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AIBU?

My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

524 replies

FindingEmo · 24/02/2018 17:44

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

OP posts:

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MammaAgata · 24/02/2018 18:08

She’s in shock. Must have been really stressful, also dealing with the mental load of your fuckwit dad who in my opinion is 100% to blame here...

MissMary0fSweden · 24/02/2018 18:09

Poor woman sounds like she's had a fraught day and needs a break. If I were you I'd leave her alone and manage by yourself for a bit.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/02/2018 18:09

Good God missing for 20 minutes. It probably felt like 20 years. She's clearly in shock. Who wouldn't be.
Your poor mum snd dad must have been running an absolutely hysterical. Any disgusting paedo could have taken your little one.. it just doesn't even bare thinking about. They must have all sorts of scenarios going through their mind.

InsomniacAnonymous · 24/02/2018 18:09

I agree with a PP, in your place I'd just go home and leave her to it. Refusing to have anything to do with you is ridiculous. Take the hint and leave.

lalalalyra · 24/02/2018 18:09

Your Mum didn't lose him - your Dad did.

Your mum is probably angry at your Dad and feeling absolutely sick. It's bad enough when you lose sight of your child for a few moments, but her daughter's baby was missing for 20 minutes. She'd have been thinking all sorts, including having to tell you that they'd lost him.

Talk to her. It'll be a really long week if you let this fester.

lalalalyra · 24/02/2018 18:10

Does your father even realise that your DS was missing or was your mother dealing with it all on her own?

logicalmum · 24/02/2018 18:11

Totally irresponsible of your dad, he's the only one to blame in any of this. I'd be asking him for sn explanation. We are grandparents, there's no way my dh would do that. Your mum should definitely give him a good telling off.

diddl · 24/02/2018 18:11

I think that they are both to blame.

Why was your son even allowed to follow your dad at all?

FindingEmo · 24/02/2018 18:13

We were supposed to go home tomorrow but our builder called and said a couple of things are further behind than they should be but I think ill take them home anyway.

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/02/2018 18:14

She might think you blame her. Tell her this is not the case at all. I didnt see the part about your dad telling your ds to find his nan. Hes a 4 year baby. WTAF was he thinking off. Who does that.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 24/02/2018 18:17

Agree that this is totally your dad's fault. What sort of fucking idiot leaves a 4 year old alone and trusts them to return the way they came?
Not your mum's fault at all and she is probably really stressed, thinking about all the things that could have happened. I bet that 20 mins felt like a lifetime and she is having a physical reaction which gas made her feel ill.
If you want to feel pissed off, direct it to your dad!

SoupyNorman · 24/02/2018 18:18

Refusing to have anything to do with you or just taking to her bed for a while? The two things are not the same.

threeelephants · 24/02/2018 18:19

"She might think you blame her"
But, she hasn't even told the op what happened! She stomped off, leaving a frightened four year old to explain! There's no excuse for the way she is behaving right now.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/02/2018 18:20

How is your mum blaming you? Did she say something to indicate that or is it just that she's gone upstairs and left you to it. Did you say anything to her (even accidentally) to make her feel you think she was neglectful?

Unless there was a real row or hard words between you and her, I'd probably take her a cup of tea, say "That's OK, Mum, shit happens. DS is fine and that's all that matters", and leave her to collect herself. I think most of us can manage to cook tea with a few kids hanging on our knees.

But I'd give your dad a good talking to!

MatildaTheCat · 24/02/2018 18:20

Have a nice chat later and tell them you aren’t angry but concerned they had a terrible fright. ( I accept you probably are angry but not much point in saying so).

And yes, go home tomorrow. I think parents of very young children can totally underestimate how exhausting it is for grandparents when a family comes to stay.

Hope it all settles down.

bastardkitty · 24/02/2018 18:21

They are both responsible, your father more so. If I was in her shoes and needed some time out after such a monumental cock up, I would text and explain why rather than disappearing and looking like a selfish knob. Can't you go home and pick up a takeaway on the way? You must be frazzled and it sounds like a nightmare.

Slartybartfast · 24/02/2018 18:22

no dont go home, you need to put things back on an even keel with your dm.
what an awful shock for her.
silly df.
tell her it is ok

HighDefinitionComfy · 24/02/2018 18:22

I imagine that your Mum is furious with your df for not ensuring ds1 was returned to her safely. As pp have said, cut her some slack.

NorthernLurker · 24/02/2018 18:23

So you're narked with your mum and sending a four year old to apologise for getting lost? I think you have issues attributing responsibility instead of focusing on looking after your mother and your kids.

GnotherGnu · 24/02/2018 18:26

Your account of her behaviour doesn't sound as if she's acting as if it's your fault, unless she's said more than you describe here. She may well be hiding away because she's shocked and also ashamed. I can vividly remember the dreadful feeling when I lost dd for a minute - those 20 minutes must have been an utter nightmare.

Mishappening · 24/02/2018 18:27

We've all had these moments when we fear a child is lost. My first DD left a campsite aged 6 (she knew she could play on the swings and must not leave the small site); my youngest was chasing her sisters and their friends round and round a clump of bushes in a wood, and after one circuit failed to appear - she had totally vanished.

These moments are engraved on my memory. Cut your Mum a bit of slack - she is probably feeling quite desperate.

Piffpaffpoff · 24/02/2018 18:27

I expect she’s feeling going over and over what might have happened, feels terrible, upset and can’t face you. I’d say at this point you need to be the ‘mum’ in this situation and make the first move - go up, give her a hug, tell her everything is fine and ask her if she needs anything. She’s probably too scared to talk to you.

LovingLola · 24/02/2018 18:28

A 5 year old boy drowned in a river in Northern Ireland last week after being carried in the water for 45 minutes - a distance of over 4 miles. His parents did not realise he was even missing until his twin brother came to them soaking wet having been in the river as well and managed to get out.
I would say your mother is in a state of total shock and reliving that 20 minutes over and over in her head. She could have been coming home to you with much worse news.

HamishBamish · 24/02/2018 18:30

Sounds to me like she’s very upset and probably exhausted but the whole thing. I would be going up to check on her and see if she needs anything.

KurriKurri · 24/02/2018 18:30

She's probably feeling terrible that she lost your child (even though seh didn;t, your Dad did) and htinks you won;t let her take them out again.

What has your Dad said - is he admitting any fault? Is he helping get the tea ready if you are bf ? Is he distracting your DS by playing a game with him? Has he gone to chat to his wife to see why she is so upset?

Just one or two suggestions of things he could do to show he is sorry for losing your DS.

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