to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

I have worked FT mostly from home, without using any childcare, through having three children. If I had to do it all again I would go out to work and use childcare.
My children don't remember all the things I did for them by being at home, then just about killing myself by working all night.

I firmly believe it doesn't matter what's right for everyone else. Do what's right for you and your family.

Don't forget most things are changeable. If you can afford it. Maybe try going back before making a decision.

I went back to work after both but only managed 4 months after DS2.

I was throwing the children into nursery/breakfast club at ridiculous times, rushing to get to work, doing unpaid overtime everyday as it's impossible to do everything I needed to do with my job PT.

I was generally very stressed which was impacting on life at home and the children. DH travels a lot so I am on my own a lot of the time.

We made the decision for me to "go on sabbatical" for a few years.

I am much happier and the general overall stress levels in the house have dramatically reduced, however I have to admit I am not a natural SAHM - some days I am tearing my hair out and wonder WTF have I done?!

But what finishing paid work has undoubtedly made me realise is how much I defined who I am by my career - now I don't have that, it has left me feeling very vulnerable and exposed.

No never regretted it. Am primary teacher so home by 3 (after collecting from Creche )roughly except one day a week. Have summers off. Most of my colleagues have preschooler they all come back after mat leave. Dh works 3 days a week and they have two days together which is lovely for them. Adore dd and am 33 weeks pregnant but I really love my job and have made great friends through it.

I regret going back full time.
I went back part time at first, then thought we'd be better off financially if I changed to full time.
I cannot begin to explain how insanely wrong I was.
So much worse off, and I miss spending more time with my DD.
It sucks to think that I pay someone else to do what I want to do with her during the week, and it doesn't benefit us financially at all.
Suppose you could say I'm setting a good example, but I've never been able to drop her off at preschool or do the pick ups, or any other little things. I feel like I've missed out on being there for her as a parent and honestly cannot wait for maternity leave so I can experience the school runs!

I regret not going back to work sooner.

When I was a SAHP it was pretty much drudgery, but clearly the OP doesn't feel that way, so, er..........................................enjoy.

When I had a work/life balance I cherished the days with my children so much more.

Do you ever ask this question of men and if not, maybe you should reflect on that.

Work is closed for me for the last 3 days. 3 blissful snow days with the kids. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway because DH would have just had to do it if I was at work so they would have still have had their memorable days.

I work full time but term time only. DH works part time during term from home in his own busines-more when I’m off. Our kids have huge amounts of time with both of us and we both earn very well. I definitely have no regrets not being a SAHM. I grew up with one and seeing her life I knew it was not for everyone and I knew it was definitely not for me.

The reality is:

some people want to work and can.
Some people don't want to work and don't have to.
Some people want to work and can't
some people don't want to work and have to.

You seem to be in the second bracket and don't want to work and don't have to, that's great but don't assume that all women feel like this we genuinely don't. It's lovely you enjoy continual childcare,cooking and housework.

Me, I love my daughter more than the moon and back, she's now a happy well adjusted twenty year old, but it wouldn't have benefited either one of us if I had given up to do nothing but look after her and cook and clean. The benefits of my career became apparent as she got older, from personal happiness to financial security and the things we could afford.

Simply we are all different people.

God no. I'd go fucking mad without some balance in my life.

I am deeply, deeply grateful that I was never a SAHM. It's meant financial freedom for me and dd, including the freedom to leave a badly-chosen exH.

I also think nursery was great for dd - as an only child, it was her chance to be part of a tribe of children, in which she thrived.

I'm not invested in the ideological position that it's best for children to be raised by a single individual (I'm more persuaded by Sarah Hrdy's position on alloparenting).

I find it very annoying to invest time and effort to respond to OPs and then they don't show up to continue the discussion. Especially after adding a second message to entice people in. Is it a case of 'light the blue touch paper and step back'? or AIBU?!

No regrets.

@minniemousse in my case, and I would assume alot of others, this was very much a consideration before going ahead and having children. I am educated, I have a strong working background pre-children, and will do what I need to to get back into work. People act like it's impossible when it really isn't.

For me, I do find it quite difficult to understand going back to work so soon after having a baby (I guess children under 2), as I just don't understand justifying having a child and then having someone else look after it whilst you continue on with your previous life.

Not a popular view I'm sure, but for me it just blows my mind.

Like I said in my original post, I don't actually enjoy being a sahm, I find it very difficult and monotonous, but life isn't just about me anymore, and I accepted that when we started to try for a baby.

