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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bit upset re how close friend asked for money back?

267 replies

Moneyissue2 · 27/02/2018 22:03

Debt one: From last August. Money lent for clothes for a certain type of event. Agreed I’d pay back £50 a month until full £245 covered.
I’ve only paid £150 of this back so far and know this is wrong.

Debt two: £250, friend lent bank card sometime during January when times were particularly tight just after Christmas. No limit on spending and no agreed time frame when to pay back but I had every intention of doing so as soon as I had been told how much I owed. On the 17th feb I was told the amount, £250 and intended to pay on pay day this month.

I spent almost 300 on friend for Christmas and about the same again on my immediate family so was a bit short during jan. Friend really wanted to go on a mini break to which I said no as I simply couldn’t afford it. Friend, for reasons I won’t go into really wanted to go it was a celebration of a major happening in his life. He insisted we went and that he would pay. (This is a story in itself, I really did say no numerous times and we even argued as I really, really didn’t want to go)

This expense included paying for my passport to which I agreed to pay back. This was a lot as was a same day turn around. Obviously my passport, my expense, but I did agree to paying more for something when what I would’ve done was simply waited until travel was completely necessary or when I could have afforded to renew. On this two night trip friend spent just under £100 on food and drink and even though he had insisted on paying for everything I did pay for an activity for myself that we did together which was just under a hundred. When I paid for this he did say are you sure you can afford it and I said yes but it will mean I can’t give you any of what I owe you this month.

Due to other business travel arrangements we have not seen or heard from each other a great deal recently and out of the blue I receive a message saying “please can you pay back the £250 bank card debt and £130 passport fee”.
To which I answered “no, actually, I can’t. Do you think I have a spare £380”?
His reply “it’s been two months, and you still haven’t paid last years debt”

AIBU to be hurt that he is making me out to be a terrible bad debt person when he only told me mid feb how much I owed on the bank card and it was only payday yesterday. He also knows how much I earn and that I cannot afford the bank debt and passport in the same month.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 27/02/2018 23:24

Its not illegal to lend a friend your bank card.

springydaff · 27/02/2018 23:25

sounds like you're trying to keep up with him financially.

That just won't work - he's rich, you're not. No amount of £300 gifts is going to change that - especially as you couldn't afford to spend £300 on a gift.

You're not in the same league to quit trying.

Original poster
Moneyissue2 · 27/02/2018 23:27

The items of clothing were more to fit in, than to impress. They are not what I would normally buy for myself, if I wasn’t going anywhere with him. I’m sorry to be so vague.
It did cross my mind to sell them as they are so beautiful, but worried about not getting much for them as tags have been removed.

He didn’t get me anything for Christmas and I was a bit miffed at the time, but didn’t think too much of it I’ve never really been about the presents, believe it or not. I wonder now if that was because he knew about the trip then. Again, sorry for the vagueness.

Thank you all, I wasn’t looking for anything special, just whether or not I was BU, and I got my answer!

I have read every reply. Smile

OP posts:
Branleuse · 27/02/2018 23:29

just give him half of it and give him the rest the month after

thenightsky · 27/02/2018 23:31

Why did you buy him a xmas gift for £300? Is that not rubbing his face in it when you owe him money?

MrsElvis · 27/02/2018 23:33

For goodness sake sell the clothes, yes with the tags removed. That money straight away can go to reducing the debt...

I agree this relationship sounds like a power struggle. You'd probably both be happier to wrap up the payments and walk away

Original poster
Moneyissue2 · 27/02/2018 23:35

Dancing monkey I can sssure you my situation is a million miles away from your friends. Of course there is a whole back story to this that I haven’t included, because it’s irrelevant to this question.

OP posts:
lilabet2 · 27/02/2018 23:35

I actually do think it's a bit awkward for you because your friend did insist on paying for things on the holiday AND you were only renewing your passport because he insisted on going on a mini-break. Is this friend someone you are dating- is there some reason for him to suddenly be irritated? (e.g. the lack of contact?).

Obviously it would be ideal if you could pay him back but it's difficult if your income is low- could you just ask to pay him £75-100 month to repay it?

Original poster
Moneyissue2 · 27/02/2018 23:37

Do you think noghtsky? I honestly hadn’t seen it that way. At that time I only owed £100 don’t forget.
The rest happened after Christmas.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2018 23:39

my preference was NOT to go, I made this very clear then you simply don't go. You don't renew your passport, you don't give him your details to book tickets, and you then don't go on to pay for expensive trips if you're so easily controlled that you go on the holiday anyway.

