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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

846 replies

Applestrawberryblackcurrant · 24/02/2018 12:13

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

OP posts:

RavenLG · 24/02/2018 12:27

I knew of one girl in my school who got pregnant at 14/15. She ended up giving birth just before GCSE's came back and sat a couple. Wasn't poor parenting at all as her family were lovely, and all her brothers and sisters didn't 'go off the rails'. At 30 she now has a BA degree, a MA degree, is working as a senior position in the NHS and currently doing a PhD. Not everyone ends up on the dole popping out kids.

I'd think they were raped At 14 I certainly knew I liked and wanted sex. I felt absolutely no different at 16 and had been with said boyfriend for 3 years. I was NOT raped.

Fromage · 24/02/2018 12:28

My first thought was oh, poor girl. I hope she has lots of support and people looking after her.

I also assumed the father would be a boyfriend of around the same age, but it would concern me if he were a few years older than her.

I wouldn't give her a wide berth - the opposite in fact, I'd want to give her a hug and a helping hand. And I wouldn't assume she'd been poorly parented either.

MariaEdgeworth · 24/02/2018 12:28

I wouldn't judge them on their age but their behaviour. Teenagers have sex. Teenagers are often daft and make risky decisions. Sometimes that results in pregnancy. It's what they do afterwards that I'd judge them on. Trying their best to be a good parents versus neglecting the baby and drug taking, for example.

I certainly would never shun a woman or girl for having working reproductive organs and a poor grasp of how contraception works. I would shun her if she was cruel or abusive to the subsequent children, but you don't have to be 14 to be a shit mother

Snowysky20009 · 24/02/2018 12:28

I know some teen mums who are now nurses, teachers etc. Some have turned out better than older mums I know! Likewise I know so who haven't been the best. Swings and roundabouts.

It's not catching! And I think anyone giving a wide birth are really selfish. But hey hoe that's just my opinion.

littlegecko · 24/02/2018 12:28

My friend had a baby at 14 (we are the same age and now in her late thirties). I never really realised how young it was at the time, although i remember my mum saying "poor girl, she must be so frightened". I think generally other parents had a pitying attitude of her, rather than discouraging us to be her friend.

Thankfully my friend had a great support network, and finished education and went on to work for a company that she now manages a branch of. Her son is now in his early twenties and has done very well for himself - he is well educated, has a great job and has a very promising career ahead.

I don't know anybody who has actively avoided my friend because she had a child so young - she's got lots of good friends and we are all so proud of her and her son.
However, there probably were people who had a more disparaging view - but I think my friend would have done her best to prove them wrong.

Foslady · 24/02/2018 12:28

I’d feel sad on how much she’d have missed out on, and I’d hope History wouldn’t repeat itself

fusushumi · 24/02/2018 12:28

I don't understand why it would mean you might avoid her?
I'd feel sorry for her and wonder about her circumstances, what sort of upbringing she had herself - having a child when you're still a child yourself is far from ideal

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 24/02/2018 12:29

I'd think that life for them was going to be far harder than it needed to be, and feel sorry for her. I'd also wonder about the sort of home she'd grown up in and what sort of parental support she'd had.

If I could offer support I would. There was a girl in my year at school who didn't fit the stereotypical background for teenage motherhood, had a lot of support and went on to get a degree and a professional job while raising her child.

DeathStare · 24/02/2018 12:30

One of DC's friends has had a baby at 14. With another child a similar age. I think they have a tough journey ahead of them and need all the support they can get. I haven't actually met either child so can't say much more about them than that.

No I wouldn't give her a wide berth. Nor would I encourage my DC to. It's not like it's catching (and if anything my DC seeing the realities of having a baby at 14 may stop the misty-eyed romance around it). I do know that some other parents are telling their DC to give her a wide berth though. Interestingly the same doesn't seem to be happening with the boy concerned

Do I think they've been poorly parented? No. (I've never met the parents either btw). Lots of teenagers are experimenting sexually. These two just got caught.

