Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think legally she can’t do this?

272 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 02/03/2018 12:49

My DD has SEN, she’s a summer birthday in reception and behind on top of that so things are often quite a struggle for her.

Her school have sent out a letter saying ‘come and have a mother’s day lunch with your children on X day, bring a packed lunch and sit with them. If you can’t make it, please send along a female relative in your place’

I’m in hospital, I had major surgery yesterday and won’t be able to join her on Monday. I emailed to ask if my husband can come instead, as my DD is already quite anxious about me not being at home as it is.

They said no, because he’s not female.

Surely that’s not allowed? What if we were a two dad family, or a widower?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Jon66 · 02/03/2018 14:04

Very discriminatory and probably unlawful. Challenge them.

wrenika · 02/03/2018 14:04

I'm sure there will be others without mum there. It kinda assumes everyone is free to drop everything and go in for a lunch...which is unrealistic.

MaceWindu · 02/03/2018 14:07

This could easily be my DD when she starts school. My relatives all live abroad, I often travel for work. DP's family would volunteer if they lived close enough, but they don't. Ex's family are a total no no.

I would keep her off school. We can't be the only people on the planet in this situation, surely? How horrible of the school.

ButchyRestingFace · 02/03/2018 14:11

I have some bootiful tea dresses should your husband wish to change his name to Geraldine for a day. What size does he take?

Worldsworstcook · 02/03/2018 14:47

Send him in wearing a dress and shoes

JacquesHammer · 02/03/2018 14:59

That's crap - how utterly insensitive.

At DD's primary school they word the celebrations for "special people" so "at X school we're celebrating Mother's Day - we would like to invite your child to choose someone special to bring with them to join in"

There are no stipulations on who that can/can't be.

SoozC · 02/03/2018 15:19

As a teacher I find this so insensitive. My previous school was CofE so we celebrated Mothering Sunday and made cards/gifts but I always stipulated (as I did whenever we made cards or gifts) that it was for someone special, in their family or not. I sometimes ended up with a couple of cards myself.

It's about being inclusive and sensitive. I would send DH, email the HT to explain and he can bring DD to you for a picnic if the school insist he shouldn't be there. But I can't imagine they would. Or maybe I'm just being optimistic.

Andrewofgg · 02/03/2018 16:07

Probably not unlawful but grossly insensitive. One of my DS’s school contemporaries was brought up by his father from age 4 when his mother died giving birth to his brother, who made it. The father was mainly helped by his father and father-in-law, themselves both widowers - an unusual upbringing - and there was no mother-figure who could have gone to an event like this.

bumba27 · 02/03/2018 16:14

It's Mother's Day not Father's Day? Don't think it's unreasonable at all? If it's was a 2 dad family then the parents have already made the decision for their child that they won't have a mom?

sexnotgender · 02/03/2018 16:15

Not unlawful just spectacularly ignorant.

I feel there is also a really shitty assumption that there's just a load of wimmin sitting at home baking and knitting unlike the men folk who are out earning.

MaceWindu · 02/03/2018 16:26

bumba it's not really about what day it is though, is it? It's about a distressed 4 year old who may well be the only one without a relative there.

Original poster
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 02/03/2018 16:43

I emailed the head, explained again that I’m in hospital, that DD is upset anyway, and that could she please just let DH come along in my place for her sake.

She replied with this.. ‘I appreciate your dilemma but as the event is a themed invitation rather than a general 'come in and share lunch' opportunity it will not be possible. There will be further opportunities later in the year during father's day week and sports day.’

This is so outing at this point but I’m having terrible post surgery pain so I don’t care!

OP posts:
JaneyEJones · 02/03/2018 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaceWindu · 02/03/2018 16:56

Dear Goady Headteacher,

I'm afraid I may not have made myself clear. My concern is not that DH will not have an opportunity to participate in a similar school event with DD. Rather, my concern is that the absence of a visiting relative at this school event, on top of the anxiety and upheaval she is currently experiencing due to my surgery and hospital stay, will create a highly distressing environment for DD at school on Monday.

