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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

524 replies

FindingEmo · 24/02/2018 17:44

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

OP posts:
rafenauen · 26/02/2018 21:36

Shame guilt and horror will render communication a nightmare. She may be angrey with df too! Tell her these things happen and not to blame herself - she will feel like she'll never look after kids again, and is trying to get you to reject her

Lemons1571 · 26/02/2018 22:00

My mother was exactly like this, would have reacted in the same way. It was bloody exhausting being stonewalled and eventually told how ungrateful I am, when whatever had happened had been twisted into being my fault. She was always “hurt”, “offended”, needed time to “get over it”, it was my fault for “not being able to see how she felt”. She had serious boundary issues as fully subscribed to the idea that children are just an extension of their parents. Yet to the outside world we would’ve looked like a mutually supportive loving family.

I really feel for you, it’s such a horrible wretched feeling when you’re in this position. Do you rely on them for any childcare whilst you’re at work? That was what screwed me, her trump card if you like. If not, I would leave it as long as possible with no contact and once the fog has lifted you might find you actually feel relieved.

My mother died nearly a decade ago. To be honest, it probably set me free, and also my children from seeing their mother emotionally manipulated. It was such a toxic dynamic. I would definitely say withdraw a bit, see less of them and find yourself again, it’ll be easier to reset boundaries then.

Oh and beware of the flying monkeys and/or sudden mysterious illnesses created to pull you back into line.

Come over to the stately homes thread and see if you recognise others experiences of toxic behaviour from parents.

Nanny0gg · 26/02/2018 22:22

at 4, my DC were in P1. If they were out on a trip with school, for example, I'd absolutely expect them to be able to follow instructions

But on a school trip they wouldn't be sent back to find someone on their own.

Geordie1944 · 26/02/2018 22:34

This reply has been deleted

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manicmij · 26/02/2018 23:04

Happened to me with friends 5 year old. Was almost at the point of phoning police when I spotted her. Felt exhausted and so guilty afterwards. Told friend who was sympathetic telling me it could easily have happen with her. Your mother is probably shattered and feeling guilty.

Original poster
FindingEmo · 26/02/2018 23:17

Geordie I'm sorry if a big family argument which has had a serious impact in my ds and cut me off from my parents who I've always been close to seems like piffle to you but its having a serious effect on me at the moment. Why did you bother to post if its so trivial to you?

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 26/02/2018 23:23

Oh ignore Geordie they're one of those sad troll types who gets some kind of fulfilment from being cunty on the anonymous internet. I've reported their nasty post so hopefully that will be gone soon and they'll crawl back off to wherever they came from Smile

Jux · 26/02/2018 23:23

Geordie, unnecessary, unkind and actually untrue.

Italiangreyhound · 26/02/2018 23:30

Ignore Geordie, obviously nothing better to do.

Hope you are OK, OP.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/02/2018 23:33

Geordie. No one is forcing you to read this 'piffle'.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/02/2018 23:35

Geordie is clearly bored and looking for someone to upset and you were the target,op. Sadly the Internet is full of these idiots. Theyre probably more to be pitied.

NotACleverName · 26/02/2018 23:36

Is there somebody stood behind you, gun to your head, forcing you to read the thread, Geordie?

OP, I hope things have been better for you today. I had a smidgen of sympathy for your mum until I read that she was in her late 50s. There's no excuse for her acting like a melodramatic drama queen in the way that she did.

Dollyberg · 27/02/2018 00:02

Your mum was trying to be kind. What she needs some love, affirmation, gratitude and appreciation so she doesn’t have to carry the burden of guilt. There is not a parent on the planet that hasn’t had a child run-off from time to time…

MadRainbow · 27/02/2018 00:34

Been watching the thread OP have also read all your updates. How is DS now? And what was your DH reaction to all of this? Perhaps he has some insight into whether this is more normal behaviour for your Parent's then you had realised?

Hope you're feeling better

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2018 00:36

Your mum was trying to be kind. What she needs some love, affirmation, gratitude and appreciation so she doesn’t have to carry the burden of guilt. There is not a parent on the planet that hasn’t had a child run-off from time to time…

Oh dear god...

