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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think legally she can’t do this?

272 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 02/03/2018 12:49

My DD has SEN, she’s a summer birthday in reception and behind on top of that so things are often quite a struggle for her.

Her school have sent out a letter saying ‘come and have a mother’s day lunch with your children on X day, bring a packed lunch and sit with them. If you can’t make it, please send along a female relative in your place’

I’m in hospital, I had major surgery yesterday and won’t be able to join her on Monday. I emailed to ask if my husband can come instead, as my DD is already quite anxious about me not being at home as it is.

They said no, because he’s not female.

Surely that’s not allowed? What if we were a two dad family, or a widower?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 02/03/2018 13:06

I can't see any harm in this. If it's a Mother's day celebration then it should be female relatives only.

ClaudineDewittBukater · 02/03/2018 13:06

This reply has been deleted

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TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 02/03/2018 13:07

There surely must be a fair few working mums who won't be able to get a day off to go either. Love the idea that every family has a handy female relative who lives near enough to go in their stead!

^This, exactly. Sounds like a lovely idea, until you actually think about the practicalities.

Topseyt · 02/03/2018 13:07

That is ridiculous. Don't ask them whether DH can come instead of you. Tell them that he will be. Tell them why. Remind them that DD has two parents, and as you are not available due to medical issues then he, as her Dad, will be there instead.

Don't leave the way open for them to question it.

LeaderoftheAteam · 02/03/2018 13:08

Our school is good with things like this and would suggest it was more important that the each child had someone there so whilst it would be nice if it was Mum, any family member would do if Mum couldn’t attend!

BiscuitCrumbs44 · 02/03/2018 13:08

Tell the school that the only way a female can be present is if DD comes to you for lunch.

Then get DH to bring DD and a picnic to hospital.

If the school complain, say it was the only way you could fir with their 'rules'.

Alternatively, put DH in a flowery top!

tumblrpigeon · 02/03/2018 13:08

Her dad should just go. They’re not going to turf him out.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 02/03/2018 13:09

This is a small state Primary in Surrey... I’m really annoyed about it. I juggle work like crazy to make sure she isn’t put into situations she can’t process. And it’s not like we can opt out, she will just be sitting alone. It might be the morphine talking but it makes me want to cry.

OP posts:
CapnHaddock · 02/03/2018 13:09

Of course it's legally allowed. The fact it's insensitive, particularly under the circumstances, is a different matter. I'd take her out of school

Hope you feel better soon.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/03/2018 13:09

It's insensitive.

Btw, it's naive to think two dads 'wouldn't mind' and would be both able to go if it was father's day. Friends of ours had this exact issue with mother's day (they're a lesbian couple), that nothing was geared up for both of them so they're constantly expected to choose which parent gets to be mum that year.

In any case, it would still be shitty for a child who's lost her mum, surely.

YearOfYouRemember · 02/03/2018 13:10

Is there a friend who could go in your place? I was brought up in foster care and never had anyone come for anything so I'd be doing all I could to have someone there in my place, though I was lucky I was able to go to everything.

soapboxqueen · 02/03/2018 13:10

You can discrimiate on the basis of sex (which is what they are doing here) if you have a legitimate aim. By saying any female relative, it isn't about mother's day really and I'm not sure what the aim is after that so I'm not sure it is legal. Though doubt they would be challenged on it either. Oddly enough I think they could if it was a daddy/male relative thing as they could claim men do not take part as much so they have an 'aim'.
.
With regards to your daughter, as pp have suggested, her SEND could mean that she should be afforded reasonable adjustments even if that means she is treated more favourably. I think this would be your better bet in challenging the rule with the school.
.

Or her dad can ID as female. The devil in me would prefer this option 😁

TheFirstMrsDV · 02/03/2018 13:10

I have seen five kids into primary school and I have never heard of a Mother's day lunch.
There will be loads of mums who can't attend, don't want to, are too off their faces to get up by lunch time, won't understand the letter home, who are working, have younger siblings to look after or who are no longer living with their children or sadly have died.

Bloody stupid idea.

overskyandshire · 02/03/2018 13:11

Christ, that’s awful Hmm

TheFirstMrsDV · 02/03/2018 13:12

Besides that list there will be a fair few children to whom mother's day is tricky because they are adopted. A reception child may only have been with their adoptive family for a few months.
Having had to leave their birth mum and at least one foster mum.

Whats wrong with making a card?

overskyandshire · 02/03/2018 13:13

One of the worst things about losing your mum young is the sense of having missed out on stuff.

How horrible of the school Sad

Sparrowrain · 02/03/2018 13:16

Sounds like an off the cuff comment from someone who hasn't thought this through. Go to the head, I'm sure they will allow your dh to take your place. The child should come first.

JaneyEJones · 02/03/2018 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorthernKnickers · 02/03/2018 13:19

Don't worry about it...there will be other children whose mums won't be there (work etc). Just explain to your daughter (in as gentle a way as you can) that unfortunately mummy can't be there but you'll have your own Mother's Day lunch together on actual Mother's Day! (Stupid idea of the school BTW...very insensitive! 💐 )

LikeTheShoes · 02/03/2018 13:20

Could your DH go with his phone and face time/Skype you in hospital? Then he's just facilitating?
Someone at the school will have just not thought it through but it is very insensitive.

Snowballz · 02/03/2018 13:23

We are a 2 mum family. This kind of thing has no place in schools as family make ups are not all standard these days. I don't btw especially begrudge 'dad' invite only activities as I can see people are just trying to involve dad's. This kind of mum only thing is awkward for us too as no other kid in our child's year has 2 mum's as far as we are aware so what happens if we both turn up. This embarrasses our child just as much. No kid wants to stick out. My working friends also feel guilty (you can't pop by if your job is a teacher!). Recently we had a grandparents day and I know it was soon after 2 kids in that class lost grandparents. There are other ways to involve families in schools. This is not the way!
Schools please rethink this stuff. Good intentions but so off the mark.
(We also have an SEN child and zero concessions are made either so I hear you!)

sallyandherarmy · 02/03/2018 13:23

Oh this is really easy.

Just tell the school that your DH will self ID as a woman, just for the day.

Tell them that if they don't accept that your DH wants to be a woman, just for a day, that you will contact the media and slate them on social media as well.

And make sure that YOU self ID as a man for Father's Day, just to even the balance.

BikeRunSki · 02/03/2018 13:23

Exremejy insensitive. My dc’s school is not doing anything for Mother’s Day this year, because a family gave recently lost their mum.

cdtaylornats · 02/03/2018 13:25

Perhaps the school - knowing who their pupils are - know there are no male only families.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 02/03/2018 13:26

Are babies / toddlers allowed too? It really seems like a well intentioned but spectacularly ill thought out plan...