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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think legally she can’t do this?

272 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 02/03/2018 12:49

My DD has SEN, she’s a summer birthday in reception and behind on top of that so things are often quite a struggle for her.

Her school have sent out a letter saying ‘come and have a mother’s day lunch with your children on X day, bring a packed lunch and sit with them. If you can’t make it, please send along a female relative in your place’

I’m in hospital, I had major surgery yesterday and won’t be able to join her on Monday. I emailed to ask if my husband can come instead, as my DD is already quite anxious about me not being at home as it is.

They said no, because he’s not female.

Surely that’s not allowed? What if we were a two dad family, or a widower?

AIBU?

OP posts:
SockMobster · 02/03/2018 17:33

Why doesn't she just go with an auntie or a female family friend. Its mothers day and men cant be a mother.

Because it's likely that her father is much more comforting to her in times of anxiousness than an auntie or female family friend.

Blackteadrinker77 · 02/03/2018 17:36

I hate the thought of this.

Children who may well already feel different and isolated are going to feel even more so.
How many threads do we get on MN where nuclear families have no support around them? What are they meant to do if they are working? Or families with two male parents, their children are just expected to sit alone whilst all the other children play happy Mothers day.

How awful of the school to do this. I'd be fuming, I would want this outed.

Steeley113 · 02/03/2018 17:40

I hate this sort of thing. My school always makes a huge song and dance about Mother’s Day (this year there’s a gift exchange day and Mother’s Day afternoon tea) but does absolutely nothing for Father’s Day. He didn’t even bring Home a card last year whereas I got flowers, chocolate, homemade candle holder and card for Mother’s Day Hmm

ilovekitkats · 02/03/2018 17:44

I can see their point, that it is Mothers Day, BUT.... DD came home one day from school recently saying - Mum , "did you know that "Sally" is adopted. Sally has two daddies".

So if Sally was at this particular school, what would happen for her on Mothers Day? Sally has no Mum so does Sally have to take an auntie or cousin, or next door neighbour?

OP, your DH needs to turn up in a dress and say that he identifies as a woman and that he wants to be called Margaret from now on.

Turquoise123 · 02/03/2018 17:45

WHY do schools do this sort of thing - it's just a misery for so many people in so many ways.

But you are not here to sort out school events - what's best for your child ? Is there a female in your lives who could step in ? Is there a friend's mother who could share ?

lalalalyra · 02/03/2018 17:53

Its mothers day and men cant be a mother.

But some men play the role of Mum and Dad to a child, just as some women do.

I can't believe this shit still happens. My girls are 14 and had an issue with the father's day dinner when their teacher said I couldn't go. The HT only relented when DD1 and another child in their class pointed out that I, and the other Mum, did all the "Dad" things too. Ever since then any event has been a bring "someone" event.

It's bad enough for a child to be sat there without the Mum/Dad/Grandma without the child having to be there sat with no-one because of a stupid policy.

lalalalyra · 02/03/2018 17:55

*When they were 5

NoSquirrels · 02/03/2018 17:57

I liked a PP’s idea:

Tell the school that the only way a female can be present is if DD comes to you for lunch.

Then get DH to bring DD and a picnic to hospital.

The Head needs to be really clear that it’s not about your DH getting to go in and of itself, it’s that your DC is upset & anxious enough about her mother being absent, and so forcing her into a situation where the absence of her mother is obvious is really not in her interests. And that you as a family don’t have a female to send along anyway.

I’d keep her off school that day myself.

MaceWindu · 02/03/2018 17:58

Oh god, we had it with grandparents day at playgroup. One grandparent no longer with us, one in Japan and one in NI. Playgroup said it HAD to be a grandparent. I didn't send DD that day. I was also that kid without a grandparent at the grandparents festival. I can't believe this still goes on nowadays.

MavisPike · 02/03/2018 18:26

I think it’s a dreadful idea all round
It’s been ill thought out

Monkeypuzzle32 · 02/03/2018 18:29

It's setting up so many students and parents to fail, initially a nice idea I guess but in reality terrible!

