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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think legally she can’t do this?

272 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 02/03/2018 12:49

My DD has SEN, she’s a summer birthday in reception and behind on top of that so things are often quite a struggle for her.

Her school have sent out a letter saying ‘come and have a mother’s day lunch with your children on X day, bring a packed lunch and sit with them. If you can’t make it, please send along a female relative in your place’

I’m in hospital, I had major surgery yesterday and won’t be able to join her on Monday. I emailed to ask if my husband can come instead, as my DD is already quite anxious about me not being at home as it is.

They said no, because he’s not female.

Surely that’s not allowed? What if we were a two dad family, or a widower?

AIBU?

OP posts:
QOD · 05/03/2018 12:33

Fucking hell. What a bitchy head!

londonrach · 05/03/2018 12:35

Madness. My friend was abandoned by her mother aged 9 (story being mum met another man and left her both children with their father overnight and didnt contact them again for 10 years. my friend is still refusing to meet her now aged late 30s) but had amazing father who came to everything. This would just rub more salt in her wounds. Take this further op and hope mr penguin has a nice lunch. Get well soon x

emmyrose2000 · 05/03/2018 12:36

but my decision stands in fairness to all our families

This person isn't fit to lead a school. Does she really think the other families are going to care, or feel it's unfair, that one child has her dad there instead of her mum?

If this was my kids' school, I wouldn't give it a second thought if a child turned up with their dad instead of their mum, other than to think how nice it was that he could step in in the absence of a/the mum that day.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2018 12:38

but my decision stands in fairness to all our families I don't understand this because it's not fair to all families is it?

beanii · 05/03/2018 12:39

It wouldn't be a Mothers Day Lunch if anyone could go??!!

Shadow666 · 05/03/2018 12:39

Last week my daughter's preschool had a crafting event with parents. I was the only mum who couldn't attend due to work. I just had a long chat with DD about it. She was upset but did the craft with her teacher. Its hard because I'm a single mum and I do my best but sometimes it can't be helped.

UpSideDownBrain · 05/03/2018 12:41

If this was my kids' school, I wouldn't give it a second thought if a child turned up with their dad instead of their mum, other than to think how nice it was that he could step in in the absence of a/the mum that day.

^This

TooDamnSarky · 05/03/2018 12:45

FWIW as a working parent I missed 90% of these events when my kids were in primary. But I would be 100% behind the school making occasional exceptions for kids in your DDs circumstances.
Being 'fair' doesn't mean mindlessly applying the same rules to everyone. A kindhearted teacher would always work with families in exceptional circumstances to help minimise the impact in the kids

BitOutOfPractice · 05/03/2018 12:45

But beanii they are saying anyone can go - so long as it's not a man

beanii · 05/03/2018 12:52

So the same would be for Fathers day then - anyone as long as not a woman? Why does everything have to be an issue and offend everyone? Sometimes no one can go to something at school with our 3 but we explain and move on.

TooDamnSarky · 05/03/2018 12:58

The school needs to think about what the aim of the event is. What is their primary goal here?
And then explain how letting a couple of dads into the building would prevent that aim from being achieved.

mikeyssister · 05/03/2018 13:03

Mother's Day was always a day for people to return to their Mother Church. It's only in the more recent times it's become a secular day.

Anyeway, the principal is wrong in so many ways. Hope your DD and DH had a fun lunchtime together.

milliemolliemou · 05/03/2018 13:09

OP take a deep breath and recover. If your DH is taking the day off or whatever to cover this issue then he either goes in with DD or doesn't, and makes it good for her with and any present or card brought back.

If you do write to the governors of your small surrey primary school I would point out any of the following which PPs have already pointed out

  • many mothers work and can't take time off
  • many mothers work and would prefer to save time off for sports day/universal celebrations
  • some like you will not to be able to make it for medical reasons
  • some have younger children whom they can't bring along
  • many families do not have local relatives let alone female ones - and to suggest a local female friend comes along makes a nonsense of Mother's Day
  • some kids just have a father, some may have lost a mother. Some have two fathers or two mothers or whatever.

If the HT's comment is as reported, but my decision stands in fairness to all our families then s/he's clearly shot him/herself in the foot. It's clearly not thought through. It may be a small school with lots of SAHMs - but is the school prepared for them to bring in their other children if they don't have nannies at home? Are they expecting to do the same for Father's Day and if not, why not? what message does that send?

I think most of us like the M/F day cards constructed with love. But why do a picnic lunch in the daytime? To say nothing of the fact it's all a commercial construct runs away and shuts her mouth

HorsesCourses · 05/03/2018 13:09

Schools should just stay out of Mothers and Fathers days. Let families celebrate them in the way that suits them best. Nothing to do with education.
Interested to hear how OPs DH gets on!

UpSideDownBrain · 05/03/2018 13:34

Schools should just stay out of Mothers and Fathers days. Let families celebrate them in the way that suits them best.
Completely agree. Making a card for your mum is always nice, but that's about as far as it should go.

FranticallyPeaceful · 05/03/2018 13:35

I’d honestly keep her off school and let her daddy take her for a picnic lunch somewhere lovely.

The school are arses.

AcademicOwl · 05/03/2018 19:16

What happened?
I'm so fed up of places forgetting that making a reasonable adjustment for a child with SEN is just, well, REASONABLE.
But more than that, this sounds like a silly set up. 💐 Hope you're feeling better OP

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 05/03/2018 19:35

Sorry, I felt knocked for six today and I’ve taken a bit of a recovery step back so have been sleeping a lot.

He went, he had lunch with her, she was happy and he left. I’m sure there’s a shitty email in my future... but mostly, I don’t understand the drama. Nothing happened. No one cared he was there. I’ve stressed about this all through my surgery and it’s really made me anxious, especially today. Why would someone do that, evidently for nothing??

OP posts:
oppsthereshegoes · 06/03/2018 01:49

Glad it had such a good outcome for your dd. Sorry you're feeling bad though, heal up. Thanks

Obi1Kenobi · 06/03/2018 01:52

I wish you a speedy recovery and bottom line your daughter had a lovely time with her Dad so nothing else matters. When and if you get a shitty email move it to the trash folder. Focus on your health. X

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/03/2018 05:43

I’m so happy your dh was able to be with your dh. Schools can be such arses. I posted how awfully dds School treated me/her on another thread. I was in tears and had sleepless nights for weeks just because they didn’t believe/care about her medical condition. Funnily enough things changed the day the ambulance arrived!

I hope you start feeling better soon. Flowers

Phineyj · 10/03/2018 21:25

I'm glad this had a happy ending! But sorry you ended up stressed about something so trivial (in the sense the school could just easily have not caused all this stress).

I couldn't go to DD's mother's day assembly (work, teacher) and couldn't find anyone else to go (DH working; nearby friend was working; DM, not well). I felt a bit bad but I did say to school they could consider holding these events first thing in the morning as many people can go into work a bit late but having to leave at lunchtime is much more conspicuous.

I don't know if it ever occurs to schools the conflict they are setting up between parents wanting to support their children and the school and not wanting to get the sack or short of that, not wanting to look mumsy and like you are asking for time off/cover for trivial things (as to be fair, most people without DC would think a mother's day assembly was a trivial thing). You'd think teachers would get it as they presumably have to miss all these events for their own DC! Primary schools are strange, even nice ones.

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