To be bit upset re how close friend asked for money back?

[Moneyissue2]

Debt one: From last August. Money lent for clothes for a certain type of event. Agreed I’d pay back £50 a month until full £245 covered.
I’ve only paid £150 of this back so far and know this is wrong.

Debt two: £250, friend lent bank card sometime during January when times were particularly tight just after Christmas. No limit on spending and no agreed time frame when to pay back but I had every intention of doing so as soon as I had been told how much I owed. On the 17th feb I was told the amount, £250 and intended to pay on pay day this month.

I spent almost 300 on friend for Christmas and about the same again on my immediate family so was a bit short during jan. Friend really wanted to go on a mini break to which I said no as I simply couldn’t afford it. Friend, for reasons I won’t go into really wanted to go it was a celebration of a major happening in his life. He insisted we went and that he would pay. (This is a story in itself, I really did say no numerous times and we even argued as I really, really didn’t want to go)

This expense included paying for my passport to which I agreed to pay back. This was a lot as was a same day turn around. Obviously my passport, my expense, but I did agree to paying more for something when what I would’ve done was simply waited until travel was completely necessary or when I could have afforded to renew. On this two night trip friend spent just under £100 on food and drink and even though he had insisted on paying for everything I did pay for an activity for myself that we did together which was just under a hundred. When I paid for this he did say are you sure you can afford it and I said yes but it will mean I can’t give you any of what I owe you this month.

Due to other business travel arrangements we have not seen or heard from each other a great deal recently and out of the blue I receive a message saying “please can you pay back the £250 bank card debt and £130 passport fee”.
To which I answered “no, actually, I can’t. Do you think I have a spare £380”?
His reply “it’s been two months, and you still haven’t paid last years debt”

AIBU to be hurt that he is making me out to be a terrible bad debt person when he only told me mid feb how much I owed on the bank card and it was only payday yesterday. He also knows how much I earn and that I cannot afford the bank debt and passport in the same month.

Why is the passport fee £130? Passports only cost £80

You're both being unreasonable. You shouldn't have gone on the trip, you shouldn't have bought anyone expensive Xmas presents, and you shouldn't have borrowed so much money unless you were going to make it your number one priority to pay it back. However, I also think he was idiotic for pushing you into going on this mini-break. I feel like maybe you felt some pressure to go because he was getting angry (you said you'd argued about it) and maybe you didn't want to upset him after he'd helped you out so much with money? That's how I would have felt so I do pity you a bit on that front but you really shouldn't have gone. Also, i expect the reason he's being a little blunt is because you said you haven't seen him much recently and you haven't made the payments as agreed. Maybe if you were still seeing each other regularly he wouldn't mind, but perhaps he feels a bit put out that he's helped you out so much and you haven't bothered to see him. You really need to making paying him back your number one priority though.

Basically you went into debt of £350, most of which you spent on a Christmas present from the friend, who lent you the money. You now think you can no longer be friends. I really think you need to learn something about boundaries.

I want to know more about the back story! You said it is irrelevant but it would probably explain how the situation has got to the stage it is at...
I am puzzled why you spend soo much on a Christmas present for him. What did you buy? It is weird that you bought him such an expensive gift, then obviously needed to borrow money for food after this- you would think he would feel embarrased and insist on selling the gift to recoup some money for you, esp considering he didn't get you a gift!
Reading between the lines, it sounds like he could possibly enjoy having some sort of hold over you..? Like I said, backstory needed!
I may be overly invested in this... I haven't slept much recently!

He sounds absolutely awful and you really need to get him out of your life. He's manipulative and coercive and generally horrible. I'm assuming there is some kind of romantic relationship thing going on which is clearly very bad for you.

You made the decision to borrow money and spend a ridiculous amount on Christmas presents for him and outfits to impress him so you must reflect on why you did that, and you must pay him back. But you must also protect yourself and stop letting him manipulate you like this.

@strawberry2017 she paid for same day service so she could have it in time for the holiday she didn't want to go on

Back stories are relevant. Nothing happens in isolation.

Sell the clothes, they are tainted now and will only remind you of him and being in debt. Even if you get 50 quid for them on ebay, it's 50 quid closer to your debt being paid off and you don't have to see them very time you open your wardrobe. You probably have other items in there too that would bump the monies up.

