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AIBU?

My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

524 replies

FindingEmo · 24/02/2018 17:44

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

OP posts:

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2ducks2ducklings · 12/03/2018 15:25

I'm sorry, I admit that I must have missed some of the thread. I wasn't aware that the dad had accused op of being ungrateful and the loss of the planned movie night.
No, my parents definitely didn't blame my son, they blamed themselves.
The way the ops parents subsequently behaved was entirely unreasonable.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/03/2018 17:23

How is your son today Emo.. hope you and he are feeling better

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 02/03/2018 08:22

Just to add a bit of perspective to the age thing; i'm 50 and i HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD! My fourth DC. When are my 'huge tracts of silence' due? grin

My friend is 51, her DH is mid 50s, they have a 4yo. I'll tell her she's due 'huge tracts of silence' next time I see her.

NoSquirrels · 02/03/2018 07:38

Leave them to it, I agree. They’ve been extremely out of order, and no matter what reasons there may be fur that, you are not responsible.

mathanxiety · 02/03/2018 05:40

Have you asked your DS what happened and what they said?

Your parents are waiting for you to grovel to them and apologise.

Do not contact them again. Let them stew now.

Homebird8 · 02/03/2018 05:12

She hasn't replied which I'm really hurt by. I'm just going to leave my parents to it I think.

I think you’re right. You have reached out several times to no response. Their turn to reach out to you with a lot of explaining.

How’s your building site doing?

FindingEmo · 02/03/2018 00:03

Bollocks NC fail!!!

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 01/03/2018 23:34

NC fail?

I’m so sorry but they actually sound bloody nasty. Neither you or DS have done anything wrong, yet you’re the ones being punished.

Leave them to it, but if they do get in touch I’d be pretty cautious about going back to “the way things were” (e.g. them stepping in to “look after” your dc)

FindingEmo · 01/03/2018 23:25

Ds seems fine. Although he has clung to me the last couple of times we've been out.

OP posts:

NatureWalk · 01/03/2018 23:23

I messaged dm on Monday explaining why I was upset at her reaction and that I didn't blame her for losing ds, I was just upset by her reaction to it. She hasn't replied which I'm really hurt by. I'm just going to leave my parents to it I think.

Jedimum1 · 28/02/2018 00:20

Findingemo I hope your son is well and is not aware of the whole GP circus around it, he could think he's being punished, when he has no fault at all :(

(And neither do you, don't forget it when GPs come back with some blame to throw at your face...)

shakeyourcaboose · 27/02/2018 20:24

How's your DS Emo? I'm really feeling for him (and you!) in this!

FindingEmo · 27/02/2018 20:15

Duck that must have been horrific. I understand that it must have been horrible for my mum. I wasn't angry about what happened. I was angry about how my parents handled the situation afterwards.

OP posts:

frasier · 27/02/2018 14:06

I think what is going on waz is that people are defensive (could be for a myriad of reasons) and are taking it out on the OP who has actually behaved impeccably in the circumstances.

MsGameandWatching · 27/02/2018 13:23

Agree Waz there's been some really nasty and some utterly ridiculous responses on this thread.

bastardkitty · 27/02/2018 12:17

2ducks and did they blame your child? Or you? Hope not.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 27/02/2018 12:06

2ducks the issue isn't that they lost the 4 year old but the way they behaved afterwards - blaming the OP and the 4 year old child, the mother refusing to speak to the OP and refusing to go ahead with the movie night she'd promised the 4 year old, and the father calling the OP ungrateful.

2ducks2ducklings · 27/02/2018 12:02

My mom and dad took my kids to Disney land Paris a few years ago and after the evening show ( when the park closes so everyone is leaving) my son who was about 6 at the time got separated from them. He was missing for about 40 minutes. My dad was running round Disney village looking for him amongst the crowds whilst my mom went into a store and alerted staff ( who were brilliant and obviously have procedures in place for this). My son had been found my a lady and taken to a security guard and he was soon reunited with my mom. My mom was hysterical throughout this whole episode and completely lost it when he was delivered back to her ( my daughter was there too and testified to this). My dad was still looking at this point and out of contact with my mom So mom decided to walk back towards the hotel. They were waiting outside for my dad who eventually came back, obviously without my son at this point and was therefore beside himself. When dad saw my son with my mom he just broke down hysterically crying. My kids still talk about my dad crying to this day.
It makes my blood run cold to think what could have happened. But nothing did happen fortunately. And there's no more punishment I could have issues to my parents than for them having to live through that 40 minutes of utter panic and fear.

WazFlimFlam · 27/02/2018 12:00

There is quite a nasty undercurrent in this thread about OP daring to have three children. Normally people with breastfed babies are described as being exempt from normal functioning for months and months on end, but OP is being helpless for struggling to get tea ready with three children and tantruming/sulking parents. What is going on?

Fishface77 · 27/02/2018 08:56

What’s the outcome op?
In your last post you said big family argument, it would be a shame if all this caused a rift that couldn’t be healed.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 27/02/2018 08:53

OP's parents are the ones at fault here, with her DF being the main culprit by not ensuring the 4 year old had gone to the DM. OP has done nothing wrong.

It wasn't up to OP to pander to them and absolve them of guilt and I think she did the right thing in coming away from the situation.

Their behaviour made me think they were much older than me, like 70+, and I'm 49. Can't believe they're not much older after all, it's such childish behaviour.

Strongmummy · 27/02/2018 08:42

she didn’t lose your son, your father did 2) she’s probably gone into shock and can’t face the world 3) you’re a mother of 3 you’re surely used to cooking and looking after 3 kids. I can understand your upset, but cut your Mum some slack and be thankful your son is safe. Your father owes you a massive apology !

JamPasty · 27/02/2018 08:28

FindingEmo - I reckon what your mum was doing while hiding in her room was creating loads of mumsnet aliases so she could post on here multiple times and tell you its you in the wrong! You're not wrong by the way :)

CherryMaDeary · 27/02/2018 08:06

Bold fail there

CherryMaDeary · 27/02/2018 08:06

And I really agree with StormTreader's post below, which makes much more sense than the posts by what shakeyyourcaboose called the 'GM cheerleaders and comforthers'.

Sounds to me like your mother rather enjoys seeing herself as having to "martyr" her own needs because she has to still look after you, while your father thinks everyone just makes too much of a fuss about everything.
By them coming back and you NOT immediately taking all the blame - either by denying there was any to be had by anyone (telling your dad it was all fine) or by consoling your mother (You dont need to be upset mum, its not YOUR fault, its DSs fault, its MY fault by raising a naughty child), you are not playing into their "one weak one, one strong one" dynamic.
They are both punishing you for it - your dad by calling you ungrateful and your mum by removing herself emotionally and physically from you. They are both punishing you by threatening to remove support and leave you "to cope with it all on your own" - your dad by saying they wont babysit again, your mum by not giving you the money for the thing she ordered "I hope youve got enough".

You say youre going to give it a few weeks for things to calm down - is that your usual response? That you let a few weeks pass and then everyone goes back to how things were and the matter is never spoken of again so that they can

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