To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

[Applestrawberryblackcurrant]

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

Also don't see how social services or anyone could stop a child taking drugs etc if they were that unruly.
If they don't listen to their parents, they aren't going to listen to social services.

When I was arrested (grandma called them on me) at 14, I was taken to a foster care as my family didn't want me with them anymore. The foster carer took me to school, but after school I ran away with my friend and went to her house. I refused to go home with the FC. Eventually, I was allowed to live at my friend's house until my family took me back.

Parents don't own their children. That is why.

i can't believe anyone is actually baffled as to what a 14 year old having a baby could possibly miss out on, or actually think that there is no difference between a teenager with a baby and one without.
I presume this is just goady nonsense because I refuse to believe that anyone is that stupid.

”... a child having a child.”

That is it in a nutshell. How can anyone find this acceptable?

How can anyone find this acceptable?

It's not about finding it acceptable. It's reality, it happens. Unless you're advocating forced abortions for pregnant 14 year olds.

How can anyone find this acceptable?

I don't. But there's really not much you can do after its been done, other than support her decision either way, or get social services involved to say you "can't cope" with your daughter and a baby, and see what they do I guess.

Rose - it depends what you mean by acceptable. That is not acceptable, therefore you will be having an abortion whether you want to or not and if you refuse I don't want any more to do with you? Or that is not acceptable and I think the 14 year old should be given a wide berth, particularly by my child of a similar age or given any help by the state. Or that is not acceptable and I wouldn't want it for my child. The first and second are attitudes I find unacceptable. The third I understand and agree with. But a 14 year old that age of normal intelligence would be expected to have the capacity to make the decision for themselves about whether they stay pregnant, whether or not I find it 'acceptable' as their parent.

I know someone who had a baby at 14. 14 years later her daughter had a baby. When I met her she was 38/39 with a 10 year old grandchild. I met the grandchild first as he was friends with my boys. He kept talking about his Oma, I imagined a little old German lady, met someone who was several years younger than myself.

What flowers said about 1000 times. Saddened by some of the attitudes on this thread, yeah we're all in this together ladies eh? Unless one of us had a baby at 14 and doesn't admit it would have been better to have a termination.

A 14 year old child does not have the capacity to grasp what having a baby at that age will actually mean to both their lives, flowers
Not in a million years.

Legal capacity to make decisions re. their own body is a different matter entirely.

Are people advocating forced abortion here or have I misunderstood?

I don’t really see why it’s an issue of ‘acceptability’. It happens. It is certainly not ideal but it does happen and I don’t see what good stigmatising and excluding young mothers does.

Nor do I think focusing only on the ‘your life is over’ narrative is all that helpful - unless your intention is to further encourage young mothers to give up. With the right kinds of support you can have good outcomes, and surely we want as many good outcomes as possible.

That isn’t to encourage young women to have babies in their teens. Doing so absolutely makes their lives much harder than they need to be and inevitably means they miss out on all sorts of things. But if a 14 year old does find themselves pregnant, I don’t see how saying it’s ‘unacceptable’ helps. What they need is good advice and information so they can make choices about the pregnancy (including a proper appreciation of the extent to which you miss out on your own youth - there’s no sugarcoating that).

I wouldn’t change having DS1 young (and I’m very aware that there’s a big difference between 18 and 14). But I wouldn’t advise anyone to plan to do the same. Being a parent is hard enough after you’ve figured out how to be an adult (and have a job to pay for it); there’s no need to make it harder. And I absolutely missed out on loads of young adult stuff.

When I told my mum I was pregnant at 18 the first thing she said was ‘you need to make sure you finish your degree and get a good job’. And I did (I got 3 degrees actually). If I’d been 14 instead, I think she’d have been even more adamant that I get a good education so I could support myself and my child. Luckily she was willing to support me in that. I think my life would probably have looked very different if she’d told me it was unacceptable and refused any help.

Quite unimaginative. Precisely.

14 year old to mum: "Mum, I'm 5 months pregnant"

Mum: "WTF! I thought I'd raised you better than this! What about contraception? Why didn't you have a termination? You should have told me sooner! This is unacceptable!"

Kind of understandable response. But won't really get you anywhere at that point...

Most of my friends who did have really good outcomes despite having babies at 15, we’re generally able to achieve that because their parents offered practical support and a great deal of encouragement/expectation that they’d make sure they got an education and a career. The experienced the complete opposite of an expectation they’d amount to nothing, and actually more pressure to succeed (because they really needed to).

The woman who became a social worker didn’t have great support as a teenager. But she went to college once her daughter was in school and worked hard to get herself to university. It took her time and a lot of effort. She wanted to become a social worker so she could try to help people. She is actually one of the most impressive people I know.

u2 I fully agree. More making the point that having a parent who would throw out their teen for being pregnant isn't the kind of life any of us want for our dc.

Probably because it reminds me of someone I know. Kicked out cos naice Catholics should be hidden away if they are pregnant and 16 until the baby is born and forcibly adopted. Not that she had it easy but she and her teen dp have raised happy, successful adults and they as adults are pretty successful too.

Another sibling was disowned for not only having an abortion, but having one because she and her non Catholic, none Caucasian dp had other life plans.

But the sibling that stayed at home and in contact with such delightful caring parents is fucked up as a result.

Not that I'm advocating teen pregnancy as a fantastic, let alone superior life choice in that situation, more that if you have parents like that you'll have complications at some point no matter what. Rather than say dc with supportive parents who just want their dc to have a normal child/ teen life.

Day boarding www.thetimes.co.uk/article/day-boarding-is-on-the-rise-as-pupils-stay-at-school-longer-fsmkztkbdtm

I don’t really see why it’s an issue of ‘acceptability’. It happens. It is certainly not ideal but it does happen and I don’t see what good stigmatising and excluding young mothers does

Because the less it is acceptable the less it happens. Making it unacceptable is not the same as stigmatising and excluding.

Surely we all want it to be something that happens less, and preferably not at all?

I would feel bad for her and go out of my way to be friendly. No, I would not give her a wide berth.

No, of course I wouldn't give them a wide berth? Why on earth would I choose to do that?

I try not to form opinions about people—especially not opinions based on the things they do which don't affect others—so I very much doubt that being a 14 year old parent would affect my interaction with them.

However, should a 13 year old ask me if s/he should become a parent at 14, I'd definitely say a massive 'NO'.

Making it unacceptable is not the same as stigmatising and excluding

Many people are unable to understand the difference.

People sharing success stories of young parents are not encouraging 14 year olds to get pregnant. It's encouraging the 14-year-old girl who's already 8 months pregnant, or has already had the baby, not to give up.

There are plenty of people out there ready to tell that 14 year old that her life is over, in an attempt to discourage others from following her example. It's unethical to let that 14-year-old mum think that she's incapable of achieving anything, for the sake of lowering teen pregnancy rates on the whole.

FFS!

FFS!

You ok Vlad?

I'm fine thanks Yass, it's just the missing of the point that led me to say that. But everyone's entitled to their opinion. It is after all a discussion forum.

Absolutely @YassQueen.

I’m not sure that ‘making it less acceptable’ does anything to reduce teenage pregnancy rates anyway. It’s pretty much universally viewed as undesirable in the UK. But stigma and a narrative of impending doom can do a lot of harm to 14 year olds who do get pregnant.

Yes. It would probably be best if 14 year olds didn’t get pregnant. But the way to address that it through much better sex education and the availability of contraception (and probably also improving the job market for young women) not by ‘making teenage pregnancy/motherhood unacceptable’. All the latter does is exclude and stigmatise.