Smug young homeowners from the Bank of Mum and Dad

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

AIBU unreasonable to find it very irritating when young couples/young people manage to buy their first home early and spout the whole
"We worked so hard to save
"We deserve it "
"We didn't want to rent anymore"
"I can't believe some people still rent"
"We've got loads saved up for a house deposit "

Which is all fine...until you realise the house deposit it was 'gifted' by parents. Again that's fine

I just think it's irritating that entitled trust fund 20-somethings looking down on renters for not yet being on the property ladder yet fail to mention most of their deposit was from the Bank of Mum and Dad.

Not everyone can have that privilege and it's unfair to look down on those without

I think there are just as many plain bitter people who for whatever reason or another are stuck renting, that either imagine those who own their homes are boasting or whatever, that they have been able to buy their own homes or are the ones that are bringing it up in the first place just so they can say ‘yeah but you only did that because your parents helped you’.

BOMD isn’t the only place that those who buy homes access money. DH inherited £15k, which together with the £15k that I had saved before deciding to buy a house with him formed our deposit - so we did get ‘help’ with buying our home but I could have (and intended to) done it alone, it wasn’t the deciding factor on being able to buy a property.

At a similar time (10 years ago, mid 20’s) our peers were either still at home or renting through choice - they could have remained at home with parents - buying new cars every 2 years, had all the latest gadgets, going on expensive holidays, out al the time, etc etc. They were also liberally using credit cards which later provided quite substantial sums in PPI claims (DH and I got nothing through PPI). Several have since had inheritances. None of them have bought houses.

Although I accept and would not deny that we had ‘help’ with buying our first home, we were not in a position that we couldn’t have done without it, and indeed my personal plan was always to stay at home and save to buy a house as soon as I could. I 100% viewed it as the single most important thing to spend (save) my money on. Our peers didn’t.

Nothing to do with me and I don’t care either way, but I’d take issue if any of them were suggesting that our current position was down to pure luck. It wasn’t, it was down to the decisions we made.

I’m not saying the above is true in every case, but that’s how it is for me and those around me.

Things that help:

• good health
• help from parents
• good marriage with good 2 x income
• living in a good time in history, cheap housing

Things that hinder:

• poor health
• no help from parents
• being single/doing it all on your own
• living at a time of recession/high property prices

Alot of it is really random to be honest. There is some "will" involved, in terms of choosing (if you can) to have a good/steady job, choosing a good/steady partner, etc. But so many variables ....

So basically I agree with OP that often what seems like good decisions at the right time (e.g. buying their council house) was also a stroke of luck in a way and not always reflective of anything else ...

There seems to be much resentment on this thread and an inability to believe that one’s own financial behaviour can have any influence on the ability to raise a house deposit. Here is the true story of two sisters:-
Sister A got a job before her degree finished and worked solidly for decades in an unexciting job that paid at a lower end and had an assured low pension.
Sister B went to college three years late and then messed about trying to set up a career in acting.
A lived a frugal life and did everything on a strict budget. She and her OH borrowed a grand from the in laws, moved 200 miles north and bought a cheap, ugly house when she was 20.
B started the same career and, with her OH , bought a flat and then a house at 27. She lived life to the full and spent much on entertainment and fun.
A stayed in her house andpaid her mortgage down with a chequebook mortgage and iron financial discipline.
B bought a third large, detached house which meant starting her mortgage again at the age of 34.
A worked full time for 34 years (nearly killed her when the kids were little).
B had eight years of part time work so she could claim family allowance subsidies.
A went on Tesco Clubcard freebie holidays and cheap bite breaks.
B went to America for a long tour.
You get the picture. I was Sister A and so I know that the choices I made paid off, difficult as they were.

I have had the indignity of my sister and her children calling me ‘rich’ and ‘lucky’ for decades and they really believe it. My sister cannot but know we came from the same background and did the same job so luck did not play a part in our somewhat differing fortunes. In fact, we have both ended up with nice houses. A difference going forward is that, as soon as we paid off our mortgage, my OH and I let the kids live in their home rent free. Well, we took money off them for keep but put it aside secretly for house deposits. My sister, in contrast has no such bounty to offer as all her money slips through her fingers.

I shall be cross if anyone accuses my very hard working children of being ‘lucky’ as they will pay everything forward to their own kids when they have them.

Lucky is when you find a winning lottery ticket on the ground. Everything else is to do with character, attitude and effort.

I shall be cross if anyone accuses my very hard working children of being ‘lucky’

But aren’t they luckier than your sisters children, who don’t have their rent saved and handed back to them later for a house deposit?

I think that part of the reasons parents (certainly us) want to help out DC with deposits is so they can also afford normal things like booking a nice holiday once in a while, having a decent safe car, going out occasionally, not having to be ultra frugal all the time.
After reading this I don't know how any of them dare brag in RL.
I'm sure they'll soon be put in their place if they manage to buy a house and dare to actually live a little.

