My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

[FindingEmo]

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

Sounds to me like your mother rather enjoys seeing herself as having to "martyr" her own needs because she has to still look after you, while your father thinks everyone just makes too much of a fuss about everything.
By them coming back and you NOT immediately taking all the blame - either by denying there was any to be had by anyone (telling your dad it was all fine) or by consoling your mother (You dont need to be upset mum, its not YOUR fault, its DSs fault, its MY fault by raising a naughty child), you are not playing into their "one weak one, one strong one" dynamic.
They are both punishing you for it - your dad by calling you ungrateful and your mum by removing herself emotionally and physically from you. They are both punishing you by threatening to remove support and leave you "to cope with it all on your own" - your dad by saying they wont babysit again, your mum by not giving you the money for the thing she ordered "I hope youve got enough".

You say youre going to give it a few weeks for things to calm down - is that your usual response? That you let a few weeks pass and then everyone goes back to how things were and the matter is never spoken of again so that they can pretend that it was all fine and they werent wrong at all while you failed in some way and "didnt cope"?

Wonder how OP is doing?

Just to add a bit of perspective to the age thing; i'm 50 and i HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD! My fourth DC. When are my 'huge tracts of silence' due?

It could be argued that OPs parents are out of practice with having little kids around, but as OP says her DM is almost over involved in their life i would doubt that. IMO this whole situation sounds more to do with awkward family dynamics than the age of the GPs.

She is poss fuming at your DF and I can’t blame her. Totally irresponsible of him

So she basically sees you as incompetent and that right there is an extreme example of passive aggressive behaviour.

With all due respect OP said she was struggling trying to cook tea with her kids around. I wonder if perhaps she acts more 'childlike' around her parents. Its not uncommon.

ie: feeling like she's being punished....?

The GP fucked up, it could have been awful. It wasn't. Lesson learned.

Your Dad sounds like a selfish brat. If the 4 yo wanted to walk with him, your Dad should have let him. He basically ditched your mum with 2 young children which is a handful for anyone. He should not have allowed your 4 yo to find his way back to your mum alone. I would think your mum is mortified that she lost your son and also embarrassed by your Dad’s selfish behaviour. She may also be finding you staying ther overwhelming, despite the kind offer for you to stay. Good luck OP.

Does not seem to be a full story how far back did the 4 year old have to go ? . Your poor mum she must be really upset . And wondering if she can cope in the future with them .

I bet your Mum is embarrassed and in shock. I know I would be if I lost my grandchild whilst out walking.

Speak to your dad. He obs didn't want to be on grandpa duty and it ended up in a mess. If they took the kids out they should have stayed together, and he could have had a walk by himself when the kids were indoors. Think your mum was upset and him buggering of like that. But going to bed was bit odd as kids will get the idea all round that they've done wrong but won't understand what.

Can someone please explain why they would think the child is naughty?! He was told to go back to his Dn and as someone else has pointed out, at 4 y/o they wouldn’t be able to unless in a straight line at a short distance! It’s not the child’s fault!

OP your mum sounds frightened and maybe embarrassed. It’s DF who should have returned him to her not allowed him to wander on his own. Go take her a brew and a biscuit and reassure her it’s okay. He’s safe and DF should never do that again!

That’s such a horrible response?
Also complaining that you have to feed the kids by yourself? So what.
Sounds like the mum is shocked - she’s been a force of good and something terrible happened. Yeah the dad should have been more on it- but who really had a fright today- mother losing grand kid whilst looking after others... or mum cooking tea for her kids unaided??

I think your dm will be feeling horrified about happened, embarrassed and perhaps feel thoroughly undermined. Having invited you to stay to help you out she nearly lost ds1. It was probably one of the worst 20 minutes of her life.

I don't think she will be taking her eyes off the dcs again so no need to make any more of it than she already is. If she's being tricky I imagine it's because she's feeling pretty bad about herself. Say a few words to df but then let it go and give dm a hug. Her confidence will be badly knocked and she'll need reassuring.

On the plus side, you have lovely, helpful parents - as someone who didn't have a dm to help me bring up my dcs and offer advice I honestly think you and your family are very lucky.

Your Mum has probably had the fright of her life and the worst 20 minutes imaginable; if she has gone to bed - and obviously I don't know the personalities involved here - she must be feeling so shocked that she can't face anyone right now. I made a mistake with the picking up of a young relative that was caused by a total misunderstanding but it made me nearly hysterical with panic at the time (and I am not at all 'like that') and every time I though of it for months afterwards I felt sick thinking about what might have happened ; as a consequence I really feel for your Mum and think that she needs TLC, not any kind of twenty questions or a need to apologise - it didn't appear to be any fault of hers anyway!

Indeed - I made the assumption they were in their 70s, not their 50s. We hadn’t been given that information at the start.

I think I was also slightly coloured in my opinion because my friend, who has young kids has a mum in her 70s, who is terribly frail and it was all quite upsetting as she is desperate to keep trying to normalise things when she just isn’t coping at all. I imagined someone behaving like the OPs mum was similarly frail and not coping.

With the new information, knowing their ages and knowing the additional comments, I have to say most of my sympathy has dried up.

Embarrassed, terrified, humiliated. Horrified, ashamed. I would probably be the same. You should comfort her insyead of being angry. I've lost dc for just a few minutes and it was every horrible movie xs 1000.

