My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

[FindingEmo]

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

I agree your mum must be really upset. It's not about punishing you! She can't talk to you because she feels so bad!
I was with my grandson at a bridge watching trains when he was 5 years old,...i was holding him and when I put him down, before I knew it he turned and ran to the other side of the road to see the train come out the other side of the bridge. He was almost hit by a car. It happened so quickly!
I felt physically sick! I had flashbacks for weeks and even now it makes me shudder to think about it.
I didn't tell my son for a week, in fact I couldn't speak to him or my daughter in law. They were both really understanding but I felt like I should be banned from seeing them or my grandson again! I can't forgive myself.
May be your mother feels like that?

Like many before me I'm baffled at some of the responses here. Take tea, send flowers, apologise, OP is awful for burdening her parents with their presence in the first place! I find it all really odd.

OPs parents made a mistake and whilst I don't think flipping out at them would be helpful (not that any of the previous posts indicate that that happened) pandering to them isn't necessary, they're are adults who are behaving pretty badly, albeit out of character.

To say it stems from them being elderly, frail or unable to cope are all assumptions. The fact is an offer to take DCs to the park was made and OP accepted it, not at all unreasonable in my opinion. On their return OP learns of the incident in a convoluted fashion, having to pretty much drag it out of DM. Again, those of us who have had a DC go missing for any length of time can fully relate and empathise with GM for feeling awful over it all. But what I can't get on board with is running off to your bedroom and taking it out on OP and her grandson, which by withdrawing contact she is doing.

Anyone who has experienced a missing child, is that how you reacted on their return? Did you not speak to your child or grandchild for the rest of the evening? Did you withdraw from family life?

OP you did the right thing by just heading home, and you are definitely NBU for being pissed at their behaviour.

To say it stems from them being elderly, frail or unable to cope are all assumptions.

You’re right Lucie OP has not mentioned age or health of her DPs. They were on this occasion unable to cope but I don’t think this could have been known in advance.

It’s getting to the point where their response after the event is as perplexing as their management of two small children.

It must also have been quite hard to look for the four year old if her DM had a two year old in tow, especially at the park. I’m presuming that they are of the ‘phones are for emergencies’ frame of mind and they couldn’t call each other to say that the four year old had followed DF.

OP, I hope being home, even to a building site, will give you some much needed sanctuary and that you can work out how to deal with your DPs once your DS is more settled.

I can’t stop thinking about this thread. All of us make mistakes, and OP’s DPs made a huge one here (FIL more culpable than MIL). But it’s the way a person handles mistakes that shows you their true character. Grown up decent people take responsibility, apologise and do what they can to make amends. OP’s parents have done the exact opposite.

FindingEmo Sun 25-Feb-18 09:56:33
I went to tell them I was leaving. My mum refused to even say a word to me and my dad called me ungrateful and said if I had a problem with how they look after my kids they wouldn't bother again. So we are back home. I'll give them some space for now.

Your dad is a piece of work.

Does he treat your mum like that too? I mean with derision and extreme defensiveness? No wonder she's a nervous wreck.

I have no time for grown adults who can't cope with the presence of small children. It's nothing more than a way of keeping attention focused on them, an ego trip. Men who do it have the added sexist gratification of seeing all the women clucking around like frightened hens, keeping the children quiet and out of the way.

A lot of the time when women have been dealing with a vile piece of shit like this for years (thanks to other posters for 'vile' and 'piece of shit') they develop a mental habit of literally hiding but sometimes just becoming completely compliant and all 'yes dear, or course dear', and waiting until the situation eases. Your mother's response is that of such a woman.

I recommend you take a look at the Stately Homes threads here.

PS - you need to find out from your DS if your DF was angry with him, and reassure your DS that none of this was his fault at all.

I imagine your mum now thinks you blame her, and she's already blaming herself.

Your dad got defensive because he knows it's all his fault, and doesn't want to admit it. He said they wouldn't bother looking after your children again because of that.

Be the grown up, ring your mum, be nice, tell her you never blamed her and she needs no forgiveness. Apologise for leaving early, say you were a bit bewildered by it all and that ds was upset and wanted to go home as he was taking all the responsibility for it.

Or don't. Whatever.

My parents are both in their late 50s, both work, both active (walking, swimming, cycling etc) and have never mentioned being unable to cope with dc before. In fact dm finds any reason to come over and babysit/help etc. This has made me reevaluate her 'help' e.g dh is working away next weekend, it was only confirmed this week (before this incident) and dm sighed and said oh we will have to cancel l our weekend away because you cant possibly cope with all 3 boys by yourself all weekend. I told her that I didn't expect them to cancel their trip and of course I can look after my children on my own and she just said we'll see and carried on with what she was doing. I'm going to give things a few days to settle and then give her a quick ring.

So she basically sees you as incompetent and that right there is an extreme example of passive aggressive behaviour. I think you would be wise to have some space to reflect on the relationship you have with your parents. It looks to me like they view you as incapable of looking after your own children and are furious at being caught out as absolutely inadequate themselves.

