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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smug young homeowners from the Bank of Mum and Dad

337 replies

LittleMissUnreasonable · 28/02/2018 15:58

AIBU unreasonable to find it very irritating when young couples/young people manage to buy their first home early and spout the whole
"We worked so hard to save
"We deserve it "
"We didn't want to rent anymore"
"I can't believe some people still rent"
"We've got loads saved up for a house deposit "

Which is all fine...until you realise the house deposit it was 'gifted' by parents. Again that's fine

I just think it's irritating that entitled trust fund 20-somethings looking down on renters for not yet being on the property ladder yet fail to mention most of their deposit was from the Bank of Mum and Dad.

Not everyone can have that privilege and it's unfair to look down on those without

OP posts:
Vanessatiger · 01/03/2018 02:49

I hope my children will not go about their inheritance. We have created trust funds for them with a substantial chunk of ££££££ which would buy them a house or pay for their entire higher education. Recently their grandparent passed away so they will also receive hundred of thousands there.

We haven’t decided if we should tell them they have so much or not.

I grew up poorly, where I worked very hard to attain my higher education. I went to a bad state school where most of my childhood mates would either have died or are now down the addict road. Some did well.

GinIsIn · 01/03/2018 03:03

My deposit came from the “bank of mum and dad”. Because my dad died. Believe me, I would prefer to have my father than the house. What would you have me do? Hmm

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 01/03/2018 07:57

I don’t know anyone who has afforded to buy a house without the help of their parents

And I only know one person who did have help (poor girl’s dad died when she was 10 and her mum when she was 18), she naturally just stayed in the family home....and still there 30 years later.

None of my other friends had parents flush enough to help financially and although several of them have now lost parents there has been hardly any inheritance due to care home costs. I inherited nothing when my mother died and I know dads new wife will ensure I get nothing when he goes.

We are paying to put DD through university but doubt we will be in a position to hand either of our DCs tens of thousands of pounds.

Jessikita · 01/03/2018 08:17

I agree.

I bought my first house in Jan 2008. I was alone and luckily I had a tiny deposit as I got in just as market was about to crash so got a 95% mortgage.

As I was alone with no help I bought an ex council property in a “rough” (though it’s been fine) area.

My ex friend rented with her husband (same age as me) find out they’re getting evicted (LL just wants house back) there’s a huge panic, her parents are retired and downsizing so give her deposit. She buys in a much better area than me due to 2 salaries and generous gifted deposit then suddenly develops snobby attitude about where I live!!

I think you cheeky cow if it wasn’t for you scrounging of parents you would still be renting!!

Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 01/03/2018 08:26

@FenellaMaxwellsPony

"My deposit came from the “bank of mum and dad”. Because my dad died. Believe me, I would prefer to have my father than the house. What would you have me do?"

I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. Please see my 2nd post on the first page of this thread where I talk about inheritance. I have lost a parent before and know others who have and of course you'd much rather have them back rather than money Flowers

OP posts:
RunYouJuiceBitch · 01/03/2018 08:31

I have not encountered smugness, but I have encountered thoughtlessness and of course received plenty of advice from homeowning peers about saving etc.

All but a couple had hefty donations from parents and/or grandparents to buy their homes. So I'm not sure their advice is all that valid.

iLoveABiccy · 01/03/2018 08:35

YABU because maybe they are just excited to have a new home & want to tell everyone, some people are more vocal about it than others. How do you know they have a trustfund? And if they do, so what? Whatever

Halebeke425 · 01/03/2018 08:36

Yeah it gets on my nerves too however whenever these conversations arise I just say "we're saving up to buy one day but don't have parents to live with or borrow/inherit from so it's going to take some time!" I can't be bothered with getting upset about people's attitudes and not saying anything, I find when I point out we aren't all privileged then they go quiet, to be fair my friends who've bought with help are very grateful and humble about it and don't pretend it was just a case of 'smart choices'.

ShortandAnnoying · 01/03/2018 08:37

I'm probably not young enough to be a SYHO but we got our deposit for our first flat as compensation Dh got for being knocked off his motorbike. I thought that was very lucky (not so much for himGrin).

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 01/03/2018 08:39

DP and I were lucky to be helped out with our deposit by our parents. We know that we are incredibly fortunate, especially living in the South East where buying is so tricky. I would never DREAM of being smug or looking down on friends who rent.

BubblesBuddy · 01/03/2018 08:54

I know only one couple of our age who had help from parents. I do not know anyone of my children’s age who hasn’t had help from parents! My eldest is buying in London with a massive deposit from us and younger DD will get the same help. Most of our friends bought as couples with two salaries. Lots of single people expect to buy now and that’s difficult.

If they could live near us, (Home Counties) the deposit alone would have bought a decent little house. In London it’s less than half a 2 bed flat! That’s the problem. A good job isn’t going anywhere near buying in London, but it would outside the SE. If you need to be in London for work it’s very difficult. Most people rent and that can be £1000 per person a month for sharing a 2 bed flat with a friend.

