to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

No regrets so far (DD is almost three). I work four days a week, and deliberately stayed in a lower-paid role in local government that is flexible and family-friendly. I'd really struggle to entertain DD at home and do all the activities she does at nursery.

No I don't regret it. Especially not when my ex left me and I was financially able to carry on . I am glad I have a career and my daughters see me working. I have friends at work and it opens me up to more social events. I do have the odd day when I think it would be easier to be at home but they are few.

No regrets. 6 figure salary and flexibe schedule - if I want a day off to play with kids in the snow, in most cases I can simply take it. We have our finances set up so we could manage on one salary only, certainy gives some peace of mind that one can lose their job and we would still be totally fine. And I would never want to be in a position of some SAHM friends of mine, who can't leave their crappy marriages because they can't afford to.

But the main reason is that I would be a totally shit SAHM. While babies are easy to cart around, it seemed like such a waste of time to spend my time on housework, drinking coffee or otherwise hanging with mummies. I find tantrumming toddlers challenging and could not manage to spend 24/7 with them without reaching for gin by breakfast time. And I'm too lazy to do all the millions of activities and classes every day to keep them entertained and occupied, like a proper mother. Honestly I admire some friends of mine whose kids do everything under the sun, ballet and Mandarin classes and football and.. but I suspect if I was a SAHM, mine would mosty be parked in front of TV or something.

I know, I know - so sad, why did I even have them. Well, I do quite like them, I just still like other things as well.

I've known both.
I remember two people coming to toddler group with babies about 1 month old.

1. Said she didn't mind being off, but she really was looking forward to going back to work as she was going to be bored shortly. Plus all the usual stuff about being a good role model for her daughter.
2. Said she was definitely not going back until baby was at least at infant school; she would never be able to leave her with anyone, and then she would make sure she had every holiday off and never work out of school time.

At 6 months old parent #2 went back to work full time saying she couldn't stand being off any more.
At 9 months parent #1 started back at work part time. At 10 months she quit her job because she decided she was missing out too much on her baby growing up. When she did get a job (when youngest started junior school) she got one in a school so she had holidays off.

No not at all. I work part time, I really enjoy my current job, adult conversation and to feel like myself not just "mum". My mental health is so much better just working part time.

I became a parent back in the dark ages when there was no choice. Almost everyone stopped work and went back when their children started school. I loathed it. I was bored and unhappy. It was absolute bliss to go back to work and have adult company all day.

No regrets at all. Work 35hrs a week, not far from home, can work from home regularly and I get greater than average annual leave. Due to my earnings DH doesn’t have to work more than 35hrs either so we’re both around a lot. Last two days we messed about in the snow with DC after school. With both of us earning, we can afford to go skiing and mess about in the snow up a mountain every year.

In a way, yes i regret it. Part of me dreams of staying at home, having more babies and getting a dog and baking cupcakes ( i know its not really like that in the real world....)
But actually I know it would wreck my mental health not working because it did on maternity leave. And there's also the small fact that we can't pay mortgage and bills just on dh's salary. Working part time works for us, I get 4 days a week to play with ds, take him out and just be mummy and 3 at work to have adult conversation, use my brain and go to the toilet without an audience......

No.

I went back 2 days a week PT. When DH was made redundant I stepped up to 4/5 days a week and kept us going financially. Would have been very hard had I given up work altogether. Went back down to 3 days when he got a job again.

Also, although I’m pg again now, I have seen the light at the end of the preschooler tunnel with my eldest 2 DC. In 5 years time once the youngest is in school, I’ve started to think promotion would be good. Hopefully I can work towards that whilst working pt until youngest starts school.

I work part time and enjoy having the balance.
If I made the ‘sacrifice’ to stay at home, for us that would mean losing our home with nowhere to go. I have to work. Most of my money, until recently, went on childcare. For a lot of people it really isn’t a choice at all.
Having said that, I enjoy working and I know that full time SAHP is not for me.
I enjoy my days at home but I experience that Groundhog Day feeling all the time.

Wonder if the op will come back?

I suspect the OP is too busy (trying to empty the washing basket, stressing about what she has in the fridge to make the kids for lunch, feeling bad because the kids have been in front of Cebeebies all morning because the novelty of the snow has worn off and it’s just too cold, mushy and icy to go out whilst counting down to wine o’clock) #makingmemories# to respond.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2938317-AIBU-to-be-annoyed-at-OPs-who-dont-come-back-with-an-update

Ironic

I don't understand why people have to be so snippy about choices other parents make. We all make our own decisions based on what we think is best for our family at that time and we can never truly know what the alternative would have been like

Within my own family one SIL worked full time and often travelled with her job, another SIL and I worked part time and third SIL stayed at home then returned to work and study as children got older. All of us are happy with our choices and would defend them as they worked for our own families and in our circumstances. Doesn't make any of us entitled to be snippy about others choices

“For me, I do find it quite difficult to understand going back to work so soon after having a baby (I guess children under 2), as I just don't understand justifying having a child and then having someone else look after it whilst you continue on with your previous life.”