Teacher22

"Sister A got a job before her degree finished and worked solidly for decades in an unexciting job that paid at a lower end"

Sounds great Not everything in life is about money, enjoying your work is important too. You sound bitter after 34 years in a job you get nothing from.

Tbh you also come across as almost jealous of your sister.

As an aside you have taken the typical patronising attitude of some older people towards those who have no chance of affording housing now.

Houses were a damn site more affordable in the 80s (could buy a house for 2x3 times a normal couples income) and the thousand pounds you were given would really help with a deposit.

There seems to be much resentment on this thread and an inability to believe that one’s own financial behaviour can have any influence on the ability to raise a house deposit

I don't see this at all. What I see is a lot of people who refuse to believe that you can be both lucky and hard working, and that most successful people are just that. It's not an either/or proposition. Pointing out the privileges of others, or acknowledging your own, doesn't mean you've achieved nothing for yourself, but it also means not pretending that we all start from a level playing field.

I have been extremely lucky in some ways, including that both DH and I inherited large enough sums of money from our respective grandparents to make up the bulk of our house deposit. We have also both worked hard and consistently at our careers - but getting into those careers also had an element of luck (lucky to have had good educations, both of us - like most people - have had elements of 'right place at right time' with some of our jobs). I don't see why so many other people find it impossible to admit that their success is also a mixture of luck and hard work, rather than the sole product of their own ingenuity.

pippin and teacher i think I agree with you both.

I think that buying when it was more affordable could be considered luck, but on the other hand waiting ten years to buy a house when you could have lived at home for free/pennies and saved like mad for 5 years and instead go out and private rent because you want to feel grown up and move in with your then boyfriend at 18 is not down to luck.

I accept that living with parents so you can save hard is effectively the same as them handing you a deposit but why should anyone who chooses to do just that have to feel bad or humble just because someone else couldn’t, or in many cases could have but didn’t?

Most things in life are at least partly down to chance, or luck if you like, but that doesn’t mean anyone who has had a leg up owes anyone who hasn’t some sort of an apology.

One of my main priorities financially, after making sure DH and I are able to look after ourselves financially in old age is to sort DS out with a house deposit. We have decided against another child purely so we can help him live a comfortable life and not go without. Fuck anyone who thinks he shouldn’t have whatever he has because if the things we have chosen to do for him. None of thier bloody business!

Teacher you sound thoroughly miserable!

My friend is like this except she didnt get a deposit, she and her dh lived rent and expense free for years. I always used to brush off her blathers on her saving loads so everyone could.

When i moved bk home i was charged for rent....no saving made.

Aaargggghhhh my fucking arsehole fuck face ‘friend’ did this!

Always slagging my privately rented house off. Windows were shit, carpets were shit blah blah blah.

She was 21 when she first bought her own house and DP said to her ‘there won’t be many people your age who’ve got a mortgage.’ She looked really smug and said ‘well, there’s a few but they’re couples .... I’ve done this on my own.’

Arrrggghhh no you didn’t you twonk! My mum and her mum are friends and apparently they had put down a deposit for her AND lent her £15,000 to do it up to her shag palace standard!

I, of course have friends who really have worked their arses off and have bought their own houses without any help from their parents. They don’t feel the need to brag about it though. Says it all to me.

I really dont get people who look down on renters. What the are really thinking is 'you dont have a spare£20, 000 floating around for a deposit.. plus a well paid job... ' like it's easy.

Easy if only you are prudent/ hard working / save enough

I dó nr think renters lack character anymore than i think homeowners have good character.

And as an aside, where do parents (usually aged 55-60-ish) pull 50 grand from to hand to their adult children?

I’ve just given £45k to my adult child to help them buy a flat. I’ve been saving this since they were born. I put their their child benefit (roughly £20 a week ) into a separate bank account and added the fiver a day I save my not buying sandwiches and coffee at lunchtime ( I work in an office).

Boring I know.

you did this because you could afford to SOph1a, I had to use the child benefit to pay bills and buy food, it was never something that could be saved and I've always had a packed lunch, buying takeaway at lunchtime os for folk with money to spare.

if we all could afford to give our kids £45k, we would.

ssd I was answering the posters up thread who asked where people got the money.

I’m not stupid,I know that many parents have to use child benefit to pay for food and other basics.

I’m not judging anyone else, it’s just a factual answer to a factual question.

We were in our third owned house by the time we were in our early thirties. Most of our friends were as educated, hardworking and even had better paid jobs than us.

We were lucky we entered the property ladder in our mid twenties, the others were busy moving their career forwards working abroad, changing locations, and reasonably, spending what we were spending in mortgage in rent because their circumstances didn’t allowed them to settle down or made it reasonable to commit to a mortgage.

