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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smug young homeowners from the Bank of Mum and Dad

337 replies

LittleMissUnreasonable · 28/02/2018 15:58

AIBU unreasonable to find it very irritating when young couples/young people manage to buy their first home early and spout the whole
"We worked so hard to save
"We deserve it "
"We didn't want to rent anymore"
"I can't believe some people still rent"
"We've got loads saved up for a house deposit "

Which is all fine...until you realise the house deposit it was 'gifted' by parents. Again that's fine

I just think it's irritating that entitled trust fund 20-somethings looking down on renters for not yet being on the property ladder yet fail to mention most of their deposit was from the Bank of Mum and Dad.

Not everyone can have that privilege and it's unfair to look down on those without

OP posts:
drspouse · 01/03/2018 21:25

I don't make any risky financial decisions which means I shall never be rich or successful

Me neither but at least DH (who is the same as me) and I are comfortable and independent of my DPs. DB is still relying on my DPs to bail him out/pay for major things for his DCs.
I don't want them to pay for us and I'm not bothered that they pay for him - I just prefer to have independence!

AbsolutelyCorking · 01/03/2018 21:29

Evelynismycatsformerspyname that sounds like a perfectly normal, loving relationship to me. Why shouldn’t she help her daughter out if she wants to?

This thread seems to have turned into bashing parents who help their children! There is no shame in being helped by parents or helping your children, financially or otherwise.

breadwidow · 01/03/2018 21:41

Yep I hate this too.

It's an attitude thing and it's not everyone who does it.

Eg

A friend of mine, inheritance of £10k for her and much more for her husband plus a contribution of £100k which was an investment due to be repaid for them their first home and enabled them to buy their second and rent first home out. Great for them but lack of appreciation of their advantages is clear in little comments to friends like 'you should buy a 2 bed flat, not a one bed, much better investment, 'I can't believe they're still renting', 'you really can't afford X, it's cheap!'

Another friend, first flat bought via inheritance from his father who died young. After this he made sensible investment decisions (buying and selling at right times, knowing which areas were up and coming) and now has a very very nice house. When I complimented him on his canny decisions he said, 'no it's luck and the help I got, I know I'm very fortunate'

newmummycwharf1 · 01/03/2018 21:42

I would hope every parent would want to be in the position to help their children. Even if you didn't get the help yourself (especially so I think), I would hope all parents are working to give their children as much help as they can. Boasting is not on but looking down on those who got help isn't either.....

breadwidow · 01/03/2018 21:42

Should have added, first friend has not had to repay her mum her £100k investment, been written off.

Strygil · 01/03/2018 21:46

How other people conduct their financial affairs is none of my business - indeed it is no-one's business but theirs. Why do people like the OP start these snide, unpleasant, sniping threads in the first place? Does she seriously imagine that someone who bought their house outright using a legacy gives a two-penny fuck for what she thinks?

Some people - and the OP is one of them - need to get a life, acquire a sense of proportion, and stop imagining that their pissy little opinions matter to anyone but themselves. .

Family121 · 01/03/2018 21:47

I know exactly what you mean, some close family members where gifted the deposit and more to buy there first house. After banging on for 5 months about how hard they had to work for a deposit I later found out they had blown there all there savings on a holiday, and the girls parents gifted them with a full 10% deposit £26k when her father told us at a Christmas party. First thing they said to me was haaa where home owners and you guys just rent, then when they had a moving in party i was introduced to there work friends as oh this is (my name) and she lives down the road from us but shes renting. i was fuming.

Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 02/03/2018 00:25

@Strygil

"Why do people like the OP start these snide, unpleasant, sniping threads in the first place? Does sheseriouslyimagine that someone who bought their house outright using a legacy gives a two-penny fuck for what she thinks?"

Touched a nerve ? Maybe I'm starting a threat on a discussion board Shock where topics go for ...you know....discussion Shock...and the board in particular is asking if I am being unreasonable therefore expect some controversial topics...Shock and you night even have a different opinion to someone else!?

