My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

[FindingEmo]

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

[Mabelface]

When you've sorted the kids out, take her a brew and give her a hug now things have calmed down. She's probably furious at herself, and your dad and is finding it hard to face you. People react to shock in different ways.

[WannaBeWonderWoman]

It must have been a terrible shock for you too OP .

Your mum taking to her bed and refusing to discuss it seeing it as it was YOUR son that was put in danger, is pretty shit behaviour and not normal at all.

Was the 'missing' 20 mins when neither she nor your Dad knew where he was or when he was with your Dad but she didn't realise? Was he actually 'missing'?

Its a pretty poor show on both their parts. Your mum should have called to your Dad was he taking him with him rather than just letting him go off, and your Dad should have taken him back to your Mum if he didn't want him with him. Its not as if they had 4 or 5 kids to keep track of, there were only two.

Poor boy. I would go home and wouldn't trust either of them again while your DC are this young.

[QueenB14]

Agree with pp about it being your dfs fault. Also about your dms stress and physical reaction. Before Christmas I lost dd age 3 for no more than 5 mins...when she was found and id hugged her and fussed over her etc I sat down and couldn't get back up again because I was shaking so much. I felt sick to my stomach for hours and my head was banging. If I could have taken to my bed I would have

[RadioGaGoo]

If, as some people are suggesting, that it is too much for your parents (even though they invited you all) keep it in mind for the future and maybe think very hard about agreeing to any future sleepovers.

[Mishappening]

I am a grandmother and frequently care for my many GC. I know how I would be feeling at this moment if I were your Mum and it makes me shudder to think about it. Give her a hug please!

I should also say that living with incompetent and thoughtless grandfathers can be the fate of grandmothers, so she probably has this to deal with as well.

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

Your father is the one at fault, and your anger should be directed at him, not your mother.

As far as having to juggle three children and cook tea...they are your children so I'm not sure why you're feeling hard done by there.

[PastaOfMuppets]

Plenty of PPs are assuming how your DM feels about this but you really can't know without her actually talking to you about it.

Her taking to her room and not speaking to you after a potentially traumatic incident is not a great way to deal with something and she is making this all about herself not behaving like an adult.

Has your DD returned from his walk? How did your DM even know DS1 was missing if she thought he was with your DD? I don't understand that part. Are you more vexed at her behaviour post-event than anything else? Otherwise I don't get why you're not furious with your DD about this.

I'd find a way to leave asap as it sounds as though your DPs are a bit over having so many young DGC in their house by now. The fact that you are exhausted cooking dinner with the 3 DCs underfoot suggests that your DCs need plenty of attention so maybe your DPs are ready for a break by now.

[bastardkitty]

Her mother agreed to take them to the park and let the boy go off after the GF who wasn't aware of his presence. Neither of them covered themselves im glory and sjitty comments towards the OP are completely uncalled for.

[TiffanyAtBreakfast]

I think your poor Mum is mortified and probably traumatised from losing your DS! Yes it's a bit odd to retreat upstairs, but she can do whatever she likes in her own home. You sound more angry about having to actually parent your own children by yourself for a bit than you are about the fact that DS got lost!

It's not your parents' job to help you 24/7 just because they're there. If they do, great, but it shouldn't just be expected. Hopefully once your mum has had some time to cool off she'll be back down full of apologies (not that it was her fault, it was definitely your DF's imo) and all will be well.

[nocoolnamesleft]

What the fuck was your "D"F thinking? I think you're blaming the wrong grandparent here.

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

And for the PP saying it must have been a shock for the OP? It is not the same at all.

By the time she found out the child had ever been lost, she already had him back safe and well. Her DM had to live through 20 minutes of absolute fear and uncertainty. Much worse.

[BakedBeans47]

Do you not think it’s infinfitely more likely she’s gutted rather than punishing you. Go make her a cup of tea.

[WannaBeWonderWoman]

The OP said she was struggling to cook as her DS was very upset and she'd been left to deal with it and cook. The ones who created the situation to cause the upset left her to it! I would be extremely pissed off too.

Sorry OP I take it then from reading that, that your DS was alone for the 20 mins then then and very frightened. Even more shit that your Mum buggered off to bed then!

I wouldn't have sent your DS to apologise to her. It surely should be the other way round?

[plimsolls]

It’s your dad’s fault surely? Why have you blamed your mum? I think she’s probably still shocked and overwhelmed and not able to communicate with you properly. She’s not “punishing you for losing your son” of course she’s not.

Totally understandable that you’re upset (I would be) but I think your mum’s perspective and feelings are important here too.

FWIW, my daughter nearly had a bad accident due to my dad’s (accidental) carelessness. I was furious and so so so upset.

My mum reacted really strangely at the time but in hindsight I realise she was unable process the combinations of the strong shocked emotions and the uncharacteristic rage she felt at my dad for his carelessness and my loss of control in being so upset. I suspect this is similar.

[PuppyMonkey]

Your mum and dad have both cocked up big time. I’d forget cooking tea and just give your DS a big hug. Assume DF is still out totally oblivious to all this.

[mumof06darlings]

How did you react when your Mom came back and told you what happened?

[NotAgainYoda]

I'd talk to her if I were you.

Or alternatively we could carry on for 10 pages - theorising, philospohising, projecting, arguing and assuming

[Snugglywithmycat17]

What I find strange is that u let your mum just walk off to bed? I would be wanting to discuss it all and certainly would have followed her straight up there if I felt she needed support.

[BangPippleGo]

How did you react when your Mom came back and told you what happened?

This! Given that in your OP you clearly blame your mum for something that is not her fault, I bet you've done the same to her face too, which is probably why she isn't talking to you. Because she's done nothing wrong and had a fright.

[Tomorrowillbeachicken]

she's probably embarrassed

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Why didn’t your father walk your DS back to his grandmother
I’d be fdirecting my anger
/ disappointment/ whatever at him!

[Bluedoglead]

Definitely your dad’s fault not your mum’s. If you have said to your mum she lost your DS you need to go and apologise to her.

[Tomorrowillbeachicken]

Your dad also needs some common sense. You don't let a four year old walk off on their own.

[RainbowGlitterFairy]

shes probably scared that you are pissed off with her and feeling horribly guilty

[RadioGaGoo]

Best thing to do OP is apologise, leave and then suggest that in the future, because they can't seem to cope too well with the DC, that it's best that you or your DH accompany them in any trips put with the DC. That way, you will know that this will not happen again.