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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bit upset re how close friend asked for money back?

267 replies

Moneyissue2 · 27/02/2018 22:03

Debt one: From last August. Money lent for clothes for a certain type of event. Agreed I’d pay back £50 a month until full £245 covered.
I’ve only paid £150 of this back so far and know this is wrong.

Debt two: £250, friend lent bank card sometime during January when times were particularly tight just after Christmas. No limit on spending and no agreed time frame when to pay back but I had every intention of doing so as soon as I had been told how much I owed. On the 17th feb I was told the amount, £250 and intended to pay on pay day this month.

I spent almost 300 on friend for Christmas and about the same again on my immediate family so was a bit short during jan. Friend really wanted to go on a mini break to which I said no as I simply couldn’t afford it. Friend, for reasons I won’t go into really wanted to go it was a celebration of a major happening in his life. He insisted we went and that he would pay. (This is a story in itself, I really did say no numerous times and we even argued as I really, really didn’t want to go)

This expense included paying for my passport to which I agreed to pay back. This was a lot as was a same day turn around. Obviously my passport, my expense, but I did agree to paying more for something when what I would’ve done was simply waited until travel was completely necessary or when I could have afforded to renew. On this two night trip friend spent just under £100 on food and drink and even though he had insisted on paying for everything I did pay for an activity for myself that we did together which was just under a hundred. When I paid for this he did say are you sure you can afford it and I said yes but it will mean I can’t give you any of what I owe you this month.

Due to other business travel arrangements we have not seen or heard from each other a great deal recently and out of the blue I receive a message saying “please can you pay back the £250 bank card debt and £130 passport fee”.
To which I answered “no, actually, I can’t. Do you think I have a spare £380”?
His reply “it’s been two months, and you still haven’t paid last years debt”

AIBU to be hurt that he is making me out to be a terrible bad debt person when he only told me mid feb how much I owed on the bank card and it was only payday yesterday. He also knows how much I earn and that I cannot afford the bank debt and passport in the same month.

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercups21 · 28/02/2018 11:25

I think people who say smoothies are not that healthy.... well, it depends! If the kids would happily munch loads of fruit and veg anyway, smoothies are not as hood as eating loads of veg and fruit.

But if, like my teens, they'd otherwise have coke/squash and crisps, a smoothy becomes the healthier option Grin

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/02/2018 11:27

Wrong thread, maybe, @Peanutbuttercups21?

Peanutbuttercups21 · 28/02/2018 12:20

Haha, how did that happen?!

Original poster
Moneyissue2 · 28/02/2018 20:40

Thanks so much everyone, your advice has been brilliant. I’ll answer a few questions as you were all so kind to post Smile

The present was a small leather holdall, that he had wanted for a long time. Practical for his needs but see it was far too lavish now. He was over the moon upon receiving it, and don’t think he was thinking about the £100 owed then. If so he did a great job of hiding it.

After a shitty time together it was a gift that was supposed to say, I forgive you, no hard feelings. (Also pack your things in this bag and leave me, never return)!

I had never thought or hoped he’d forget about the debt or to get away with it, as someone suggested. (At Christmas I only owed him £100)

The initial debt was for an event we attended together, for his sake. I’m not suggesting he made me get these clothes at all, I, stupidly, loved them and wanted them. I wanted to look the part, not in a keeping up way, more of a cultural way. I also thought they would come in use in the future, maybe. At the weekend they will be on eBay.

I haven’t included relationship storey because I’ve had wonderful support from a thread last summer when I really, really needed it. It may well explain partly how I got here but you know what, I’m here. And that’s my own doing. I need to pay back.

He’s not an om or a sugar daddy Grin

OP posts:
MadMags · 28/02/2018 20:43

So he’s an ex? Was the event a wedding where certain dress is expected?

Original poster
Moneyissue2 · 28/02/2018 20:56

Kind of madmags, but not sure how expected it was, I’m sure no one would’ve been too offended if I appeared in my usual posh get up, but like I say I was foolish enough to really want this outfit. Blush

The relationship history is really nasty stuff, which really doesn’t have any bearing on the money situation. To describe him as an ex doesn’t quite sit right either as we were not really a conventional couple for various reasons. But yes there certainly was a (abusive, physical and emotional) relationship of sorts.

