To tell him he is not to drink on the stag...

[ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick]

Have NC as it's going to be outing and this is long as there is a big back story so bare with me!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 7, have a 3 year old together and currently trying for 2nd.

He has had a problem with alcohol. When we first got together we were young - 21 and 22 and he was drinking a lot, it got so bad that he was drinking a full big bottle of rum a night. He was sick and choked in his sleep, he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things.
It came to a head when he lost a job because he turned up drunk... (this was when we had been together for about a year)

I gave him an ultimatum and said you quit drinking or I leave you.

He quit drinking for 4 years, had not touched a drop and became a really lovely husband and father.

Then the odd pint or glass of wine started to sneak in on special occasions. I said at the time that I did not want it to get as bad as it was & it was to stick to special occasions.

Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out.

In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out with his friend who is getting married in a few months time. I was beyond stressed on these nights and I have anxiety anyway as it is.

This friend is having a 3 night / 4 day stag in a couple of months with about 15 of them going and sharing 2 rooms between the lot of them.
There is someone going who is the biggest prick in the world (huge backstory to that - a whole other thread!) and I seriously would not put it past him to encourage DH to cheat / spike DH drinks!

They are already talking about pranks and strip clubs.

I have told DH two things...

Firstly he is not to drink at all and if I find out that he has (there will be plenty of photos / videos shared by the others going) then I will leave him.

Secondly if he goes in a strip club I will leave him because (I know some of you may disagree but this is where MY line is) as far as I'm concerned it's as good as cheating if he's going to get enjoyment from watching naked women that aren't his wife and he has said he doesn't want to but...

I want him to have some balls and tell them he's going for a kebab or something if they want to go in a strip club but he is somewhat likely to bend under peer pressure, especially if he's drinking.

AIBU with my two demands?

This stag has been planned for 18 months and I am starting to feel like this so called 'celebration' of someone else getting married could be the end of my own marriage.

No your absolutely right - I'll stop 'nagging' and let him go and get rat arsed on this stag, I'll let him lose his sobriety, his wife and child and potentially his job once things spiral downwards...
I am not controlling at all, I'm pretty chilled out about a lot of stuff but I am trying to help him realise he is heading down a dark and skippy path with his drinking.

I've got all the advice I need and will leave the bickering to everyone else.

Thank-you to the people who wrote helpful and thought provoking posts.

But, unless you're missing out some detail, he's done nothing thus far to indicate that he is going to spiral.

I understand why you are worried, but I think you might be getting ahead of yourself.

The thing is, for your own sanity, you can't micro manage a grown man, for the next 50 years.

As hard as it is, I think you need to stop worrying until anything actually happens.

He waits in another pub for the others; simple

@Kalalaka that's what you think! 😂

You mean thank you to all the people who agreed that you should tell him what he can and cannot do and expect him to do as he is told...who are all as unrealistic as you are because he will simply lie about it and you’ll have no way of proving otherwise. It’s far better for you to accept this stag do for what it is and make your peace with it than try to control him uselessly from afar.

The fact that you view someone rightly pointing out the obvious flaw in your plan as ‘shit stirring’ says more about you than it does me.
I’ll leave you to it then. Good luck with it.

I'll stop 'nagging' and let him go and get rat arsed on this stag, I'll let him lose his sobriety, his wife and child and potentially his job once things spiral downwards...
I am not controlling at all, You can't let him do any of these things, he is his own person and doesn't need you to let him. If you were worried about a diagnosis of alcoholism, the time to broach that was when he started drinking socially again.

The recent occasions of him getting drunk and breaking promises to you and your DC) have all been with this group of friends and specifically the stag. So if he goes on the weekend, he will definitely drink to excess. He will most probably also go to the strip club if everyone else is going and he's had a few drinks.

To be honest I'd be more concerned about the three drunken nights out than the stag weekend. A stag weekend can be written off as a one-off but the nights out are a worrying pattern of behaviour. What has he said about those? Each time does he say he won't do it again - and then does - or does he say he wasn't really that bad? What has he said about the broken promises? Given that he already broke those promises, I think you know he will break any promise he gives you about the stag weekend.

How did you react to the three nights and the broken promises? Does he think you let him get away with that so this - which, after all, is more of a special occasion - should be no problem?

Like everyone else has said, don't give an ultimatum unless you are prepared to carry through on it - and I think you are going to have to. Sounds like he is past the point of caring. Good luck, OP.

