to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

That's to Silvery, btw.

Love "The thing is, I don't see 0-2 as more sacred than 2-4 or even 12-14."

Totally agree with this. I never got it when my kids were little, but now they're 11 and 14, I totally think it's true. When they're little, it doesn't matter who keeps an eye on them whilst they're sleeping for a few hours. But when DD has a rough day at school, it is most definitely Mum she needs / wants to talk to at the end of the day. That and being constantly on call as a permanent taxi service (live rurally, no bus!)

@drofrub it doesn't matter who looks after them

... seriously, this country has become seriously disillusioned.

silvery I think bibliomania describes it well.

On a personal level I've witnessed some women of my mother's generation really struggle with "empty next syndrome", for one it was the beginning of developing a severe depression. With that in mind, I deliberately do some activities outside of being "Mum" to someone (volunteering and hobby, both of which I think are essential to positive mental health).

Sorry to hear silvery that being a Mum is something you wanted in your life but haven't experienced .

Yes Countingsheep can you please explain If the child is asleep why it makes a difference who is with a sleeping child (providing it's a qualified carer of course).

Can you explain the benefits of a mother watching over a sleeping child than a qualified professional?

"it doesn't matter who keeps an eye on them whilst they're sleeping for a few hours."

SilverySurfer that's a really interesting question and something I've thought about a lot.

My mum gave up a thrilling and (at the time) well-paid career to have children and never really got her mojo back, work-wise. She did do part-time and volunteering work after we were in secondary school but it was a far cry from her previous career. We never needed the money as my dad was doing well but she bitterly resented it.

Although she loved us and loved being our mum it was always very clear to me that she felt robbed in some way. And it impacted her ability to parent us -- I always had some sense of her being "not quite there" mentally. I had it instilled into me by this that giving up your career in some way led to giving up something of yourself and I've always known that giving up work would work for me, even if it made sense financially (which it never has). And I've seen it happen to other friends who have given up their careers. There's usually a sense of something having been lost, even if its not an explicit sadness.

That may not be true of SAHMs who didn't ever work or who didn't like work and I dare say some people love it and never look back. But if you've had a period of being independent and having had some interesting focus for your life outside children, it's hard to adjust to the idea that your identity will henceforth be defined by "being mum".

Broadening that out I think you do lose something of yourself by being a mother, even if you work. I'm a lone parent with a well-paid and good career and have about as much independence and agency as its possible to have as a lone parent. My life is pretty good, all things considered.

I love my daughter to death and feel very lucky that I'm able to support her alone. I have good friends and a decent support network and I am lucky enough to be able to get out and preserve my sense of self often enough that I don't get bored and lonely.

But still and although I would never trade having had my daughter in for not having had her there is a sense of loss of self. It's the loss of total self-determination, loss of focus (careers/hobbies etc), loss of spontaneity, the sense that someone else always has to come first. It has to be like that and I'm quite happy with the choice I've made. But I do in some ways feel "less" of me than the pre-child me, yes.

Research suggests parental presence is more important in teen years than toddler years.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/children/11848710/Why-teenagers-need-quality-time-with-their-parents-more-than-toddlers-do.html

For me, I do find it quite difficult to understand going back to work so soon after having a baby (I guess children under 2), as I just don't understand justifying having a child and then having someone else look after it whilst you continue on with your previous life.

What a silly comment!

And in answer to op's question, no, I don't regret it at all.

I went back to work after Mat leave with my youngest for a short while but had to leave as they couldn't accommodate the hours I needed and was actually really looking forward to being a SAHP (my husband works full time and we agreed that I would wait until she started school) but I actually hate it (can't currently go back to work now anyway due to eldest being ill).

I worked after having the oldest but circumstance meant I couldn't be a SAHP at that point (10 year age gap between my children) and hated having to go back to work.

But in hindsight I would definitely work and not be a SAHP. Grass is greener and all that!

I just don't understand justifying having a child and then having someone else look after it whilst you continue on with your previous life.

Oh fuck off. There’s benefits to the child at which way you do it. Neither way harms a child. Until you’ve witnessed or experienced that, your self righteous opinion doesn’t count.

In answer to the original question, I work from home and out of the home and I don’t regret it one bit. I’m as much as an individual as my children are and I’d go crazy being at home with no other purpose but to look after my kids. I’m on mat leave with my 2nd DC at the moment but I have no doubt that my oldest has benefitted from being in a childcare setting and from watching me work hard with both my jobs. Not saying that’s going to be the same for anybody but that’s the way it is for us.

Not me. I have 2 days per week like you describe (well not EXACTLY the same obviously, but days where we spend time doing fun things with our children). It is called the weekend, and DP is there too.

I'm on maternity leave with my youngest and I'm SO excited to go back to work in a few months.

I'm not sure what a natural sahm is, I don't think any of us are born knowing it all

I'm not talking about knowing it all, but doing all the things SAHMs do or are expected to do. I have SAHM friends who have really immersed themselves in the lifestyle and seem to be enjoying doing all those various activities and crafts, going to baby singing and toddler kung fu, filling their days with outings with kids and running all the errands, volunteering for school bake sales and so on. I could not do it 7 days per week, would drive me probaby literally bonkers.

If people are saying it's career like any other then it's also normal that some people are better at some things and not so good at others, and it might not make sense to grit your teeth and become a mediocre SAHM at best, when there are other options available.

That's interesting @SilverySurfer I don't think I submerged parts of myself. I think I grew into my whole self after becoming a mother.

I got my shit together career wise, I'm much stronger and in control, I like myself more and I don't waste time on things that are really to meet other people's expectations.

