My third is my “never again” baby. Four days of induction at 37w because they reckoned she was too small (I had GD, well controlled with diet). Everything went wrong. All the pessaries didn’t work, it was outrageously painful getting them in (I used gas and air) as my cervix is in the wrong place. They broke my waters, but later on it transpired it hadn’t worked. The drip was on for about 20hrs, I was exhausted and had a hypo as well. I was begging for a section as nothing was happening, and I wasn’t allowed to move off the bed. They said no, not yet, have the epidural and we will ramp up the drip even more. So I had an epidural, absolute rubbish that it is just ‘pressure’ and doesn’t hurt. It hurt. An hour later they call the anaesthetist back because the epidural didn’t take, so we do it all over again. They increase the drip and within minutes I’m in transition and terrified, the actual pushing was only 10 minutes but I was an absolute screaming wreck by then, we had other midwives come in and I was panicking hugely, begging for forceps or anything at all, screaming that I couldn’t do it. I just feel so embarrassed at the state I was in. I refused one examination (at this point I was convinced I still wouldn’t be more than 1cm as I’d been that for 3 days, it just felt pointless) and then when I realised I needed to push I felt sort of told off for it, because maybe if they’d examined me then they would have seen I was finally dilating.
I had the expected hormonal crash after the birth, exacerbated by passing huge clots and having to inject myself (nobody had told me that). But I got through it. However on her due date I totally crashed again. I just kept thinking, how different could it have been if they hadn’t panicked. I can’t blame them though, I know I could have refused induction and all that, but I never would have. All the staff were amazing actually, but the policy of being strapped to the monitor was awful. I felt like such a failure at the time because nothing was working but they were very reassuring that actually my body was trying to keep baby in and safe. But it was honestly the worst four days of my life, and whenever I remember it I just feel like scrunching my eyes up so I can’t see it anymore, and pretending it didn’t happen. I was a paranoid wreck, I am autistic and being on the ward for so long and having all the internals and hearing other women screaming and vomiting (I’m emetophobic) just had my stress levels so unbearably high. I was anxious throughout the pregnancy, worse than the other two, I was absolutely convinced she would die in labour, and was in shock when she actually arrived, I just kept repeating I can’t believe she’s here. I was mentally exhausted by the end, as much as physically, and when I was given a bed on the postnatal ward I nearly dropped her I was so worn out.
I never felt like that with the other two, both inductions and actually the first was quite bad really, only just avoided an EMCS, plus awful treatment in that hospital. I had to go through so much alone because I was in hospital for 3 days after. Luckily this time I was out in under 24h. And everyone is always amazed how I gave birth to my second who was nearly 12lb (undiagnosed GD and overdue), but honestly I’d do that ten times over rather than go through my third again.
I am lucky that this was our surprise third and last, I am now terrified of being pregnant ever again, DH is getting the snip.