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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

524 replies

FindingEmo · 24/02/2018 17:44

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

OP posts:

CoffeeOrSleep · 24/02/2018 17:52

Agree she's probably struggling with her own upset, and can't deal with facing you, as she knows you'll be angry/upset - because she'd have been with her parents if they'd lost you at 4 for 20 minutes.

Or it could be she's angry at herself, but is turning it on you ("well if she hadn't left me with her children, it wouldn't have happened" etc) to make herself feel better about fucking up.

Perhaps rethink staying with them for a whole week if your Dad cant' cope with 3 pre-schoolers in the house.

ScattyCharly · 24/02/2018 17:52

Your mum must be traumatised.

However you need eyes on a 4yo and 2yo the entire time. In an unfamiliar public place they should either have their hands held or be on reins. I cannot believe your dad thought he could just tell the 4yo go back to your Nan and it would magically happen.

That said, a 4yo, 2yo and baby is a hideous workload. As is feeding 6 people constantly.

Flippetyflip · 24/02/2018 17:52

Your mum is probably totally stressed out and upset by what happened. Terrifying to lose a child for that long. Is she worried about your reaction too?

kaytee87 · 24/02/2018 17:53

I think she's probably very upset and is worrying she might cry if she speaks to you about it.

My mum used to child mind over 30 years ago, she 'lost' a 3yo boy once for about 10 minutes and she still remembers the panic and how upset she was to this day.

Scrumptiousbears · 24/02/2018 17:54

She's clearly terribly upset and beating herself up about it.

Pearlsaringer · 24/02/2018 17:54

Completely your DF’s fault, and she is probably really angry with him and can’t express it, and upset because she thinks you will be cross with her. Take her a cup of tea and give her a hug.

notapizzaeater · 24/02/2018 17:54

Your poor mum must have been petrified, I think I would have had to lay down with the stress. It's bad enough loosing your own yet alone loosing yours. What was your dad thinking leaving the 4 yr old to get back to your mum though ?

Tanith · 24/02/2018 17:55

Your mum didn’t lose your son; your dad was the last to have charge of him.

Has he blamed her?

Drainedandconfused · 24/02/2018 17:55

I’d say your mum is feeling terrible, losing your son probably gave her the fright of her life, I agree with another poster and say she’s feeling embarrassed and having lots of what if thoughts.
I lost my DS last year for about 35 minutes at a huge nature reserve, he’s SEN and non verbal, it was the scariest experience of my life. The police had 7 units on the way and a helicopter about to go up when he was found. It is a feeling of panic and fear like you couldn’t imagine.
Make your mum a cup of tea and talk to her, I very much doubt she’s sulking.

whyismykid · 24/02/2018 17:55

Just take her a cup of tea up to show that you still love her. Loosing and then someone else’s child - especially a much loved Grandchild would be unbelievably awful. And it definitely sounds like your Dad’s fault

kaytee87 · 24/02/2018 17:58

And it does sound like your dads fault

StealthPolarBear · 24/02/2018 17:59

Shifty why should she apologise?

whiskybysidedoor · 24/02/2018 17:59

What does your 4 year old say about what happened?

It sounds like your Dad hasn’t been very nice tbh and behaved badly. By wailing and freaking out all attention is diverted from his actions. By the time she has ‘recovered’ whatever he has done will have neatly been swept under the carpet.

Situp · 24/02/2018 17:59

Do you think she is also avoiding talking to you because she thinks you might have a go at her?

Cup of tea and a hug should fix things.

DalekDalekDalek · 24/02/2018 18:00

Your DF was a bit stupid and didn't think what he was doing properly. Your DM has had a terrible fright and probably just responding in an unusual way to the shock.
You need to give her a minute to calm down and I'm sure everything will be fine. If she's still not talking to you tomorrow fair enough but I think your being a bit quick to jump on her behaviour.
And to the pp who said the boy had been "very naughty" no he wasn't, he was just being a little boy. Maybe he couldn't find his way back, that's not his fault.

Original poster

FindingEmo · 24/02/2018 18:00

She probably is in shock but I'm a bit confused as to why she's acting like its my fault.

I didn't leave her to look after my kids, she offered to take them to the park.

By juggling 3 kids I meant I'm trying to cook, bf ds3 and comfort ds1 who hasn't stopped crying and wont stop clinging to me (understandably).

I have sent ds1 to apologise now he's calmed down a bit and explained why he should have stayed with his nan.

OP posts:

threeelephants · 24/02/2018 18:01

Your dad sounds like a dick, sorry.

As for your mum...well, my mum does things like this. If there's a situation where she's in the wrong, then it will always be turned around so that whoever points out that she is wrong is the bad guy. The more serious the situation, the more vile she is.

Now obviously, the people saying she's in shock etc are very likely to be right, and the people who are pointing this out probably have ordinary, caring parents in their lives. But, just in case your mum is not like that, it's worth considering another perspective.

If she is more like my mum, then I'd go home. I've learned to treat mine like a toddler...bad behaviour does not get rewarded. She doesn't get to do something wrong and then have a tantrum when someone points it out.

I have to stress though, that if your mum is usually reasonable and normal then my advice is not applicable.

Berthatydfil · 24/02/2018 18:02

Totally agree it’s your dads fault. He should never had walked off without making sure your son was with your mother or at the very least within a close direct line of sight of her.

FizzyGreenWater · 24/02/2018 18:02

Hang on, this is totally your dad's fault!!!

What a stupid thing to do! Just tell a 4 year old 'go back to your nan' and just walk off not checking that he has?!

So your dad is business as usual and it's your mum taking on the mantle of the shame/blame/ upset?

He deserves a ROASTING.

I'd be taking her a cup of tea and making it QUITE clear that he completely failed to take reasonable responsibility.

Myfavouritechild · 24/02/2018 18:04

If anyone is to blame here it is your Dad, he should have realised your son would need to be taken back to your mum rather than just left to sort himself out, he’s 4 FFS. Go upstairs and give your mum a hug, she must have been petrified. I would have been.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2018 18:05

I’d be really pissed off with your father. He should have returned your ds to your mother. It sounds as if she turned her back for a few moments and he was gone. She must have been beside herself.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 24/02/2018 18:05

Your DF is at fault, what was he thinking sending a four year old back and not physically taking him to your DM? I wonder if words were said and if your dad blamed/shouted at your mum?

Pollypudding · 24/02/2018 18:06

I think your mum must be really upset and traumatised and probably angry with your dad too. Be kind to her as all ended well. My mum lost my son on a camping trip for half an hour 25 years ago. He had wandered off while they were putting up the tent. He was 5 at the time and she actually said to me last week it was the worst half hour of her life!

Quadrangle · 24/02/2018 18:06

How much longer are you staying? It sounds like they could do with a break

Tistheseason17 · 24/02/2018 18:06

I sometimes think there are occasions where GPs forget what it was actually like when their babies were little.

A right shock for your mum but def your Dad's fault. Who leaves a 4 yr old to find their Grandma on their own?

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