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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh has been moaning about me to friends

241 replies

Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 13:55

Dh planned a trip away with friends last week and they went away. I was annoyed that me and dd don't get a holiday and was a bit off with dh but not a major falling out or anything but made it known I was a bit upset about us missing out on the chance of break while he went to his lads weekend.

Anyway dh shared a room with one of his friends. Me and his friend have been friends on Facebook for years and years. We aren't close as we don't see each other a lot but I went to school with him and he is dh best friend.
I just went to tag dh in a post with his best friend and saw that I have been deleted by the friend. We were friends last week when they were away. I have checked and he has some of my friends on there that he doesn't talk to and other friends from school etc so he's not went on a deleting spree or anything.
I am so hurt because it's obvious he doessnt like me if he's deleted me.
I asked dh about it and asked if he had been discussing why I was narky but he got really defensive and said he has said nothing.
I'm now crying upset because it's horrible to realise your the friends girlfriend nobody likes and I thought me and dh were really happy.
There's just no other reason I can think of why he doesn't like me. I don't post a lot on Facebook so I'm not annoying online or anything. Aibu to distrust what dh is saying and believe that I have been bitched and moaned about?

OP posts:

DearMrDilkington · 01/03/2018 15:14

It doesn't matter how long you've known him for, how often did you genuinely speak to each other without it including your dh?

DistanceCall · 01/03/2018 15:14

Let's assume, yes, this guy thinks you're a bitch and he's defriended you.

So what? What is so terrible about it?

jacks11 · 01/03/2018 15:19

I think you are over-reacting. There are many reasons your DH's friend may have de-friended you. Even if it is for the reason you think, I think crying about it is a sign of deeper problems TBH.

Look, it's perfectly normal for people to talk to their friends about issues they are having. So even if your DH did have a moan about your argument (and you don't know whether he did or not), then he hasn't really done anything wrong. It wouldn't be normal to expect to be able to police your spouse's friendships like that.

If his friend deleted you off the back of a moan your DH had, then that's his decision, your DH isn't to blame.

I think it may be more beneficial for you to try and concentrate on the reasons you feel so bad about this- lack of self-esteem and support network, for instance. I'd also be considering whether Facebook is a good thing for you or maybe a break would be in order.

Original poster

Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 15:19

Because when it comes to weddings and plus ones and gatherings I'm going to have to go with dh and be amongst a group that don't actually like me or want to be my friend. I would like to have went out more with them and invited to have bbqs etc but not now.

Dh was going to use family money towards trip but his parents gave him 200 towards it cause they knew things were hard. So a bit of both really.
I was just gutted cause the last getaway we got together was 2013. I wouldn't have been considered a holiday at this stage with the house though.
Dh best friend was the only one I actually liked. I find the other ones a bit immature but so does dh and he spends more time with this one. They shared a room together, I think it's obvious they would talk.
Of course I moan to my friend sometimes too but she takes it as this is what couples are like and as long as he didn't hurt me in any way then she wouldn't go deleting him from Facebook.

OP posts:

chestylarue52 · 01/03/2018 15:21

If one of my friends deleted a partner from Facebook there is no way on earth I’d confront them about it. It’s so minor and petty.

You choose to prioritise money on diy. Your husband has taken a gift from family and used it to go away with his friends. I don’t see the problem.

Frankly you sound exhausting.

MadMags · 01/03/2018 15:22

What do you think went on?

Look, you can’t make people like you. It’s that simple.

So what? You can’t force his friends to be your friends!

DistanceCall · 01/03/2018 15:23

These are your partner's friends. It doesn't matter what they think about you, as long as they are polite. They don't have to like you, and you don't have to like them.

You need to find your own friends. It sounds like you are much too dependent on your partner.

DearMrDilkington · 01/03/2018 15:24

I remember you now, didn't you ignore your dhs texts to you whilst he was away?

Original poster

Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 15:26

No I didn't ignore any of his texts

OP posts:

DearMrDilkington · 01/03/2018 15:27

Ah sorry I thought you said on the previous thread that you couldn't stand to reply to him..

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 15:27

OP, I did an advanced search purely to see if you mentioned if you were actually married or not and came across your previous thread.

You’ve been hugely kicking off over this trip for ages. And it’s not family money at all that paid for it is it? In fact you said that he couldn’t spend money on it so his family paid for the trip as a gift so he could still go because they knew you wanted to stop him.

From reading your previous thread you’ve been a complete martyr and tried to ruin the trip for him blaming everything from your lack of a social life to difficulties you have taking time off work and your own lack of friends. But when you do have the opportunity to do things you make a martyr of yourself finding excuses not to. And you’re antagonistic towards his family and want to limit the time he spends with them. And you don’t like him spending time with his friends because you don’t have many of your own? And you really are very much an introvert who isn’t keen on having friends and enjoys being alone? And is it correct that your he’s not dd’s father either?