OP posts:
ShiftyMcGifty · 28/02/2018 20:59

“After a shitty time together it was a gift that was supposed to say, I forgive you, no hard feelings. (Also pack your things in this bag and leave me, never return)!”

That’s not what a £300 bag says. A £300 bag says “I want you. To stay.”

Softkitty2 · 28/02/2018 21:02

You sound very entitled and a CF. YABVU

MadMags · 28/02/2018 21:07

Oh, money I think it has far more bearing than you think. Sad

LineysShanks · 28/02/2018 21:09

I think the 'shit relationship' was writ large from your first post, tbh.

Get out and be happy.

Thistlebelle · 28/02/2018 21:18

Money you can’t undo decisions already made you can only learn from them.

Pay him what you owe him and sever ties cleanly.

Don’t get yourself into this kind of pickle again.

Original poster
Moneyissue2 · 28/02/2018 21:21

Oh shifty really?! Well, after discussions about all the things that had happened I was full of hate and wanted no further contact. He made this impossible for me and wanted more than anything to part with dignity and respect (funny that, when you consider some of the things he had done) anyway the bag was meant to be an agreement to that. Nothing more.

The trip was one last thing before he went many miles away for hopefully what will be a long long time. Something and somewhere he had always wanted to go which he was suddenly able to and had no one else to go with, the guilt I’d have had if I didn’t go would’ve been worse, and then there was the danger of him being upset/angry/one more thing I’ve done Etc. It just wasn’t worth it. I went, now it’s over and he’s gone. I’ve finally had the courage to block him after a very long time, and I’m still shit scared.

None of it excuses the way I used his card during January. I do think it’s a bit rich demanding the psssport money considering, but last years £100 and January’s £250 should be paid pronto. I’ve paid the first chunk, second chunk next month.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moneyissue2 · 28/02/2018 21:24

To be clear I do expect to pay for the passport but thought it insensitive to demand it at the same time as the other debts!

I’ve learnt my lesson.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 28/02/2018 21:25

Why do you describe him as a 'close friend' in your OP when he's an abusive ex?

Original poster
Moneyissue2 · 28/02/2018 21:32

I had great difficulty deciding what to call him. I also wanted the opinions of people who would consider the situation as if their own, with their own friends if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 28/02/2018 21:33

An interesting take on the friends with benefits relationship, OP? Wink

Original poster
Moneyissue2 · 28/02/2018 21:33

Because I can’t acknowledge him in any other way. And even that is at a great effort, and was temporary

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 28/02/2018 21:34

Whoops, posted that before I got to the last page. Blush

That'll teach me!

amicissimma · 28/02/2018 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 28/02/2018 23:02

OP have you considered that your debt to him is a means of control for him? He has enabled, encouraged and perhaps enjoyed you getting into debt with him and it leaves you more and more connected? Good luck getting clear of the debt and him.

Doobedoobedoobedoobedoobe · 28/02/2018 23:35

I was going to suggest it sounded like an abusive relationship because it appears the debts were run up when encouraged by him or for him. I suspect he likes you owing him. He likes the power trip. Buying clothes to fit in where he took you, going on trips you can't afford at his insistence, buying him beautiful things you can't afford out of some kind of sense of duty towards him. It's definitely not a healthy relationship. Just as you pull away he draws you back in. This demand is just another way of pulling you back in and making you seem like the unreasonable one.

Yes you shouldn't be running up debts you can't pay back but it sounds like he has some creepy hold over you that makes you unable to say no to him.
Pay back the rest ASAP and remove him from your life. It sounds like he's very manipulative and is using this debt to control you.

Ellendegeneres · 28/02/2018 23:40

Oh I so called this! I knew it was more than friendship, no one lends that much and goes on trips etc with a platonic friend.

ShiftyMcGifty · 28/02/2018 23:41

Yes. Really OP. You don’t buy £300 gifts you can’t afford for people you dislike. You pay off your debt to them.

Bag was the last gift, then it was the very last trip that was the last thing... hang on, your very last Easter is coming up and following it will be the very last summer holiday Hmm

ShiftyMcGifty · 28/02/2018 23:45

Stop falling for his crap. Borrow the money and pay this creep off, or tell him you will make x payments for x months and tell him to stop contacting you.

You’re “done” remember?

JCo24 · 01/03/2018 03:08

Two words: Judge Rinder

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