To tell him he is not to drink on the stag...

[ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick]

Have NC as it's going to be outing and this is long as there is a big back story so bare with me!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 7, have a 3 year old together and currently trying for 2nd.

He has had a problem with alcohol. When we first got together we were young - 21 and 22 and he was drinking a lot, it got so bad that he was drinking a full big bottle of rum a night. He was sick and choked in his sleep, he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things.
It came to a head when he lost a job because he turned up drunk... (this was when we had been together for about a year)

I gave him an ultimatum and said you quit drinking or I leave you.

He quit drinking for 4 years, had not touched a drop and became a really lovely husband and father.

Then the odd pint or glass of wine started to sneak in on special occasions. I said at the time that I did not want it to get as bad as it was & it was to stick to special occasions.

Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out.

In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out with his friend who is getting married in a few months time. I was beyond stressed on these nights and I have anxiety anyway as it is.

This friend is having a 3 night / 4 day stag in a couple of months with about 15 of them going and sharing 2 rooms between the lot of them.
There is someone going who is the biggest prick in the world (huge backstory to that - a whole other thread!) and I seriously would not put it past him to encourage DH to cheat / spike DH drinks!

They are already talking about pranks and strip clubs.

I have told DH two things...

Firstly he is not to drink at all and if I find out that he has (there will be plenty of photos / videos shared by the others going) then I will leave him.

Secondly if he goes in a strip club I will leave him because (I know some of you may disagree but this is where MY line is) as far as I'm concerned it's as good as cheating if he's going to get enjoyment from watching naked women that aren't his wife and he has said he doesn't want to but...

I want him to have some balls and tell them he's going for a kebab or something if they want to go in a strip club but he is somewhat likely to bend under peer pressure, especially if he's drinking.

AIBU with my two demands?

This stag has been planned for 18 months and I am starting to feel like this so called 'celebration' of someone else getting married could be the end of my own marriage.

The problem is that it’s all already being threatened by the erosion of the no alcohol rule. And the just one or two or three drinking sessions getting blocked and just one or two here and there. The op already gave an ultimatum and didn’t follow through.

Op. The 3 cs of addiction.

You didn’t cause this.

You can’t control this.

You can’t cure this.

I get you OP having concerns and wanting to prevent his drinking increasing doesnt make you a controlling person. He is going, you have asked him not to and he still is. He will drink, he will likely not be able to stop at one or two and may end up in a strip club. He may go for a kebab.

How has he reacted when you have discussed your concerns and the reasons for it? I can see how it has been increasing over the last few months and I can see why this would make you anxious if he breaks promises. You either accept this weekend or you don’t but you can’t put conditions on it. He has to take the consequences himself.

You need to be careful of ultimatums though unless you are fully prepared to follow through. Not talking about it would be a red flag for me. But I do understand how you feel the ground shifting and feel threatened.

You can't control his drinking. Or anything he does.

Let him do what comes naturally to him and just watch and learn.

It sounds very much like you've decided who he ought to be - the person he needs to be in order to make you feel less anxious - but the sad truth is, he isn't necessarily that person.

Part of being an adult is learning that other adults are in charge of themselves. You're not in charge of him. You can't make him be the person you'd prefer him to be.

You can fight and argue against that truth as much as you want, but it doesn't make you right, sorry.

The anger, resentment and frustration you may feel at that statement is a reflection of the fact that it's true.

I encourage you to access an Al-Anon meeting, as well as GP help for your anxiety. Your DH's behavior is not the thing that needs to change in order to make you feel better... YOU are responsible to get your anxiety under control, through YOUR actions alone.

The stag do isn't the issue here. Let it go. Let him do what he wants, and watch and learn about the kind of person he is when you aren't in control.

I think there is an element of catastrophising happening here. You are joining the dots of him drinking-him going beserk-him going to a strip club-him cheating-him destroying your marriage. When what you need to remember is that the only things we can truly control are our own words and actions. Give him a chance to control his own actions and if he can't and they don't weigh up against your values then choose YOUR words and YOUR actions.

OP is right to raise her concerns and share her views as a party in the marriage. They need to he on the same page re strip clubs.

She can't ban him going
She can't tell him he cannot drink.
She should share her views on strip clubs.
She would be unwise to issue an ultimatum as I fear she wouldn't go through with it.

But she is more than reasonable to advise on drinking in moderation, explaining that alcohol will not be a convenient excuse for any actions on the stag do and that if he screws up then there will be red flags flying.

It'll be easier for you to leave him tbh because those demands are not practical

I see what some people are saying about being 'controlling'. No, OP can't dictate to her DH what he can and cannot do. BUT she can (and should) tell him what the consequences of his choices are as far as what she will do if he starts drinking again. I think she's handled this 'clumsily' in the words she's used, but I think what she's trying to tell him is 'if you drink, I will leave'. She has just as much right to decide that for herself as her DH has to decide to drink for himself.

