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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be refusing to travel in the snow tomorrow?

367 replies

BoyMeetsWorld · 01/03/2018 18:34

So tomorrow we are meant to be driving 4 hours across country to get the ferry abroad to a very special birthday party of DHs family.

I understand why it's so important to him.

But the roads outside are literally lethal and the forecast tomorrow is worse.

We would be travelling with 2 small children.

DH is adamant that I'm being ridiculous...that we are driving out of the bad weather and it's much better over in Dover, plus we'll be on mostly motorways.

I keep saying he can't account for other drivers, the kids are going to freeze if there are ferry delays or motorway accidents and overall I just think it's bloody dangerous. My mum's begging us not to go.

Obviously I support him going if he really feels he must. But I really really don't want the children- and therefore me - to go.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
Lovelyusername · 02/03/2018 16:01

He’s sad and disappointed, and probably grieving for the family / dad he doesn’t have. All complicated nasty emotions.

I’d say sorry to him for not going, you could have made it and it would have been OK. You didn’t want to risk it, fair enough. But he doesn’t have to be Alright about it either.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2018 16:32

There was an amber warning in effect. The road had tons of accidents and stranded vehicles. The shipping forecast was dire and the ferries were delayed at least 1.5 hours and subject to cancellation. And people are still of the opinion 'they could have made it'?

Fucking hell.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Smudge100 · 02/03/2018 17:31

You'd be risking your children's lives simply in order not to disappoint someone. They'll get over it and if they can't see the sense in your not going, they must be slightly mad anyway.

Turquoise123 · 02/03/2018 17:34

no one is going to be on his side on this one.

Why on earth can he not go on his own ? It's a party for his family.

End of I would think ?

thecatsabsentcojones · 02/03/2018 17:37

I'm in Kent, there are multiple accidents on the nearest motorways. Like loads of people on here I've got the car for these conditions but I still wouldn't be packing my two kids in it and setting off on a four hour journey. However my berk husband would consider it, wouldn't happen though.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/03/2018 17:37

Lovely why does OP have to apologise to her DH?

Many people on here have posted the roads have been awful today.

It was my DM's birthday yesterday. The first birthday since DF died. No other family around. We had planned to go and see her, she lives about 100 miles away. But we heeded the police advice about travelling. If we had gone up our return journey would have been a nightmare, all 3 main roads we would have gone on ended up being closed with people having to sleep in their cars. It never crossed our minds to give it a go, and my DM would not have wanted us to travel, in fact would have been worried sick. Even though it meant her having to spend her birthday on her own, which was obviously upsetting for all us. But in extreme weather conditions like this you just have to accept it.

It is not OP's fault that her DH's father is hard work. If the father wanted to see the grandchildren he could make more effort.

May09Bump · 02/03/2018 17:56

We are in the SE and our 4X4 with winter tyres is not coping, has slid getting back home from school (school is miles away) - we are not moving anywhere now. Not safe at all and if you get stuck with small ones, the car quickly becomes an ice box. If he must try - let him go himself. I'm sure his family wouldn't want your travelling in this wether no matter what.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 02/03/2018 17:57

Your husband is being completely irresponsible. No way should you drive. A birthday is not an emergency.

bsbabas · 02/03/2018 18:09

I know its alarmist but that seems a little abusive. Putting you in danger is not ok. He can't make you go so dont.

FaveNumberIs2 · 02/03/2018 18:14

Google accident on M62

Might change his mind.

randomuntrainedcuntowner · 02/03/2018 18:16

It only takes one accident to block the motorway, you end up in gridlocked traffic and sitting in your car overnight in sub zero temperatures? No thanks.

Willow2017 · 02/03/2018 18:18

Why the hell should OP apologise for keeping her kids safe?
The weather is unpredictable it could have been fine at thier front door and then a multi car pile up on a motorway if a blizzard came down.

He wanted to risk their lives for a man wont visit his son and grandchildren unless someone puts him up in home comforts but expects them to travel to a dangerous country to see him?
Fuck that.

