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AIBU?

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Original poster

If your dp did this?

183 replies

namechangersgalore · 03/03/2018 19:32

I have just arrived back from a holiday with my dp and baby. A group of dp's male friends were visiting the destination at the same time and he basically spent the week staying out with them every night until 3am, spent one whole morning going out to an activity with them and one day they even happened to be in the same Waterpark at the same time. I'm starting to realise that being in the same destination at the same time probably wasn't exactly a coincidence and I was left holding the baby for a lot of the week. He did pay for the whole trip so do I have a right to be furious with him?

OP posts:
seven201 · 04/03/2018 00:50

You say you didn't raise it on holiday. So when he asked if he could go out again each night what did you say? He might be oblivious. Not that that's an excuse. I would be so so mad! I wouldn't have been able to not bring bf it up whilst there though.

Original poster
namechangersgalore · 04/03/2018 08:11

He didn't ask me if he could go out, he kind of just told me where he was going.

OP posts:
toolonglurking · 04/03/2018 08:14

Your reaction to this is what's worrying me, does he always just do what he likes and you go along with it?

Oh and he's really not an amazing father. Not even close.

You sound like you are living under some sort of spell.

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2018 08:14

You have big problems if you have to come on here asking if this is ok. Wake up.

billybagpuss · 04/03/2018 08:31

Have you said anything to him yet?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 04/03/2018 08:31

Op what are you going to do?

I'm really concerned you had to ask if this was unreasonable.

I'm not hearing a lot of anger from you. You still sound very passive. As if this is all just happening to you and you can't do anything.

ShiftyMcGifty · 04/03/2018 08:40

When you’ve “created a bad atmosphere” before, did he get angry and make you feel it was your fault? What happened?

Original poster
namechangersgalore · 04/03/2018 08:42

I mentioned to him that I was upset that he spent more time with his friends than us on holiday and he said it's not his fault that I couldn't do the activities that he wanted to do because of the baby and why did it matter that he went out at night when the baby was in bed anyway as it's not like he could have gone anywhere with me anyway. I need to have a think about what I'm going to do next.

OP posts:
ButDoYouAvocado · 04/03/2018 08:47

Another one here in shock at his awful treatment of you.

Also surprised that you didnt put your foot down at the time. This is in no way a criticism, i think that this sort of thing, albeit in smaller measures, happens to you regularly and you've become conditioned to accept it.

Let this be the straw that breaks the camels back x

liquidrevolution · 04/03/2018 08:47

What you should do next us kick him out while taking time to reassess the relationship.

He doesn't seem to care about you, just about partying with his mates and being a Disney dad Hmm

FunkyCatsFiestyStats · 04/03/2018 08:49

Wow... just wow.

Honestly OP, your DP sounds immature and selfish. That behaviour just isn't acceptable. If I were in your shoes, I would seriously be thinking about leaving him. This sort of thing won't get better.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 04/03/2018 08:58

He might be a loving dad but he’s a horrible partner to you. What he did is so selfish. It’s hurtful and dismissive of you in the extreme. He can carry on being a decent dad but you need to be with someone who treats you the way you deserve (polar opposite of this idiot).

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2018 09:11

No but he could bave been company for you! He knew that all along so what changed?
He arranged all this. You know it and we know It.
But again, it's not up to us to say what's ok and not In your relationship. If you are mad about it be mad. I know I would be.

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2018 09:12

But my fiance would never have done this!

SimonBridges · 04/03/2018 09:13

he said it's not his fault that I couldn't do the activities that he wanted to do because of the baby

It’s exactly his fault. When you have a baby there are compromises to be made all the time about what you can and can’t do.
In normal life, how often does he go out with friends, do a sport etc and leave you stuck at home? Compare that to how often you get to go out and leave him with the baby.
Also does he ask you if he can go out or tell you? What about when you want to go out?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 04/03/2018 09:17

So he was on a family holiday and ALL the things he wanted to do involved his mates and drinking

And you're ok with being left alone every night cos hey you weren't planning on going out were you

What's it like at home day to day? Is this fairly indicative of what he's like? A selfish arse

Original poster
namechangersgalore · 04/03/2018 09:17

I think the comments on here have made me wake up and open my eyes to a few things, deep down I think he's only stayed with me because of our baby, he never posts anything about us as a couple or a family on social media, all his holiday pictures were him and his friends or him and our baby. It's like I don't exist.

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 04/03/2018 09:17

Yes he has a total lack of respect for you. Get rid of him and be grateful you found out now.

Whisky2014 · 04/03/2018 09:18

Exactly. Get rid

xLeanne128 · 04/03/2018 09:19

Life's far too short to be unhappy, unloved and unappreciated.

mikesh909 · 04/03/2018 09:22

This is not even on the fringes of acceptable behaviour. It smacks of your dp feeling pretty smug and pleased with himself that he came up with this scheme and got away with it. The lying and the attitude that comes with it are not ok.

There is an inherent assumption that childcare is your responsibility. Again, not ok. Even if you're a sahm, when he is not at work those responsibilities are shared.

My dp gets up with our one year old every time she wakes at night, as I am currently struggling through another pregnancy and often spends the rest of the night asleep on her floor. This is in spite of working full time in a physical job. He spends all his free time with us, or doing things to make our home nicer. He baths our daughter every night as soon as he gets in the door from work. He plays with her, reads her stories, sings songs, gives her endless attention and time. He spends no money on hobbies or activities that are just 'his'. His friends have been on at least two trips abroad since our dd was born, both of which he would have enjoyed. However, he has understood (with no prompting from me) that with a young family, these are not things that can be priorities. Our daughters little face literally lights up when she sees him. He is a great dad. I do not doubt for one second that we are his absolute first priorities. There is no way on god's green earth he would attempt to pull a stunt like this and if he did, well there are no words for the wrath that he would find unleashed upon him. Really think about where you are getting this notion that your dp is a wonderful father. Does he do those things, or similar?

Catmint · 04/03/2018 09:23

he said it's not his fault that I couldn't do the activities that he wanted to do because of the baby

Yeah, but it's totally his fault that he hasn't grown the fuck up and found activities that he wanted to do with you and the baby.

Shoxfordian · 04/03/2018 09:25

He is completely disrespectful
Does he think you're a complete idiot? As if his friends just coincidentally turned up!

Break up with him today

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 04/03/2018 09:25

That's rubbish you couldn't have done anything in the evenings with the baby. The whole point about holidays is to relax about routine, so you could've gone out to dinner and put the baby down to sleep in its pram next to you. Or sat on your balcony or whatever and had a drink together. You've been totally set up, OP – he clearly arranged for his mates to be there at the same time. I don't usually say LTB, but his total lack of regard for you and your child and his unwillingness to even sacrifice a week of lads' time to be with you would have me running for the hills. Because now he's got away with it once, it'll happen again.

KateGrey · 04/03/2018 09:31

He sounds like a complete bastard! If he’s treating you like this so early on it’ll only get worse!

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