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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh has been moaning about me to friends

241 replies

Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 13:55

Dh planned a trip away with friends last week and they went away. I was annoyed that me and dd don't get a holiday and was a bit off with dh but not a major falling out or anything but made it known I was a bit upset about us missing out on the chance of break while he went to his lads weekend.

Anyway dh shared a room with one of his friends. Me and his friend have been friends on Facebook for years and years. We aren't close as we don't see each other a lot but I went to school with him and he is dh best friend.
I just went to tag dh in a post with his best friend and saw that I have been deleted by the friend. We were friends last week when they were away. I have checked and he has some of my friends on there that he doesn't talk to and other friends from school etc so he's not went on a deleting spree or anything.
I am so hurt because it's obvious he doessnt like me if he's deleted me.
I asked dh about it and asked if he had been discussing why I was narky but he got really defensive and said he has said nothing.
I'm now crying upset because it's horrible to realise your the friends girlfriend nobody likes and I thought me and dh were really happy.
There's just no other reason I can think of why he doesn't like me. I don't post a lot on Facebook so I'm not annoying online or anything. Aibu to distrust what dh is saying and believe that I have been bitched and moaned about?

OP posts:
youngnomore · 01/03/2018 15:49

As pp have said. If he’s that close to you. Why can’t you just ask him?

Blackteadrinker77 · 01/03/2018 15:51

Please look in to building your self esteem.

This isn't normal to worry about things so minor and be convinced people are talking about you and disliking you.

ChaosNeverRains · 01/03/2018 15:57

I too have just advance searched your previous posts. And to be frank I don’t care whether it’s about self esteem or not. If this was a woman posting about her partner the entire collective would be telling her that he is controlling, manipulative, and she needs to leave because he is emotionally abusing her.

You have gone over and above to try and sabotage your dh’s relationships with his friends, his family, and you do so with the adage that really he agrees with you but just doesn’t want to admit it. Typical emotionally abusive, gaslighting behaviour.

I’d imagine that the friend has likely unfriended you because you’re emotionally abusing his friend and he thinks his friend would be better off out of the relationship.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/03/2018 15:57

I reckon it's more of a case of 'I've known him since the stone age' kind of closeness @youngnomore rather than a closeness built on shared mutual communication, as it were.

In anycase OP - whilst I see your point; I do think your reaction is very OTT. I also think your H has (been) behaved appallingly.

lostintheplace · 01/03/2018 15:57

  1. completely get why you're upset. I think his behaviour is selfish but we all need a break sometime, so it's just one of those things.

  2. NO WAY is it because of your facebook use. I feel like people are very ignorant here.

  3. If I found my partner's friend annoying, i'd only ever unfollow them on facebook so their posts don't show, i'd never delete because then the other person doesn't have to know and it means you save face.

  4. This guy knows you're around to stay so deleting you makes no sense in terms of not liking you as it'll make future situations awkward and that's not in someone's normal behaviour.

  5. I genuinely think that something has happened. Either there's posts he doesn't want you to see, i.e. not realised his profile is public.
    Or he's worried about having to see you on facebook because he knows something...that's where my gut would go...

lostintheplace · 01/03/2018 16:00

Actually i've got a good example.

My DP, we're in our twenties, no kids. He has a great friend from uni and been with his Mrs a long time. They just had a kid together. My DP has them both on facebook. This friend's girlfriend continuously posts pics of their newborn, like 5 a day and DP HATES IT, takes the mick with it, jokes about it with other friends.

SO HE UNFOLLOWED HER FROM HIS NEWSFEED. That's all. Never sees a post but theyre still friends and she's none the wiser.

EVERY ONE USE YOUR BRAIN.

It is not petty to wonder?!!!!! You don't make a decision about one of your BEST FRIENDS and their partner that quickly and loosely.

There's a reason for it. I bet you.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 16:01

I also think your H has (been) behaved appallingly.

By accepting a gift of his parent and not letting his partner guilt trip him into dropping his friends?

He’s done nothing wrong. His parents paid for the trip.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/03/2018 16:07

By accepting a gift of his parent and not letting his partner guilt trip him into dropping his friends?

I too would piss off on a jolly whilst my wife and child hadn't had a look-in for about 4/5 years. A family unit means nothing, if my parents have given me any money then I feel I am entitled to use it without any consideration for my wife and child. Righto.

ferntwist · 01/03/2018 16:10

OP you have my support. No way do you sound controlling or trying to cut your partner off from his friends. You’ve been saying you want to do things with them all like BBQs. Your DH needs to get on your side. Any way you could get away for a short while, even to visit family/friends. How old are you all?

user1474652148 · 01/03/2018 16:11

Elton

In a marriage it is perfectly reasonable to expect a family holiday and for lads holidays not to take priority. Quite frankly most of us have outgrown this kind of thing, hit I am not totally sure I agree that he is ‘entitled’ to a lads break over and above a holiday together regardless of who is paying.
Secondly it is sad his parents decided to fund it rather than helping with a holiday for all of them. Enabling him to go without her, and leaving her behind.
I don’t think this is as cut and dried as you are making out actually.