Sorry, but I think you need to tread really carefully here. From what I’m getting from your other posts it seems that you are making a concerted effort to cut your DP off from his friends and family and are massively controlling and think he should be with you alone.

And it also appears that his family and friends are completely aware you are doing this and are trying to support him to stop it happening.

Sorry OP, but you can’t expect to try and cut off your partners friends and family and have them like you too. They are mutually exclusive things.

I think you are on extremely dangerous grounds and might be looking at the end of your relationship unless you modify your behaviour. What you’re doing is a form of abuse.

ChaosNeverRains · 01/03/2018 15:29

So why exactly do you think that this whole group doesn’t like you?

And how in God’s name did one unfriending on facebook of all places end up turning into a whole friendship group not liking you and not wanting you around?

user1474652148 · 01/03/2018 15:29

Did dh and friend have a row? Maybe they are not talking and he has deleted you both? Typically maybe dh does not think this is a big deal.
If you have known him for ages why don’t you call him and check everything is okay?
Maybe he did it be accident...
Either way just relax. It is no big deal. Your relationship sounds not great and your dh quite selfish so aside from this that is where your energies and focus should be

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 15:30

I'm going to have to go with dh and be amongst a group that don't actually like me or want to be my friend. I would like to have went out more with them and invited to have bbqs etc but not now.

You see. This is where you’re going with this isn’t it? You’re now going to refuse to spend time with his friends and make him feel bad whenever he does in the hope that he’ll just give up his friends.

You want him isolated and dependent on you. Textbook emotional abuse.

steff13 · 01/03/2018 15:31

Look, you can’t make people like you. It’s that simple.

True. Personally, I love my best friend's husband. She complains about him to me sometimes, but that is the nature of marriage and friendship. I commiserate with her, but it doesn't affect how I feel about him because I know him. Now, if she told me he was abusing her or cheating, of course that would affect how I feel about him, but just general complaints, no. So, OP, you need to just be yourself around these people and they will either like you or they won't.

CherryMaDeary · 01/03/2018 15:32

I was looking forward to having them round and hosting but now I feel I've been made a fool off and I'm not liked.

I wouldn't want them round either.

DistanceCall · 01/03/2018 15:32

Ouf.

I agree with a PP. Having looked at your previous threads, you sound completely exhausting, OP.

You say you have low self-esteem. I think you should work on that, preferably with a professional. You can't expect others to make you happy. It's you who have to find what makes you happy, and work towards that.

Risen · 01/03/2018 15:32

He might want to post pictures of the weekend away or something but not want your DH to get any stick for it.

This.

SciFiLover · 01/03/2018 15:34

You sound like you have incredibly low self confidence.
Forget fucking Facebook and worry about your own friends instead of your dp's friends.

user1474652148 · 01/03/2018 15:36

Elton

That was quite a breathtaking post. I have no idea if you are right or not, but that was quite a post.
Not sure it matters if dd is his or not.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 15:41

Yep, what distance said. You really need to work on your self esteem and developing your own independent sense of self worth.

Your partner is an individual who is entitled to have his own friends and relationships with his own family. If you cannot accept that then you will never have a happy, healthy relationship.

Of course his friends aren’t going to like you if you’re trying to pick them off and make him feel bad for spending time with them. You need to stop doing that. I’m afraid this is your own fault. If your partner has complained about you then you need to think about why he would have cause to do that rather than berating him for it.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/03/2018 15:45

Seeing as we’re a few pages in, it looks like you have a bit of thinking and reflecting to do about your self esteem and how this effects the relationship you have with your DP. As self preservation you really do need to develop a thicker skin and not let others bother you so much.

Although it sounds like you do need to sit down with DP and discuss holidays as the current situation sounds unfair.

Risen · 01/03/2018 15:46

But here's the thing. And this is meant in the kindest way possible. Maybe he doesn't like you. Maybe your DH didn't say anything. The thing is, with the former; there's nothing you can do about it.

And I say this as someone who was recently deleted by ex colleagues I used to work with.

I just don't understand why you're giving your DH a hard time. If they are best friends, surely whatever they talk about, isn't your business. Because if you think it is, thats controlling. And if you think you're behaviour to your DH, pre trip, was called for, why would you think anyone else would have a problem with it? .

Sorry, but you do sound controlling and bitter!

Risen · 01/03/2018 15:47

your*

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 15:49

FFS user, this is typical MN hypocrisy. If a woman came on here and said her partner was kicking off because her parents had paid for a weekend away with her friends because he and his child from a previous relationship weren’t getting a holiday the cries of ‘LTB’ would be deafening. If a woman came on here and said her partner made her feel bad about spending time with his friends and family it would also be a deafening ‘LTB’. Added on top of that the rest of the OPs posts are complaining about her resentment of her partner spending time with his family and friends and antagonism towards his family and that’s a pretty toxic relationship.

Bloody typical MN, something which would be a clear red flag in a man apparently okay when a woman does it.

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