We were lucky that our circumstances/careers made it reasonable and cost effective to buy a house (for starters, it was cheaper to buy than to rent at that time). Our friends were not in that position.

Stop paying your mortgages for a few months. See who really owns your homes

Exactly. At the end of the day, the house is not an asset until you are prepared to sell it.

Sittin on the fence here, all this talk is getting pretty tiring.

We bought our house of my parents in 1999 - just before the boom!!
The house was only 16yrs old and totally trashed, new floors, kitchen, bathroom, plaster. new carpets, doors, windows, garage door...on and on and on

At the time only my sister had moved out, leaving 5 still here. My parents had built the house at a cost of £32k. looking at similar properties they guessed it was worth around £90K but due to the state of neglect let us have it for £70K provided we pay for the carpets in their new barn conversion too.
It took us 7yrs to renovate the house, every weekend friends would be out driving in nice cars, going on hols, etc
But we just kept going it was a labour of love. We never found the spare cash to get married.
Today almost 20yrs on we finally paid off the mortgage. we still have all the landscaping to do, but with a child of 10 its been hectic fitting in diy chores.
The housing boom has left many of our immediate family and friends stuck. As a result we have constant sniping, both my sister and brother refuse to speak to us, even though my parents built massive extensions for them and their families for FREE.
Colleagues at work who in the past have moaned openly at their own housing problems, then later discovered from others we already have a house - neither of us ever mentions it for fear of reprisals. My son now gets bullied at school for being "Posh" as one of his friends parents told him he was lucky to be living in a......"footballers house" as a result we are very very strict with our son and try to ensure he is the very last one out of his circle of friends to get the latest must have.
So, today no family visit, none of our former friends visit either, it always descended into arguments of how lucky we are..as they sit there with their holiday tan and BMW parked on the road!!
Both me and my partner didn't create the housing boom, yet we are often on the receiving end of snide comments simply because we purchased back then.

To put this into clear context let me say this.
Our house is detached with garage on a cul-de-sac next door to a church (over the wall). We own all four boundary walls around which is unusual I'm told.
Both me and my partner earn very little, only one car.
Across the road are terraced houses all of which are professional couples.
The irony is that we couldn't afford to buy their house on our present income and they in turn couldn't afford to buy ours yet they earn 2-3 times our salary.
It's crazy and blatantly proves that house prices are artificially high these days.

We've helped both dds to some extent, and I know we've been fortunate to be able to do so. I am sure neither dd would ever dream of looking down their noses at anyone who can't expect any help and can't afford to buy. They know all too well how lucky they are.

Some people have always had help. Even in the early 70s, when prices were relatively so much more affordable and most people could buy without help, my cousins' dad bought them a London flat outright. I couldn't even dream of such a thing - their parents had always been far better off than mine.

I know someone else whose kids were left a lot of money in trust funds by a long estranged grandparent. The GP's own son, who'd had nothing to do with the estrangement, got nothing. The kids have both been able to buy - for cash - considerably more expensive houses than their parents have ever been able to afford.

I know it's a horrible cliche, but life often isn't fair, and I don't suppose it ever will be. But anyone who chooses to look down on the less fortunate is a twat of the first order, and not worth a moment's consideration.

everybody my age that I know who has a house has had their parents money or has lived with their parents to save a deposit. I moved out/was kicked out for being pregnant of my parents when I was 18 and saved best I could, but even the majority of the deposit for our house was from OHs savings and he lived with his mum for a long time... so essentially they had given him the desposit otherwise much of it would have gone on rent and bills.
We earn a decent amount now, but the fact is it was a struggle to get to where we are even with him living rent free for so long - long before we met. I love my home but I wouldn’t say I’m proud of my Home.

My brother had his Mrs and kids live with him at my mums to save up, they saved an absolute fortune and they bragged so much to people about what they had... and they still ended up in debt. Never told anybody though, just showed off their things. Moved back in with my mum to pay off their debt, saved a fortune again and moved back out. He earns so much money but refuses to accept a lesser life style than what he believes him and his family are worth 🙄 it’s all so incredibly stupid.

Having read many of the messages imho the thread boils down to a degree of jealousy on behalf of those who got/get no help from parents et al, when they know of people who did/do get assistance.
Does anyone think it has ever been different?
In every generation some get helped by relatives/friends etc and some don't. I think the problem today is that we are seeing a difficult housing situation where mainly (not only) those who get help can buy a property, and those who get that help are assisted by parents/grandparents etc who got onto the housing ladder decades ago, albeit many of them doing so by way of great personal sacrifices.
I got no help, often wished I had, but, following two divorces I live alone in a house I own, and which my two children will inherit. In the meantime I give them help with many of life's activities and enjoy being able to do so.
That to me is what life is about and I must add it is very much the style that most of my contemporaries have adopted. I see it all the time and I understand very well the disappointment of those who get no help, but life can be a damned sight tougher than that - tell me about it, not!!