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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your dp did this?

183 replies

namechangersgalore · 03/03/2018 19:32

I have just arrived back from a holiday with my dp and baby. A group of dp's male friends were visiting the destination at the same time and he basically spent the week staying out with them every night until 3am, spent one whole morning going out to an activity with them and one day they even happened to be in the same Waterpark at the same time. I'm starting to realise that being in the same destination at the same time probably wasn't exactly a coincidence and I was left holding the baby for a lot of the week. He did pay for the whole trip so do I have a right to be furious with him?

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 03/03/2018 20:55

Do you have a mum nearby that you and baby can go and stay with for a few days?

I can't grasp from your posts whether you are asking 'is this it, is it game over' or 'what should I do?' but I do think wherever your head is at the moment that he needs to realise exactly what a shit he has been. If he wants to be a family man he needs to grow up.

And yes, in answer to your question you have absolutely every right to be way more than furious at him.

BewareOfDragons · 03/03/2018 20:56

I'd pack his bags and tell him to go stay with his friends, since he clearly prefers to spend all their time with and money on them instead of you. Make him go. Tell him you're going to think long and hard about whether you want to stay with someone who is clearly a liar and a selfish twat who actually abandoned you on holiday to 'hold the baby'.

I would give serious thought to what you want for the next 10, 20, 30, 40+ years and who you want to spend it with.

Regularsizedrudy · 03/03/2018 21:01

I would dump over this.

Original poster
namechangersgalore · 03/03/2018 21:03

I just wanted to establish really if I have a right to be pissed off or if I am overreacting before I go in all guns blazing.

OP posts:
DiegoMadonna · 03/03/2018 21:07

He told his mates to meet him there and didn't even tell you about it (he must have known weeks or months in advance) then went out every night until 3am. Why did he even take you? Might as well have just gone on the lads holiday on his own.

So no, YANBU.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 03/03/2018 21:08

You’ve somehow become the nanny in this situation. I think it’s easy to find yourself in this situation. Please don’t settle fir second best you deserve so much more.

beanii · 03/03/2018 21:08

An amazing dad that wanted to spend more time making memories with his mates than his own baby?????? Even if he didn't know they were going (which he did - too much of a coincidence) he didn't have to spend time with them did he? That would be the end for me - he is making a fool of you - sorry!

MrsElvis · 03/03/2018 21:09

Yes this would literally end a relationship

Blackteadrinker77 · 03/03/2018 21:09

You need to be more assertive at the time OP. When he first said he was going out without you you should have said no. It was a family holiday.

Don't let any one make you second best. You bloody are not second best to any one. If he doesn't see that he will lose out in the long run.

You are not there to be his child minder. You deserve to be an equal. Hold your head high and tell him he treats you as an equal or gets stepping!

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 03/03/2018 21:10

Op - I think the unanimous calling your dp a twat should give you your answer.

And for the majority it would be a deal breaker in the relationship. I certainly couldn't stay with someone who treated me and our baby with such disrespect

Blackteadrinker77 · 03/03/2018 21:11

You’ve somehow become the nanny in this situation. I think it’s easy to find yourself in this situation. Please don’t settle fir second best you deserve so much more

I hadn't read this post before I posted, great minds think a like Star

ReanimatedSGB · 03/03/2018 21:12

I think the only reason he took you and the baby was so that he could say to you that it was a family holiday - presumably the household budget wouldn't have allowed him a lads' week and a holiday for you as a family.

Have a think about what life with him is like generally, particularly in terms of leisure time. Basically, how much leisure time do you get, when he looks after the baby and you get to meet up with friends, go and see a film, or go for a swim, or do whatever you like to do which is for you and not for the benefit of either baby or DP I rather suspect that he has convinced you he's entitled to a social life because he brings in a wage, but your 'life' is housework and childcare.

CherryMaDeary · 03/03/2018 21:15

Amazing fathers do not ditch wife and baby to play with their mates on a family holiday!

