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AIBU?

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Original poster

If your dp did this?

183 replies

namechangersgalore · 03/03/2018 19:32

I have just arrived back from a holiday with my dp and baby. A group of dp's male friends were visiting the destination at the same time and he basically spent the week staying out with them every night until 3am, spent one whole morning going out to an activity with them and one day they even happened to be in the same Waterpark at the same time. I'm starting to realise that being in the same destination at the same time probably wasn't exactly a coincidence and I was left holding the baby for a lot of the week. He did pay for the whole trip so do I have a right to be furious with him?

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 04/03/2018 09:35

So he's basically mugged you off in front of all his friends? Fuck that. I wouldn't let anyone make me out to look like a fool ever. It doesn't sound like he's interested in being a family. I'm a single mum and it's hard but I'd choose it any day over being with someone who did that to me.

You seem to be so accommodating and tolerant to this bullshit which concerns me.

lostmyfeckingkeysagain · 04/03/2018 09:36

I would completely lose my shit over this.

Has he actually confessed to setting this up yet or is he still claiming it's a massive coincidence that all his friends turned up at the same holiday destination at the same time? I don't believe that for a second and I wouldn't be letting it drop until he'd admitted it!

I can't believe he thinks he has done nothing wrong by going out with his mates every night, leaving you alone on what you were told would be a "family holiday" because the baby is in bed! What about you OP?? He has spectacularly missed the point. Holidays with small children aren't about partying all night but you can still sit out on the balcony and have a glass of wine, talk, reconnect as a couple whilst baby is sleeping.

I never say this but, fuck it, LTB.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 04/03/2018 09:48

Also, presumably you were doing everything with the baby - night feeds, early mornings, etc - if he was out until 3am with his mates doing god knows what every night? Seriously, don't bother unpacking your case, call a taxi and go straight round to a friend's or your parents.

LannieDuck · 04/03/2018 09:49

I mentioned to him that I was upset that he spent more time with his friends than us on holiday and he said it's not his fault that I couldn't do the activities that he wanted to do because of the baby and why did it matter that he went out at night when the baby was in bed anyway as it's not like he could have gone anywhere with me anyway. I need to have a think about what I'm going to do next.

You said in the next post that it's like you don't exist. I totally agree.

Did he ever consider that you could have done an activity that you wanted to do (not necessarily one that he wanted to do!) while he looked after the baby? Or that you might have liked to go out one night while he looked after the baby?

He seems to think that you won't want to do anything unless you're tagging along with him! Which, of course, you couldn't do anyway because you'll always be looking after the baby...

Can I hazard a guess that this is another of those relationship where the woman does all the childcare and the man 'helps' from time to time?

LannieDuck · 04/03/2018 09:50

(Or, God forbid, that you might have gone out as a family to do something you both wanted to do....)

madsiemoomoo · 04/03/2018 09:58

Please OP find your backbone and have it out with him properly, and do it soon because so far he seems pretty smug and happy with himself that he got away with it. I don't want to be mean but if you don't think that he and his mates had a good laugh at you being under the thumb and doing as you are told, looking after the baby while he was getting pissed every night, you live in cloud cuckoo land.

He needs to understand that he can't treat you like this otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of being treated like a doormat and him doing as he pleases while you quietly resent him (and it sets an awful example for your child as well) and it will escalate because he clearly has no respect for you or your relationship

Whether you choose to leave or not, you need a 'come to Jesus' talk and he needs to understand in no uncertain terms that his behaviour has been so appalling that you find yourself with a decision to make. And it will be your decision not his.

Even if he didn't know they were going to be there (yeah right, does he think you are stupid enough to actually believe that) he had choices to make, he was on holiday with you not them. Seeing them one night would have been OK but the rest of the time should have been with his family. But hey, he obviously did not give two hoots about whether you enjoyed your holiday because you were just there to look after the baby.

What a complete and utter arsehole he is

NoSquirrels · 04/03/2018 09:59

he said it's not his fault that I couldn't do the activities that he wanted to do because of the baby and why did it matter that he went out at night when the baby was in bed anyway as it's not like he could have gone anywhere with me anyway

All about him, then.

What about spending time with you not going out? What about asking what activities you might like to do?

Honestly, it doesn’t matter if he planned his mates turning up, if they planned it or if it was a giant cast coincidence which it wasn’t. Hi mates being there might have justified a day out, or an evening out, but he was on a family holiday with you.

He’s selfish and immature. Don’t wait around for him to grow up, he’ll make your lives miserable.