Vibe2018 · 24/02/2018 12:31

I might think she's missing out on a normal teenage life but I wouldn't think less of her. I wouldn't like to think of a 14 year old going through pregnancy and labour and then being tied down with a baby. Ir can't be easy. I wouldn't avoid her, I'd be kind to her.

aRespectableBureaudeChange · 24/02/2018 12:31

I'd be sad for them - a lot to cope with. Abortion isn't the easy solution as presented and can lead to mh issues whilst coming to terms with it.

Either choice has consequences on the individual - whether to proceed or terminate the pregnancy.

liking them would be based on the usual things I'd admire in a person, not age of pregnancy.

Tainbri · 24/02/2018 12:32

My cousin had a baby at 15. She was fourteen when she conceived and the father was 13! She's four years older than me. I remember there being a total mutiny in the family when it happened. I was only ten but felt so sorry for her as the was branded the most awful things and my parents went NC with her and her parents, mainly because of my DM going ballistic over it (DF's side of the family) I saw her about 20 years later at my grandmothers funeral. She was lovely and so was her daughter. He daughter was expecting a baby so that meant she became a gran before I had my first child, which seems weird given there's only four years between us. I just feel sorry that she and her daughter had such a tough time made worse by other people's judgement rather than help and support.

Hanuman · 24/02/2018 12:32

I would think it was a sad situation. As someone twice her age, I don't think we would have a lot in common but I wouldn't shun her or anything

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/02/2018 12:32

I wouldn’t think anything really about the girl but I would have concerns about her parents.

But why would or should she care what I think. I wouldn’t gravitate towards her as a friend because I should imagine she would find that weird but I may be inclined to take a few of my children’s friends (young but not that young mums) to parent events she was likely to be at in the hood that they may hit it off.
Isolation is not great

JustHappy3 · 24/02/2018 12:33

I'd be curious. No knee jerk pity or judgement here. I'd be looking to find out if the girl was happy, if things were in place for the child to be well parented.
Me in my 20s - yes i'd have been thinking she's ruined her life, missing out on carefree uni years etc. Me after years of infertility ivf and adoption assessment - unable to see a negative in a situation with a wanted child. She'll be 30 when her child finishes school. I was 34 when i had my first and i'll be 58 when my youngest is 16.
Neither "perfect" but neither situation is a life wasted either.

kaytee87 · 24/02/2018 12:33

I'd feel very sorry for her

Eminybob · 24/02/2018 12:33

My DB and sil has thier first child at 15, they are still together 30 odd years later and have 3 children and numerous grandchildren. I don’t think anything less of them at all, they are lovely people and fantastic parents/grandparents.

AppleFox · 24/02/2018 12:34

I'd feel for her, and hope she had the support around her that she may need.

k2p2k2tog · 24/02/2018 12:35

It would depend on what happened next - someone who gets pregnant at 14 and has a baby then goes ono to complete her education and get a gret job is a totally different person from someone pregnant at 14 who then goes on to have more babies at 15, 16, 17 and 18 and who does nothing else with her life.

HotCrossBunFight · 24/02/2018 12:35

I'd think she'd been let down badly bit I wouldn't think badly of her

RandomMess · 24/02/2018 12:37

I'd be nosy about her circumstances, sad that her teenage freedom got cut short but beyond that I'd not give it a second thought.

Beelzebop · 24/02/2018 12:37

I'd think of how much struggle and stress she would have, and how I would admire her if she managed it. I could only just cope with a baby at 25…!

Noonelikesfruitcake · 24/02/2018 12:38

I would feel very sorry for them and would probably be extra nice to them, and help them if it was appropriate (like if I knew the person more than just in passing)

TheJoyOfSox · 24/02/2018 12:39

its no different to someone choosing to have their first when they are 40 or their last child being a surprise at 44.

Sometimes, shit happens, sometimes other people choose a different life to the one I’d have picked in their circumstances.

I’m very much all for live and let live. As long as she is a good mum, I’d not have anything to say on the matter. I’m the same with people choosing to have an abortion, adoption, or three kids with three different dads. If it doesn’t affect me, it’s not for me to judge.

I’d not give a wide berth to someone in that situation.

liz70 · 24/02/2018 12:40

Girls used to be able to marry at thirteen.
14 year old mother now? Not ideal, but it happens. There are worse things.

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