to ask if anyone on here regrets going back to work after dc, and not being a sahp?

[mammyoftwo]

Context: It's a snowy day here..........beautiful stop-you-in-your-tracks-to-look-at-them snowflakes.....it's spent playing outside, coming inside for home baking, snuggling by the fire with books and an all round "good day".

(For full disclosure, I fully acknowledge we have plenty of "not good days" with two toddlers).

But anyways, it got me to thinking...............................................so often on here I read threads about "I don't want to give up my career for my children"/"Do you regret being a sahp" etc, etc etc....... you get the gist.

So today, having had a "good day", I'm going to be bold and brave enough to ask it.............................................does anyone back in paid work after children regret it?
I'd have hated to miss out on all that we did today. Things aren't easy, we've made sacrifices in spending for one parent to be "at home" but it's a choice we made as we believe it works best for our family.

You want people to come on and admit they are jealous of you having a lovely snow day?

I have a great career and manage to pick my kids up from school and take days off when it snows. Sorry to disappoint you.

I think it depends on your home circumstances and if you enjoyed work before mat leave.

I'm lucky enough to love my job and although I'll miss being home with my girls I know their dad will be with them (he's a SAHP) and I have lots of friends at work who will be supportive on the tough days.

My parents had the same model and my DH was never careeer orientated so this was always the plan if we had kids and we both enjoy it on the whole.

If we had enough money and didn’t have to do without anything then I absolutely would be a sahp, but I didn’t have much choice, all our essential bills are pretty low but it would still be a struggle for us on one wage.

I don’t enjoy working at all and I can’t imagine any job that I’d rather do than staying at home with my child. Some women I know couldn’t wait to get back to work and talk about needing time to themselves once the kids have gone to bed or feel like they’ve lost their sense of self since becoming a mother, but I’ve never felt that way.

No hindsight from me as currently on mat leave with a 7 month old, going back to work next month. Absolutely dreading it!!! Financially have to but if I could be a SAHM I 10000% would. I’m interested to see if I suddenly love working again,

This is my situation (though I go back in 2 months) and I feel the absolute opposite. I love DS but I have lost a huge part of myself over these past months. I don’t feel intellectually challenged, I feel like I have no freedom and I really miss the social aspect of it. I can’t wait to get back.

God no. After DD went into childcare at 8 months I missed her and felt guilty for a bit.

Then my DH then went off the rails and started going to the pub every night after work, generally putting his own needs at the centre of our family, refused to contribute in any way to the financial or practical support of his daughter and I ended up throwing him out when she was 4 and am now divorcing him.

If I'd given up work I'd have been in a right pickle now. As it is I have a stressful job but a good salary, have a warm roof over our heads, can afford to pay for holidays, after school clubs, nice food etc.

Also what yellow said about not modelling the 1950s. My mum gave up her job when she had kids and spent the next 20 years bitterly regretting it. And we didn't appreciate her any more than we would if she'd have gone out to work -- arguably we appreciated her less.

Even in the best case scenario with a loving, reliable and solvent other half I think its a mistake to give up work.

I've been a working mum all my kids' lives (they are teenagers now) and while sure, sometimes I felt it would have been fun to be a part of a "magical" type day as you describe, I just made sure to enjoy the time I did get with them! And I fully believe that role-modelling an enjoyment in career as well as a commitment to family was the right thing for me. I don't regret it for a moment, even if I have a bad day at work (but then I only regret it in the same way I regret not winning the lottery: not as a reasonable choice).

What if they'd gone out and had a great time in the snow with their friends but you hadn't gone? Would it have spoiled the magic or the memories for them in any way? Would it have impacted your relationship? It seems a bit of a waste of time to think about. Make the choices that suit you and your family. The only "right" choice is the one that's right for you.

Unless you've tried both options, you'll never really know which is best. I went back when DC 1 was 6 months, but only part-time. I don't regret it at all, even though there has had to be quite a lot of juggling involved, because I've seen how some of my friends have struggled to get back into the workplace after being SAHPs. I wanted to keep my job security. However, I may have regretted going back full-time as I am glad that I had a couple of days a week at home when the children were young and am able to take them to extra-curricular activities.

No, not at all. That's not to say it was easy - one of my dcs has SN, so trying to fit in all the appointments with numerous health care professionals/specialists when she was younger and with both dh and I working was very challenging - but I worked p/t and so got a fairly good balance of time at work and time spent at home doing things with the dc.

From my perspective now, with 2 teenagers in the house, I'm very glad I kept my career going - I work 4 days - it's meant I have financial independence and a work pension, and there's more money for school trips/family activities/holidays. Dcs are used to a family where both parents work and have a broadly fair division of labour around the house, and I have a role outside of the home as an individual in my own right and beyond that of wife/daughter/mum.

No no no! I thank my lucky stars I have a career I can go back to. I'd go insane if I had to be a at home all the time. I love my ds to bits but I love my job!

Yes and no.

I love my job and I love working. Plus all of the benefits of pension, professional registration, etc..

I'm glad my children will grow up thinking it's normal that both parents work and are a team.

But, I miss them terribly everyday I'm at work. The 3 hours I get to spend with them between pick up and bed time just isn't enough.

Nah, no danger. I do work part time though.

Nope.
DH is unexpectedly out of work and we'd be fucked if I wasn't working.
And I have a career that would have been impossible to rejoin if I'd taken time out.