Agreed

CottonSock · 03/03/2018 21:16

He is acting like a single 17 year old. What a wanker

IHATEPeppaPig · 03/03/2018 21:20

OP this is truly ridiculous behaviour, my DP can be a moody, selfish arse at time but I can guarantee that he would never ever do this to me or our children.

TBH, unless he is a saint in everyday life I would be considering whether this is a long term relationship because he is not acting like it is.

Also he is not an amazing father for spending time with HIS child - I hate the way men are painted as saints for spending time with their children. It's the bare minimum - does he do any of the boring mundane tasks of being a parent?!

FrostiesMum · 03/03/2018 21:20

He’s in the wrong OP but you do also need to consider your actions on the holiday too in terms of how you approach it

jpclarke · 03/03/2018 21:23

I would be packing a bag for myself and the baby and spending the night elsewhere. That's disgraceful treatment even if he is telling the truth that they booked last minute he didn't need to spend any time with them. I would be livid too. If he wants to be a Dad he needs to grow up. Mom's and Dad's work long hours and when they holiday their holidays usually centre around the child. He is an asshole and unless you speak up and do something drastic you will be treated like this forever.

Skittlesandbeer · 03/03/2018 21:24

I find myself almost hoping this gets picked up by the Daily Mail. First time I’ve ever thought that, for sure.

This selfish arsehole deserves to read what decent normal people (ahem, well you know what I mean) think of his antics.

He thinks he’s sooooooo clever!

gillybeanz · 03/03/2018 21:30

I'd have to end this relationship too as it isn't equal.
It says a lot about his character, how selfish and disrespectful.
Clearly he doesn't want to be part of a family with responsibilities

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 03/03/2018 21:32

OP whilst everything that PPs have said is true I think you also need to have an honest look at yourself and ask why you are afraid to challenge him and assert yourself as someone who ought to be respected too.

It is concerning that you don’t already know how unacceptable his behaviour was and that you said nothing on holiday because you didn’t want to create a bad atmosphere.

He is definitely a twat. Are you enabling him because this is what you think a normal relationship is? Or are you afraid of him?

SpareASquare · 03/03/2018 21:32

Everyone has already said what I think about him but what bothers me most of all is that you went along with it and didn't say anything. That doesn't bode well at all Sad

What outcome are you hoping to achieve now that it's over, holidays done with no complaint from you? You've been a complete doormat and I hope you realise that it is not a healthy relationship.

You say he's a great dad but is he? Is this how you want YOUR child to learn how to treat a partner?

I truly hope this changes things for you OP, you don't deserve to be treated that way

Fintress · 03/03/2018 21:35

I would have been beyond furious and booked a flight straight home. His bags would packed and left at his parents or elsewhere for him to find when he got back. Either that I would be gone. He is extremely immature and made you look like a doormat. You seriously need to reconsider your relationship with that selfish swine.

boomboom1234 · 03/03/2018 21:40

I'm really sorry OP I would be so hurt and upset. I really think you need to talk to him about it. There is no way that was a family holiday if you were left in on your own every night. How horrible of him to treat you like a spare part.

PhelanThePain · 03/03/2018 21:43

OP there will have been incidents and indications of his contempt for you prior to this holiday. This isn’t a blip in an otherwise lovely man’s personality. This isn’t out of character, this is who he is and he has managed to get you to a point where you were willing to believe it was all a coincidence. There will have been things happened prior to this on a smaller scale that will have raised your suspicions that he was up to something or lying to you. Men don’t suddenly dupe their partners into letting them go on a lads holiday, he will have been laying the foundations to ease your acceptance of this for some time. I suspect you are quite young and maybe this is your first serious relationship. You’re definitely naive and being played here. I suggest you take a step back from this relationship and take some time to work out where your own boundaries are and also to work on that fibber radar.

gillybeanz · 03/03/2018 22:03

No he didn't pay for the whole trip, it came out of family money.
OP, you need to look at what constitutes being a family because from your posts it sounds like you are both single.
No decent father does this to his family, it was obviously planned right from the start because he knew you wouldn't agree if you asked.
Tell us some of his good points OP, because atm you and your child sound better off without him.
I feel sorry for you both Thanks

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