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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh has been moaning about me to friends

241 replies

Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 13:55

Dh planned a trip away with friends last week and they went away. I was annoyed that me and dd don't get a holiday and was a bit off with dh but not a major falling out or anything but made it known I was a bit upset about us missing out on the chance of break while he went to his lads weekend.

Anyway dh shared a room with one of his friends. Me and his friend have been friends on Facebook for years and years. We aren't close as we don't see each other a lot but I went to school with him and he is dh best friend.
I just went to tag dh in a post with his best friend and saw that I have been deleted by the friend. We were friends last week when they were away. I have checked and he has some of my friends on there that he doesn't talk to and other friends from school etc so he's not went on a deleting spree or anything.
I am so hurt because it's obvious he doessnt like me if he's deleted me.
I asked dh about it and asked if he had been discussing why I was narky but he got really defensive and said he has said nothing.
I'm now crying upset because it's horrible to realise your the friends girlfriend nobody likes and I thought me and dh were really happy.
There's just no other reason I can think of why he doesn't like me. I don't post a lot on Facebook so I'm not annoying online or anything. Aibu to distrust what dh is saying and believe that I have been bitched and moaned about?

OP posts:
happygirly1 · 01/03/2018 14:55

If he's such a good friend I genuinely don't understand why you can't just ask him. Confused

namechange5000 · 01/03/2018 14:55

Exactly the same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. So we’ve got small children under 2 and so my DH has been declining invites a lot over the last couple of years. I encourage him to go, but he doesn’t want to. I suppose because it involves spending lots of money and late nights with bad sleepers.
Anyhow, my DH friends blame me for this as he’s not got the balls to say he doesn’t want to go and give a reason why.
I discovered a few weeks ago that his 2 friends have deleted me on fb but kept all other friends and wives.
It’s pathetic.
My DH won’t ask them why they’ve deleted me either, as he says it will cause friction.
I never post on fb so it’s not that I’m annoying them.
It stings though doesn’t it, feeling like the hated wife.

expatinscotland · 01/03/2018 14:56

'We never get time away together but his pals click their fingers and dh goes on a holiday. It was frustrating. I can see that makes me the bunny boiler girlfriend in the group nobody likes.
I just want to know if that's what they really think of me but dh would never tell me that even if it is the reason.'

That's your problem there, not his friends. Why do you keep calling yourself the girlfriend? You're married, you have a child together, you're a family unit and he's prioritising lads' hols over family hols to the extent that there are no family hols because he has lads ones. I'd consider someone I knew who did this a twat.

Amaried · 01/03/2018 14:57

I think all of this stems from your own insecurities. If you had your own friendship group and interests, I think you'd be a whole lot less bothered about your dh going away with his friends for a few days and this overreaction to something that someone you don't know that terribly well has done seems extreme also. Honestly I'd take a deep breath and take a step back and concentrate on making yourself happier. You'll stop sweating the anal stuff then

Sweetpea55 · 01/03/2018 14:57

Perhaps he's deleted you to avoid you asking any awkward questions about the weekend,

steff13 · 01/03/2018 14:58

Hmm the more suspicious part of me wonders if the friend was sharing photos on FB of their time away but didn't want you to see them....

You don't have to unfriend someone for that; you can exclude individuals from seeing any of your posts or pictures. In fact, if your page is public, I don't think just unfriending them would prevent them from seeing anything on their page. You would have to block the person or exclude them from seeing the particular post regardless.

OP, I think you're reading way too much into this. It could be a mistake. It could be that he culled his friends list and unfriended you because you don't post much. You could send him a friend request and see if he accepts. Or, just ask him directly. Personally, I'd just let it go.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 14:58

That'd be fine with me if they put holidays with their friends above family hols or swanned off with friends whenever they pleased meaning the family got no hols together.

But he’s not ‘swanning off’ ‘whenever he pleases’. He went away for one weekend. And the OP hasn’t given a reason why it has to mean they can’t have a holiday. There’s no reason to think they can’t have a holiday this year. All the OP has said is that she had a bit of a strop because she thinks if he ever does things with people other than his family that is unfair and they are ‘missing out’.

In healthy relationships people do things with people other than their spouse without their spouse kicking off. You can’t complain when your partner spends time with their friends and expect those friends to like you.

Original poster
Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 15:00

I will never know because he won't tell me and he won't ask and even if I ask directly he will cover his arse for the sake of dh.

I think I know deep down that the trip has been the reason for the snub.