As I'm sure you are aware, DD has struggled to settle this year due to [insert brief outline of SEN here just to make it absolutely clear to her where you are coming from]. Being one of a minority without a visiting relative will be a distressing experience for her, and I fear could undermine progress made settling into school this year. (Reword to fit her needs as appropriate)

In the absence of a female relative able to attend this event, and due to my current hospitalisation, I therefore feel it is important for DD to have a relative able to attend this event with her, regardless of their gender, for her emotional wellbeing. If you are unwilling to accommodate this in our circumstances, DD will not be attending this event.

Regards,
MaryPoppinsPenguins

SunshineAfterRain · 02/03/2018 16:59

I would 100% withdraw her for the day and like a previous poster said have a picnic at the hospital with you.
When you report her absence tell them is due to the emotional strain they are forcing on dd.
Families are so diverse and unique nowadays. Further more it's socially acceptable now for both parents to work. I think instead if being an inclusive day- which I assume is their aim- it's probably isolated quite a few children.

Badcat666 · 02/03/2018 17:00

Wow... just wow.

I would get your husband to phone up on the day saying she is ill and then spend a lovely day with her. If its too cold to got outside he can lay out a blanket on the living room floor and have their own special day picnic together away from the narrow minded school and then come visit you.

My best friend at Junior school was bought up by her dad and grandad and on mothers day she would make a card for both of them and that was back in the 70s!

Teachers didn't bat an eyelid and our teacher would make sure she had pics of cars and manly things etc to cut out for her. (as my mum one year got a card from me with a pic of a car with flowers sticking out of it cos the car was a pretty blue)

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/03/2018 17:03

I thought Mothers Day was meant to be nice for mums. I can't think of anything worse than eating a packed lunch in my dc school.

poisoningpidgeysinthepark · 02/03/2018 17:04

Wow, that's just nasty of the school. There are so many scenarios in which this would be very difficult for the child, I can't even begin to list them.
I hope you recover well, OP.

anxious2017 · 02/03/2018 17:06

That is absolutely vile. I've taught children who have lost mothers and their fathers are the only parent. I've never heard of such a thing.

I'd be going to the press with this, the governors and social media.

numbereightyone · 02/03/2018 17:09

How very insensitive of them. I wouldn't be very happy either OP. I don't think there's a lot you can do. Is there a nice female neighbour or a colleague who would enjoy the occasion? If not maybe a favourite teacher or playground helper?

Julie8008 · 02/03/2018 17:14

But the father can go sit with her on Fathers day. Why doesn't she just go with an auntie or a female family friend. Its mothers day and men cant be a mother.

MaceWindu · 02/03/2018 17:19

I think most of us are working on the basis that if there was another female relative available to go with the OP's DD then it wouldn't be an issue, Julie.

PuppyMonkey · 02/03/2018 17:24

Send Mace’s email.

You could also point out that Mother’s Day is not actually about mothers, it’s about attending your main or Mother church in the run up to Lent - Mothering Sunday. So the whole event is bollox in the first place. Grin

I think DH should just turn up anyway and tell people he is fulfilling the mother role for this event. As if they would physically chuck him out.

Valentinesfart · 02/03/2018 17:25

If it was a single parent dad who did both roles I'd think it was really unfair to not let him in. And I say the same the other way around.

However in you case, while it's not nice.. he isn't her mother so there isn't much point in him going in on Mother's day while they talk about Mother's Day

prettybird · 02/03/2018 17:32

When I was wee, we had no female relatives, other than my mother, in this country. I would have been very lonely if my family (or school) had followed this approach.

If the school is being so perjink about it being Mother's Day, they shouldn't be suggesting other female relatives as they are not the child's mother Confused As others have said, the father is more likely to be able to "mother" the child than a random female friend. And what about widowers? Who are having to be both mother and father to their child?

Ds' primary was very careful not to assume that all families are in the standard nuclear structure (ditto his secondary). Things like Mother's Day (and Father's Day) are handled very sensitively. Shame that this primary school/head teacher is not so sensitive Sad

Swipe left for the next trending thread