Pictish & Husky - your not being helpful at all... I'm wondering if your trying to shit stir
I agree
What? Because we don't agree with you? Can you see how controlling that is?
It's nothing to do with disagreeing and everything to do with the fact you're being utterly unhelpful and calling thr OP controlling for daring to suggest that there are issues surrounding a recovering alcoholic going on a boozy event.

You mean thank you to all the people who agreed that you should tell him what he can and cannot do and expect him to do as he is told..
Except many of us have said she would be unreasonable to tell him to go and not have a single drink.
We've just not been dickheads about it.

People have also said they can see entirely why she'd want to raise concerns and talk to him about it.
It is entirely reasonable to discuss her feelings about strip clubs.

The OP is thanking people who have offered a range of persepctives in a constructive manner.

Honestly based on his past behaviour, not consuming alcohol beyond maybe two drinks at a social occasion would be a hard boundary for me. Sure he can do what he likes, but for me if he went beyond that I'd be done. His past actions show he can't drink responsibly and can't respect you while drunk. If this was my OH and he was planning to go on a stag after everything he'd put us through with his drinking I'd be done.

Imagine a thread where a man posts saying his wife at the start of their relationship used to cheat on him with male gigolos, spend hours and hundreds at Chippendale shows, she got a handle on it and stopped cheating for a few years but was now planning to go to a Chippendale show again which is where a lot of her past cheating happened.

Everyone would rightly be saying have some boundaries and don't be afraid to enforce them.

He's a married man and father, he can't or won't drink like an adult so he has lost his right to be able to go on a stag do. It'd put me off massively that he was even considering it tbh. The fact he even wants to after what he's put you through in the past? Fuck that.

He does not sound like a alcoholic. He got shit faced a few to many times when he was young and then quit, who hasn't. An alcoholic does not just quit drinking overnight without medical help or rehab. Ten years later he drinks on special occasions. Alcoholics who fall off the wagon do so completely, they do not just start drinking occasionally.

Either you ban him from going on the stag do or let him go, YABU to micro manage his life as if he is a child. If you feel you have to ban him then you are probably pushing him to drink and its all doomed to failure anyway.

You cant punish him for something he hasn't done. If he ends up being an alcoholic then leave him, that is all you can do. But until you make your mind up stop making babies with him.

ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick
No your absolutely right - I'll stop 'nagging' and let him go and get rat arsed on this stag, I'll let him lose his sobriety, his wife and child and potentially his job once things spiral downwards...

That's the problem though. You can't be the one to 'let' him make his choices. You can't control that for him. He has to decide for himself.
I get that it's shit for you, but you can't micromanage him to this level.

Its incredibly unhealthy for both of you AND your child as they will grow up thinking that's how relationships work. One partner 'tells' the other how to behave.

He's a married man and father, he can't or won't drink like an adult so he has lost his right to be able to go on a stag do

Lost his right? He got married, he didn't go to Prison!

Op, my DH lost a couple of jobs through drinking. Then he lost me as I kicked him out and we were separated for near two years, didn't even speak to him or see him. Beforehand I desperately tried everything to 'help' him which as much as I did want to, in my heart of hearts, I was trying to help myself as I didn't want to lose the man I loved. I tried limiting the amount he drank. Took control of all finances so he couldn't sneak off and buy any. It WAS controlling behaviour but it came from a good place, not a malicious place. Nothing worked so I tried the only thing left to try and that was kicking him out. That didn't work either.

During the two years we were apart, his mother died from alcohol. His father (also alcoholic) and himself lost their home and slept rough. I think at one point my DH was begging for change,

When we did get back together, I simply told him I would not let him stay if he drank and what he did about his drinking was his own problem. He took himself to the AA. Youngest there at 32. Took himself to the doctors and got himself on Antabuse. Left his job that was alcohol based and is now at home with the kids whilst I work full time.

He says himself he cannot drink again. No even one.

He has done amazing and I'm very proud however not a day goes by where I don't fear a relapse and I doubt that will ever go away.

The point of this is that you honestly cannot help him. You just can't. He will go and he will drink, because he has an excuse to. As people have shown on this thread, getting smashed at a stag party is normal isn't it?

I then wouldn't be surprised it when he gets back, he begins to drink just a little more. I've seen it too many times in various different ways.

You need to think about you and your child. Can you actually live with the worry that he may relapse one day? Can you accept that you cannot help him, that it has to be all him? Are you actually able to go through with your ultimatum when this time round, he may not choose you?

You can't be the one to 'let' him make his choices. You can't control that for him. He has to decide for himself
I get that it's shit for you, but you can't micromanage him to this level

^ this. You are not his controller.