Most people here get where I'm coming from anyway so I'm really not bothered Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 02/03/2018 00:26

*starting a thread rather...not a threat Grin

OP posts:
Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 02/03/2018 06:13

Absolutely seriously? You think constantly asking your mother for money when you're in your 20s and having her run your life to the level of booking your hairdresser and dentist appointments, pay for your train tickets and book your holiday is a close, loving relationship and not treating an adult without extra needs like a teenager? Quite apart from the fact that, as mentioned, the mother was moaning about how having a child aged 20 something is harder than having school aged children. She was one of these "just you wait, you think juggling childcare and work is hard but I have it harder, when they're in their 20s you have to do xyz Nd they need you for ABC" prophet of doom types. She often says "the bigger the child, bigger problems, just you wait" but she's created this hugely dependant child-woman by doing everything for her.

KochabRising · 02/03/2018 06:45

There is no shame in being helped by parents or helping your children, financially or otherwise.

None whatsoever. My parents werent in a position to help financially. We are fortunate to be able to save a small amount monthly for each of ours since birth - hopefully that will help when they get older.
There’s no point bashing people who got help - a large proportion of people get help at some point. I’m not jealous of people who have had inheritances or deposits given - their circumstances were different to mine. That’s just how it is.

The only bad behaviour here is people being rude to renters and those struggling to buy. That is inconsiderate and thoughtless.

Beanteam · 02/03/2018 06:51

AIBU unreasonable to find it very irritating when young couples/young people manage to buy their first home early and spout the whole
"We worked so hard to save
"We deserve it "
"We didn't want to rent anymore"
"I can't believe some people still rent"
"We've got loads saved up for a house deposit "

Where do you meet these people, any DCs I know who have been helped to buy are very grateful and happy to say they were helped to buy.
It's like the thread where baby boomers are boasting about how hard they worked to get where they are and millennials are snowflakes spending their money on coffee.

It is complete bollox and you are being lead by the nose by the Daily Mail and Facebook, or whoever it supposedly is who prints this, to believe the crap they print.
I think there are grumpy jealous people who start these threads so they can 'legitimately' snipe at the people they envy.

Blankscreen · 02/03/2018 07:09

Some people Re just very rude Ns that applies whether they've been given a deposit for a house or not.

I didn't get any parental help but I did buy with an ex boyfriend. His deposit we both chipped in for the interest only mortgage. When we broke up 4 years later I got £40k approx as the house had gone up so much.

I NEVER would have saved that much. I realise I was lucky and quite open about my luck.

BillywigSting · 02/03/2018 07:28

Dp is in his early 30 and bought our home about 7 years ago.

His mum and sister are his only family and not exactly minted (his mum works for a bakery chain)

After uni (where he worked 20 hours a week and saved a third of his wages) he moved back in with his mum instead of renting, continued his uni job for a year, doubled his hours and saved half his wages. Was looking for a job in his field at this point too.

Once he found his current job he started house hunting and found this place for about 60k. Two bed terrace with a big back garden.

It's not I à great area, and it's a new build (read pretty tiny) but it's just right for us and is a foot on the ladder for when we want to buy something a bit bigger /in a naicer place.

That being said, we are in the north where property prices aren't anything like as ridiculous as they are further south, Dp was lucky in that his uni (which is actually one of the better ones for his subject and is a Russel group uni) is in the city we grew up in etc etc.

So yes he worked bloody hard to be a homeowner and none of it was trust fund but if we lived in a more expensive city it would have been impossible. Also would have been impossible if his mum hadn't let him live with her for a year only paying £100 a week

george49 · 02/03/2018 07:33

Strygil nowhere has the OP been snide or unpleasant that some people are helped to buy.

What she is complaining about is those that are helped but are ungrateful, or take the view that house buying is easy - well of course it is if your parents pay for you!

ToothTrauma · 02/03/2018 07:35

YANBU. I hate people like this. PIL gifted us a large portion of our deposit, and DM let us live with her to save up the difference, and I tell everyone about it because after years of renting I still can’t believe we’re lucky enough to own! We are so grateful and very aware we did NOT buy this house by ourselves.

I can’t think of anyone I know who owns a house and hasn’t had help from their parents, actually.

SmiledWithTheRisingSum · 02/03/2018 07:43

I don't know anyone who owns their own house that would say that.
If you do OP then they are just knobs.
Move on Hmm

SmiledWithTheRisingSum · 02/03/2018 07:46

Also, if you had enough money to help your kids out to buy a home why wouldn't you?