Butteredparsn1ps · 01/03/2018 16:14

OP you say you don't like the rest of DH/DPs friendship group except for his best friend. What do you imagine, when you think about hosting this group of people you don't like? Why is it important to be the host?

Nicknacky · 01/03/2018 16:14

But the op said she wouldn’t have went on holiday anyway. And it’s 3 days he was away. 3 days! I couldn’t bedruge him this as much as the op and other posters have.

And his parents gave him £200, you wouldn’t be able to take a family away for that.

user1474652148 · 01/03/2018 16:15

Are his parents kind to you op?
I think the bigger issue is that your dh is not prioritising you or dd. He is prioritising lads holidays. This would upset me too. If you were able to afford both that would be one thing, and a girls weekend for you. That would be fair.
But you are left home holding the baby whilst he is living it up doing whatever. Who wouldn’t be pissed off when you can’t afford to go away this year Hmm

DistanceCall · 01/03/2018 16:16

It may be that the husband is behaving appallingly. It may be that the OP is being controlling. We can't really tell, as we aren't there.

What seems to me to be pretty clear, OP, is that you rely on your partner and his life and his friends for your own wellbeing. That's really, really not healthy.

DearMrDilkington · 01/03/2018 16:16

I agree with everything Elton has said.

BillieN0mates · 01/03/2018 16:16

I think you're probably right. Your gut is probably telling you something that you sense, that your husband isn't loyal to you and is casting himself as a victim.

Instead of getting too caught up in what his friend thinks of you though, make sure that you are looking after yourself. Practically, Financially, Emotionally. Etc...

ChaosNeverRains · 01/03/2018 16:16

VladmirsPoutine that depends though doesn’t it? The OP objected to hosting Christmas, to having her DP’s family to stay, tried to block this trip in advance, and now she’s been unfriended by one of the friends she’s blown that up into nobody likes her and she doesn’t want to socialise with any of them any more....

And she’s demanded to know what her partner has said to the friend that would have caused him to unfriend her. Maybe he didn’t say anything. Or maybe, more likely, he talked about how controlling his partner is and they talked about how to deal with this in the long-term.

Interestingly I know someone who is in almost an identacle situation, partner has cut him off from his friends, is attempting to cut him off from his family by ensuring that they don’t feel welcome in their house or always having things to do when they want to come down. In their situation it’s not about money but they don’t do family holidays any more because any family holiday ends in arguments, her threatening to leave, having screaming matches at him in public.

I have absolutely no doubt that if she came on here she could paint him as the unreasonable one but he absolutely isn’t.

Perhaps rather than suggesting that he’s unreasonable for going on holiday with money the family gave him it might be worth wondering whether the OP has used money as another reason to keep him from his friends, and given she’s as good as openly admitted that she doesn’t like his family the friends wil be the next to go.

user1474652148 · 01/03/2018 16:17

Nick

3 days is better than nothing - and yes you can of course go away for as a family for two hundred pounds duh?!

Jenasaurus · 01/03/2018 16:18

BlondeB83 - I thought the same as you.

I know you say they have a public account and you can see what they post even if you are not a friend, but they can post photos and change settings to, friends only so could be that they have some holiday pics he thinks you may not like

Nicknacky · 01/03/2018 16:19

user I cant remember if the op posted her child’s age but the child is from a previous relationship so won’t be a baby.

And she said she wouldn’t go on a girls holiday so her husband can’t reciprocate.

DistanceCall · 01/03/2018 16:19

Go away as a family for 200 quid? Where is this bargainous destination, pray?

Nicknacky · 01/03/2018 16:19

user where can you take a family of three for 3 days for £200?

VladmirsPoutine · 01/03/2018 16:20

I think the OP needs to get herself to counselling alone to get to bottom of why she reacts the way she does and feels how she does. Who knows if it's a husband issue or if the OP is a highly-strung individual regardless. But either way, some help can guide you to see what's what in your life.

Cakefortea1 · 01/03/2018 16:20

I’ve hidden my best friends dh on Facebook as his posts really annoy me but I like him in real life. I’ve also hidden a good friend I’ve known for 30 years! Still love her! Just not her FB persona.

user1474652148 · 01/03/2018 16:22

Nick

They are married ffs. Left holding the baby is a saying - it evans she is eft at home doing all the drudgery whilst he is off enjoying himself.

They can’t afford a family holiday so it is grossly unfair to go on a lads weekend. He should have put the 200 into a kitty to try and get the all away ad thereby prioritising his relationship with his wife.
Man child needs to grow a set and understand the meaning of marriage and commitment

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