To be bit upset re how close friend asked for money back?

[Moneyissue2]

Debt one: From last August. Money lent for clothes for a certain type of event. Agreed I’d pay back £50 a month until full £245 covered.
I’ve only paid £150 of this back so far and know this is wrong.

Debt two: £250, friend lent bank card sometime during January when times were particularly tight just after Christmas. No limit on spending and no agreed time frame when to pay back but I had every intention of doing so as soon as I had been told how much I owed. On the 17th feb I was told the amount, £250 and intended to pay on pay day this month.

I spent almost 300 on friend for Christmas and about the same again on my immediate family so was a bit short during jan. Friend really wanted to go on a mini break to which I said no as I simply couldn’t afford it. Friend, for reasons I won’t go into really wanted to go it was a celebration of a major happening in his life. He insisted we went and that he would pay. (This is a story in itself, I really did say no numerous times and we even argued as I really, really didn’t want to go)

This expense included paying for my passport to which I agreed to pay back. This was a lot as was a same day turn around. Obviously my passport, my expense, but I did agree to paying more for something when what I would’ve done was simply waited until travel was completely necessary or when I could have afforded to renew. On this two night trip friend spent just under £100 on food and drink and even though he had insisted on paying for everything I did pay for an activity for myself that we did together which was just under a hundred. When I paid for this he did say are you sure you can afford it and I said yes but it will mean I can’t give you any of what I owe you this month.

Due to other business travel arrangements we have not seen or heard from each other a great deal recently and out of the blue I receive a message saying “please can you pay back the £250 bank card debt and £130 passport fee”.
To which I answered “no, actually, I can’t. Do you think I have a spare £380”?
His reply “it’s been two months, and you still haven’t paid last years debt”

AIBU to be hurt that he is making me out to be a terrible bad debt person when he only told me mid feb how much I owed on the bank card and it was only payday yesterday. He also knows how much I earn and that I cannot afford the bank debt and passport in the same month.

You say to feed family is that DP? DC? Or parents, siblings?

Very wise words rocker! I had never borrowed previously. Clearly it’s my fault I should have had a plan in place and an agreement, but there wasn’t one (after Christmas debt I mean) I’ll never do it again

Wrong on both counts lemonys but thanks for your opinion

You’ve namechanged for this thread, so you really can’t ‘out’ yourself.

I don’t like the sound of this guy At All.

What did you ‘have’ to buy to wear to ‘fit in’?
Why did you feel you couldn’t say no to going?

Then you spent another £300 on a present for him when he doesn’t get you as much as a box of chocolates?

He lends you a credit card, without a limit or repayment plan when you still owe him money.

Then he pressures you to go away with him when you say you can’t afford it. Why? What’s the backstory?

You pay for the activity, whilst making it clear that means you can’t give him any money that month. He accepts that, but is no w pressuring you to pay it ALL back.

He’s trouble. You need to sort out what you’re going to pay him back & when you can do that. Then you need to end this relationship because it’s not healthy.

You need to sort your MH & self esteem out so you don’t fall for another twat after this one.

You need to get your finances sorted so you pay all your bills and get some savings behind you. Try to learn something from this.

Get rid of him.

Thanks lineys, I’m trying to bring the friendship to a close. It’s been a long difficult road.

I can see that, OP. Good luck. Glad you're finding your boundary.

This can't be real.
Pay your friend back.
Apologise for taking so long to pay it back.
Learn to live in your means and stop sponging off friends

There has to be more to this story. Sounds like some sort of sugar daddy type situation to me. Sex Contact stopped so daddy got annoyed and asked for money back?

Thank you Annie, your advice has moved me.

Ignore the nasty stuff, OP. Focus on those boundaries, ok? You can do this.

Try to get some sleep 💐

I was upset he expected it back in one month, but, reading through the replies seems I’m wrong to be.

Yes but he didn't originally, did he? You fell behind with repayments and I'm guessing that when you said earlier you hadn't seen or heard from each other much recently this means you haven't exactly been chasing him to confirm what was owed nor outline how/when you'd pay.

Op I'll be honest, I don't think he's 100% the "good guy" here. It sounds like you were in (the early stages of?) a relationship with someone who had no qualms about putting pressure on you to spend money you didn't have to suit him. That would be a concern for me. However as a grown woman you ultimately made the decision to go along with this and it is you who frittered more money away when you already owed him money. You felt comfortable enough to use his card for a month apparently feeling no need to keep track. You need to be honest with yourself about whether you definitely intended to pay it back or hoped he'd just say leave it.

I think pay him back as quickly as you can and consider the whole thing a lesson learned re not allowing your judgement be overruled by someone else. However tempting it might be.

Yes raven, that’s it

I posted here because I really wanted the straight talking advice typical of AIBU and I got it.

