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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be refusing to travel in the snow tomorrow?

367 replies

BoyMeetsWorld · 01/03/2018 18:34

So tomorrow we are meant to be driving 4 hours across country to get the ferry abroad to a very special birthday party of DHs family.

I understand why it's so important to him.

But the roads outside are literally lethal and the forecast tomorrow is worse.

We would be travelling with 2 small children.

DH is adamant that I'm being ridiculous...that we are driving out of the bad weather and it's much better over in Dover, plus we'll be on mostly motorways.

I keep saying he can't account for other drivers, the kids are going to freeze if there are ferry delays or motorway accidents and overall I just think it's bloody dangerous. My mum's begging us not to go.

Obviously I support him going if he really feels he must. But I really really don't want the children- and therefore me - to go.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
Original poster
BoyMeetsWorld · 02/03/2018 09:27

FiL only here until Tues. I've suggested we go tomorrow but DH keeps saying the weather forecasts and roads are no different then than today so if we aren't going today we aren't going then and that's that's.

He's said he knows everything I'm saying is right but wants me to just stop going on about it basically. It doesn't make it any better that we could have made it if we'd set off early when the roads were quiet and just gone slowly.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoyMeetsWorld · 02/03/2018 09:29

The party obviously can't be moved. But he's not bothered about that really, only seeing his dad with the kids.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/03/2018 09:31

I think you need to stop feeling guilty and pushing the point because you are doubting your decision. Its made it was a perfectly sensible one to make given the information that you have

ForgivenessIsDivine · 02/03/2018 09:31

He is wrong about the weather. The high winds are forecast for today only. .. there is ice forecast in the weather warning tomorrow until 9am but after that temperatures and snow forecast on both sides of the channel are reasonable. There is no reason not to go tomorrow and enjoy at least Sunday and Monday together. Book it, pack and get in the car tomorrow... he can come with you or Taylor at home and sulk...

DontCallMeCharlotte · 02/03/2018 09:34

It seems you were right OP. Show him this:

twitter.com/kentpoliceroads/status/969494162163818496

www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/uk-43202018

Deux · 02/03/2018 09:34

So your DH is saying that he won’t go tomorrow, 24 hours later than originally intended? Oh my, but why, what’s his logic? That’s terrible. So he’ll cut his nose off to spite his face, sulk and be miserable instead whilst taking it out on you?

I think you could reasonably tell him he's being ridiculous and he needs to snap out of it. Unless of course he’s secretly/subconsciously quite happy not to go and have to deal with his father.

elisenbrunnen · 02/03/2018 09:52

So multiple crashes on the M20 and A2 this morning, and sheet ice on the motorways, and the Police saying don't travel.... And he still thinks he'd have been ok? I'm sure most (if not all) of the people in those crashes thought exactly the same.

And I wouldn't be breaking my neck, and those of my children, to visit someone who cant even be bothered to come to the UK and put up in a hotel.

Original poster
BoyMeetsWorld · 02/03/2018 09:52

He says it's forecast to turn to ice tonight so driving conditions first thing tomorrow would be more dangerous than they were today so we've missed our chance now

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/03/2018 09:57

OP I wonder now if your anxiety it not kicking in about having made the decision. You yourself say that he agrees with you now and knows you are right, that the icy conditions tomorrow are probably worse (and he may well be correct). You need to let him now be upset that he has missed the chance with his Dad who clearly does not bother with him.

With the greatest respect continuing to question the decision is starting to make it a little bit about you and your insecurities

Bindibot · 02/03/2018 09:58

I'll be honest OP people like your 'D'H piss the fuck out of me...

The last time the weather was really bad, I was still Nursing so me traveling to work was essential. Because stupid fuckers were blocking the roads I was late to work which mean my counterpart was late leaving. She couldn't get home which mean leaving her children with a childminder for 2 days (I'd arrived with an overnight bag having agreed to cover her if she couldn't get in).

A party no matter what age and a disinterested Grandfather is not essential travel.If he can't be bothered to visit you, why should you risk your children's health, and your sanity (stuck in a car with 2 young kids for hours and hours; and even if you got on the ferry it will be choppy).

FleurDeLizzie · 02/03/2018 09:59

You made the best decision you could at the time with the information you had, so remember that and don’t beat yourself up

Absolutely this. I would have done exactly the same in your shoes.
My dh has family around the country and this scenario has happened to us numerous times over the years. Dh gets sulky if I put my foot down, but put my foot down I do.

He said yesterday "you're always so bloody risk averse!!" I mean, as if that's a bad thing?? As it happens, the roads stayed clear and we would very likely have had no problems. But where is hindsight when you need it? You have done nothing wrong.

Popfan · 02/03/2018 10:01

If he says everything you are saying is right then it sounds like he does agree with you but is bitterly disappointed about something that was incredibly important to him. Your fil has a lot to answer for - he can make it to France but not to England. A horrible message to send out to your dh.

Passportto · 02/03/2018 10:02

So you've missed the party, whats to stop you going for a visit next weekend, if it's so important to him to see her sooner rather than later?

Original poster
BoyMeetsWorld · 02/03/2018 10:03

Quartz you're totally right, thank you - that's a helpful perspective. He's bound to be upset and entitled to be, he's actually said it's not my fault...so I need to just stick to my decision knowing it was for the best and give him some space without getting hung up on it.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
DeathByGlamour · 02/03/2018 10:03

OP. Your DH obviously has deep seated issues with his own father. You cannot do anything about that. Your DH has admitted you are right so just leave it now. Your DH has asked you to stop talking about it so just leave him to his issues and get on with your day. You said this is out of character so let your DH have his sulk or whatever and I am sure by later on he will be fine. Don't keep pushing the point. You were definitely in the right not to go.

ilovesushi · 02/03/2018 10:04

Don't go! My husband spent 11 hours trapped in his vehicle overnight in Dorset. He checked the weather forecast in the morning did a risk assessment with work, but things changed for the worse. He got in at 6am. Not worth it.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/03/2018 10:04

You definitely made the right decision not to go, however, looking at it
from your DH's point of view, you won't go to see his father in his own country and now this (which as I said was the right thing to do). Do your
anxieties stop you doing much else OP? Maybe he is is fed up with being ruled by them that he honestly just sees this as another anxiety
rather than a plausible reason not to travel. If that makes any sense. You say that he is not a bad or abusive husband and that he is usually good about your anxieties but maybe this has just pushed him over the edge and he can't see the wood for the trees.

PeaPodPopper · 02/03/2018 10:05

Op, don't let him bully you, you've made absolutely the right decision.
In bad weather, stay put as you don't just put yourselves at risk, you put the lives off the emergency service workers at risk too.

Years ago, I was the named driver of a hired van for a group of us - with children)to drive to a cottage in the Yorkshire dales.
Then the '87 storm raised its head and all unnecessary travel was advised not to be undertaken. So I decided not to go.

I found out later one of the others volunteered to drive - not sure if she was insured or not. Anyhoo, the storm hit, and when they finally got there they had no power and the cottage was flooded!

Follow your instinct my lovely!

calmandbright · 02/03/2018 10:05

Nah not worth it!

ineedaholidaynow · 02/03/2018 10:05

Does your DH realise how hard his father makes things? Yes it would be nice if he could see his grandchildren but it appears that you are expected to do all the running and not his father.

It's not like his father is incapacitated so can't travel.

Could you try and arrange to meet up somewhere later in the year?

TamzinGrey · 02/03/2018 10:11

I live in Kent and have been following a very helpful Facebook Group called Kent Traffic and Travel. People currently on the M20 heading towards Dover are reporting numerous accidents due to freezing rain and black ice. The local advice is to avoid the area at all costs.

You did the right thing OP.

19lottie82 · 02/03/2018 10:23

Fucking hell. I’m sorry but there is no way on gods earth I’d be putting up with your husbands sulking and huffing.

Sit him down, show him the news online about crashes and say to him calmly but firmly, one last time that you are not prepare to put your kids at risk and that’s the end of it. By not accepting it and continuing to sulk he’s not doing yourself or himself any favours and he’s acting like a spoilt child. If he doesn’t snap out of it then you are going to have even bigger problems so you suggest he rethinks his attitude ASAP

Dietordietrying · 02/03/2018 10:25

It's not just the dad not wanting to come to the UK though - the OP said she refuses to visit him in his home country as well. So her husband's stuck in the middle, wanting to see his dad and trying to appease his wife. He's obviously very disappointed about the trip being cancelled and while he's not handling that upset well, I do think some of the names he's being called are nasty and uncalled for. This isn't a LTB scenario!

That said, he's silly cutting off his nose to spite his face by ruling out trying to get there tomorrow or Sun as the temperature is rising over and the ice will melt. Granted he'd have less time with his dad, but something is better than nothing.

Goldmonday · 02/03/2018 10:27

You have made the right choice not going, I love in Kent and haven't been able to make it to work for 4 days as the weather has been so bad

Pinkfrangipani · 02/03/2018 10:32

It's not fair to blame OP's anxiety for being unwilling to travel to a country that has had a travel warning imposed!
I'm in a similar situation, PIL live in a country that doesn't currently have any official warning but I'm still not comfortable taking my young family there.

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