Right was a bad word to use Huskylover1... what I mean is it seems it was agreed as a couple he wouldn't drink like that anymore as it caused so many issues. So he gave up the 'right' (freedom? Whatever) to do that for the relationship.

small amounts of drink crept back in and the OP tolerated it, then it got worse and increased again.

I wouldn't have a problem at all with my OH going on a stag and getting hammered. But if he'd had a history like this guy I would. 'Right' is a bad term as it's more of a legal/moral concept. But we all abstain from doing certain things we might otherwise want to as the price of admission for being in our relationship.

He loves a good book and having a kebab and is a keen runner so he has things he can do, he doesn't have to be sat in the room sad and alone
He is also able to get his own room if he feels it is unmanageable
He is capable of staying sober and not letting his arsehole mates influence him if he wants to.. it is up to him if he wants to

one one hand, then

He managed with just one drink for special occasions for a couple of years but it's been a downward road into more than one and eventually getting drunk and breaking promises

in your next post.
It can't be both.
Absolutely lots of people can go to a stag weekend without going to a strip show nor getting drunk, but you keep telling us different things about your dh.
Where he is in his journey right now, it doesn't sound as if this is a sensible place / atmosphere / company to be spending 3 nights.

I have no idea if you can "let him" go or not. All you can do is calmly point out the facts, and let him know the consequences of crossing the line. Alcoholism is an illness. He can avoid the trigger on this occasion - but he needs to make that decision. If he decides to go, then you need to be sure what you are going to do / not make empty threats as others have said.

I think your marriage is in serious trouble if you need to dictate this to him tbh

@kubex yes. I trust him not to go to stripclubs as he knows my feelings/reasons. I trust him in general. He's not the only one who refuses to go, there's often a few of them.

I’m completely with husky on this and think people screaming ‘alcoholic’, ‘addiction’ are way, way off the mark. He sounds like he abused alcohol in the past, not that he was an alcoholic.

His pattern of drinking now is that he occasionally has one drink on special occasions and has been for a night out with his friends roughly once every two months and doesn’t drink in between. That is not the drinking pattern of an alcoholic. In fact it is the drinking pattern of a pretty responsible and abstentious drinker.

The OP has every right to say that the strip club is her red line. But given that he’s managed to drink responsibly on quite a few occasions banning him from drinking seems a step too far.

I think the idea of agreeing he will get a kebab and go back to the hotel should a strip club come up is a good one.

But banning drink altogether seems unfair when he has shown he can drink unproblematically.

He's accepted the invitation,booked and paid for it and he will get hammered. From what you've said,he is on the slippery slope and he is very,very thirsty.

If he really had changed, wouldn't he have declined and said that's not for me anymore? Everyone who has said you can't control him is right, he's choosing a huge boozy trip. I'd be willing to bet he will be the drunkest,keenest drinker on the trip because in his mind he will be getting a lifetimes drinking into a weekend.

You will send yourself utterly insane trying to control his drinking. He alone is responsible for his actions. What you can control is what happens in your home, and what your expectations of him are.

If he goes on this stag do, you expect him to remember he has a wife who is worried sick about his actions if he gets drunk. If he chooses to go and behaves like an utter twat, then you know where you are on his list of responsibilities. And you seriously need to rethink another baby. But you have to stop trying to control this. He is a grown man who is perfectly aware of what a consequence is.

@JaneEyre70 completely agree

I'm stunned at how many people don't get the OP.

You have my sympathy, OP. You have a good man, whose only defect is alcoholism that he has managed to control for a good few years, but now all that is being threatened. Not just your marriage but also his quality of life.

I think you should maybe go to Al Anon for some support. One of my best friends is a recovering alcoholic and I would be devastated if she went down that road again.

Oh OP, what a horrible situation. Perhaps you could have a discussion with DH about how hw will deal with certain situations that could arise on the stag. E.G. How will you feel if everyone is drinking shots and are pressuring you to join in? Let him work through some coping strategies - including what would happen if he is invited to a strip club.

Given his recent increase I would be more likely to put a condition on any drunkenness at the stag of him acknowledging his issues and getting help rather than you leaving (although that would be a possible next step if he didn't follow through).

You have my sympathy, OP. You have a good man, whose only defect is alcoholism that he has managed to control for a good few years, but now all that is being threatened. Not just your marriage but also his quality of life.

That's a tidy summary, I think.

Really don't understand the snark towards OP either.