She and your df must have had a huge row as well. You don't seem that upset but i bet your dm thinks that you are angry and will never let her see them again.

Go be nice to her. She sounds like a wonderful mother. Df made a mistake and he's also paying for it. Sometimes adult children neef to think past themselves. You do, now.

I actually think the sooner you go and console your mum and let her know you have absolute faith, (as you obviously have had previously), and these things can happen. Next time your dad has to wait till he sees the kid meet the adult etc... but that you are not cross. Also think the kids should feel safe with their grandparents and not get any whiff of you judging your mum. It could be you one day.

Im coming at this left field just to add another perspective due to what I have been through with my parents (my Dad had early onset dementia in his 50s). Just a thought- is this how your Father would normally behave? Is that something he would normally do? Just, my first thought was 'what if your Mum is so mortified because your Dad wouldn't normally do that and she's realising the impact of his behaviour, that she may have been noticing for a while-ie that he's doing out of character things he wouldn't normally do? Just a thought.Hugs to you anyway ,it all sounds very stressful and traumatic xxx

Some 4-yr-olds would be able to walk in a straight line back to a grandparent. Some 4-yr-olds would even be able to walk in a straight line and turn a corner to catch up with a grandparent. If you have a 4-yr-old like that then of course it's naughty if they decide to ignore what they've been told and decide to follow their grandfather instead.

I'd have been annoyed with my 4-yr-old in those circumstances and annoyed with my DF for not checking.

I'd have been completely sympathetic to my DM so she didn't feel to blame or that she was stuck in the middle between DF and myself.
Packing up and going home makes it seem like OP does blame them for what happened which seems odd to me since her parents obviously didn't mean to lose her DS. But perhaps they all just need some space from each other.

I wouldn't let her come round next weekend after saying that.
Sounds exactly like my mother who would barely let me hold DD in the first few weeks of her life "in case I dropped her", "because I needed rest", blah blah blah.
Nope. You look after your kids, she has her weekend away. She's just trying to be a martyr.

WooWooSister. I think the majority of grandparents would know the capabilities of their four year old grandson. If DM and DF knew their DC was capable of walking off, then surely they would keep more of an eye on him.

I'm not sure how anyone could be annoyed with a for year old, but each to their own.

Please don't make your son apologise as some have said: he's 4 and it's absolutely not his fault. Can't believe your DF let a 4 year old wander back by himself, and your DM, obviously upset, is handling it very badly. When my DS was 4 my DF was supposedly watching him: DS was larking about on a high slide ... I could see him, DF stood beside him, doing bugger all about it ... I stood up to go to window to ask DF to get him to stop, just as DS fell 5ft onto the floor ... DF just stood there. I yelled 'for God's sake dad, pick him up' ... and my DF stopped talking to me. Went in a huff and refused to even acknowledge me (this is in my house, btw). My DM then tried to get me to apologise to him for upsetting him! I guess DParents can act in a bizarre way, even when they're in the wrong. I think your DM is mortified but I also think she's trying to avoid blame/confrontation about her actions. She probably knows DF is in the wrong too but doesn't want to blame him to you.

My friend's mum was looking after a child for a friend and was involved in a minor car crash. Just a bump. No one was even injured. It's so terrible but the mum could never get over what might have been. She developed a serious anxiety problem and she actually took her own life within a few months. She couldn't keep it in perspective but felt that she had risked this child's life and could not 'forgive' herself.
Give your mum a hug and reassurance. I lost my 4 year old once. He'd crossed several roads and set off up a shopping street.Its horrible. But I'm not a bad mum or an awful person.

I'm wondering how many grand parents have posted on this thread.

I'm a grandparent!

I would have murdered my DH if he'd done the same as Emo's DP. I absolutely understand the fright. However I'm also older than her parents and I think their behaviour has been appalling.

I would be wary of trusting them again.

My friend is a childminder that uses little electronic tags with the kids she looks after to get an alarm if anyone tries to disappear while her back is turned. She hasn’t lost a child since no matter how hard she tries. Maybe OP could get a set for her parents as a peace offering?

I think it’s a shame to let it fester and then just buzz off tomorrow morning - get everyone together before you go, say you know they were terribly worried, ds was scared and it’s a steep learning curve, but prob best in the future to make sure ds is always accompanied, and for ds to make sure he stays with one or both adults. He wasn’t really in the wrong, but if you clear the air now, and reassure your parents that you know these things happen, it will save the lovely supportive relationship you usually have with your parents, and it won’t happen again. They have all had the scare of their lives (even if your Dad seems unconcerned - perhaps his way of coping)How old are they ? Maybe your Dad was having a ‘senior moment ‘?! It is hard to concentrate when you’re tired/stressed. Maybe your parents were having a row on the walk or something ? Anyway, I wouldn’t be angry with any of them - the scare will be punishment enough I should think ! Hope all goes well.

Just read through. So glad you went home! It won’t have helped the situation with your parents, but honestly, who cares, DS1 comes first and their response to him and you was toxic and your kids should not be around them until they adult up and get some perspective. At least not on their own turf. Your dad sounds ridiculous declining to talk about it, I’d tell my dad I can see straight through him and his charade of avoidance and delegation won’t work. Argh how upsetting. Would have been nice if you all could of just sat down and talked it out and comforted each other as you all just have been so upset, but then whose family is perfect???