OP you have handle this very well. I would have lost my temper completely (and probably regretted it later). You have done nothing wrong and neither has your son. Your parents have behaved poorly and whilst this might be their reaction to being very upset about what happened they are ADULTS and should thought about how their grandson and you are feeling before themselves. 💐

Mmm. After all her undermining of you, she must be pretty gutted that it turned out they couldn’t cope.

I would try to ask for less help in future. I know that’s hard, I have three myself. But to get some kind of distance here, I think you need to have a think about how this relationship might be making you feel belittled, indebted and like you can’t cope. You can.

Finding OMG - my DCs are mid-teens, and my DH and I are in our mid-50s to early 60s. I thought these were people in their 70s who were infirm. There was someone on your thread earlier banging on about them being elderly and slowing down and wanting peace and quiet?!!! Speechless!

I agree with bastardkitty, I would have a long think about the dynamics of your relationship with your parents moving forward.

I’d leave them to strew in their own juice for a good while. They were irresponsible and just plain nasty not to apologize for their mistakes. Taking this tone with you is just bizarre!

I’d definitely be having words with your father! Your mum sounds traumatized and she wasn’t the one who sent a four year old off on their own! He could have wondered onto a road!

Are you an only child, FindingEmo, or the only child with children? That's a lot of time your gm is spending, offering to help out. I wonder if there is a problem in your parents' relationship which she is compensating for by busying herself with you and making you the problem, in order to avoid the real problem. Nearly losing her grandson would then not only have been hugely traumatic, but will also have laid the dh relationship problem bare, too, plus potentially have removed enough of your trust of her that she gets to escape less with her grandchildren and is stuck more with her dh... all speculation, of course, but your df's behaviour sucks, your dm's is more readable, so it's hard not to speculate!

FindingEmo telling you that you can't cope with your own children on your own and that she has to martyr herself to rescue you from your useless self when you have never indicated that is the case is not the behaviour of a "great" mother or grandmother, it's the behaviour of someone who is trying to make you doubt yourself and make you dependant on her.

That throws a new light on the episode - it's not out of character at all, she's been trying to play the role of the all competent one who you can't cope without - the hiding in her room is because she's been busted!

Don't let her undermine your confidence in your own parenting - don't accept her "help" at all any more. Invite her over as grandma when your DH is there too and be sure not to when he isn't, otherwise she will continue to convince you that you cannot cope on your own. Really unsupportive and belittling behaviour from your mother, who should be the last person wanting to humiliate you and put you down.

There is clearly some dynamic we're missing here, possibly to do with them feeling overwhelmed by having so many children in the house. Yes, they lost your DS. Your DF in particular sounds to blame, but it sounds like you - initially at least - blamed your mum, and it wasn't her fault at all. So they have reacted defensively, your DF by minimising and your DM by going completely over the top and taking to her bed.

I'd be staying home for the foreseeable future. Whatever the dynamic, I couldn't trust my children's care again to anyone who didn't think losing them was a big deal.

That was childish of her to stay in her room and not even come out the next morning. Did she say goodbye to your kids before you left?

Leave her be and let her contact you. You've done nothing wrong and it seems she wanted you to go as she stayed hiding away.

I am curious.... how many children did your parents have? Are they somehow judging you for having three?

'Believe me, with three lively children, you will be grateful for them babysitting and for their continued interest and support in years to come'.

But GP clearly cannot cope. Therefore, they should not be given the opportunity to babysit anymore, even if they want to. They invited OP and GC to stay for a week - it was not forced upon them. GC are not new to them, they must have understood what they were taking on when they invited them. It's clear from this experience that they cannot cope and therefore its down to the OP what invitations from them she accepts in the future. However, they should not be surprised if offers for babysitting are turned down.

I think Cauliflowers post is a very rambling way of saying 'poor GP's'.

I lost my children as toddlers more than once. Mostly just in stores so they were found very quickly, but once on the high street and it was probably 5 mins before I found her, surrounded by people trying to help. At the moment of finding her I was full of emotions, including massive relief, but also shame that all those people might think I was a crappy parent for losing track of her and yes some anger with her for walking the wrong way to find us (ds and me who were a little ahead of her). Then a second later and all I wanted to do was hold her tight and tell her how much I loved her, and how brave she was with all the helpful (but inadvertently scary) people and anything else I could do to make her feel better for the nasty few minutes she had had.

That's what I find very strange about the OP's scenario. Not that they lost her little boy, but that afterwards they didn't seem to care about him. No reassurances, just blame and exclusion. It just doesn't seem very loving regardless of how shocked, ashamed or upset they might have been feeling.

I hope you're going to keep well away from your parents next weekend, not least so as to demonstrate you're perfectly capable of coping without them.

OP, your parents don't see you as an adult and equal to them to discuss their behaviour even if it's concerning your own children.
Your mum helps you as she doesn't think you are capable to cope without her. Your dad thinks the same but actually not so happy about helping ( maybe wants to help less).
They also showed complete lack of common sense and were unfair to you and most importantly to their GS.
I would reconsider the amount of their help and honestly wouldn't trust them.

Forgot to add that you handled all this really well. Hope your son is better now, he had terrible experience.