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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh has been moaning about me to friends

241 replies

Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 13:55

Dh planned a trip away with friends last week and they went away. I was annoyed that me and dd don't get a holiday and was a bit off with dh but not a major falling out or anything but made it known I was a bit upset about us missing out on the chance of break while he went to his lads weekend.

Anyway dh shared a room with one of his friends. Me and his friend have been friends on Facebook for years and years. We aren't close as we don't see each other a lot but I went to school with him and he is dh best friend.
I just went to tag dh in a post with his best friend and saw that I have been deleted by the friend. We were friends last week when they were away. I have checked and he has some of my friends on there that he doesn't talk to and other friends from school etc so he's not went on a deleting spree or anything.
I am so hurt because it's obvious he doessnt like me if he's deleted me.
I asked dh about it and asked if he had been discussing why I was narky but he got really defensive and said he has said nothing.
I'm now crying upset because it's horrible to realise your the friends girlfriend nobody likes and I thought me and dh were really happy.
There's just no other reason I can think of why he doesn't like me. I don't post a lot on Facebook so I'm not annoying online or anything. Aibu to distrust what dh is saying and believe that I have been bitched and moaned about?

OP posts:
ChaosNeverRains · 01/03/2018 14:32

You’re crying over someone you hardly speak to having deleted you off facebook? Seriously?

Tbh most people only have their friends’ partners on there out of courtesy more than anything else. This bloke isn’t a friend, you’re the partner of one of his friends, that’s all.

I used to have a friend on fb whose dh periodically deleted everyone from his friends list who he never interacted with on there on account of the fact that it made no difference whether they were on there or not. Some he spoke to in rl on a regular basis, some he didn’t at all. But if he didn’t interact with you on fb then he saw no point having you on there, iyswim.

And to be brutally honest, I would likely unfriend someone who was quite so over sensitive about facebook friendships, and if a friend told me that their partner was crying and blaming them for me having unfriended them I would be telling them to re-evaluate their relationship because that is seriously controlling behaviour.

Friends discuss their partners with friends. It’s what they do.

frankenburger · 01/03/2018 14:33

How old are these friends of his? Sounds incredibly childish if he deleted you for the reasons you have given. If that were the case I wouldn't want to be this guy's friend anyway!

DearMrDilkington · 01/03/2018 14:34

Your making this into much more of an issue than it really is.

expatinscotland · 01/03/2018 14:34

'It's not controlling I didn't say he couldn't go.
I was just pissed off that we never get a holiday yet he can just swan off and have one when ever he likes'

That person would not be my spouse anymore. He's the one you should have a problem with. What a twat thing to do.

MrsElvis · 01/03/2018 14:35

You're upsetting yourself wondering why why why.

So take back control and message him saying "why did you delete me?"

At least ask! He's meant to be your mate

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 14:35

Well, yes, it is controlling. If you try and make someone feel bad about taking a trip it is controlling because you’re trying to create a situation where they won’t enjoy it because they feel guilty. Plus you were saying he should go away with you and not his friend. So of course his friend would be pissed off that you’d complained about them going away together. When was your last holiday and what’s stopping you from booking one this year?

I’m afraid if you’re going to guilt trip your partner for doing things with his friends then his friends aren’t going to like you. It’s not rocket science.

MsWanaBanana · 01/03/2018 14:35

If your DH is swearing blue that he hasn’t said anything, why aren’t you taking his word for it? Unless he has form for lying. TBH your posts make you sound very insecure, childish and a drama queen. He’s probably just accidentally deleted you. You’re completely overthinking this. Even if he has deleted you, so what? You can’t force someone to like you. Get a grip

ChaosNeverRains · 01/03/2018 14:36

And how do you know that he unfriended you?

scrabbler3 · 01/03/2018 14:36

"Funny" memes are irritating and if that's all you post, it may be the case that you're not considered very interesting and got yourself deleted. If he needs you, he can always contact you via OH.

Original poster
Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 14:36

It's controlling to be upset that someone has deleted you off Facebook?

I am upset because I considered him a friend and I'm upset because it's only me out of the group that has been deleted. It's a snub and the timing of the trip and been deleted says to me it's something dh has said.

