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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be refusing to travel in the snow tomorrow?

367 replies

BoyMeetsWorld · 01/03/2018 18:34

So tomorrow we are meant to be driving 4 hours across country to get the ferry abroad to a very special birthday party of DHs family.

I understand why it's so important to him.

But the roads outside are literally lethal and the forecast tomorrow is worse.

We would be travelling with 2 small children.

DH is adamant that I'm being ridiculous...that we are driving out of the bad weather and it's much better over in Dover, plus we'll be on mostly motorways.

I keep saying he can't account for other drivers, the kids are going to freeze if there are ferry delays or motorway accidents and overall I just think it's bloody dangerous. My mum's begging us not to go.

Obviously I support him going if he really feels he must. But I really really don't want the children- and therefore me - to go.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
Popfan · 02/03/2018 08:36

Really glad you are not travelling and you did the right thing.
I do understand your DH's massive disappointment though and it sounds as though he doesn't usually behave like this. He's obviously not thinking straight for some reason and I hope after a while he'll see it was the right decision too.

Original poster
BoyMeetsWorld · 02/03/2018 08:40

This is going to be hideous if it carries on like this with 3 days stuck in the house with him palpably blaming me. The problem is it really does look fine outside apart from the wind and there are cars driving around....Im really not sure our marriage is going to get past this completely now. And I just feel like crying because I'm not sure what I've actually done wrong.

It might have been ok if we went. it probably would have been. But in this weather there's a much bigger chance than any other time that it might not and how could I knowingly put the kids into that situation? I can't even contemplate losing them or something happening to them.

FiL could come and visit us anytime but never ever comes to England.. .he only goes where he has free accommodation for him and his latest wife. We have no spare room (even if we gave them one of the kids rooms it's only a single and that won't do, & he won't come without the wife). And he won't get a b&b for a few days although he could definitely afford it. So I'm a huge bone of contention anyway because I've stopped us going to them in a country that has only just been lifted from a travel warning for western travellers. And his dad's only seen the kids maybe 4 or 5 times ever.

Really struggling today. I just keep saying to myself I didn't make this weather, that wasn't me.

OP posts:
fc301 · 02/03/2018 08:41

I'm so glad you didn't go. The advice is not to travel unless absolutely necessary, not pile your kids in the car for a cross continental journey. Words fail.
Your DH is being a massive arsehole!!
Please don't tolerate his bad behaviour. You have acted to safeguard your DC. You need to stop justifying yourself now. Stay firm on the moral high ground.
When he's calmed down and stopped sulking I would give him both barrels.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/03/2018 08:44

Well bully for you wakemeupbefore Hmm

"and saw so many utter idiots driving like total loons, with no understnding how to control a car in 3 inches of snow"

Not everyone has a vehicle that copes with this kind of weather. Not everyone has snow tyres. I have a 4WD but live on a hill. My car copes pretty well with snow, but I still would not take stupid risks.

And it's cue, not queue.

SillySallySingsSongs · 02/03/2018 08:44

I think his reaction is also partly due to the fact, as you have said his DGM won't be around much longer.

If she is really that poorly can you not suggest going next weekend?

LittleLionMansMummy · 02/03/2018 08:48

Does he always give you the silent treatment when he doesn't get his own way op?

Bil does this for days on end. He's also a massive wanker.

fc301 · 02/03/2018 08:49

He's being such a massive twat I'm struggling to have sympathy for him.
He is gaslighting you. He has attempted to override you.
He didn't 'win' now he is punishing you by sulking.
He is still looking to his absent father for approval and is prepared to shelve his concern for his kids to avoid upsetting his Dad (ashamed to say I've been there & got the T shirt).
Tell him to grow up and get help.

Mogleflop · 02/03/2018 08:49

He's got issues with his dad from the sounds of it, he's angry at him, and taking it all out on you. You'd probably have had some mood even if they'd met up.

It's shitty and not very grown up of him, but then that part of him won't have ever really grown up.

You could presumably drive tomorrow?

Whatever happens once the storm is over, you need to tackle this with him and insist he starts sorting himself out. Counselling, whatever. He can't treat you like this for the rest of your life.

SouthWestmom · 02/03/2018 08:49

Do posters not realise that the snow isn't the same across the country 😕 we are in Kent and the motorways are fine. If the route is only motorways I'm not surprised the husband is disappointed, he can only judge what he sees.

ChishandFips33 · 02/03/2018 08:52

If his dad desperately wants to see his grandchildren he would make some effort, it shouldn't all be on your DHs shoulders??

Could this be more about your DH 're-earning' his DFs approval/love after he walked out on him as a child.

Karigan1 · 02/03/2018 08:55

Phone the ferry line. There may not be a ferry anyway....