You owed him money Christmas - you should have paid him back what you owed and bought less.

The first debt, even if you couldn't afford £50, if you'd kept up £10 the other months it would be sorted.

Sounds like after he paid for your shopping, you not getting back to him with a plan to pay back two land and passport costs was the last straw

CherryMaDeary · 27/02/2018 23:40

So you borrowed £250 from him to spend clothes for an event that would please him.

You then spent another £300 on Xmas presents for him.

You spent another £100 on an activity for you both on the mini break you didn't even want to go on.

This friendship is unhealthy and unsustainable.

You say you now owe him £250. Deduct ypthe £100 for the activity, pay him £150 and never spend or borrow a penny from him again. And yes, end the friendship,

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2018 23:41

he insisted on going on a mini-break
You just keep saying no. Thank you but I can't. Thank you but I can't. It might be hard bit that's what grown ups do.

My friends want to go out somewhere lovely for lunch. If its too expensive I won't go. Even if they offered to pay and I just paid for the expensive cocktails, can't afford is can't afford

newcarsmell · 27/02/2018 23:55

This is starting to sound very Pretty Woman. He was asking you to buy clothes to fit in??!

Avasarala · 27/02/2018 23:55

Did you not have his card for one month? How many people were you feeding to spend £250 In a month? When it's your own money, then go ahead but when it's someone else's card then you budget the hell out of it. If you're feeding a family, then maybe but if it's just you then oh my god - what were you doing!

Avasarala · 27/02/2018 23:56

*only have his card for one month

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/02/2018 23:57

Op you give the impression (at least to me) that because all this money was for clothes you didn't particularly want to wear, a trip you didn't particularly want to go on, you don't feel completely responsible for borrowing it. It's all "but he insisted" as though you had no part in this Hmm. You were also pretty free and easy using his card ie not keeping track of what you spent and then waiting for him to tell you how much you owed!

Whatever the backstory/relationship you must surely realise you've taken the piss a bit here.

user1495490253 · 27/02/2018 23:58

Pay him back ASAP and cut him out of your life.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/02/2018 00:02

You spent £300 on him for Xmas and he got you nothing? How did that go when he unwrapped his gift?

On mn you get a daily rant when there's a £30 pair of shoes in return for a box of chocolates.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 28/02/2018 00:03

YABVU.

So if you only owed £100 at Christmas, why not spend £200 on presents and £100 on paying him back? Surely everyone would rather be paid back a debt than be gifted a load of stuff they probably would never have chosen for themselves.

He is absolutely right to ask for his money back and I’m surprised he’s been so nice about it to be honest. You’ve been reckless and careless with money and quite clearly don’t understand the value of it.

When you borrowed his card, you should have kept all the receipts so you knew how much you were spending, rather than using it as a infinite money source.

You say you can’t be friends after this as though he’s in the wrong, when actually the reason your friendship won’t survive this is because you’ve been a cheeky fucker with his money and generosity.

Original poster
Moneyissue2 · 28/02/2018 00:05

Yes had his bank card for a month. Out of the 250 I spent 150 was an unexpected expense, 100 was food (myself and family)

I’m sorry I have that impression, certainly didn’t mean to. The emphasis on him insisting I did these things was to illustrate why I was so upset at having the mini break trip thrown in my face. I completely utterly own the debt. I was upset he expected it back in one month, but, reading through the replies seems I’m wrong to be.

OP posts:
RockafellerSkank · 28/02/2018 00:08

This is so weird! I need more backstory!

RockafellerSkank · 28/02/2018 00:10

You need to learn to just say NO, and live within your means. Neither a borrower nor a lender be - it's a useful saying.

Original poster
Moneyissue2 · 28/02/2018 00:12

Arethereanyleftatall, well, it was a bit awkward actually! I gave him his things that he loved and was very happy with and I honestly thought he would have something, even if tiny. But no, nothing! It wasn’t mentioned. I really do wonder now, it hadn’t crossed my mind before, if because he knew this trip was in the pipe line.

OP posts:
LineysHorseWithNoName · 28/02/2018 00:12

He's not much of a friend.

LemonysSnicket · 28/02/2018 00:14

She didn’t want you to spend a fortune on her at Xmas... he-wants his money back.you owe him it, you should’ve been saving and you’re flaking and hoping he forgets.

You don’t have £380 spare ? Well neither does he because someone owes him it.