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 01/03/2018 14:36

And to be brutally honest, I would likely unfriend someone who was quite so over sensitive about facebook friendships, and if a friend told me that their partner was crying and blaming them for me having unfriended them I would be telling them to re-evaluate their relationship because that is seriously controlling behaviour.

This.

I think it's more likely you've been deleted because of how you use Facebook rather than something your dh has done/said.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 01/03/2018 14:37

expat if my spouse sulked when I spent time with my friends they wouldn’t be my spouse either.

DearMrDilkington · 01/03/2018 14:38

How often did you speak to this friend via Facebook?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/03/2018 14:39

Think nothing of it, you did not really know him well, he is your dh mate, mabey he has pictures on his Facebook, he does not want you to see.

expatinscotland · 01/03/2018 14:42

'if my spouse sulked when I spent time with my friends they wouldn’t be my spouse either.'

That'd be fine with me if they put holidays with their friends above family hols or swanned off with friends whenever they pleased meaning the family got no hols together.

ChaosNeverRains · 01/03/2018 14:42

So OP, how do you know he deleted you? Are you one of those types who checks your friend list regularly to see if you’ve been unfriended and by who?

A bit like those twitter types who post those tweets “x people followed me and y people unfollowed me this week,...” I unfollow those as well....

MadMags · 01/03/2018 14:46

You sound like very, very hard work.

He’s under no obligation to be friends with you! And tbh, crying about it is really weird!

AlwaysPondering · 01/03/2018 14:47

I may be making a big jump here but I think he may have posted something he doesn't want you to see. I know you say he is public but you can share pictures for "just friends" to see. It could be something that isn't even that big. I can't think of anything else but at the same it could simply be nothing.

AlwaysPondering · 01/03/2018 14:47

ChaosNeverRains didn't OP say that she went to tag him but couldn't?

StormTreader · 01/03/2018 14:49

OP I understand why youre upset - when you have low self-esteem, its easy to see every rejection by anyone as affirming what you secretly fear to be true - that you arent likeable. Be sad about it but also try and remember that someone who can unfriend you that easily isnt a friend worth having, your worth isnt measured by everyone liking you.

Original poster
Introvertpants · 01/03/2018 14:49

No I've already said I went to tag him and dh in a post and the option wasn't there to tag him that's how I know I have been deleted. I checked to see who else he had incase he deleted a lot of people, if he had done that I wouldn't have been offended but it's just me.
I don't post a lot of memes but they are usually the things I post when I do and I don't tag people in them. We have been friends since school times so have known each other a very long time.
It means a lot to me to have close family and friends and I don't want to be the person the friendship group secretly dislikes.
If there is a reason I would like to know. I just find the timing too con coinsidental for it to be about Facebook or anything else.

I was annoyed about the trip but not in a controlling way. We never get time away together but his pals click their fingers and dh goes on a holiday. It was frustrating. I can see that makes me the bunny boiler girlfriend in the group nobody likes.
I just want to know if that's what they really think of me but dh would never tell me that even if it is the reason.

OP posts:
Agustarella · 01/03/2018 14:52

YANBU. A lads' holiday when he hasn't taken you on holiday would be a relationship ender for me in your situation, and has been in the past. It's a sign that he sees himself as a single man and that his mates are more important than you. And yes, defriending is a deliberate snub: if I get annoyed by the memes people post I just unfollow them. I would never defriend anyone I actually knew unless they had been directly, unambiguously nasty to me, or had posted something offensive (racist etc).

I ended my last relationship over a lads' holiday among other things, some of which were very much my fault rather than his. I appreciate it's not the same situation because we weren't yet cohabiting and my kids weren't his, so it was a case of acting on the warning signs before it was too late.

Sweetpea55 · 01/03/2018 14:52

Stop whining about it and ask him why he's deleted you.

blaaake · 01/03/2018 14:52

I get you OP. I think that, yes, it is likely he's unfriended you because of your husband bitching about you. But this is a red herring, your husband seems awful and selfish. If I were you I would re-evaluate being married to someone who prioritises holidays with his mates at the cost of holidays with his family, and chooses to moan about you to the point you are alienated by his friends.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 01/03/2018 14:55

Frankly, the more you post the more I would also delete you OP. Not everyone has time to deal with this kind of insecurity and neediness. Especially when it is just a friend's partner.

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