Clutterbugsmum · 02/03/2018 08:58

Tell your husband if he is so convinced he is right then he can fuck off and go see his family, but he is not putting his wife and children and at risk. Or he can get his head out of his arse be a parent and enjoy the next few days happy with his children.

Oh and if he comtinues to ignore, be rude to you he will find out how it feels because you will not be doing anything for him until he apologises and means it for his behaviour. YOU will not be cooking, cleaning for him until he does.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/03/2018 08:58

I missed my GM's 100th birthday as I had norovirus, shit happens, literally! I was only a few hours off the 48 hour period but couldn't risk making her or any of the other residents of the nursing home ill. I was really disappointed but everyone understood.

It would appear in OP's case GM won't even know they won't be there due to dementia Sad

I would not be making a journey like that in weather conditions we are having at the moment. So many people have got caught out, so many people had to sleep in their cars in freezing conditions last night.

Your DH is behaving really badly.

Original poster
BoyMeetsWorld · 02/03/2018 09:07

Feel like I've made a huge mistake on basis of Noeufs posts but too late now anyway.

Just had a bit of a meltdown as DH was being so cold with me. He said he doesn't blame me but is just very upset but I said it feels like I'm being blamed. But he does still feel it would have been fine which is what I think he won't forgive me for. And by the sounds of it it would gave been. He says he can see there were no accidents on our routes.. .it would have been all motorway.

It is all 100% about his dad seeing the kids. He says he can't control forcing his dad to come to us, & I won't go to his dad so this was the only chance.

OP posts:
elisenbrunnen · 02/03/2018 09:10

How long will fil be in OP? Presumably you can change your ferry tickets to a few days later? It's dues to be quite warm in SE in a few days.

Notonthestairs · 02/03/2018 09:11

Why not agree to review the travel today and maybe go tomorrow?

Mogleflop · 02/03/2018 09:11

Why? If it's that important why can't they organise another meeting tomorrow? I don't get it.

SouthWestmom · 02/03/2018 09:12

I'm not saying you've made a mistake, I don't know the route you are taking.

All I'm saying is that he isn't quite as vile etc or a 'bullying cunt' just because Cornwall can't move.

Not everywhere is the same - I made it to work yesterday, someone twenty minutes away didn't.

MiniCooperLover · 02/03/2018 09:14

OP, I think if I were in your shoes I'd say something like 'look we disagree on whether it was safe or not for our family, we've made the decision now and frankly I can't accept your sulking or treating me this way so please stop it. You're being very unpleasant and it's not a side of you I like'. Now I KNOW that's easy for me to say as I'm not there but I'd like to think I'd say that or similar.

namechange2222 · 02/03/2018 09:16

I live rurally in Kent but further towards north Kent. I've been snowed in for four days. The main roads are clear today but many side raids are too dangerous to drive safely on. We have some drizzle atm but snow forecast later

Quartz2208 · 02/03/2018 09:20

I think you both need to look at it this way. First off this is not your anxiety in play. Secondly the weather conditions meant that a decision needed to be made - one which probably 70/30 would go in your favour because more people are risk averse than risk takers.

The fact is yes it could have been fine - in fact it was probably likely to be 80/90% fine but 10/20% not and its weighing those odds that mean that most people would not risk it. And actually within that the chances of a serious accident are low, but the chances of causing damage to the car, getting stuck somewhere in the car etc is what makes it so high.

That is what he really needs to see I think

ForgivenessIsDivine · 02/03/2018 09:21

The weather is much better tomorrow ... can't you go then instead?

Butterymuffin · 02/03/2018 09:21

If he's willing to sacrifice your marriage for his selfish wanker of a father, who won't make any effort to come to you, that is a big black mark against him. He would take his kids on a risky journey when his dad won't even pay for a hotel room to come and stay near you? Not the right priorities. I would be angry about this and telling him that the kids would always be my priority, even over my own parents, and it is very disappointing to see that they don't come first for him. Don't let him put you in the wrong here. It's his dad who's being selfish and the kids shouldn't be treated thoughtlessly to appease a selfish family member. He is letting them down as their dad.

GladAllOver · 02/03/2018 09:22

As many people here and elsewhere have reported, having a 4WD does not mean you can drive in snow. You still slide about when the tyres lose their grip.
To drive in snow, you need proper snow tyres. And they won't help you get to your destination if the cars in front and behind you don't have them.

Deux · 02/03/2018 09:25

There was always a danger that the weather forecast would be wrong or it would turn out not to be as bad as predicted. The opposite is also the case.

You made the best decision you could at the time with the information you had, so remember that and don’t beat yourself up.

What are your options now? Can you travel to Dover now and stay in a hotel and get a ferry tomorrow? Can you go another route? A later ferry? Fly? Eurostar? You must have other options surely?

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