My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

[FindingEmo]

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

As a gran op my sympathy is with you.

They are behaving very badly probably out of guilt. I wouldn’t trust them again with soul care. This wasn’t a child running into the road in an instant this was very poor judgment.

I can’t helo thinking there’s more to this story. I also find the OP to be somewhat odd. She is playing the little girl card, clearly her parents pander to her, clearly she can’t cope with 3kids if the GPs are always helping out, op is quite childish not going into her mothers room, does the room have a lock in the inside? Why is Op blaming her mother more than father? Why is she having building work done with a newborn? She must have known the situation would be fraught.

I’m sorry I think the OP needs to assess her child like behaviour and stop doing that thing that needy women do.

I doubt very much your mother playing with your child in the playground suddenly turned around after 20 mins and thought shit I’ve lost a child. Did your father return to playground and say where is the other child? And that was when it was realised the child was lost?

We don’t have full story. All we have is OP crying because she thinks she is being blamed for lost child and asking us if this reasonable. Actually the situation isn’t about her.

Sometimes I read Mumsnet and think about how very few people recognise their own behaviour as toxic and see things as other people's faults. But a thread like this really illuminates how toxic people embroider and conflate facts to glorify themselves and minimise the consequences of their actions. It has so little to do with what actually took place. I should think there are a lot of Stately Homes posters and lurkers observing the master class.

Agreed kitty. I'm also wondering how old the average MNer is, due to the victim blaming on this thread. I'm wondering how many grand parents have posted on this thread.

I also agree with MsGame that Cauliflower's post was nauseating.

martellandginger why did you name change just for this post?

FindingEmo what you say in your last post about your mother sighing about having to cancel their weekend away to come and help you when your DH is away nails it. Their narrative is that you struggle on alone with your excess amount of children, and couldn't possibly cope without their selfless and generous help.

Obviously the fact that even with two adults and just two children, they managed to lose one of them for twenty minutes somewhat stuffs up that narrative. It makes them look incompetent, not you. And seriously - what did they do in those twenty minutes - because it wasn't to call for back up in the form of you or the police... no that would have caused them to loose face. Now they are blaming you for - what, exactly?

Martellandginger, OP had 3 small children one of them very scared and crying and the other 6 months old needed BF. Her children needed her attention.
It clearly that she can cope and did exactly it, but her parents see things differently. And she wasn't crying at all , she wanted to be fair and asked for opinions.
The question about building work is a little bit odd. Sometime things needs to be done.

Martello your post is very odd. Almost like you identify with the parents in this?

She is playing the little girl card, - clearly? How?
clearly her parents pander to her, again - how? At first sight it looks like a 'normal' dc/parent relationship. clearly she can’t cope with 3kids if the GPs are always helping out, - presumably the GP are offering? And like most mothers with a newborn, if the GP offer to take the dc out, I'd jump at the chance. Does that make most of us 'unable to cope?'
op is quite childish not going into her mothers room, does the room have a lock in the inside? - why would it need one? I wouldn't go into someone's bedroom without invitation. Even my mother's, if she was in there and the door was shut.
Why is Op blaming her mother more than father? I think the mother is reacting more than the father, who is dismissing and miminising the situation. And, presumably in this dynamic, the mother is the one who 'in the wrong', always. Not the father!

Why is she having building work done with a newborn? Eh? Why wouldn't she? The world doesn't stop until the dc are school age. Presumably she feels she can 'cope'? Like many of us do?

OP - IMHO your parents are being manipulative and bullying. They are your kids; you get to say who does (and doesn't look after them. If they are not capable, or are minimising what happened, you are well within your rights to reduce their contact. And to remove any idea that they can have your children alone.

BTW I am 57. I am most certainly not 'elderly' or unable to cope.

I think your parents are odd/manipulative. I'd probably withdraw a bit, and certainly not allow them to make "sacrifices" to help you out.

With one of my DC I would consider it a success not to be called by tannoy on a supermarket trip, and once saw him race off in the wrong direction on a school walk. If someone else had lost him I'd just be relieved they got him back.
But assuming it was as you have told, your Mum couldn't even cope with the thought of you maybe being upset and has just locked herself away. Either she is being very manipulative - and you should be able to tell by reflecting on your childhood, or she has something else "wrong". For example my DD with ASD sometimes reacts as if I have shouted at her, because she feels that is what I "should" have done.

If this behaviour is new then I would wonder about early onset Alzheimers or something. Maybe if your Dad calms down see how her health is.

Oh and I'm mid 50s and not decrepide yet - I think I'm still perfectly capable of taking care of toddlers etc. Especially if I offer.

There's a lot of "clearly" in your post Martella. Clear only too you, which makes it an opinion only not a "clear" fact.

Martellandginger. Please, tell us more of that 'thing' needy women do. You sound like you think you are an expert on the subject.

I think it was one of those truly awful situations and days for which a thread on Mumsnet is no use to you tbh.

The people you needed to talk to were a)your parents when they had pulled themselves together, despite them dealing with it badly afterwards and b)your son to make sure he knew he wasn’t to blame and help him process the upset (I know you did this).

