To think legally she can’t do this?

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

My DD has SEN, she’s a summer birthday in reception and behind on top of that so things are often quite a struggle for her.

Her school have sent out a letter saying ‘come and have a mother’s day lunch with your children on X day, bring a packed lunch and sit with them. If you can’t make it, please send along a female relative in your place’

I’m in hospital, I had major surgery yesterday and won’t be able to join her on Monday. I emailed to ask if my husband can come instead, as my DD is already quite anxious about me not being at home as it is.

They said no, because he’s not female.

Surely that’s not allowed? What if we were a two dad family, or a widower?

AIBU?

I think that this is unacceptable. I would email the teacher and cc the headmistress on. Explaining that there is no other female from your family available and that you are bedridden. Then I would politely but firmly suggest that, if they don’t allow your husband to accompany your DD, to provide some other female staff, such as class assistant, someone from the office or kitchen, other teacher or even the headmistress (unless it’s a headmaster!:) to be a ‘pretend’ mummy.
If usually more difficult if in writing

Where are you meant to russle up a female relative if you can’t attend? I work full time as do my DSis and DSil. Neither grandmothers are local.

I would kick up a major fuss about this as it means many children will be excluded - what will does do without the female relative present?

Honestly I think I'd just keep her off for the day if you think it will really affect her. there will be others there without a relative though so maybe they will have their picnic together?

I'm normally a lurker but had to respond to your comment, i am a muslim womam and it would not make a difference if a male member of the family attended, its all about the child not what other mothers think.

How awful. I can't believe in 2018, with all the UKs diversity, this has even been proposed by a school, let alone actually planned, arranged and going ahead.

I too work and have no other female relatives or friends that could attend in my place because they work too. I'd be heartbroken that a group of children had to sit and watch their peers 'celebrating' with their mums while they didn't (although to be honest, sitting and having a packed lunch in class sounds crap).

Thoughtless insensitive discriminatory activity with very outdated ideations.

If this is a Mother's Day thing it is disgraceful. The whole thing should be boycotted. There are children even with no SENs who will have no mother or close female to attend. Even making cards is insensitive if made out to Mothers/Fathers. Special person to me would suffice and that should go for this meal debacle.

I think the suggestion of FaceTime is cracking. Or if dad can take the morning off have him bring DD to you and have a nice tea in your hospital room. Try not to focus on it being unfair. Try to find a solution for your daughter.

Who cares if it is outing op? Apart from a couple of major twat puffins/trolls it's unanimous that this is shockingly insensitive and inappropriate. Hopefully the school WILL see this thread and realise they are being awful.

I’d respond by saying as the school is being so thoughtful in enabling children to spend time with their Mothers on Mothers’ Day, and that as you’re recovering from major surgery and school has acknowledged your DH can’t attend, it’s wonderful that they will be supporting you allowing DD to be with you at home to share in this special time.

And then just keep her home. I’d shes anxious already and this worries her, don’t make her endure it.

Good luck OP and swift recovery to you xxx

Edit - I don’t mean ‘on’ Mothers Day do I - that would be a Sunday....(hopefully checks diary and makes note to get something sorted). I mean to spend time with their Mothers in celebration of mother’s Day. That should cover it....

I also think your DD should have the day off school and that your DH should take her to visit you and then do something special with her.

I'd probably in reality get DH to call the school absence line in the morning to say that DD is off school for "family reasons". If pressed later he could explain that DD wanted to see her mum for the mothers day event and was too emotionally upset to attend school.

Schools should really know by now to stay well away from Mothers and Fathers days. It is insensitive to so many children for different reasons and just rubs their noses in their difference.
My sons' father died when they were 4 and 9. We really just try and pretend Father's day isn't happening. Because of the circumstances of his death, we are not in a place where we can think happy memories and celebrate his life sentimentally. Our grief is still raw and livid and angry. We try and stoically ignore Fathers Day.
My son ends up making a card at school because he doesn't want to be the one who gets singled out for not having a dad. He gives it to his older brother. I usually sob my eyes out privately.
Schools, please have a bit of sensitivity and stop marching over everyone's pain.

Where are you meant to russle up a female relative if you can’t attend? I work full time as do my DSis and DSil. Neither grandmothers are local.
Many schools still assume mums and other females are home all day in my experience (and most of the staff doing the assuming are female, and obviously work, in a school..).
My DDs teacher rang me and got very angry once because I couldn't come into school to discuss something immediately - I was in a meeting with an important customer 70 miles away, and even if I'd come straight back she'd still have not been appeased. It was about a very minor incident, no one hurt, but she made it very clear that she was appalled that I did anything but sit at home waiting to pick up my DC each day.
I wonder if a teacher made that decision OP without much thought? Maybe write to the head, saying that you understand what they mean, but that its likely to cause your DD distress under the circumstances, and asking them to either reconsider, or explain what they will be doing to ensure your DD is not upset by your and your DHs absence from this event.

I’d like to see my school try this nonsense. (Even tho 100 percent sure they wouldn’t as ours is a fantastic school). It’s unacceptable. My kids mother passed away a few years back. How would this work for families like ours ? Very poorly thought out. Imbecilic planning and insensitive at best

As a teacher I find this disgraceful. Will they be offering a dads day for Father's Day? Would be intresting to see the reaction. Blatant sexism.

I’ve just read more of the replies... I’m so sorry for you “mothers” that have replied negatively to the Op with remarks which imply op should suck it up etc.
It disgusts me that people lack empathy.
My DD is 7 and SEN . Mother deceased. No female relatives really available in the day either. I know this situation would really cause my DD upset .
OP I’m afraid after looking at HT response I would withdraw your child from this school, sounds drastic but if they can’t see the upset this will cause on such an important activity then my mind would wonder and ask what other activities are they doing that are class based where they are not taking children’s SEN into consideration?

My sons school did something similar , a series of events promoted for Dads as a way of getting them to engage more with the school. I’m a sole parent and went straight to the head (fuming!) They changed it so it was open to men generally instead but really thought I was being over the top. I’m still annoyed that they don’t understand the need to be inclusive and how upsetting it can be for sensitive kids (and adults who try their absolute best to carry out both parenting roles).

By the way, I hope your daughter has a lovely lunch with your husband either at school or at home and you recover soon 💐

I am SO pissed off!

I just got this reply...

Thank you for your email.
I am sorry that you are unable to attend on this occasion, but my decision stands in fairness to all our families.
Kind regards

I’ve replied with this...

Hello XXX,

I have taken advice on this and will be sending my husband in to either have lunch with XXXXX, or sadly bring her home for lunch. I think this is very shortsighted and I will be taking this to the governors if you cannot see that.

You cannot exclude a whole gender, what makes someone’s aunt or female cousin more of a mother to them than their father?

I hope you allow him to come,

Kind regards,

I am so angry. Who do I complain to??

Ask for a copy of their formal complaints policy.
And follow it to the letter.

You need to take emotion out of it - hard, I know, sympathies - and follow the complaints procedure to the letter as PP says.

In your complaint, I would try to focus not on gender itself (although of course this is the main issue) but on how your already vulnerable/sensitive SN DC, at a particularly vulnerable time in their life when Mum is already absent day-to-day has been put into a situation guaranteed to further upset them, which could have been easily avoided by making the event focused on “families” not “women”. And point out that this would be likely to arise in a variety of different ways for different children - families who have lost a mother, families with no female relatives etc.

And I'd focus on the emotional needs of your child. I'd argue that the school is causing her further unnecessary upset at a hugely difficult time for her.

Madness. Follow this through.