He went on a football trip for three days. I didn't mention it much because I felt a bit jealous that we were stuck at home but I went out with friends and felt much better about things. I never said to him she couldn't go, I just said well I'm not thrilled that we couldn't get a trip away or afford one but he can get a getaway with pals.
I wasn't angry cause he spent time with his friends and not me but I was annoyed that he's the one that gets all the fun.
I'm working on issues I have with been isolated. This is the tipping point and why I'm crying. I don't cry when I get deleted off Facebook but this time it feels like none of his friends can be arsed with me cause I'm the party pooper and now I'm questioning if dh thinks the same.

OP posts:
2cats2many · 01/03/2018 15:00

You are leaping to all kinds of conclusions there OP.

CabbagePatch91 · 01/03/2018 15:00

Stop wasting so much time and energy on this and simply ask him if it's bothering you so much...

Groovee · 01/03/2018 15:01

Sometimes Facebook seems to unfriend people. It doesn't mean he's actually done it.

anothersuitcase · 01/03/2018 15:01

Could just be that the friend is tagged in pictures he doesn't want you to see? That's another reason people delete each other. Maybe he acted like a twat on the lads holiday.

DammitPatrice · 01/03/2018 15:02

that there are no family hols because he has lads ones

Has this been established? That they don't go on holiday because he has gone away with his friends?

expatinscotland · 01/03/2018 15:02

'But he’s not ‘swanning off’ ‘whenever he pleases’. He went away for one weekend.'

If you read the thread, that's exactly what she says he does, to the extent that they don't get time away as a family unit.

'In healthy relationships people do things with people other than their spouse without their spouse kicking off.'

In healthy relationships, your family is priority over your friends. If you can't afford to go on a family hol because you've gone on piss ups with mates, that's pretty selfish and shitty.

Mulberry72 · 01/03/2018 15:04

In the nicest possible way OP, crying over Facebook?

You seem to be jumping to all kinds of conclusions with little to no hard evidence of what you think is happening.

expatinscotland · 01/03/2018 15:04

'Has this been established? That they don't go on holiday because he has gone away with his friends?'

Yes, it has, by the OP:
'I just said well I'm not thrilled that we couldn't get a trip away or afford one but he can get a getaway with pals. '

anothersuitcase · 01/03/2018 15:06

Oh dear should have rtft Blush

Original poster
Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 15:06

We can't afford a holiday. We have just renovated a house and still have work to do on it. Even if we did have some spare cash i would prioritise it on the house.
Dh went on the trip and even his family gave him money because he knew things were tight. It was frustrating. I would love a trip away but now isn't a good time...but football is a big priority in his life. I can't be arsed with it.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 01/03/2018 15:06

So what do you reckon it could be? All other possibilities have been explained away e.g him not wanting you to see pictures of the piss up.

Do you reckon your H is sizing up divorce and has told his friend already? Who knows?

Other than that - the whole situation sounds very shitty all round. You don't get to go on a piss up and leave your wife and child wondering when they'll get to go away.

steff13 · 01/03/2018 15:09

If he's spending family money on trips with his friends leaving you without enough money for family trips or for you to have a reciprocal trip with your friends, that's wrong. You need to address that and forget this friend.

Original poster
Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 15:10

Dh and pals go to pub every week. They said they weren't going because of weather...the meme was a man walking through very very deep snow to get to the pub so I went to tag them in it as they normally walk.
I just feel like I'm kept in the dark. Feel like something has went on and nobody is telling me. There is a reason. Like I said we have known each other since we were at school. Since we were 12 years old. I'm not just anybody.

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 01/03/2018 15:11

OP what is your relationship with your DH like usually? Is he supportive and you get to spend family time together?

If the answer is yes, then you need to work on your self-esteem issues. If the answer is no, then it could be your DH and relationship is causing your self-esteem issues.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/03/2018 15:11

I don't think your h sounds very nice. And it not controlling to object to your partner going away with friends if they never going anywhere with you!
I'd be a bit upset about the fb thing too. It is weirdly coincidental.
I hope your h hasn't been bitching behind your back and caused this. It wouldn't be very loyal.

steff13 · 01/03/2018 15:11

Oops, cross posted. Did you post about this before? It sounds familiar.

So did he spend your family money on the trip, or money that was given to him by his family for the trip?

Original poster
Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 15:12

I think it's because dh has expressed my views on the trip. They have probably took it to mean I'm a bunny boiler or don't want him having fun rather than the real reasons.

I could be very wrong. I think it's something dh has said. But like I say I will never know because nobody will tell me.

OP posts: