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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think legally she can’t do this?

272 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 02/03/2018 12:49

My DD has SEN, she’s a summer birthday in reception and behind on top of that so things are often quite a struggle for her.

Her school have sent out a letter saying ‘come and have a mother’s day lunch with your children on X day, bring a packed lunch and sit with them. If you can’t make it, please send along a female relative in your place’

I’m in hospital, I had major surgery yesterday and won’t be able to join her on Monday. I emailed to ask if my husband can come instead, as my DD is already quite anxious about me not being at home as it is.

They said no, because he’s not female.

Surely that’s not allowed? What if we were a two dad family, or a widower?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nelly1231 · 02/03/2018 22:07

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MaceWindu · 02/03/2018 22:12

Nelly I have no words. What if a male teacher joins the school after your daughter does? What about caretakers, male cleaners, chefs etc?

Nelly1231 · 02/03/2018 22:15

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MaceWindu · 02/03/2018 22:17

So presumably you are talking about an Islamic school?

Ie, most likely completely irrelevant to the OP's situation given the clues given in her posts.

Nelly1231 · 02/03/2018 22:19

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MaceWindu · 02/03/2018 22:21

I'm no longer going to engage with you because I don't want to clog up OP's thread with completely unhelpful posts.

Helpimfalling · 02/03/2018 22:22

As a Muslim women that's a load of Bs mate how ridiculous

EenaMinaMoe · 02/03/2018 22:24

This is horrible of the school and deeply insensitive. Sadly not uncommon - my DBro is gay and he and his DH adopted. I had to go along to some special "mothers" event on their behalf and it made it me really cross. I love my Dniece and Dnephew but I am in no way a parent figure for either of them. But they got told to give me a silly card and present they'd made. For father's day - nothing. Despite them having two dads who love them to bits and are great parents.

I imagine it's worse for bereaved families and for what gain? Who would it actually hurt except straw man imaginary Muslims to have a male parent come along and have a cup of tea?

shedalight · 02/03/2018 22:29

This is nothing to do with female spaces, trans or anything! This is about a school with a crap idea and an inability to appreciate unintended consequences.
Every single school that i have worked in has an understanding of single parent families, bereaved families, blended families, LGB families etc and would never behave in this way. This school is the exception.
Poor OP - a school like this and posters having "a bit of fun" about women only spaces (no, schools aren't) when you're feeling so vulnerable.

OP - what would suit you best? There's no point point in trying to fight a head teacher with this mindset - they have dug themselves in and will be convinced that they are correct - even though they are spectacularly wrong on every count. You need to keep your strength for your daughter and your surgery.

Ginger1982 · 02/03/2018 22:33

Get lost Nelly. What a twat.

Helpimfalling · 02/03/2018 22:34

If a Muslim women was so strict she feels she can't be in a room with men

Which totally isn't a rule it's about intention by the way

But if she couldn't be in the same room then she wouldn't go to a Mother's Day event because celebrating events like this it's not allowed not mother day birthdays Valentine's Day so it's contradicts itself so tell them from me it's a load of pc crap

sleepinggiraffe · 02/03/2018 22:44

That's utterly crap of the school. I have no female relatives myself if I couldn't go who would be able to.

And to send a "female relative" if you're unable in place of a mum is shitty on any child. So their making a deal of "mothers" day and any child who gets a replacement stand in for "mummy" is going to feel cheated, and any child who doesn't have a mum or female relative is going to feel left out and cheated too.

Utterly stupid idea of the school.

I would keep her off or demanding she could leave to have lunch with her father outside of school premises as the only possible compromise

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 03/03/2018 07:08

Sorry, I’ve had some terrible pain and have been out of it for a while.

I think I’m going to send DH in, because he’s happy to do this, and I can’t stand the thought of DD sitting there expecting someone and getting upset. If they then say DH can’t stay, he’ll take her with him and have lunch at home. (We live two minutes away.)

The headteacher hasn’t replied to my latest email.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/03/2018 07:32

I think that’s the most sensible. I doubt if he will be challenged and if he is, he is on site to pick your dd up early. Job done.

Devora13 · 03/03/2018 18:42

I'm just thinking about the emotional implications on various levels. Two Dad family-child is made to feel 'different'. Child in Care-bringing up feelings of loss and grief. Mother deceased-as previous. Mother's day can be acknowledged in the home environment with the understanding and sensitivity required, but being made to feel different in front of peers is really inconsiderate. How about writing to school expressing your thoughts/feelings, then get Dad to take her out of school for a treat while this is going on?

beardies · 03/03/2018 18:52

I have no family within 500 miles of me...I agree poorly thought out by the school

Katherine2626 · 03/03/2018 18:54

That's being unkind to your daughter, and not at all helpful to her parents.

OneTiredMamma · 03/03/2018 19:05

Would they say the same thing to a child who's just lost their Mum? I think you need to contact the school governor's and say "I've just had surgery. Is there any way you can possibly bend the rules and let my other half go" If all else fails, just don't go and have your own Mother's Day picnic at home

Pinkbendyman · 03/03/2018 19:06

Can a grandmother go instead?

I know it's not "rectifying" the (highly unfair) issue, but it would ease your daughter's anxiety.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 03/03/2018 19:07

My mum and my mother in law both work, no one else can go. My DH is free though and would love to go.

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 03/03/2018 19:13

Hope they see sense at the school when DH arrives. Good that he's able to go. Would the school rather have a distressed little girl who doesn't understand why no- one has come to be with her for the special lunch?

reup · 03/03/2018 19:17

Can you ask the headteacher what provision is made for children whose mothers cannot attend or do not have mothers?

I’m so glad my kids school never did this sort of thing as both my kids best friends did not live with their mothers and had limited contact with them. They had very involved grandmothers but it would really highlight the difference between them and the other children

Jaxhog · 03/03/2018 19:20

Your solution to send your DD with DH seems very appropriate Op. The Head has clearly not thought this through at all. It's also pretty short notice for working mums too, btw. Does the school think all the kids have a yummy mummy just sitting around waiting to join in?

Hope you feel better soon.

niccyb · 03/03/2018 19:30

I find that very unfair indeed, what would they do if one of the children was to be without a mother and was being raised by a line father?

JamForBrains · 03/03/2018 19:45

Love the idea but as a working Mum, my kids would miss out. My mum is not near enough to go in my place. My grandparents are no longer with us and my Mum has a brother, my Dad has 2 brothers and I have 3 brothers. So sad they cant make an exception especially as she is only reception 😢