I'm currently on maternity leave with second. Didn't regret working with first. Meant we have a financial buffer and don't have to budget for everything.

My daughter flourished at childminder.

Nope. My job is a big part of who I am and I don't want to give it up. I would hate to be a SAHP, just not me at all. I still get to do amazing things with my son, but I also get to be part of something bigger.

Everyone needs to do what works for them.

Me. I hated leaving them to the point that I strongly believe it's contributed to my suffering depression a few years down the line.That plus the pressure of trying to do it all, being totally knackered, resenting then h for just being able to crack on and do his thing at work whilst I had to compromise on mine because he was potentially the higher earner.
I can barely remember dd2 being a baby because dd1 was only a year older and between running after her as a toddler and work it was just too much of a whirlwind.
We would have been skint if I hadn't worked. But I now think we should have moved somewhere cheaper (we live SE), and taken the hit financially because life would probably be very different now if we had. I actually think exh and I would probably still be together and I don't think I would have become so unwell.

I've enjoyed and found hard in different ways all the versions I've tried. I did enjoy my second mat leave, playing with my 2 year old and the baby. I resented working and paying 2 x full fees until the eldest was 3 and a term, but very soon I got promoted (real payrise) and eldest got 15 hours (felt like a payrise). Me working has meant we could afford a big enough house in a nicer area, nearer to both our workplaces. 2 bedroom house would be tricky long term with different sex kids. But just because I enjoy the choices I've made, it does devalue other choices. I'm still part time, so have foot in each camp! My marriage has had each of us not working for a little bit before we had kids, so it isn't that our money isn't combined, however his employment was very unstable when the kids were tiny, so it didn't enter our heads for me to quit my permanent contract!

Ha! Not even a smidgen of regret here!!

I was fortunate to go back 3.5 days at first, then up to 4. My career has flourished and I've secured our financial stability, as well as making considerable investment in pension.
Saying that, reducing my hours costs me around £20k per year, but I do love my day off with DD.

Point is, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. DH and I are both fortunate to be able to both reduce our hours and work flexibly to some extent. Appreciate this can be hard to achieve in some industries, but it can be done. We both get time off in the week with DD this way.

Hell no, I’m going back to work this year after eight years off. I’ve been there for everything, no stress caused by sick kids and whatnot. I’m terms of family stress levels it’s been great.

However I’m going mad now and with my youngest finally at school, I’m dying to get my teeth into work

If I had the choice and we had the money I'd have been a SAHD. Would have been much easier and preferable to a flexible working pattern which left me exhausted and on ADs.

Going back full time has done wonders for my career, but I do feel like I'm missing out loads.

I don't think I'd have enjoyed being a SAHP but being able to work PT would be perfect for me.

I returned full time after each of my DC to my job. No regrets. I have been promoted to senior level with more.money and more flexibility. I can work from home whenever I feel like it and get generous annual.leave. this week I have worked from home and with schools closed we played in the snow. So best of both worlds for me.

further to my earlier post my dd is now 14. im glad we had the extra money for school trips, parties and her drama and music lessons. im also glad that she has a very strong independent streak and is ambitious and i like to think that she gets that from me. she hasnt been brought up to be reliant on anybody. i have always instilled the need to be self sufficient financially. my mum although she worked was stuck in an unhappy marriage for years as she couldnt afford to leave.
we have a lot of happy memories that we might not have done if i wasnt working so in answer to your question i just wish i had waited til she was at pre school and lived off the extortionate nursery fees!

There are a few posters on here saying "I have the rest of my life to work". Do please make sure you do your research into the likelihood of being able to step back into the workplace. For some, it is easy to slot back in, but I've seen several of my friends who haven't been able to rejoin their previous career when they wanted to after a few years out and have ended up doing low-level jobs. That's fine if it's your decision, or if you are happy to retrain or start from the bottom if necessary, but I would make sure you know what your options are.

No not at all. I took a year off with both kids and went back (very) part time when they were preschoolers. I completed a doctorate over evenings and weekends over the 7 years they were little and that opened a door to a rewarding career that is flexible for childcare (within reason!). My kids are now mid way through primary/about to enter secondary. I have a great set up, interesting rewarding professional career and time with my family. DH and I did this together, he is a proper parent and co-partners. I'm likely to be working for another 20 years. The thought of 20 years staying at home or being in a not very rewarding job brings me out in a cold sweat tbh. I would also not take the risk of only having one earner in a family. We've had debilitating illness in my family I've seen how vulnerable it can make you if all your eggs are in one basket (never mind possible relationship breakdown). But everyone has to make their own choices.... My only recommendation would be to think long term. I know people who've not worked at all when kids were little and struggled to get back into work (or maybe the kind of fulfilling week they ideally wanted) when they wanted to return because loss of confidence/skills.

I went back to work fulltime when ds1 was 6 mo old. He was cared for by my mum and dh (so had excellent care). I hated it. Hated it. Missed him terribly. After 6 months I realised I was starting with depression. Gave in my notice and stopped work a couple of months later. Was a SAHM for the next 6 years then went back part-time when ds2 started school.

Have never regretted being a SAHP or going back to work subsequently. I do regret going back to work ft when ds1 was so little but that's all about me - he was totally fine and certainly benefitted from having 3 carers he was close to.