Taking yourself off home prevented that. Instead now it sounds like it’s turning into a ‘rift’ with your parents, which seems a dreadful shame from what you’ve said.

Fabulous post ‘ovenchips’

What exactly was OP supposed to do? Force herself into her prostrate mother's bedroom? Sounds to me like OP was not assigning blame in any way and has been left no option but to "react" rather than be proactive. Her parents removed all options by withdrawing and then her father became aggressive at point she did try to tackle it.

Why is she having building work done with a newborn?

Why is this even a question? Countless parents do this because, um, they need more space. When we were married we lived in a one bedroom flat; we decided to move when I got pregnant but it took some time to find a house, sort out a mortgage etc and the house we moved into hadn't been refurbished for 50 years. If we'd delayed so as to avoid having building work done with a newborn, we'd have lost the house which was ideally placed for us and, even with the cost of the works, is a considerable bargain.

And what on earth is the relevance of this to OP's parents losing her child and apparently blaming her for it?

Think of their quiet calm life as a couple. Huge tracts of total silence. Perfect order. Everything still and tidy. Calm, unwritten routines going on. Contented understanding. They are older and get tired more quickly. They are less tolerant and get anxious much more quickly.

FFS, they're not doddering old dears in their 80s, they are active working people in their 50s. The chances of them living their lives in "huge tracts of total silence" are zero.

Then you and 3 kids arrive to stay. Even if they were practically statues, it’s an immense whirlwind for them.

Those three children didn't arrive out of nowhere fully formed. They've literally had years to get used to the idea. If they don't like having them in the house, they can always say No.

huge tracts of total silence everything still and calm

Fuck me we are 50 and I booody wish our house was like that. Most people out are are busier then ever they were in their care free 20s.

Our house has older children visiting grandchildren elderly parents and animals also work.

The ops parents are young!! Not 90 odd knitting Miss Marples

califlower

I think you may be assuming the grandparents are much older than they are.

Seriously they are slightly older than me and trust me neither my life or any of my friends lives are how you describe. We all work for starters.

You sound very out of touch to most people’s reality of being 50/60.

Is martella on the same thread as the rest of us? There's victim blaming, having an obscure view on a thread, then tin foil hat territory!

You've done the right thing. As many PPs have said, your son has been through a frightening ordeal and has been upset and punished for it by the adults who ought to have been taking care of him, to make themselves feel better over their guilt. It's all wrong. They owe HIM a big apology (and you!)
I'd spoil DS a bit and make sure he understands that his GPs were angry and upset because they were frightened, that they weren't really cross with him and sometimes grown ups do get cross when they're scared. Ram home the lesson about always staying with a grown up when out of the home then treat him to the movie night he missed out on.
As for your parents, well. Words fail me tbh. I'd steer well clear, let them sort out the upset between themselves and wait for them to come to you with an apology.

I agree.

She could be embarassed hun and that's why she won't come downstairs. If it took her a while to tell you I am sure she is mortified that she was trusted with your children and managed to lose one but finally fessed up because she felt that it would come out in the end. Although I am sure you are upset and confused as to why she is behaving this way, it might be worth texting her if she has a mobile telling her you love her and how you understand that these things happen. If she knows she has your forgiveness she is likely to be more willing to talk. I have three daughters and my middle daughter dissapeared once and after searching sainsbury's terrified for a good half hour I heard a giggle coming from the nappy pants aisle. Yes my daughter was hiding on the Tena lady shelf and thought it was hillarious despite the fact that she had put the whole shop on shutdown while everyone searched for her. It's horrible when things like this happen to you as a mom but even more so when you're entrusted to look after someone elses child, even your own family. Show her forgiveness and I am sure she will open up to you more. x

I have not read through everything yet, but my impression is that your Mum is horrified about what happened and is in shock. It's bad enough when on of your own children goes missing but to lose someone else's is much worse. I think you should try to talk and be understanding towards her. Don't let this frightening incident push you apart. She is probably also furious with your father also and is torn with guilt.
Something bad could have happened but it DIDNT. So, count your blessings and keep your family close.

Well it's happened . You can't trust your parents with the children again.

You are not alone in this - my parents could not look after my children. And as I can recall - they were not too hot at looking after my brother and me. Many friends have very similar stories.

It's what it is .

Wierd, I'm cooking tea, painting the downstairs loo and I'm juggling four kids lol, that parts odd, or do your parents do a lot for you?

Anyhoo, that sounds bitchy, I'm not, maybe a bit jealous ;-) but I would cut your mum some slack, she is angry with herself (most likely) and probably angry with your dad too for sending a little un back. You hear so many horror stories these days, and I admit, I am one of those people that does the same, if I am in the wrong, I get angry and upset and want to be alone to reflect, not to sulk, but to let myself calm down.

Maybe your kids are getting to be a bit of a handful for them?? I would lose it massively if I had parents who let my four yr old wander off on his own. xxx Have a cuppa and tell everyone its done now, no point dragging it on, it happened, you dust yourself down, learn from it, and carry on! :-) xx