AlwaysPondering · 04/03/2018 10:06

Wow he really doesn't care for or respect you does he. What a horrid partner.

SundaysFunday · 04/03/2018 10:09

If my DP did this, he wouldn't be my DP anymore

SweetMoon · 04/03/2018 10:12

Goodness I am so sorry op that you were treated like that. You have every right to be pissed off. He acted like a complete selfish arsehole and indeed had his cake and ate it.

I don't believe he didn't know his friends were going either. This was planned. But even so if (massive IF) he didn't know he could've gone out one night with them and then spent the rest of his time with his FAMILY on his FAMILY holiday.

I am so angry on your behalf. That was a real shitty thing for him to do.

Graphista · 04/03/2018 10:16

Yea he's checked out of your relationship - if he were ever in it to begin with.

I too would have come home and packed his bags. Selfish arse! It's like you're a nanny that he occasionally shags - and I'd bet he's not even great at that!

Get rid you're worth more and so is baby

SeaCabbage · 04/03/2018 10:18

I am afraid it really does sound, as you are suspecting, that he wouldn't be with you if it wasn't for the baby. have you been together long? Was the child planned? It sounds like you are going to have to leave him.

Bonez · 04/03/2018 10:20

He's too selfish. Leave him.

Tessermee · 04/03/2018 10:30

How on earth did you put up with that all holiday?!! He is incredibly selfish. Please stand up for yourself!

One night/day out with mates and then I would have said no way, if you want to go on holiday with your mates go on holiday with your mates another time, this was supposed to be a family holiday. Evenings could have been spent having a nice dinner in together or watching a movie. You could have let baby stay up a bit one night and all go out.
Also his going out will have affected the following day when he was probably tired/hungover.

He essentially ruined your holiday he owes you another one!

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/03/2018 10:34

OP, as others have said, this is appalling behaviour. He is neither a good father or a OH- he is a selfish arse. All you are to him is a babysitter.

Whocansay · 04/03/2018 10:37

I wouldn't even bother having it out with him. His behaviour says it all. He didn't want to spend time with you. At all. He wanted to see his baby and his friends.

It's one thing that his friends 'just happened to be there' (yeah, right). It's quite another that he then chose to spend most of his time with them and not you.

I would just leave him and make plans to co-parent. There's no coming back from this.

PhelanThePain · 04/03/2018 11:42

OP please don’t have unprotected sex with him.

mummymeister · 04/03/2018 12:45

You aren't his equal partner. you are his servant. you look after his child, you keep the house nice for him, cook and shop and meet his sexual needs. but you aren't his partner.

he knew exactly what was going on. he knew that his friends were going to meet him there and he knew that you wouldn't make a fuss when he told you he was going out.

the money spent on this holiday and the cars isn't his money its JOINT money. he works and earns it away from the home, you work in the home and earn it.

he is never ever going to change. And when he gets bored of you and bored of the baby he will just piss off and leave you high and dry.

don't wait around for that to happen. get your ducks in a row now and work out how you can make a life for you and your baby away from him.

if you stay with him this will keep on happening time and time again. He behaves like this because he can, he is enabled to do it because he knows you wont make a fuss and wont put any pressure on him to change.

so for the sake of avoiding the years of misery ahead of you, cut your losses now and get out.

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2018 12:56

Irritated?

You should be incandescent.

Do you rent or own? Make sure you have a copy of all financial paperwork so he can't screw you over on child maintenance and get the hell out of there.

And BTW - he's a crap father.

Belleende · 04/03/2018 13:07

He has zero respect for you, and the fact that you allowed him to do this with barely a whimper shows you have very little respect for yourself either, which is really sad. I can't see how the relationship can be salvaged, but you can get back your self respect.

Pack his bags, kick him out, end the relationship and start building a life without him. I can guarantee that however hard this might be, it will be better for you than a life half lived with him.

BrightOranges · 04/03/2018 13:09

This smells of bullshit to me.

AmysTiara · 04/03/2018 13:10

He's about as far from an amazing dad as he could be. Selfish twat.

theWarOnPeace · 04/03/2018 13:11

Agree with every other poster. Seems to be a unanimous YANBU. You deserve better than this

MyBoysAndI · 04/03/2018 13:17

Omg op. I really hope you see sense and LTB. Don't become one of the many mugs on here that keep coming back with tales of woe

Hoppinggreen · 04/03/2018 13:19

The really worrying thing is that you had to come on here and ask if it was ok for you to be pissed off.
It’s quite hard to believe that a man would actually behave like this and that anyone would have to ask a bunch of strangers if his behaviour was ok

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