Justturned50 · 02/03/2018 18:39

I'd keep my child at home if I were you. Terrible move by the school for a whole host of reasons.

CecilyP · 02/03/2018 18:46

I'd be worried about this school! First they think every family has a handy female relative, and now they think that your DH is put out that he can't attend this mother's day lunch and has to be reassured by the prospect of future events that he can attend! No thought for a very little girl being upset. I agree with others to keep her off and have your own picnic at the hospital.

Julie8008 · 02/03/2018 19:11

But if the school allows a father to come on mothers day then all children would have to have the right to bring their father. And if fathers are allowed and the parents are separated then both parents might have to be allowed to attend (that could be very awkward). And if both parents are allowed to attend then what of step fathers and mothers?

And then its no longer a mothers day even just a bring all/any of your parents to school day. Which defeats it being a day celebrating mothers or just gets the whole thing cancelled for becoming a politically correct nightmare or impossible to fit everyone in the room.

And that is before you get into the whole issue of trans.

WattdeEll · 02/03/2018 19:23

Our local school is doing a picnic but it is for children to bring someone they love with them. Gender doesn’t matter and there are extra places if families would like them. No one excluded and the same will happen on Father’s Day. Families are different and every child should have the chance to bring someone.

MaceWindu · 02/03/2018 19:26

Julie

The OP does not want her husband to go AND a female relative. She wants her husband to go because there is no female relative to go with her child and her child is upset at the prospect of being without a relative.

It does NOT open up the whole thing to everyone bringing dad too, it just means that a child with no female relative available can have someone there.

Stop being argumentative and get a grip.

upsideup · 02/03/2018 20:21

But the father can go sit with her on Fathers day. Why doesn't she just go with an auntie or a female family friend. Its mothers day and men cant be a mother.

You have just answered your own question, auntie and female friends are not the girls mother either? Why allow a random women who the child might sees only a few times a year and not paticularly like but not the girls father who loves with her and parents her?

upsideup · 02/03/2018 20:28

Which defeats it being a day celebrating mothers

Again bringing a random auntie or the female NDN would also be defeating it being a day to celebrate mothers, but thats allowed.

And that is before you get into the whole issue of trans.

What is the trans issue? Nobody in this situation is trans so that is not an issue.

Phineyj · 02/03/2018 20:50

We had this and the school simply agreed DH could go instead. I was simply at work - not even an extreme situation like yours DH. DH then joined the PTA and has started working on getting them to change their more old-fashioned policies (when he stuck his head about the parapet it turned out quite a few dads were wondering if things could change).

I hope you feel better soon OP.

Phineyj · 02/03/2018 20:50

Also, I am at work again this year for the event (as is DH) and the thread has inspired me to ask my lovely friend who lives near the school to go instead!

Ginger1982 · 02/03/2018 20:53

I actually can't believe there are folk on here who think this is not an issue! I can't believe there are folk on here who think a little girl should be the only one sitting without someone for lunch and can't believe folk don't see how massively insensitive the issue is as a whole! My dad died when I was 13 and I would have been so upset if something like this had happened to me. Taking a male relative would simply highlight the fact I didn't have a Dad.

Nelly1231 · 02/03/2018 20:57

Women might not feel comfertable having a man in a female space, so I can see where they are coming from there might also be female of Islamic Faith who wish to attend so having a man invade the space would be a problem.

Butchmanda · 02/03/2018 21:00

What utter fuckwits they are for thinking that one up. Divorced / bereaved / ill / absent / working / no other female relatives - so many reasons why that might not work for a lot of people. School must live in Enid Blyton land where mother just has to whip off her apron and she'll be there! I'd complain in the strongest possible terms. I hope you are feeling better soon OP.

EleanorXx · 02/03/2018 21:06

Yanbu op
All the transphobic twats who think there just hilarious with their ‘say he identifies as a woman hahahaha’ comments yabvu.

MaceWindu · 02/03/2018 21:13

No other school event bans father's in case Muslim communities can't come. There will be male staff in schools.

This has nothing to do with making sure Muslim mothers feel comfortable and everything to do with 1950s assumptions about family structures.

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