Once my 2 are in preschool, which will mean me having been out of work for 3 years, I will be going back to work whilst they are not at home. My career background will allow me to do this.

Yes, but if OP is hoping for a bunfight, I hope we don't give it to her (or him). Nobody here has criticised anyone else's points or been snide about each other, just spoken about what works for them and acknowledge that other people's lives lead to different choices. I'd love it if this thread could stay this way. (But nobody made me boss of the thread).

Is it a case of 'light the blue touch paper and step back'

Possibly, it's always a contentious subject. I do suspect though the op just wanted people to tell her how lucky she was getting to do childcare and cook. Not really realising many of us don't really find that ideal on a daily basis.

Oops no, cross-post with counting. There we go.

It makes me sad that this should be a "light the blue touchpaper" subject though. Because it's not something that has one right, or wrong, answer - just a whole lot of different circumstances and personalities and factors involved.

Is it a case of 'light the blue touch paper and step back'?

Tbh to me it reads as coming from a place of defensiveness.

Many days I am not sure about my choice as a SAHM but today is a good day so I will try to goad all the others whose choices undermine mine or something to that effect. It certainly doesn’t read as coming from a place of concern, does it?

Agree barbarianmum, its just different for everyone. We all have different needs and desires. One persons perfect life is another persons idea of hell.

You want people to come on and admit they are jealous of you having a lovely snow day?

I have a great career and manage to pick my kids up from school and take days off when it snows. Sorry to disappoint you.

This lol.

I don't regret going back to work at all. Just been made redundant, but I also just secured an amazing new job - my first management role! I am much happier working than I was at home during my maternity leave, and we get to reap the benefits such as not worrying about money if one of us does lose our job, might even be able to manage a holiday this year!

I went back to work when my youngest was 18 months, my middle nearly three. I regret it then and in hindsight.

The job didn't do anything for my CV and didn't have a progression route.

After childcare/travel/clothing the wages made little difference.

Well, honestly I do accept that I have made the sacrifice (both for me and on my children’s behalf without any choice from them) to miss out on most of their days and not spend all my time with them, and sometimes I don’t like that.

For example, morbid but I think what if DC died? I only had them a few short years and they were with a nanny 10 hours a day.

But, then I think that really isn’t going to happen. But what I can be certain of is they benefit from the extra money, have wonderful childcare and opportunities I couldn’t give them, and they will benefit all their lives.

And we get to continue our careers, remain independent and able to teach our children about working life. And then I don’t feel guilty.

God no.

I tried it after DC1 and was certifiable after about a month.

Went back to work in a different role which has led on to some really amazing stuff.

The last 3 snow days...day 1 was a novelty. Day 3 has us all bored shitless.

I’ve done both. I have 4 kids and two stepchildren. I was SAHM with my first two then went back to work ( educational publishing sales rep) when youngest of those was 4 and I became a single Mum. This I now beleve was a mistake. My children’s well-being would have been better during those years if I’d relied on benefits and been with them more to help adjust.
My current husband came with two stepchildren so We just could not cover the childcare costs at that time so back to SAHM and we had two further dc. Very broke and wanting a professional job where I could work part time and earn a decent wage I retrained as a Nurse when youngest 18 m old.
It’s hard to combine work with looking after a family. I find it hard to see my children properly when concentrating on work so I seem to get an idealised view of lovely family activities we will do which often never quite worked out.
Conversely, when kids taking my time with some crisis I couldn’t do my job to the best of my ability. It’s an old story.
Having so many kids I can say that some have been fine and others suffered from my unavailability. It depends on them and their personality/ needs.
Other women may also have better skills at work / life balance than I did.
On balance I think SAHM would have been best for us all from an emotional well-being POV but the financial situation would have certainly added pressures and we would not be so comfortable as we are now.
Inconclusive I know but I’d say so long as you can put a roof over their heads and food on the table dc should be the priority, be guided by them and what they can tolerate

I don't regret it because I had a short period where I had been made redundant and was looking for a new job. During that time I got to be at home and whilst I loved being with my children, I hated having no money and constantly being stressed about having no money. Its depressing and stressful.

After redundancy I did switch to a proper 'mum track' job though and life for everyone was easier (my youngest just started school and my eldest ks2) There was no juggling, we had the same disposable income and I got to see more of the children. But again, this wouldn't have been viable until they were both in school anyway.