Some people have more money than others in our society. It's horribly unfair yes. If you don't like it then vote for JC.

And don't hang around with people who look down on other people. They are not worth your time or energy.

HippieGoth91 · 02/03/2018 07:56

I had my 5% deposit saved by 18 (years of working several jobs, 5 paper rounds etc from 12) and I'm up north where property is far more affordable.

My parents had asked for "board" when I lived there. I bought a house at 21 and they had saved my board money up to give me towards my house. This gave me a 10% deposit, I am bloody lucky! Oh and I'm 26 now with 1/3 equity and a tiny mortgage vs two graduate incomes because I bought a run down, small house and did it up myself. I'd got a 4x single salary mortgage, We owe 1x our combined salary now. We're hoping to move to a bigger place using this house as our deposit or keep it as a rental. DH wants to move to London, with this house as our deposit we could afford to now on two very normal salaries. I don't want to move there, I'm happy taking the train and staying in a hotel several times a year to visit friends and museums etc.

Are we lucky? Yes we are but we've worked to do the place up (on top of full time jobs, studying at uni, chronic illness, caring for a terminally ill family member). I also rented 18-21 off a family member at a reduced rate so again lucky.

TeresaEdPsych · 02/03/2018 09:05

As a 'gifter' I was required to sign a declaration saying so, otherwise the loan would count towards my daughter's debt and they couldn't have got the mortgage because their out goings would be too high. The 'gift' is part of my pension.

BanyanTree · 02/03/2018 10:28

I think there are grumpy jealous people who start these threads so they can 'legitimately' snipe at the people they envy.

Agree with above comment.

There is a lot of bashing of people on here who have a bit of extra cash. As soon as you mentioned you go on holiday somewhere or your DC goes to an Independent school or you help them out you get told you are lucky or privileged. That is the kind of thing you should be saying to royalty, not people who work hard and are disciplined in their lives. It's tall poppy syndrome as I have mentioned on here loads of times.

AhhhhThatsBass · 02/03/2018 10:47

We are in the lucky position of being able to give our DC a flat in SW London (Zone 2) which will be owned outright when she finishes uni. I think giving her her inheritance when she needs it rather than waiting for us to die is preferable. I'm inwardly "smug" about being able to do it, but both DH and I have busted our balls in The City to be able to do it for her. I think it's so hard on the younger generation now so if we can give her that then financially I hope we've set her up for life. I myself was in a rented house share for 8 years with my best friends before I was able to afford to buy anything. Don't regret it because we had great fun but glad we can offer DC the option of not having to do it. And I hope we are raising her in such a way that she will count her blessings rather than be smug about it.

MargaretCavendish · 02/03/2018 10:49

As soon as you mentioned you go on holiday somewhere or your DC goes to an Independent school or you help them out you get told you are lucky or privileged. That is the kind of thing you should be saying to royalty, not people who work hard and are disciplined in their lives.

It's ridiculous and incredibly ignorant to say that only royalty are privileged.

BanyanTree · 02/03/2018 11:28

I didn't say that only royalty are privileged. I said That is the kind of thing you should be saying to royalty. If I had more time I would have included a few more people at the top end of our society.

It is a very sad day in this country when we all start looking at each other and attributing others achievements to pure luck. That implies that you have it or you don't and there is nothing you can do about your personal situation. There are lots of things you can do in this country to improve your lot if you are able bodied and minded.

KochabRising · 02/03/2018 13:43

It’s both. DH and I have made canny choices, made the most of our educations, and sacrificed and scrimped. That’s our hard work and we are proud of it. No help from family either.
But there’s always an element of luck - both of us are healthy, both of us born in countries that are peaceful and have universal education. Not born into chaotic or abusive households.

A friend of mine, her and her husband are both medics - both hardworking people who have done OK for themselves. But he now has a brain tumour and cannot work. There’s always a bit of chance involved.

The super wealthy are insulated from bad luck and bad choices - if you’re from a family of billionaires you’re never going to be on the breadline regardless of your health or if you’re a colossal twit.

For most of us ordinary folks it’s a matter of working hard and doing the very best you can with the hand you are dealt. There’s no point being bitter that others have been given a leg up and there’s no justification to be smug to those worse off.