling low and depressed (which I have had a lot of experience of since then sadly) everything seems black and hopeless and changing your life can seem like an impossible task.

The OP does seem to be in a very bad place and unfortunately, which is why the well meaning advice from posters hasn't helped her.

'I questioned why because to lose both parents by the time you are 40 is pretty tough for sure

Isn't perfectly normal? Both my parents were gone long before I was 40.

It's not that unusual to be without parents by 40.

My parents died in my early 20s. Grandparents died when I was a child and I have no siblings. I had 5 aunts and 5 uncles on my mum's side though now I'm 45 only 3 of those 10 are still alive. I'm not particularly close to them or my cousins. Until this year I hadn't seen any of them for 4 years. And before that it was at least twice as long. I don't have phone now for any of them and addresses only for q few.

*Let go of wanting a ‘perfect’ life.

It doesn’t exist.

The human race would have died out of people had waited for ideal circumstances to have dcs in.*

Bit harsh to accuse someone of “wanting a perfect life” just for wanting marriage and children.

What’s with all the sarky faces expat ?

I agree that it’s common to be estranged and far/distant from families - but to literally have no one is actually quite rare . No sibling , nieces , aunt or even cousins is pretty unusual and can’t help how OP is feeling

I questioned why because to lose both parents by the time you are 40 is pretty tough for sure

It happens. Shit happens. I managed to lose both parents by the age of 2. One twat driving too fast was all it took. Not an ounce of carelessness on my part.

I believe you OP

By 19 I had no parents. I went out with a man once who was 50 when his mum died and started calling himself-in a totally serious way- an orphan. As much as I sympathised I was a bit at his pity party

But anyway travel isn’t the point, here, travel always finds its ways onto threads about single women and I don’t know why!

Well, I guess that it's because people with families tend to be more limited with what they can do travel wise. I've lost count of the number of friends, saying that they wish that they could just up an off somewhere exotic, as I'm free to do. However, I don't have a DH to support me or any DC to love me. Life's one big compromise—for most of us.

But yeah, I take your point and get what you mean about ravel not being for everyone.

Yes, re the feelings of not being young.

You are young, young lady. Promise. Embrace it.

S xx

'You are young, young lady. Promise. Embrace it.'

Maybe if you're my 82-year-old father, but get real, 40 isn't really young.

Of course it's OK to feel sad that things you wanted didn't happen.

I also think part of what you are feeling is the sadness many of us go through at 40ish when we look back and only appreciate now how many doors were open to us that have now closed. Career, friendships, relationships - we've all missed opportunities and have regrets about that. In my case some fairly sickening ones, and I think it's better to look that honestly in the face than repress it.

But. We still have many doors open to us that will not always be open...

'I questioned why because to lose both parents by the time you are 40 is pretty tough for sure

Isn't perfectly normal? Both my parents were gone long before I was 40.

Statistically no it's not 'normal' because in the UK average life expectancy of women is around 84 and men it's around 80.

If your parents were in their 40s when they had you, yes, they may die by the time you are 40, but it' s not the average anyway.

I have friends in their 60s whose parents are very much alive in their late 80s and 90s.

My post was sympathetic, not meant to start a row over what's 'normal'.

buttered No one ( especially me!) was implying the OP was lying! FGS! How does a simple question then become an accusation of lying?

I happen to have friends whose parents are alive in their 90s and my friends are in their 60s. Yes of course shit happens.

And I am sorry for your loss.

Polly, you're being truthful and nowhere have you been unkind. Unfortunately people's investment of kindness and offers of support are often not valued.

What's the expression... "no kind deed ever goes unpunished"

40 isn’t old though. It’s old enough to look back 20 years and wonder where the fuck they went, but it’s also young enough to completely change your future if you really want to. What you don’t want to do is carry on the same path and be looking back in another 20 years and wonder where they went too, and then the next 20...

If you keep on doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same result.

What would you like to do with the rest of your life, OP? Make a list and then rank them in order of most achievable, start working through them. Start with easy stuff to give you confidence.

I try and do something new or learn at least one new skill a year. Youth is full of new experiences and milestones - first boyfriend, A level exams, first car, first festival, first house - then suddenly everything seems to stay the same for years with nothing changing at all, and the future looks like it will be exactly the same. Make some new milestones, even if it is teaching yourself something using YouTube, and it gives a kind of scale to measure your life against. I think ah, 2007, that was the year I dyed my hair pink; 2008 that was the summer I first went sailing; 2009, I learned to knit and made that awful woolly hat I wore all winter; 2010, I quit my shit job and got a better one, or whatever. I find I look back and see the things I have done, instead of years of unchanging nothingness.

It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut, but sometimes just a small change can lead on to something better

I don't really get the posters saying "change things", one man I know went to the same pub every friday night for 20 years-met his now partner when she walked in one night. also OP has said she would like to be married, with children, you cant plan that like a career or a holiday

Having kids and or a marriage is largely a matter of luck. Some incredibly patronising responses on here.

you cant plan that like a career or a holiday

No - but you can certainly take action to improve your chances of it happening.

Op you can start as many threads as you damn well please.

I think I know what you mean about “ashamed” (though I may have got it wrong)

you cant plan that like a career or a holiday

You can put plans in place to increase your exposure to people. If you're not socialising and meeting people then finding a partner will be hard. Join groups, sports clubs, do a college course with the aim of meeting new people. Then you might find a partner or just end up with a varied social circle, either way it's a win win situation.

Sorry - not read the last 6 pages. I just wanted to say that the whole ‘3 hour block’ thing really struck a chord with me.
When I lived on my own I used to do this. It’s hard to explain. I enjoyed my own company, and loved living on my own, but I felt a strange pressure (from myself) to always be spending my time in a worthwhile way. I would read the Guardian weekend section abc choose an art gallery to visit. I would book a short trip up the islands of Scotland. I would fill my time volunteering at various charities, often packing my summer holidays full of 4/5 week trips to places like Cambodia, Thailand etc to work for NGOs. Was I happy? No. Was I unhappy? No. It was like some weird kind of stasis where to do nothing would have made me miserable, but if I thought about whether or not I actually enjoyed the things o was doing then i’n Not sure I could have answered with a yes. It felt like treading water - but ironically it was an attempt NOT to tread water. I knew I couldn’t rely on meeting someone - as a PP has said it’s mostly down to luck - and I was damned if I was going to ‘wait around’. The trouble is though, that living your life in such a ‘vital’ way is exhausting. Having to plan and plan and plan just to make the days go by is exhausting. When you are married (and for me, especially when I had children) life is something that happens to you naturally as those in your life naturally dictate the rhythm of your life which you are swept along by. Ironically it is that lack of autonomy which most women find so hard about having children. But I will never forget the pressure I felt to ‘be’ or to be ‘doing’ something today I felt when I was single. This probably makes little (no) sense but your post really struck a chord with me.

I think Polly is onto something in that you may be single because even though you say you want a relationship, subconsciously you might not think you're worthy and feel more comfortable being alone. This article explains it better than I can: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-you-consciously-want-a-relationship-but-subconsciously-feel-bad-about-you-relationships-its-a-recipe-for-pain/

It sounds like you struggled with self-esteem growing up and still do so the best thing to do in your case is to get some counselling and work on yourself.

Also you say you are outwardly sunny in front of others but sad when you're on your own. Do you ever talk to your friends about how you're feeling? Maybe you should to make you feel less alone.

I'm fast approaching 40 and am single and want children but no way am I giving up hope! It is hard though being single for ages. I love my own company but I also struggle with the loneliness. It's normal. Just remember to be kind to yourself always and be your own cheerleader not your worst critic.