The fact that it has only just been taken off the 'dangerous for westerners' list would be enough for me never mind the rest.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 02/03/2018 18:20

but the foreign office tend to err heavily on the side of caution

They don’t. They really don’t. And they usually put diplomatic concerns well above tourists. They knew there were terrible problems in Tunisia with ISIS coming in from Libya and there had already been one attack in Tunis at a museum and they still didn’t slap a travel ban on until 38 people were killed in Sousse.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/03/2018 18:28

He says it's forecast to turn to ice tonight so driving conditions first thing tomorrow would be more dangerous than they were today so we've missed our chance now

Does your DH not appreciate that you will have to return by the same route you went out? Has he considered both legs of the journey?

He is being ridiculous I’m afraid. The party for a 100 yr old with dementia is a total irrelevance. The purpose of the trip was to present his children to his patently uninterested father (which sounds pathetically needy to me but that’s a whole different thread).

He needs to get a grip, direct his disappointment where it belongs and let you off the hook.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 02/03/2018 18:36

DH literally isn't speaking to me, only the DCs. It just feels really unfair but the trouble is I know in his head he 100% believes he's right and I've completely over reacted and ruined an opportunity for his family to see the children, just out of spite. So if he truly believes that, he's not acting out of nasty behaviour. And there's nothing I can say, I just have to accept the brunt of his mood and know it was the right thing to do.

I'm scared and disturbed by how willing you are to accept shitty treatment, OP. I could be totally wrong but it sounds like you aren't a very confident person (anxious traveller, accepting orders from your husband to pack) and he is behaving like a bully. You should be pissed off at his dickishness, not blaming yourself.

This COULD be an isolated incident and he's usually a lovely partner, but I find that unlikely...

TheNoseyProject · 02/03/2018 18:37

You need to stop going on about it to him one op. You won, you got what you wanted. He’s perfectly entitled to be disappointed and having you constantly justifying how right you were is just rubbing salt in the wound.

The people on this thread seem to have it in for your husband and it’s getting a bit gloating and witch hunt-sequel. Over what is really a small scale disagreement and understandable disappointment.

BewareOfDragons · 02/03/2018 18:37

He needs to address why exactly he was so willing to put all of your lives at risk for a man who doesn’t give a shit. Yes he’s looking for his father’s love and attention because he was abandoned as a child, but he needs to address that as an adult and as a father himself. His twat if a father will fly to France to see someone who doesn’t recognise him because he gets Kudos from doing so. He won’t visit his grandchildren because he won’t sleep in a single bed or stay in a hotel despite being able to afford it. He’s a twat. Your husband needs to stop seeking approval from him and he needs to look at his own parenting. Having favourites and acting like a twat, making his son cry to visit family...it’s shit parenting and he needs to wise up, and fast.

This.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/03/2018 18:48

I agree though with Nosey, time to let it go. Let him come to terms with the disappointment in his own time. Don’t badger him to forgive you. If you behave normally sooner or later he will too.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2018 18:49

'You won, you got what you wanted'

You really see putting the lives of your family at risk during a blizzard with an amber warning and repeated pleas by authorities not to travel unless essential as a competition, witch-hunt and something to throw the teddy out the pram about? You sound about as mature as the husband here. If not risking your children's safety and health is 'getting what you want' and 'winning' you need to have your head examined.

TheNoseyProject · 02/03/2018 18:54

The op said her anxiety dictates their lives a lot. That must make it very hard to judge when she’s being anxious and when she’s right.

simiisme · 02/03/2018 19:03

YANBU. It's sheet ice in and around Dover - don't be fooled by the lack of snow!
I work in Dover and was sent home at 12:30 today due to treacherous conditions on the roads.
It is always disappointing to miss a big family gathering, but I'm sure they'd prefer you to be safe at home than making a dangerous journey.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/03/2018 19:05

The op said her anxiety dictates their lives a lot. That must make it very hard to judge when she’s being anxious and when she’s right.

Perhaps, but not in this case. The media is awash with information and advice, all telling people categorically not to embark on non-essential journeys.

Butterymuffin · 02/03/2018 19:11

they'd prefer you to be safe at home than making a dangerous journey

And this is what sensible, responsible parents would tell their kids who now have children of their own. It's what mine would tell me.

Pinkfrangipani · 02/03/2018 19:16

Fuck that for a joke. There’s no way I’d take my children to a country where a travel ban has just been lifted
**
Exactly this ^^

TheNoseyProject · 02/03/2018 19:16

Depending on where you are. That is not the case round me or within a fairly large radius.

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