Alcoholism is a bitch. I'd no more live with an un-sober alcoholic than I would a rabid badger.

you can’t command him not to drink. That’s not how alcoholism works

Has he been one to go to strip clubs before OP?

I don’t think him getting pissed means he will deffo be going into one. I have picked Dp up from a few stags where they went into a strip club and he didn’t want to. Normally have a car of about 3 of them who end up coming back to ours and have a few beers then pass out on the sofa. Not all men go into strip clubs, regardless of how pissed they are! If this has been an issue in the past then I understand.

Jesus. He's been sober for at least four years. He was stupid when young, he was friggen twenty, he's been drunk three times in six months and people are saying he's an alcholic.

God and you're going to leave him if he does what all the other guys say.

Honestly, I'd wave you goodbye. How fucking controlling to tell him what he can and cannot do and to then threaten him.

I hope he kicks you out. I would.

Bluntness - wow. Heartless much! Have you read the thread?

bluntness prides herself, on well, ;her bluntness

But @Bluntness100 is right at least in so far as you can't control anyone else. You can try, but ultimately it will never work. Or it will worm but with stress and unhappiness.

What it's ok for her to tell him he has to stay sober on a stag do and tell him she will leave him if he does drink, even though he's clearly demonstrated over the last few years he has no issue with alcohol and his trip will be shit sitting their sober watching the rest of his mates.

But if I say he should say the same back and tell her to go, then I'm the heartless one,,

Right. That makes sense.

Oh and if my husband told me I couldn't drink on a hen night, because of some heavy drinking years ago when I was twenty, or he'd leave me, I'd indeed back his bag and show him the door.

You all want to put up with that control as an adult, go for it. But not for me. I'm all grown up and my husband does not tell me what I can and cannot do.

It would be entirely reasonable to express concerns about drinking excessively given his actions whilst drunk previously.

I've been drunk, but I've never taken a knife to the throat.

It's also perfectly reasonable to express her line on strip clubs.

I don't think she can reasonably tell him he can't go or can't drink at all but she can express the need for him to act like a responsible adult and not do what a number of us think is likely (drink too much and use that as an excuse for going to a strip club).

Neither has the dh MaisyPops

"he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things."

I think the salient point is the op gave him an ultimatum all those years ago to quit drink or she'd leave. He quit, then began to have the odd drink and op then changed from leaving, as her earlier ultimatum, to ok, but don't let it get as bad as before and only special occasions. And that's the problem, she has decided to police his drinking instead of walking away.

I couldn't remember the exact story. Ok knife to wrist. Still hardly a responsibke action.
It's not something your average drunk person does.

I'm no believer in ultimatums unless you can follow through on them. My concern is that this DH knows he can do what he likes and the OP will still TTC a child with him. She can reasonably raise her concerns but unless she acts on them then he will thi k he has a free pass to do whatever.

I can envisage a thread in 6 months time where the OP is still with him but pregnant but DH has started going out more and more, leaving her at home. He is lovely at heart but how do i make him see i need him at home, not drinking with his mates.

He probably shouldn't have chosen to go on the stag do at all, but well, that's neither here nor there.

I do agree with you MaisyPops, a pregnancy in this situation is a bad idea. But is the dh an alcoholic? It could have been some kind of out of control period in his life, a cry for help, for all we know. The op hasn't given much detail, but to hold a knife to his own wrist isn't balanced behaviour as you say. So if that period has been dealt with, who knows, maybe the DH is perfectly fine to drink socially and not lose control of his life. Neither here nor there of course but the op said give up drink or lose me then was fine with the occasional social drink and now is not. Rather all over the place.

A drunken knife to the wrist when he was younger is not typical alcoholic behaviour, it is symptomatic of a young person using alcohol to cope with the pain of a greater trauma.

Which means he is NOT an alcoholic.

Cmon, the guy was 21 and it was nine years ago. He is clearly not alcoholic and has demonstrated he can drink responsibly.

Can you imagine you're a pisshead at that age. Do stupid shit as we all did and that's it, you can never drink again as long as you live. The guys now thirty years old and going on a long awaited stag night and he's being told if he drinks she will leave him.

Just so controlling it's unbelievable. It was nine years ago and he was still a stupid kid. As many of us were. It's so long to hold a grudge or control someone over. Nine years. I'd be over and out.

Update OP have you had a chat with your DH?

How can the OP be controlling if her husband is a grown man making his own decisions? If he did comply with her ultimatum, it would still be his choice.

She can demand whatever she likes. She’s not ‘hard work’ or ‘controlling’ or whatever the ultimate insult to women seems to be on MN.

Poor OP’s husband, so under the thumb... Some of you have incredibly low standards for men. If his mates can’t ‘force’ him to behave a certain way, then neither can his wife.

She's controlling because she's not allowing him to make his own decisions.

And seriously, one mistake and he's out the door? That's not love.