Enough has been said on here about the actual debt and it seems you have got plans to pay it off but what you need to address is WHY you got there. That is by far the most disturbing thing. It sounds as if it was a relationship where you were desperate to keep up. Doing this is always one way street to low esteemsville. Trying to buy attention or buy a seat at the table never makes you feel good in the long run.
There is no shame in saying 'No I can't afford the trip away now but perhaps Easter time'. A £300 gift for Christmas with nothing returned is madness. I spend a third of that my DH and by him great gifts.

Make budgets and stick to them. Don't get swayed by the impulse. Don't try to buy attention. Learn by this OP.

He’s an idiot giving anyone his bank card and money! And you need to pay him back as it’s his money. Don’t spend 300 pounds on people at Xmas if you can afford it!!

There must be aback story. I always thought sugar daddies bought you/gave money and didn’t want it back? Or am I getting mixed up?

here is a huge back storey that I won’t go into as I wanted advice without that swaying people’s opinions.

well if you don't give the back story then people can't give proper advice
as you see through your thread, it's gone from you are completely irresponsible to you're most likely being manipulated (I've only speed read the thread, skipping near the end)

Clear the debt.

Start a savings account and put a little away for a rainy day. If you can pay the debt you can do this.

Reassess your relationship with this jerk. Personally he doesn't sound worth it.

Spend a MAXIMUM of £20pp for Xmas/birthdays unless they are your children.

He's hardly a sugar daddy if the op is paying for everything herself. He's a fuckwit.

This "friend" has way too much hold on you, and your boundaries are lacking

Pay him off asap, then cut him out of your life.

Yes he sounds awful - he puts you into debt, then "saves" you by lending you money then demands it back. Run very fast away from him

OP- please never feel you need to get into debt to ' fit in' somewhere or to please someone else. I'm worried about this relationship for you,

What's the back story here OP? I know you say it's not relevant but I suspect it is.

Several people have asked you whether this guy is really just a friend or whether it was more than that (or whether you thought it could be). I actually think that's really important. And what is your current family situation (ie do you have a partner, DC, etc)

The money you spent last summer on an outfit, was this for an event where you were his "plus 1"/date? Or was it for an event completely separate from him?

The £300 Christmas present for him - why did you buy that? Did you feel under pressure to buy it?

What was the emergency that happened in January? How did it come about that he was the one helping you financially?

The weekend away - what was it and why did you feel under pressure to go?

I know you probably think the answers to those things aren't that relevant, and maybe they aren't, but I suspect they might be.

It all sounds like a horrible mess, but

please tell us, as many people have asked why did you spend £300 on his Christmas present?

I don't think anyone can understand that. I've never spent £300 on anyone's present ever and I am quite normal! You couldn't afford £20 let alone £300. why did you do it?

Do you have a child? This thread seriously reminds me of another posted months ago. A friend was having a birthday thing at a restaurant on a Friday night. The poster was going to spend her LAST £20 until Monday just to attend and eat the cheapest thing on the menu. This was met with lots of “What if...” replies in regards of emergencies to op which quite frankly, fell on deaf ears as friend was quite insistent on ops appearance 🤔.

I thought the friend was a massive cunt even then.

Pay your debts. It's that simple. He isn't unreasonable to ask you to. It's awful of uou to borrow someone's bank card and not even track what you're spending and expect them to tell you. I suspect you were hoping to get away with not paying it back.

Just pay your debts. End of.

Effectively he has bought his own present and those of your family. Why are you so in need to please him? Without knowing your income and expenses it is impossible to judge whether you had any realistic intention to repay, even at £50 pm it would take a year to do so. If one bill for £150 threw you so much, already not having paid for Christmas, even that is questionable.

The back story is clearly relevant here. You've made big mistakes borrowing the money in the first place and spending far too much on presents when you were already in debt. But a normal friendship doesn't involve forcing you to buy clothes to fit in or go on a mini break - so the back story is completely relevant. What is it?

I just can't get beyond the part where you spend £300 on a Christmas present for a friend!!! (£300 that you don't even have, to be exact!!) WHO DOES THAT??? Seriously 😳🙄

If this isn't a wind up, I'll eat my own debit card.
Surely can't even be a reverse? Can anyone really be so unbelievably stupid?