My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

[FindingEmo]

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

Your DM must be in shock and blaming herself for what was actually your DF's fault. Make her , or and give her a massive hug.

Your dad's fault entirely. What was he thinking?!

If you were out with your DC's and one followed your DH and did not return....I expect you would assume your child was with DH. Just as your DM would have done.

As others have said I think your DF needs a roasting on return home.

She must be upset but she's also behaving like a total twat.

Your poor DS must have been terrified - I don't see how he has been naughty at all.

Your dad was completely irresponsible though.

Your mother sounds like she got an awful fright while she was trying to do you a favour. Cut her some slack.

This. Couldn't find for twenty minutes?! God,that must have felt like HOURS!
I lost sight of my then 3 year old in a shop who'd decided to wander off and that was only for less than five minutes but seemed forever.
It's a nightmare,go into panic feeling.

Like others have saud, that will have been the worst 20 minutes of her life and people do weird things when traumatised etc. She's not 'refusing to talk to you', she's processing the event and is emotionally exhausted probably.
She needs tea, a cuddle and an 'it's ok mum', everyones ok'.

The feeling of panic and fear literally comes from the depths of your stomach. You go all hot and cold even if you lose sight of them for a second.
Like I saId. You imagine all kinds..

Yes its totally your Dads fault I assume she saw him follow your Dad and assumed (as I would with my Dad) that he was with him - why on earth did he leave a 4 year old on his own.

Your Mum sounds like she is in shock

Its interesting dynamic though that you think that they are punishing you even though you say you get on well with them. I would have said she is worried that you are angry at her and your response rather than anything else.

Certainly dont just go tomorrow - talk to them

Has your Dad returned from his nice walk?

How did your DM know that she had lost him and not that he was with DF still?

I'm surprised you're not more angry - I'd be raging at both of your parents. If they can't cope with the children, then don't offer to take them out.

I understand she is likely traumatised but TBH, she should be apologising & remorseful, not locking herself away.

I'd try to get things back on an even keel (if things are usually good) & then head home & id honestly not let them take the kids out again given their reactions - they can't be trusted. Babysitting in your home would be fine but nothing else. Hope you're all ok & get sorted.

She's not 'refusing' to talk to you; she can’t. She’s in shock, and lying in bed thinking about losing your son. Make her a cup of tea and give her hug.

He wasn’t lost though. He is safely back home. No need for anymore thought about it. Make her a cup of tea and tell her it’s finished.

To say I'd be terribly pissed with your dad is an understatement. Never mind about all other things, what kind of a grandfather is that to be leaving a 4-year-old alone in what is to all intents and purposes a foreign place? God forbids, much, much worse could have happened in those long 20 mins. Bloody hell . . .

"Yes its totally your Dads fault I assume she saw him follow your Dad and assumed (as I would with my Dad) that he was with him - why on earth did he leave a 4 year old on his own."

I agree it was the Dad/Grandad's fault for just telling a four year old to go back and expecting that to happen.

But if the Mum/Grandma saw the four year old following him and assumed they were together, and the OP's Dad is still out, the OP's Mum wouldn't have been looking for him would she? She would have thought they were together and not looked at all, yet the OP says she found him twenty minutes later.

It's a bit confusing really as to what happened there. If she thought he was with his grandad, she wouldn't have been looking for him to find him.

OP your Mum sounds shocked and upset and it may be that she doesn't know how to face you, rather than that she's blaming you.

Another thinking that your mum is really upset. She's probably both shocked and utterly fuming with your dad.

3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic

Do bear in mind that this might have been the last straw for DM. I'm not implying that they are badly behaved at all, but 3 young kids will cause a LOT of mess and noise, that's just what they do.

Agree with diddl, surely they are both to blame. Did your mum not notice your son kept on walking with your dad rather than staying with her?

Unless the plan for her to go to the park with both children changed, say if your dad said to your mum oh it's ok he can carry on walking with me, you go to the park with youngest. Then perhaps she assumed your dad would then accompany your son back to the park after walking the dog with him. She may have assumed he had the sense to walk your son back, I think my mum would assume my dad had that common sense if this happened to them. If they verbally changed the plan then I'd say she is less to blame.

But if no change of plan was mentioned between them then sorry but I would blame your mum and dad equally. In this case why wasn't she watching her gc who managed to wander off after your dad?

Your dad should never have sent a young child off back to find your mum by himself. Then again my parents are getting older, in their 70's now and I've noticed they have sometimes forgotten what it's like to have young children. They have done some silly things like leaving sharp things out, I've mentioned it and they said they just didn't think. Telling a 4 year old to walk back by himself to find his nan is a bridge too far though, I'm assuming you mean your dad didn't stay to watch his gc reach his nan safely if she was within sight, and that it was a fair distance for your son to get lost for 20 mins?

If you have a normally happy relationship with your mum then I'd assume she is crying and can't talk because she's in shock and so upset. Has she actually said she blames you? The only reason I'd think my mum is blaming me is if I have a narcissist for a mum who regularly employs these kind of tactics and diverting blame away from herself with drama.

If your mum doesn't do that kind of thing normally and you have a good relationship, I'd say she is actually in shock, angry with herself and your dad and can't function right now. Like others have said, if that's the case then I'd take her up a cup or tea and give her a hug, then find out all the facts on what happened. She is probably feeling ashamed and that you are (rightly) angry with her. If I had lost a child, anyone's child, even for a minute, I'd probably feel physically sick, and after 20 minutes I'd be feeling very physically unwell from the stress in all sorts of ways.

It sounds more like OP's dad is at fault here; he should have made sure the 4 year old went back to the park and OP's mum. Even if it meant he didn't get his quiet walk .... which he carried on taking!

I don't understand why OP isn't actually commenting on that, but appears to be blaming her mum. I can only imagine how awful she feels. Luckily, everyone is safe and sound.

Have you spoken to your father, OP? Has he given his account of what happened?

Going on what you've said here, your DF would be to blame - it's not reasonable to expect a four year old to find his way back to your DM, especially in a park that's he is not familiar with.

But when did your mother realise he was missing? Did your father return without him, so he could have been missing for a while already? Does she have form for taking to her bed over disagreements so you can't talk to her about it ?

I suspect your mum's behaviour is off a bit as a) she was terrified and b) she's actually furious at your dad but conscious of the consequences if she really lets rip at him. You don't live there permanently therefore it is easier to be snappy with you as she will have to put up with your dad's reaction a lot longer.

Is your dad back yet? TBH losing your child was mostly his fault. He was the one who sent him back to your mum without knowing where she was and trusting a 4 year old to know where they were supposed to be going. If they're anything like mine at that age, they'd see something which interested them and be off like a shot.

Yes, did she know he was lost?

Oh stay on and make peace with your mum.

She's frightened and feeling guilty and incomoetent and incapable - all of which are unfair because your df should have walked ds back to his nan, not just told him to go. She's putting the fault onto you atm because it's too big for her to carry. She needs to shout at someone and blame them, but the guilty party is not there.

Let her get over the shock of what could have happened, and in the morning tell her no harm done, ds is OK and sympathise with how dreadful she must have felt.

It was a mistake. Trust them to have learnt from it - they will have, won't they? - and move on.

Is there a reason you haven't ripped your father's head off yet? This is entirely his fault. I would never trust him to watch the children again.