There is a huge back storey that I won’t go into as I wanted advice without that swaying people’s opinions. Thank you all. You are a god send

This feels like the sort of thing that would end up on Judge Rinder.

You need to start paying him back - even small amounts regularly- and don't take any money off him in future because he sounds like he's taking advantage of you in some way, and is enjoying having power over you. I would rethink this friendship too - a good friend wouldn't want you to change your appearance to fit in, he would love you for who you are and respect that you don't have the money to buy fancy clothes at this time.

Don't buy him any more presents and if he queries it tell him you would prefer to clear your debt. Good luck.

Its not illegal to lend a friend your bank card.

@MyDc it may not be strictly illegal by the letter of the law but it is against the Terms & Conditions of r every bank account & any fraud/theft that occurs if you have “lent” your bank card out means the bank won’t pay to recover that money.

Is he the om?

Never lend money, never borrow it, easier to keep your friends that way.

Ok Money having read the thread there are two quite simple things you need to do:

1. Work out how quickly you can pay him back (how much per month), let him have your plan in writing and then commit to it.

2. Start saying “no” and meaning it.

I have a six figure income, I wouldn’t ever spend £275 on clothes in order to “fit in”.

Apart from anything else it’s unnecessary. I’ve been to all sorts of dinners, balls, and functions in all sorts of fancy places. A basic, well fitting dress and shoes is always acceptable.

He told you that you needed these expensive clothes because you weren’t “good enough” for his circle? It’s bollocks.

He wanted a trophy to show off.

If you didn’t want to go on the weekend then the answer was “no”.

“No, and don’t ask me a again because I won’t change my mind”

It’s like the money, make a plan and commit to it.

He’s manipulating you.

He started off using your insecurities to manipulate you and now he’s using money.

This isn’t a healthy relationship.

The best thing you could do is repay him and then sever the relationship.

He isn’t kind to you. He isn’t good for you.

A man who doesn’t listen to “no” is very dangerous.

Two sides to this really - speaking as someone who has "loaned" money and variously never got it back / been ghosted, had an agreement the same as you for monthly payment but had to chase it after the first two payments and chasing any kind of payment and being fobbed off each week that it will be appearing any minute in my account.

If you had an agreement about the original loan to pay back 50 per mth and started in September you would have cleared that by January.

So your friend was a fool to then loan you more when you still hadn't cleared that one but clearly gave you the impression that wasn't an issue because they a) loaned more and b) persuaded you to go on this weekend which put you more into their debt

So that is where this all seems odd - they knew full well you had no money, hadn't paid them back for two previous loans and yet still seem to have been keen for and bullied you into spending more, for which they are then demanding payment in full. I do think that is a bit unfair but you were naive to accept more whilst still indebted to them.

For what it is worth when I had a friend in a short term tight financial situation and I wanted to do something they couldn't afford, i paid for everything for them and it wasn't considered a loan (but we are talking drinks on a night out and maybe a cab or dinner not an entire weekend away!)

It sounds like this "friend" uses loaning you money to control you in a way. Don't ask for or accept anything else from them - you are now in a deeper hole due to their insistence you went on this weekend with them. Agree to pay back all the loans in a time-frame and stick too it. Don't be their friend anymore.

Sorry I just RTFT and have a few more comments.
OP you dont say WHY this money was borrowed in the first place? Have you lost your job or something? If not then feeling you "had" to go into debt for an outfit is ridiculous. As is then still being in debt and spending so much on gifts at xmas - honestly if I had loaned you money i would be furious that you bought me gifts, wouldn't accept them and would ask for the money back instead - the reasoning being that if you had that much money to spend why had you not just paid them back (if you were doing 50 per month by December you would have only owed 100 quid)

i DO think this friend sound a bit weird and maybe gave the impression on one hand it was all fine and then has turned it around. For what it is worth when I had a friend who I had paid rent for, i never included anything like paying for dinner or nights out which CLEARLY were not a loan or to be added to the other debt. And I never used that as ammo either so that is unfair.


But I did just read you say this He didn’t get me anything for Christmas and I was a bit miffed at the time, but didn’t think too much of it I’ve never really been about the presents, believe it or not i cannot fathom why you would even expect a gift when you were still a large amount of money in the hole to this person. See above re paying them back over buying them gifts

I'm not going to give you shit, but he sounds toxic. He pressurises you to spend money that he knows you don't have and then hassles you to pay him back.

You can't change the past though. So, take a deep breath and start paying him back as much as you can afford to every month. He's not your friend, OP. Do not spend another penny on him!

Onwards and upwards though, eh? You can fix this.

I think this sort of conversation should be had via phone call or face to face, because we can interpret intent and read it the wrong way. His text might have come across in a snappy, mean way but in his head he's giving you a gentle push.

Call him.

OP.

'Neither a borrower nor a lender be'. A philosophy to live by. Stop all this nonsense and sort your finances out.

What’s a reverse? Anyway, grow up.