I whinge sometimes, but I do have a pretty good career now, an actual career whereas just after returning to work I was bottom of the pile.

No regrets when I think practically about it. I'd probably just be trying to return to the workplace now and at my age it would be difficult to get entry level jobs again to work back up as I'd be against grads etc. And while I'm sometimes envious of my friend who is a sahp I'm not sure I'm envious of her credit card bills!

Silvery I think I am submerged in motherhood. It's not that I'm a completely different person but my priorities have obviously changed dramatically. I'm a SAHM. I loved my job (I had my own small business )but have scarcely looked back since giving it up. I think it's hard not to become engulfed in motherhood when I do so very much of it (of course I'm not saying WOHP are in any way less/ not full time parents etc), just the physicality of caring for small dc all day, being with them so much is intense. I was very submerged in work pre dc though so maybe it's just my personality.

No I don't. I went back FT both times when DC were 6 months.

My DC have a fantastic relation with their Grandparents (who looked after them).

I was able to recharge my batteries which was sorely needed - DS1 is extremely difficult, still wakes every night aged 6 years and generally demands a lot of time and energy. Sharing that between 4 adults (me, DH and my parents) really helped me stay sane. My mum knowing the DC so well has been a HUGE support.

I also progressed in salary meaning that when I dropped down to a 4 day week I was still earning what I did when I got pregnant with DC1 and worked 5 days.

Yes, I would say I regret going back to work.

I did it for all the reasons you often see on MN. My own salary, paying NI, paying pension, etc. DH and I have joint income but the equivalent of my wage pays the childcare for 2 in nursery. Both have a funded place (Scotland) but private because school nursery hours don't cover the 7.45am-5.15pm I am in school or his hours. The funding is term time (3 hours 12 mins per day) only so we obviously have to pay full fees in the holidays whether DC attend or not. The nursery opens 50 weeks a year.

But, it just so hard. I feel broken with the juggling. It feels so different in the holidays (I'm a teacher). The two weeks of Christmas were a delight. We have no family nearby so child illness is a nightmare. DH and I have used up our contractual parental allocation already this year.

It makes zero difference to my career as a teacher. I was top of the pay scale before I had DC and I have no interest in promotion.

The last 2 permanent posts at my school went to women who had taken 8-10 years out. They had done some infrequent supply work to keep their GTC registration but only occasional days as it suited them.

I wish I had listened less to the general advice and thought more specifically to my own situation.

It is my plan to stop teaching this summer. The passion I had for my job has been destroyed by the juggling between the needs of my own children and those I teach. I feel torn apart.

I agree that teenagers need parental presence more than toddlers do. I work 7.30 - 3.30 and having a chunk of afternoon and a long evening with my DDs has been great for all of us. When things go wrong with a teen, it can take them time to open up and relax enough - when they feel they are part of a rushed evening schedule, they may not open up at all. Having time to get to the bottom of things when they feel a bit 'off' makes such a difference.

Not for a minute. I went back after 6 months. I reduced my hours in late primary, I found they needed me more then; it also had less impact on my career. I find the toddler years a total drudge and was quite glad to hand them over to nursery. If the toddler years were really appealing to me, I'm sure I would have done it differently.

As for the magical snow, I'll build a bloody snowman tonight, after work.

My sister regreted being a sahm and just got back into the work place. Think being a sahm was the reason she had terrible pnd. I work part time as need the money but it works. My dd is safe with grandparents and seems to really enjoy seeing me when im back. Best of both worlds for me. Everyone is different though!

I went back when my ds was 5 months and regretted it instantly. I missed all those lovely milestones. This time I'm taking the full year ((starting in 4 weeks time)) can't wait!!

silvery it’s different for everyone, I don’t feel I’ve lost myself but with less time, you have to prioritise your interests much more than before. I read a lot less, I work fewer hours and travel for work less (so obviously less progression) - less overtime, we go out less.

I do think it’s a bit harder to nurse your interests but it’s not impossible. I feel my dh has found it harder too, weekends are all kid focused now so that’s a lot of time lost for any hobbies like rugby watching, cricket watching, reading, leisurely reading of newspapers etc.

I’m sorry you weren’t able to have dc, I don’t know what to say but I hope the pain has gotten easier.

I’ll be honest: if someone had waved a magic wand so that financially I didn’t have to go back to work at the end of maternity leave with dd1- I’d have jumped at it. BUT ML was only 3 months back then and returning to work with such a young bf baby was hard. I may well have felt differently after 6 months or a year. Do I regret going back to work though? Absolutely not. I’ve always said having children was the best thing I ever did, and keeping my hand in with my career was the second best.

In fact after dc 2 and 3 (by which time dh was earning significant more and we could have afforded for me to give work up) I decided to return after ML. I did work only 3 days until my youngest was starting school, so I guess my career took a bit of a back seat before I stepped back up to full time but it worked for us.

I am really, really glad I never stopped work completely. Sadly I encounter quite a lot of women in their 40s and 50s who are very capable but lack the confidence and the recent experience to be able to get the more interesting well paid jobs

“Today 13:04 Countingsheeeep

@sprinkles because presumably before having children you would discuss which parent would be doing the care. You agree between you whether that will be the man or woman. Most families choose the woman...personal choice. Seems though that quite often it isn't the case that men don't want to do it, but actually women don't either.”

@countingsheep I don’t really understand your comment, particularly not within the context of your earlier comment about having children and letting someone else look after them.

My husband and I discussed childcare before we had children, and decided we would both go back to work because that’s what we wanted. It’s constantly reviewed to make sure it’s best for all and many compromises have been made along the way.

And actually a huge number of famikes discuss this and chose neither the man nor the woman but suitable high quality child care whilst they work.