My kids have run off from me. My fault.
If someone else's kids had run off I would have apologised, not taken to my bed like someone from an Austen novel having a touch of the vapours.

Fionne · 27/02/2018 01:45

My fourth DC. When are my 'huge tracts of silence' due?

At almost 60 and with 6 grandchildren I very often have sole charge of Im hoping my huge tracts of silence only come when Im dead.

Fionne · 27/02/2018 01:57

Geordie I'm sorry if a big family argument which has had a serious impact in my ds and cut me off from my parents who I've always been close to seems like piffle to you but its having a serious effect on me at the moment. Why did you bother to post if its so trivial to you?

Sorry Op, but the more you post the more Im inclined to think that you're all as daft as each other.

Someone said earlier on that the last thing you needed was to post about the situation here and I think that was the best post of the thread. Maybe now would a good time to leave the thread alone and let things settle down over the next few days. You have a lot of angry posters here on AIBU who have problems in their own life they're not able to do anything about so they get their release here. Just be very careful your relationship with your parents doesn't fall foul of these posters.

Im sorry that what happened as impacted on your boy but please dont let whats going on now make his situation any worse. Children are very good at picking up things.

frasier · 27/02/2018 02:11

I think the OP is very level headed, posting on here is a lot better than bottling it up or discussing it with someone on the phone re the children "picking up things", and does not need anything to "settle down" because she did the right thing and went home.

emmyrose2000 · 27/02/2018 03:17

dm sighed and said oh we will have to cancel l our weekend away because you cant possibly cope with all 3 boys by yourself all weekend. I told her that I didn't expect them to cancel their trip and of course I can look after my children on my own and she just said we'll see and carried on with what she was doing. I'm going to give things a few days to settle and then give her a quick ring.

Your mother really enjoys playing the martyr doesn't she? She also wants to paint you as incompetent so she can swoop in and be the "rescuer". Neither of these behaviours are acceptable. Stop running after her and reinforcing to her that her behaviour is ok. It's not.

CosyLulu · 27/02/2018 03:46

I would wait for them to call you. They sound quite controlling, assuming you will automatically need them when your dh is away. They screwed uo, especially your df, and are unable to tame responsibility. I hope this doesn’t all have a negative impact on ds1.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 27/02/2018 07:00

YABU and inconsiderate - she probably had an absolute fright. Those 20 minutes probably felt like hours. Just tell your mum it’s ok and you forgive her. She’s not the first person to do and she sure won’t be the last.

CherryMaDeary · 27/02/2018 07:59

Sorry Op, but the more you post the more Im inclined to think that you're all as daft as each other.

How on earth does OP sound daft? Hmm

CherryMaDeary · 27/02/2018 08:00

Sarahrelly have you even RTFT?

MsGameandWatching · 27/02/2018 08:03

Someone said earlier on that the last thing you needed was to post about the situation here and I think that was the best post of the thread.

Really? Don't post on MN for support about something you're really stressed and upset about? People post on here for far more trivial reasons to get advice and they usually get it without people telling them they shouldn't have and should just be handling it themselves.

CherryMaDeary · 27/02/2018 08:06

And I really agree with StormTreader's post below, which makes much more sense than the posts by what shakeyyourcaboose called the 'GM cheerleaders and comforthers'.

Sounds to me like your mother rather enjoys seeing herself as having to "martyr" her own needs because she has to still look after you, while your father thinks everyone just makes too much of a fuss about everything.
By them coming back and you NOT immediately taking all the blame - either by denying there was any to be had by anyone (telling your dad it was all fine) or by consoling your mother (You dont need to be upset mum, its not YOUR fault, its DSs fault, its MY fault by raising a naughty child), you are not playing into their "one weak one, one strong one" dynamic.
They are both punishing you for it - your dad by calling you ungrateful and your mum by removing herself emotionally and physically from you. They are both punishing you by threatening to remove support and leave you "to cope with it all on your own" - your dad by saying they wont babysit again, your mum by not giving you the money for the thing she ordered "I hope youve got enough".

You say youre going to give it a few weeks for things to calm down - is that your usual response? That you let a few weeks pass and then everyone goes back to how things were and the matter is never spoken of again so that they can