to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

I regret it. We are better off financially and it was 100% necessary but every day that I leave him to go to work I wish I could stay with him.

blue - my kids are very independent actually. The elder two go all over London by bus and train every day by themselves. I can't be in three places at once. I still need to do the school run for the younger ones though. It's not helicopter parenting, it's just doing what it takes. DH has his part, I have mine and we get in with it. We could make different lifestyle choices yes, but you could apply that to anyone. This is normal for us and thousands of others as far as I can see.

Yes I do have a child who is dyslexic and requires support. She is also a dancer, so there is that to schedule factor in. DS does a lot if rugby. There are after school clubs run by the schools yes, but they often want to do things on different days. I can cope with it all because they are my kids, but I wouldn't expect anyone else to do it all. The cooking for 4 DC and for DH if he's home, the homework and running around - not to mention emotional support and all "issues" that are never-ending. The nanny would have to be prepared to go "above and beyond" and that kind of person is rare. Life would be a lot more stressful if we had to involve someone else in our family and it's not worth the hassle.

Lots more interesting posts on here, have been thinking about this this week and doing some reflecting. I'm out all day tomorrow but want to get back on here tomorrow evening to jot down some thoughts.

chevalier, that sounds tough

In which case OP you might want to start a follow up thread and link to it here before the thread is full up almost at 1000!

abso can a thread get full? What happens when it hits 1000?

How do people normally label follow up threads? Insert same title cont. ??

I regret staying at home. I have little recollection of those times with children but now I have little career either. I have worked part time but haven't progressed. I'm inlikely to now and i am so frustrated with it! Staying at home just wasn't worth it!

Staying at home has been a life changer for me.
Has transformed my life for the better.

As far as I know when the thread hits 1000 that's it, is full and no more comments can be added.

I think people usually paraphrase something like "Does anyone regret going back to work after DC Thread 2"

But it's always useful to have a hyper link to the new thread in the comments of the old one for people to click on, otherwise you have to try and search for it

Ok that's great, many thanks!

Hi OP - as others have said it's worth putting a link to the new thread in this thread before it gets full (you don't need to wait until the 1000th post), but also worth putting a link to this thread in the first post of your new thread (so that people who haven't seen this one can catch up)

Will do, I was out unexpectedly today so I know I'll get a chance tomorrow evening I'll pop down a few thoughts; this thread has really confirmed my opinion on a lot of things, and prompted me to consider again others. I'll start a new post and link it then also.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again; I think we've done to get this far on this thread without a single post being deleted. (One post was edited by MN, at the poster's request). It's a complex and emotive topic, but with a little respect on all "sides" it's possible to have a discussion without a bunfight!

During this post a number of things have occurred to me, I'm sure I won't remember them all now as I sit down to write this, but here are a few:

1. Surprise

The post was written from a place of complete and utter exasperation; constantly being asked "when are you going back to work" and the pressure that I and pretty much every other SAHM I know is under to return to paid employment after not having children. It reflects, in my opinion, a widely held belief that caring for and raising one's own children is not deemed a valid occupation (eg in contrast to someone who is a childminder and receives respect for having a job, despite doing similar tasks during the "working day").

I was hugely surprised that mothers in paid work on this thread expressed surprise that they didn't know about the pressure most SAHMs feel (to return to paid work). In a weird sort of way it's funny that those who I perceive to be often applying this pressure are unaware of it!

1. Geography of MN

Some posts on this thread have led me to believe/given the impression that many of the MN SAHM crew are all South West England/London based, and certainly from what I consider affluent areas. I was unaware (if my impression is accurate) of any regional bias of the MN contingent.

I'm an occasional poster and was under the impression that the bigger divide was MN vs netmums, as opposed to geographical bias within MN. Before becoming a parent someone warned me off MN, that it was fully of AIBU-viper-types, and that netmums is more of a lets-all-sit-round-and-hold-hands wishy washy set up.

1. Prejudice (my own and others)

The honest response of pp has prompted me to review my own prejudice of mums in paid employment. I acknowledge I have very much guilty of "lumping all together", when in actual fact there are so many scenarios that make up this group of women e.g. working mums by choice, working mums by necessity, part-time working mums who'd like to be SAHMs, part-time working mums who'd like to be full-time, and everything in between. If I'm completely honest, I've always thought that those mums in paid work "because I have to" were simply doing so as they were living outwith their means or were living as a consequence of previous financial decisions (e.g. taking out a mortgage based on two salaries, whereas we bought a house we could afford to run on one salary in the hope of one day becoming parents).

I'm also acutely aware of some of the preconceptions others have of SAHMs, "lumping them in together", when in fact there are so many variations of this lifestyle also! e.g. the mum who has life time-tabled to a hilt or the mindful mum who lives in the moment and has never implemented a routine in her life etc

I've created a second thread for anyone who wants to continue the discussion...........

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3191390-THREAD-2-to-ask-if-anyone-on-here-regrets-going-back-to-work-after-dc-and-not-being-a-sahp?watched=1

I suspect with regard to your last point, there are few people who can select a mortgage which is affordable on one income now - might have been the case in the past and in certain areas of the UK but I do think it's a thing of the past. Everyone's feeling the pinch and many things are more expensive.

Barbie I fully acknowledge what you've said is true. I also highlight the point that my position is not one of affluence. We would like a bigger house with more rooms and outside space etc, but have chosen a smaller one (to be run on one wage).

It's only going to get worse going forward, I really feel for all our children trying to start out on their own.

It’s reassuring to know that I wasn’t alone in deciding to return to full time work when financially I didn’t need to . Although it’s nearly 20 years ago I still remember the unpleasant questions I got about my (and DH’s) decision.

All patents "raise" their children working or not. Deciding which school / religion / no relugion / politics / house rules etc. All That impacts a child and isn't solely dependent on who works.