If you are a Dr and work in an area with cheap houses I have no doubt your first house would be detached! If you are buying with another Dr even better! You wouldn’t need Mum and dad either.

DadTryingHisBest28 · 01/03/2018 09:12

I always remember being judged once for being young and having money (I know first world problems), DP and I were at Morrisons doing a shop before we went to V festival the next day (this was well before DC was here) as you can imagine our shop was mainly alcohol, sweet crisp etc etc all luxury items. The cashier who was about early 30s (we were early 20s at the time) initially was really friendly and started asking question like "oh you have a good time planned etc" and during just general chit chat (she did start asking what we did for a living as which was a bit weird) it came up we were going to V festival and we lived locally (she asked to see ID and me and partner had same address), out of nowhere she just changed and started saying stuff like "all right for some" and "I wish I h as money to go to stuff like that" I know this stuff can mean different things but she said it with a real resentment and after we got in the car DP and me both said it was got really awkward, we could tell she was judging us which is unfair as we didn't get any help from our parents to buy our property.

DadTryingHisBest28 · 01/03/2018 09:15

Having lived in Se London/ NW Kent my whole life I don't think it is that difficult to buy you just have to be realistic about what property your going to buy and at which stage of your life ?

BanyanTree · 01/03/2018 09:23

I direct debit £100 into both of my DC's accounts every month. They also have another account where I put all the money they receive from relatives for their birthdays, Christmas etc. They don't get to blow it on crap. By the time they are both 21, I hope to have at least £25K in the bank for each of them. I do this because no one has ever given me anything and my life would have been a lot easier with a bit of help.

Both my DH and I have made loads of sacrifices for my DC. I lived overseas for 17 years where I worked 6 days a week at least and I saved every spare penny I could.

Can you explain to me WHY I shouldn't help my children out to make their lives easier? Helping them out makes my life easier. There is nothing worse than seeing your DC struggle and stressed out. I want to spend my retirement in peace, not on the end of the phone to my DC who live hand to mouth.

InDubiousBattle · 01/03/2018 09:33

Banyan Noone is saying you shouldn't help your children. What (I think) some of us are saying is that your children shouldn't pass your help and their good fortune off as their hard work and sacrifice. And, of course they shouldn't look down on those less fortunate than themselves.

starlightafar · 01/03/2018 09:34

Banyan tree your kids are exceptionally lucky

RedToothBrush · 01/03/2018 09:36

Found that FT article

ftalphaville.ft.com/2018/02/15/2198809/someone-is-wrong-on-the-internet-millennial-savings-edition/
Someone is wrong on the internet, millennial savings edition

Niceandwarmandhot · 01/03/2018 10:03

Banyan - YOU are doing a great thing.

So long as your kids don't sneer at others for not having the same advantage, or use t and then say, "oh why can't everyone just do what I did?" - which I'm sure you'll bring them up not to do! - then that's completely different to what the OP is talking about.

Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 01/03/2018 11:11

@banyantree

"Can you explain to me WHY I shouldn't help my children out to make their lives easier?"

I haven't implied that at all.... your children are very privileged and lucky :) . My point was more on people who get given this amount of help from parents and pass it off as hard work and question those who haven't had the same help as being lazy/not disciplined/wrong priorities. And fail to realise they were given a large hand out themselves.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 01/03/2018 11:20

My ds1 says it annoys him too.
We live in the NW and houses are cheaper here, but still he has saved every penny since starting work to buy his house, for cash.
He knows he was lucky for him and his partner to live between our house and his partners parents, although they did pay rent to both of us.

He has a colleague who was gifted a deposit from parents and has a much bigger house in a better area and he keeps on at ds1 about how much better his circumstances are. He thinks he's better somehow, but lacking in the need for consumerism and materialistic stuff, my ds1 thinks they'll be much happier as they don't have anything to prove.

He secretly laughs at the colleague for being a dick. Grin

BanyanTree · 01/03/2018 11:33

OK, yes they shouldn't be smug about it and I would be very upset if I heard my DC bragging about something.

IMO though, parents in the UK don't do as much for their DC as they should. Other cultures do far more for them than we do.

kaytee87 · 01/03/2018 11:42

Why do people keep saying gifted instead of given?!

caperberries · 01/03/2018 11:48

I don't tend to talk about money anyway so can't see that it's anyone else's business if someone receives help from their parents when buying a house.

AbsolutelyCorking · 01/03/2018 11:53

Why do people keep saying gifted instead of given?!

“Gifted” is the correct financial/legal term when talking about money or houses being “given”.

TemporarySign · 01/03/2018 11:53

YADNBU. Right up there with people who've 'had no help' with kids who have grandparents round every week and and for weeks every school holiday. I could go on for hours listing my pet hates. It's a bit early, but Wine to bloody annoying people.