But men do this every day. Why is it just women doing it that blows your mind?

I went back full time after my first when he was 10 months old. He’s almost 4 now.

I’m currently on Mat Leave with my 6 month old and will be taking 12 months off this time and returning part time.

Now I’ve got a second baby it’s made me realise how quickly my 4 year old has grown up without me realising and it has made me re-evaluate things.

I want to be aroun for my children as much as I can be and if that means taking a bit of a financial hit and a halt in my career progression for a few years then so be it.

Given we would all be dirt poor if I hadn't no.

In an ideal world of have loved to have been part time or a sahm but I'm the high earner and dh is self employed.

So on the whole I only "refret" it when I'm not thinking straight.

@sprinkles because presumably before having children you would discuss which parent would be doing the care. You agree between you whether that will be the man or woman. Most families choose the woman...personal choice. Seems though that quite often it isn't the case that men don't want to do it, but actually women don't either.

No, not for a moment. Being a working parent in a household of two working parents has been hard at times, but I've always loved my work.

And now that I am a single parent because STBXH decided he loves drinking more than he loves our family, I am really glad I stayed in work because we are financially OK - not as great as we were, but OK.

Two good friends of mine chose to stay at home and both got royally shafted when their husbands ran off with younger women. It's not a risk I would ever advise my DDs to take.

You will still have someone else looking after the child, even if it's the other parent. The working parent is still not there to make memories and witness first steps.

I would love to ask a supplementary question but if you think it inappropriate on this thread, please ignore.

I was unable to have children and far too old now. I've wondered whilst reading threads on here about the differences between those who SAH for most of their DC's childhood, those who return to their career after maternity leave and those who take a long break as a SAHM and then don't return to their career but rather take a part time job as they are unable to continue their career.

It's pretty obvious that in all cases, women who have children give up a part of being themselves, far more so than the men. I've always wondered whether you consciously try to retain 'you' or parts of 'you' or do you feel you just became submerged into being a mother? If you do, is it because you were a SAHM or do WOHMs feel the same but maybe less so? I also wonder how those who do get submerged cope when your DCs fly the nest? Also if you think you might resent it happening?

Sorry for the long post.

For me the person I am after having children is completely different to the one I was before. It's not really a question of being 'submerged', but trying to work out who I am now.

Someone up thread couldn't understand why you would have a baby and carry on as before until they were 2. The thing is, I don't see 0-2 as more sacred than 2-4 or even 12-14. The childminder did messy play, fed and changed nappies as well as I did. When they fall out with their best mate / boyfriend / want to share their exciting things / get their period / perform on stage / snuggle up and share their first chapter book, it matters that it's mum or dad.
I've been lucky enough to get a promotion so I should be able to stay part time as long as I want, and I'm ok to have sold off a chunk of my time when they were little in return for having a bit of time for them year in year out from starting school onwards
(I conceded I was lucky - they needed someone to do extra hours doing something specific and only a few of us were qualified... I was able to dictate my terms so agreed I'd do it in school time!)

countingsheeep THIS!!!!!

I guess the thing that bugs me is that so many people don't even acknowledge that caring for one's own children is a full-time and valid occupation (and ergo being out of paid work). For the record, I fully recognise everyone's circumstances, finances, support systems, priorities, interests etc are all different. However, so often when expectant mums are due their baby they are asked "when are you going back to work"? It's the assumption that all mums are going back to paid work and wouldn't choose to "be at home" (I phrase I hate).

Again, it's stating the obvious, but I fully recognise that different set-ups work for different families (I know families where both parents work part time, some where both parents work full time, some where one parent is the "breadwinner" and one "stays at home", some families with single parents doing it all).

A pp asked about my husband.......he would absolutely love to be "at home" as well, he'd have a football team of children if he could!!! But all the practicalities of each job considered it works best for us for him to be at work at present (swap of roles certainly up for discussion if he wanted to swap, I'd be happy for him to have a chance experiencing what I have).

Some people have mentioned about being or not being a natural sahm. I'm not sure what a natural sahm is, I don't think any of us are born knowing it all. We may have spent some time around other children, but ultimately new mums are ....... new at being a mum. I think society and we all need to give ourselves a break. We don't know it all, won't ever will, can only do our best with each individual day.

(Given the nature of my job, it's very much all or nothing, there wouldn't really be much scope for flexible working etc So that really pushed me to make a decision about going back or not after dc1 was born. I may go back at some stage in the future, but not before primary school).

Enjoy your maternity leave paie

I've been with the kiddios all morning, both of who are now sleeping, hence I'm just getting back here now after lunch.

I don't feel submerged into being a mother (I'm a WOHM, if that's relevant), although I do feel certain aspects of me came to the fore with motherhood. Doesn't mean they'll be permanently to the fore. It's as if I took up weightlifting and have been focusing on my upper-body strength, so those muscles are now most developed. If I stop weightlifting and do something else, another part of me might become more prominent.