To be bit upset re how close friend asked for money back?

[Moneyissue2]

Debt one: From last August. Money lent for clothes for a certain type of event. Agreed I’d pay back £50 a month until full £245 covered.
I’ve only paid £150 of this back so far and know this is wrong.

Debt two: £250, friend lent bank card sometime during January when times were particularly tight just after Christmas. No limit on spending and no agreed time frame when to pay back but I had every intention of doing so as soon as I had been told how much I owed. On the 17th feb I was told the amount, £250 and intended to pay on pay day this month.

I spent almost 300 on friend for Christmas and about the same again on my immediate family so was a bit short during jan. Friend really wanted to go on a mini break to which I said no as I simply couldn’t afford it. Friend, for reasons I won’t go into really wanted to go it was a celebration of a major happening in his life. He insisted we went and that he would pay. (This is a story in itself, I really did say no numerous times and we even argued as I really, really didn’t want to go)

This expense included paying for my passport to which I agreed to pay back. This was a lot as was a same day turn around. Obviously my passport, my expense, but I did agree to paying more for something when what I would’ve done was simply waited until travel was completely necessary or when I could have afforded to renew. On this two night trip friend spent just under £100 on food and drink and even though he had insisted on paying for everything I did pay for an activity for myself that we did together which was just under a hundred. When I paid for this he did say are you sure you can afford it and I said yes but it will mean I can’t give you any of what I owe you this month.

Due to other business travel arrangements we have not seen or heard from each other a great deal recently and out of the blue I receive a message saying “please can you pay back the £250 bank card debt and £130 passport fee”.
To which I answered “no, actually, I can’t. Do you think I have a spare £380”?
His reply “it’s been two months, and you still haven’t paid last years debt”

AIBU to be hurt that he is making me out to be a terrible bad debt person when he only told me mid feb how much I owed on the bank card and it was only payday yesterday. He also knows how much I earn and that I cannot afford the bank debt and passport in the same month.

This is one fucked up OP

He's really done a number on you, OP. Well done for blocking him.

Could you ask for the bag back, sell it and give him the money?

Calling him a friend gives an entirely different perspective than if you'd said he was actually an emotionally (at least) abusive ex and would probably have drawn different responses.
But many of us called it anyway at least on the control / abusive side even though we were told he was a friend.
I can't tell if this was a reasonably short term but intense relationship. I've been there and although from our outside perspective you letting yourself be drawn into further debt, using his card without care, buying him expensive gifts etc - from the understanding of the actual relationship it kind of makes sense.

Regardless he has manipulated you loaning money, giving you his card without limits, bullying you to spend money you don't have to please him by buying clothes he wanted to see you in (and you prob also got a kick out of wearing for him which is also understandable) and bullying you into going away on a trip you couldn't afford for which I had to jump through hoops to go on (emergency passport) and for which the parameters were muddy (he was unclear what he was paying for and what I had to pay for etc)

The reality is as PP have clearly stated he is using this to control you. The only thing you can do now is to add up the total, agreed to an end date and set up a standing order and never talk to him again.

There's a leaking tap here somewhere...

Buying him a bag and going on that trip with him were two very mixed messages. That doesn't say 'get out of my life' - that says 'I can't quit this, I like you.'

You need to work on your boundaries, OP. Don't get manipulated and guilted into spending time with someone who scares you. The debt thing is just a side issue compared to everything else (although of course you should pay it asap so you don't have to interact with him again).

Your last posts just confirmed what was coming out in your OP.
He was and still is very manipulative.

It’s great that you have blocked him. Please carry in with that and stop all contact as soon as you have repaid him the last payment.

I suspect he lent you the money thinking you were going to fuck him

You didn't fuck him

He considers that you have breached the contract you know nothing about. You were supposed to get money, he was supposed to get vagina. YOu've reneged on the deal he made with Imaginary You in his head, and now he's punishing you.

That's all the more reason why you MUST pay him back as soon as possble and get him out of your life.

£300 is a little more than I spend on everyone combined at Christmas.

You were going to pay him £250 back anyway. You're maybe £100 short because of the activity you paid for which you did warn him about. Give him the £150 you should have set aside at least.

Generally, you aren't treating him great but he sounds an odd one.

Oh shit I didn't realise there were 11 pages, sorry.

What an awful, awful man. I'd be inclined to tell him to fuck off out of my life and he could whistle for the rest of the money, tbh (unless you had an agreement in writing, it would be tricky for him to enforce it legally). But I appreciate you are going to struggle to do that while there is still some money owed - particularly as this piece of shit has been messing with your mind for quite some time.

Once you have paid him back and blocked all contact, it might be worth doing a bit of reading on the subject of abusive men and maybe even seeing a counsellor of some kind, so you don't fall for any more awful men.

Well done for blocking him, OP, he sounds awful. And you're starting to sound like you can see that, too.

One thing that keeps striking me: you like to think of the first debt as "only £100". Might be helpful to change your perspective: that is a significant amount of debt to have to a friend (let alone to an abusive not-really-friend!).

If he's a sugar daddy, he's a shit one...you don't 'lend' money when that's the deal, especially if it's about clothes for accompaniment to a special occasion. I know you say he wasn't, but given that's exactly how it sounds to everyone on here, you might want to ask yourself what the hell you did get out of this relationship if you weren't being paid.

The more you say, the more obvious it is that the backstory is actually hugely significant. As a PP said, you've name changed so you can't out yourself.

But anyway. In the absence of this enormous back story, it sounds as though you do owe money, there was never any agreement that it was payment or a gift. I'm still astonished that you thought a £300 gift was a message to say 'get lost'...

Qvar has it nailed. That’s it in a nutshell. Him calling in the debt is you being punished for not putting out.
You deserve so much better.

I’m not convinced this is about sex. I think it’s more about control. Whatever it is though the OP needs to delete, block, ignore and move on (and pay him back obviously).

Definitely end contact with him. Pay back the money & learn from this

I get the £300 goodbye, actually. If somebody's controlling, they can make it very difficult to do what you want when it's not what they want.

It's like being faced with a lion and saying softly, "Nice kitty!" while retreating as fast as possible. Ultimately futile, perhaps, but understandable.

OP, hope he doesn't make it too difficult for you to move on. Don't let him sweet talk you or guilt you back.